That is NOT the potty ...

I was going to bed on Friday night, just finished brushing my teeth, when I heard the moan of Big J coming from his room. He had gone to bed quite late and pretty much passed out when his head hit the pillow. I thought maybe he had to pee so I ran down the hall.
In the silhouette of the nightlight, I saw him standing in the middle of the room, naked from the waist down, holding his little "package" and wailing. I flipped on the light, thinking he wet the bed.
Nope, no such luck. Instead, in his stooper, he must have had to pee, thought he ran to the bathroom, and proceeded to pee all over the front of his dresser.
There was pee everywhere .... spalshed on the wall, on his Crayola glow board, pictures of Mommy and Big J, and a long trail on the carpet. Lovely.
I asked him what he did ... no response. He was still sound asleep.
I cleaned him up, cleaned the pee off of the picture frames, dresser drawers, books and toys and put Big J back into bed, where he didn't even flinch.
Seriously ... girls don't do this shit. What is up with that?!?!??!?!

It's beginning to feel like Christmas

As I sit here drinking a glass of port, listening to Johnny Mathis sing "Silver Bells," and wrap the umpteenth present of the evening ... I thought, "it is actually starting to feel like Christmas."

Was it the port? No, I am sure it helped ... a lot, but it wasn't that. Was it the wrapping and bows and ribbons? Nope. Definitely "Christmasy," but it wasn't the topper. It was Johnny's way of singing about the bells ringing and children playing and blah, blah, blah, that suddenly made it all about Christmas.

There are something that I cannot do without at Christmas .. some new, and some old.

It is not Christmas until I hear the Salsoul Orchestra Christmas album (OK, did I totally just age myself by saying "album?"), never heard of it? OMG! Total classic, and it makes me think of my Mom cleaning the house every time I listen to it (as does Neil Diamond, but I digress). Other "musts" in the music department include, Johnny Mathis, Harry Simeone Chorale, Manheim Steamroller, and Trans-Siberian Orchestra (this is our family mainstay, the boys love it and I am taking Big J to their concert on the 26th).

It isn't Christmas until I watch Charlie Brown (now, I must watch it on DVD, as TV destroys it every year by adding more and more commercials and cutting parts of the beloved show), White Christmas (sing it with me now, "snow, snow, snow!), A Christmas Carol with Alastir Sim (my fave), It's a Wonderful Life (another I have to have on DVD ... no commercials; and it makes me cry every time, still), A Pocketful of Miracles (another must see if you haven't, Glen Ford and Bette Davis, a small spin on My Fair Lady. It was one of my Dad's favorites and now I am addicted), Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (thank God I have children now!) and A Holiday Affair.

It isn't Christmas until I eat a cut-out sugar cookie slathered with homemade frosting and dingo dots (that is what we call 'em and I am sticking to it!), my Mom's cherry cheesecake, spice drops - red and green, egg nog (not the real stuff, but the lite version you buy in the refrigerated section at the store), and my latest favorite, from Starbucks, a venti non-fat peppermint white chocolate mocha (OMG - so effing good!).

It isn't Christmas until I sit on my couch with quiet Christmas music playing, the lights are out and all I see are the lights from the Christmas tree. I am 35 years old and the magic never wears away from that.

Now that I am Mommy, it isn't Christmas until I have wrapped the last present and remembered the "last little something" to throw in their stockings.

And truly, it isn't Christmas until I go to Mass ... it doesn't have to be Midnight or daybreak, just Mass on Christmas ... it is one of the most beautiful things a person can experience. Really ... try it.

What makes your Christmas? Anything I missed?

Merry Christmas!

From me to you .... stamped and addressed with care (LOL!)!!!

A Christmas Faux Pas ...

OK, so there are things you do and things you don't do.

You may take a chip from a bowl, dip it in salsa and eat the said chip.

You may not take a chip from a bowl, dip it in salsa, eat said chip and then dip said chip in salsa again.

Christmas gives us rules to follow as well.

You may, upon having a conversation with someone, let that someone know what you might want for Christmas.

You may drop hints to other pople, let family spread the word for you, or, what most people do, just be surprised when you see what you get from a sender.

You may not send you cousin's wife a random post on Facebook, when you have never posted on her Facebook before, stating "hey lisa, i saw that j has my name for christmas, and if you havent gotten anything yet, i would liek the movie the hangover, if not that totally fine. And also if for saturday you could bring some kind of dip, my mom says thank you!"

WTF? Are you serious? Really? Do we have any class?

Honestly people, I wanted to reach thru the cable lines, find the spoiled little brat and tell her, "Look, sweetie, you don't do that. You just don't do something so ridiculously crass and rude. Haven't you ever heard of the reason for giving gifts at Christmas? And, even though I am a very loving person, if I had not already bought your gift (which I had, by the way) the last thing I would get you would be the stinkin movie you asked for."

I am all about buying a gift that someone wants, likes, loves or obsesses over. That is my main intent when shopping. But, I am not about having someone tell me where to go, how much to spend, and what color to wrap it in.

I am not even involved in this gift exchane. Why, might you ask?

About 6 or 7 years ago, I was participating. An aunt of E's sent me an email that went something like this, "You have my name. I want a Hamilton Beach mixer. It costs $14.99 at Walmart. You can give me the rest of the gift in cash."

She did not get the mixer from me that year ... she a got a personalized scrapbook basket (since I knew she was an avid scrapbooker) AND a mixer from someone else. Her name was drawn twice. Do you know who got NOTHING that year, as the rest of the family opened presents? You guessed it! ME!

After, she promised she would take the mixer back and send me the cash so I could get a gift ... I am still waiting!!!!!!!!

So, bah humbug to these spoiled people at this time of year. You can call me, email me, do what ever you want, but I will buy what I want to buy and that will be good enough for you.

Look in the encyclopedia under "real spirit of Christmas" and see if you find "spoiled rotten wishes" in the explanation.

Go ahead, I dare you!

Remember when ...

... You counted down the days till Christmas break with your friends, exchanged little Secret Santa gifts with them, and vacation seemed to be endless?

... Bills were guys in your class, not envelopes in your mailbox?

... The gifts under the tree seemed to triple every day, and most had your name on them?

... Christmas cards showed up in bulk at your house with a small note of well-wishes?

... you could look forward to a Saturday becuase you could sleep in, or a day all to yourself, all dressed in PJ's and watching Christmas movies?

... You could eat whatever you wanted at a Christmas party without the fear that for three days after you wouldn't be able to button your pants?

... People said Merry Christmas, and smiled during the holiday season, even though they were busy or broke?

... You could stay up til 2:00 chatting it up on the phone, get up at 5:30 for school, drink a Diet Coke for breakfast and last until that night?

... Grown-ups actually acted like grown-ups?

My wish list

The question today, that I saw on this blog:



What do you really want for Christmas?

That is a great question. I could tell you the superficial stuff: Wii Fit, Michael Kors perfume, a UCF hoodie, fun jewelry, a Blackberry or Smartphone, new pots and pans, picture frames and art for our walls, etc, etc, etc ...

But, what do I really want for Christmas? Well, I want friendship. Yes, I have friends. Old friends and new friends. Good friends, and yes, even some bad friends. But, I have noticed a shift, a paradigm of some sorts.

I notice this happen every few years. The natural ebb and flow of human relationships. I have seen many of my close friendships strengthen and I have also watched many close friends move throughout the country (or stay behind when I was the one moving).

This year has brought some exciting relationships to the table .... my blogger friends, Facebook friends that I have reconnected with, and some friends that I have made on Facebook that never really were friends, but suddenly, like pen pals, they have become important in so many ways.

I think this is what saddens me the most. These friends that I feel this deep connection with, a sense that if we were in the same vicinity, we would really be close.

Of the friends that I have near to me (physically, that is), I don't have any friends that are like me. You know, working moms, with kids that drive them nuts, husbands that they want to kick in the ass, a strong penchant for wine, cheese and crackers .... and an amazing ability to laugh until they cry.

Am I asking too much? Do you think Santa could throw this in his sack and put it under my tree this year? I have been a good girl ... for the most part ... ;)

So, on my wish list ... I want friends. Some relationships that will grow to bigger and better things over time!

Hello .... remember me? Pay attention to ME!

I have LOTS to blog about ... but only so much time. Lots to catch up with ... but, for now ...

I love my husband, really, I DO love him.

But, I am not in awe of everything he does, and I don't think he is the most wonderful man that has ever stepped onto this earth. He is a great guy, really! I just don't view him the way some girls view their husbands. Why is this bothering me right now? It seems like everywhere I go, people are writing about or talking about how WONDERFUL and PERFECT their husbands are.

Backrubs, little gifts, helping them in every way .... honestly, I do not get these things.

(Yes, some of this may be put on ... I mean, seriously, after being married for 10 years with 3 kids, can a couple TRULY NEVER FIGHT!?!??!?!?!?)

Over the years my husband as dealt with a lot of issues. Rather than dealing with these issues head on, he would rather spend his time blaming me for his problems. This game ebbs and flows. My counselor has told me that it will probably stay like this forever ... it is who he is.

Most days, I can handle it. He has his sweet moments ... and those are awesome. But, sometimes he has his nasty moments and those are the days I question EVERYTHING about us, our lives and my involvent in the whole thing.

When I read about these grteat husbands, there are times, honestly, I get jealous. I wish I had a husband that rubbed my feet when I was pregnant and exhausted. I wish I had a husband who stopped on the way home from work and picked me up my favorite ice cream, just because. I wish I had a husband that ranted and raved about how great I am on Facebook for all to see.

I don't.

I have a husband who says thank you for dinners I cook, and a husband who takes care of the house and our boys. But, for the most part, his "awe" of me is unspoken. I have a husband who lives his life around one person, himself.

I have learned to compensate for this in small ways ... I have learned to just not yearn for things too often. But, its times like the holidays when everyone's lives get all cutesy and cheesy that I do really long for attention; full-on, devoted attention.

Maybe someday, by some God-sent miracle, I will have that. Until then, I will try and please me, myself and I when I am not getting it from my significant other.

Sweet Escape ....

OMG ... I leave for Florida in less than 24 hours! For 2 weeks ... and if one more person asks me why I have so much vacation time - I think I will burn them at the stake.

I have vacation time because I have worked my ass off for this company for 10 freaking years. I have not job-hopped and have been rewarded with vacation time. It is one of the only perks with this place!!! SO ...

back off people ... I am vacation!!!!

Snot ... it's time to go!

Still waiting on my nose to stop running and my head to clear up. I know take Vitamin B12, D, C and zinc supplements, as well as Omega 3 and Probiotics that would kick any bacteria's ass.

Let's see if this can all get me healthy ... I am tired of being tired. And my nose feels like someone took a nail file to it (and I use the lotion kleenex!).

On another note ... the boys are healthy. I have them both on Omega 3's and probiotics as well. So far ... so good!!!

Can I feel better, please?

So, I am sick, again. I have been sick pretty much consistently since September 1. I was in the awful office, again, yesterday (weird, maybe its a pattern with that place ... maybe I am allergic... would that be a reason to quit? Could I get worker's comp??? LOL!)

As I sat in my cubicle I felt the sniffles come on. Then, the sneezing. I thought it was last week's lingering illness, but this one started to hit me with all of its might.

By the time I got on the train, my nose was running nonstop and I couldn't stop sneezing. I was with the boys at Taco Tuesday and the body aches kicked in.

I took a nighttime cold medicine, and slept. And slept. I turned the alarm off at 5:30 ... Spin was NOT in my agenda today. Little j woke up at 6:45 and I had to get up. I felt like I was walking around in a cloud of dust. I was exhausted.

I took both boys to school at 8:00 and came back and crashed on the couch for about an hour. Luckily, I didn't have to be at work until 11:00 today. I still feel like crap.

More than likely, its the flu. But, I cannot go get any more antibiotics ... seriously, I think that is what has hurting my body more than help it. SO, I will kick this sucker naturally ... vitamins, supplements, water and sleep (when the kids let me).

I thought long and hard about this flu thing. I have never gotten a flu shot. My kids have never gotten a flu shot. I hate shots ... and I have heard of so many people getting sick right after the shot that I would rather take my chances getting sick on my own.

I also am very wishy washy on what I believe as far as modern medicine and holistic medicine. I see the good aspects of both.

We went to a chiropractor a few years back, when I was preggo with Big J. E loved him ... everything the guy said was like this brilliant hypothesis. I met him and felt like I was drinking the kool aid.

He took a history of me ... and then told me why I have issues. How dare my mother have a C-section, it lead to my weight gain. My mother didn't breast feed ... lead to my ear infections ... blah, blah, blah.

After I had Big J and came back and told him that I had an emergency C-Section, he was appalled. Then I told him that I was bottle feeding! Ha! He didn't believe in vaccines and was one of the ones that gets a waiver signed for his children to not get them. He also claimed that no one in his family gets sick, ever. I say .. hogwash.

But ... even though I found him to be a quack, there were some things that he made me think about. We put so much stuff into our bodies these days. Chemicals from food, pollution, etc ... maybe we need to start taking care of our insides a little better and then we wouldn't need so many vaccines.

Now, I am not one to go on believing that my kids will get autism from a vaccine ... I have my Mommy fears, but I just don't beleive that it is the case. Some of these vaccines are important. An outbreak of measles or mumps could be much more deadly than a flu outbreak. I just don't believe in shooting my babies up with stuff that we just don't know about, or, quite frankly, don't really need!!!!

My girlfriend sent me this letter from her pediatrician that solidified my decision:

SWINE FLU UPDATE
The news media and the Center for Disease Control (CDC) continue to whip the public into a frenzy about H1N1 influenza. Unfortunately we have precious little data available to help us make rational decisions about what we should do. Meanwhile on the news we see lines of people, blocks long, queuing up at clinics for many hours to get the H1N1 vaccine. Most of them are turned away when the supply runs out. Why don’t we just calm down and ponder some facts.

The flu season has ended in the southern hemisphere and we know that the cases of H1N1 there have been relatively mild.

Here in Lake County, only hospitalized patients are being tested for the H1N1 virus. There is no readily available test to specifically diagnose H1N1. Therefore people with influenza like symptoms are assumed to have H1N1, not confirmed by laboratory testing. We can test for influenza A and B in the office, but this test doesn’t specifically identify H1N1. Therefore we don’t really know how many cases there are. The number of cases quoted in the media is probably being greatly overestimated. Running sensational news about H1N1 generates more viewers and readers. This news also satisfies the pharmaceutical industry that is among the media’s largest advertisers. Think about all those “Ask Your Doctor About [DRUG NAME]” ads that run during the news programs.

The deaths that are being reported are mostly a result of bacterial pneumonia, not directly a result of influenza. As always, cases of bacterial pneumonia should be treated swiftly and aggressively.

We in the medical community do not have access to the medical histories of the patients who have become very ill or have died after contracting H1N1. Therefore we are currently unable to identify those individuals who are at the highest risk. We are told that pregnant women and young children are more susceptible to complications, but we know that most pregnant women and children who catch the flu recover without incident.

The H1N1 vaccine was rushed into production and released without the usual clinical testing required of most drugs. Presently the vaccine has been in use for only two weeks. Since it is being administered in schools, public health clinics, and drug stores, there is no vaccine adverse event reporting system to which doctors who administer vaccines are required to report. If adverse events occur, it will take longer for us to hear about them.

Because the government has declared a “public health emergency”, the pharmaceutical companies that manufacture the vaccines have been granted immunity from product liability lawsuits resulting from this vaccine. Then what pressure do they now face to produce a safe product? We know the sales of the H1N1 vaccine alone are expected to top $1.5 billion, in addition to the $1 billion already booked for the seasonal flu vaccine. These vaccines are part of a wider and rapidly growing $20 billion global vaccine market. When that much money is involved there can be political meddling involved in creating medical mandates for the vaccine.

There are two versions of the H1N1 vaccine. The nasal spray contains live viruses that a person will harbor in their nasal passages for weeks after inoculation. These viruses can be passed on to others they contact. The injectable form of the vaccine comes in multiple dose vials and is preserved with thimerosal, which contains mercury, a known neurotoxin.

Some doctors are recommending Tamiflu, an anti-viral drug to be given within 40 hours of the onset of influenza symptoms to lessen the severity or duration of symptoms. Since 99.9% of flu sufferers make an uneventful recovery anyway, the wisdom of using Tamiflu is questionable. A few years after its approval by the FDA, 25 people under the age of 21 were reported to have died while using Tamiflu. Around 600 reports came in about abnormal behavior, hallucinations, and convulsions in people between the ages of 10 and 19 who were taking this oral neuraminidase inhibitor. (Most of these took place in Japan, where these medicines are much more widely used.) In two separate instances, a 12-year-old and a 13-year-old jumped out of a second-floor window after taking Tamiflu; others fell from windows or balconies or ran into traffic.

I am not opposed to all vaccines. During my lifetime I have witnessed vaccines conquer deadly and debilitating diseases such as smallpox, polio, tetanus, and HIB infant meningitis. Just because some is good, doesn’t mean that a lot is better. I question whether immunizations should be promoted for all illnesses regardless of their severity. We do not have adequate information about the long-term effects of mass immunizing against the less serious diseases such as chicken pox, HPV virus, and influenza.
The natural way that healthy people achieve immunity is by being exposed to viruses or bacteria in their environment. The pathogen enters the nose or the mouth. The body then fights the infection by mounting an antibody response. The antibody response is memorized and upon future exposure to that that pathogen, the antibodies respond quickly to prevent a repeat infection. Injecting viral proteins with a needle into the body for the purpose of creating an antibody response is not nature’s original method of creating immunity. We know that vaccine induced antibodies tend to “wear off”; whereas community acquired infections can create lifelong immunity. I predict that those individuals, who get an annual flu shot, have much poorer immunity to new strains of influenza such as H1N1, than those who opt out of annual vaccination.
At the present time I am planning not to carry influenza vaccines in my office. They will be widely available in our community at local drug stores, schools, and county clinics. Those with chronic health problems or suppressed immunity are more at risk for suffering complications from influenza. For these people immunizing may offer a measure of protection. For healthy people, remember the following immunity boosting advice:

Use the neti pot with warm salt-water solution regularly after all public contacts. The neti pot irrigates the nasal passages and removes some of the bacteria and viruses breathed in during the day. This will reduce the viral load with which your immune system has to cope.

Maintain adequate vitamin D levels. Most of us are deficient in vitamin D during the winter due to the lack of sunlight exposure on our skin.

Eat a diet adequate in protein. Avoid sugar, starchy carbohydrates, and omega-6 polyunsaturated vegetable oils from soybeans, corn, and safflower. Eat plenty of fruits and vegetables.

Supplement with a high quality ultra-refined fish oil.

Get adequate sleep. We require more sleep in the winter when the nights are longer.

Get some moderate regular exercise.

Take a probiotic to help maintain a favorable internal microbial balance.

Wash your hands before eating.

What should you do if despite of your excellent health habits, you still feel yourself becoming ill? Here are some suggestions for natural remedies:

Before the discovery of antibiotics, doctors used colloidal silver extensively as an antimicrobial agent. It is still useful, and unlike antibiotics it treats viruses too, without encouraging the growth of resistant microorganisms. Try 1 teaspoon of a 10 ppm solution, three times daily at onset of symptoms.

Echinacea, an herbal remedy.

Oscillococcinum, a homeopathic remedy - take every 4 hours at onset of symptoms.

High doses of vitamin C, starting at 3 grams daily.

Suck on zinc lozenges

Go to bed earlier and get some extra sleep.

You can use your neti pot up to 4 times daily if you feel yourself becoming ill.

Oil of oregano 4 drops, held under the tongue for a few minutes, followed by a glass of water. Repeat several times throughout the day.

For further information about this subject, visit these links:
http://www.virginiahopkinstestkits.com/virusfighters.html a nice list of flu remedies from Virginia Hopkins, the assistant to the late John Lee, M.D.
http://elvovemd.com/december-2004-newsletter.htm#news2 a newsletter article I wrote about strengthening the immune system.
http://swineflu.mercola.com/sites/swineflu/home.aspx an in-depth analysis of swine flu by Dr. Joseph Mercola, a well-known local natural health physician.

I am definitely going to try some of these ideas, and, some, of have already been doing. Maybe, just maybe, I can have an illness free week someday soon!

Attention shoppers ...

To the lady that got all pissy with me the other day while in line Target:
A big EFF YOU! When I have been in line for 15 minutes behind a gazillion people and a new register opens up and they say next customer, you bet your big fat sweet butt that I am moving, since I was the next customer in line. I do not feel that I owe you any apologies for stepping in front of your over-flowing cart that just showed up and tried to butt in front of me and my 3 items. So, your nasty look and your heavy breathing did not make me feel bad. Really, it just made me a bit more thankful that I have manners and would have let you step in front of me if the roles were reversed! Get over it lady .....

To the managers at Dominicks:
I have been shopping at your store for almost ten years now. I tell people that I like your store way better than Jewel, but I do not think I can say that any longer. Is there a reason that you refuse to get your freezers replaced? For 5 weeks straight you have had at least 50% of your freezers cleaned out because they are on the fritz, causing me to have to go to Jewel to finish my shopping. Not so much fun when you have a 4 year old and toddler in tow!!! So, my dear Dominicks managers, get your store fixed before I become a Jewel girl!

To the hiring managers that really do not think:
If I offend someone, sorry (well, no, not sorry ... this is my blog and I will tell you what I think ...period) ... I do not want some gay dude helping me pick out women's underwear, women's skirts ... or anything that touches my body. Are there not enough men's stores to find jobs at? Seriously ... go away. Leave me alone. Let the nice lady help me find lady stuff ...... And, if they aren't gay, why would a dude want to work at Victoria's Secret or The Limited, anyway??

To the men who make the bras:
I know you are men, I know there is not one woman out there who designs these suckers. I went to Victoria's Secret the other day (where I encountered one of the first dudes that was working in a "lady" store) and got measured .... holy boobs batman!!!!! Yeah, VS doesn't make bras that fit my boobs. Ever try and find a freaking 34 DDD (yes, 34 DDD) in a store and not look like you put on your 95 year old grandmother's bra? Ugh. Seriously ladies ... can some creative designer please make a bra that fits and looks good? Is that really to much to ask????

To the marketing world in general:
Honestly, I know we all want to make as much money as we can, but do we really need to have Christmas decorations displayed before we even go trick or treating? I seriously start to feel completely overwhelmed in your stores when I feel like I am two months behind on everything I do. Please RISE UP and become the first store that actually keeps up with the calendar! I bet there would be a few people who would be happy about that!

Happy Halloween!

We took the little guys trick or treating on Saturday.

It is amazing to me the joy that simple acts can bring to your life. It is amazing to me how watching my two guys can bring back a flood of memories from my past.

Remembering the friends I walked with, the Dads that took us ... the weeks that it seemed went by before the last few candy bars were eaten.

Now, I watch as my kids go door to door. As their Dad holds their hands and leads them up stoops and around other kids. I watch as they eat the vegetable soup I cooked all morning, the same way my Mom wouldn't let us leave the house without eating a bowl full of her creation every year.

Little j took right to the whole thing ... walking up to the doors, carrying his own bucket and holding it out to get the goodies. Big J was the voice of the operation, loud "trick or treats" and lots of "thank yous."

We lasted for about and hour and a half before Big J's hands were freezing and little j had so much snot running into his mouth that he probably was no longer hungry for dinner!

We stopped at 2 friends' houses to say hello before heading back to our place for a family Halloween "party." Meatballs, buffalo chicken dip (OMG - my FAVORITE), hot dogs ... and huge spread to show the kids that Mommy really does love them and wants them to remember these things when they take their kids out for Halloween some day!

My little guys waiting to go check out their loot!

Big J - my Cowboy!

Our family: me- the sorority girl, E - the construction worker, Big J - the cowboy and little j - the farmer

Mommy and her Cowboy

Just stuff

Wow ... has it really been that long since I wrote anything???? Life hasn't been that boring, I haven't been "non-opinionated," basically, I just haven't had the time!

So, random thoughts (in no particular order)

My boss is a dickhead.

I am sick of these grey, rainy days. Seriously, I can maybe count on my one hand the amount of times the sun has been out in the past month!

How much snot can truly come out of a 19-month old's head? He isn't that big, so shouldn't the snot run dry at some point?

Why did I put my son in a good white T-shirt 2 hours before we took Great-Grandma to an Italian restaurant?

Why is it that when you are woken up at 2:00 am you could actually get out of bed and do stuff because you feel refreshed; but, when your alarm goes off at 5:30 to go workout or get to work you feel like you haven't slept in weeks?

Does little j really need to call out from his crib every time he cannot find his pacifier (I know ... get rid of it all together, but that is a battle I am not ready for yet!)? I put an extra one right by his head every night ... and every time I go in there to help him, it is still sitting where I left it!

I thought wives did the nagging and husbands did the complaining about it. Why, in my house, is it the opposite? Seriously dear husband, leave me alone before I explode!

Halloween is on Saturday. The boys' school party is tomorrow. time to put the finishing touches on their costumes. And time to get my mouth tied shut. Here is a mathematics problem for you:
Me + Halloween Candy - Willpower = BIG FAT THIGHS, BUTT, TUMMY + guilt!

Big J ate his vegetables 2 days in a row without being asked. Yahoo Mountain Dew!!!! Can this become a streak?

Thanks to my sister, I have a few pages created on my website already. I have been at a stall with working on it, but I feel good that it actually exists!

I love my Monday and Wednesday Spin classes. I haven't made it to a Friday class in over a month. Do I really think that my weight will continue to disappear if I don't make it to the gym? Let's fix that math problem again:

Me + Halloween Candy - Willpower - gym = big fat thighs, butt, tummy + guilt

I need a girl's night out. Any takers? ;)

We have all been sick in our house. Big J had a massive fever on Saturday and looked like death. Little j had the fever on Friday but never looked that bad. Both boys are better. Me? I feel like shit. But, I have to work and take care of the kids and house so ... no rest for me.

I went to the ND game this past Saturday with my Uncles ... had a great time, but froze my ass off. Wish my Dad could have been there as well ...

Did I mention that my boss is a dickhead? Let's reformulate that problem again:

Me + Candy - Willpower - gym + obnoxious boss = one big, fat, guilt-filled BITCH!!!

The fog rolls in ...

I am sure we have all heard descriptions in our novels about fog rolling in. We have all pictured the scene in our heads hundreds, if not thousands (depending on how much you read!), of times.

You know, there is a field, cemetery, house, street, etc and as the person looks out into the distance they can see the fog, thick as pea soup, creeping ever closer to where they are. In your head you can just see this mass of blackness rolling towards this person and you can imagine the air getting thick and damp.

Well, the fog is rolling in and it is thick, damp and depressing.

Every year, I try and get myself psyched for the end of Summer, Fall and start of (cough, cough) Winter.

Every year I think about the good things that come with this time of year, pumpkin patches, football, batches of chili, Halloween, Thanksgiving, hot chocolate after a cool evening spent running around in the yard.

Those things are all so picturesque and nice, but they don't stop the dread and blahness that encompasses me.

Every year, it seems our Summers abruptly end and we get Fall like a slap on the back. Lately, though, we have skipped right over the Fall season and headed straight for Winter.

We have hit 18 days significantly below normal temperatures. It is gray and rainy most of the time. It has been too cold and damp to let the boys play outside. There is no outlook for things to even reach normal in the near future.

So, again, I try and think about the positives. Those positives quickly escape my head as dread and sadness creeps in. You see, I have been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression or winter blues, is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter or, less frequently, in the summer,[1] spring or fall, repeatedly, year after year. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), SAD is not a unique mood disorder, but is "a specifier of major depression".[2]

The US National Library of Medicine notes that "some people experience a serious mood change when the seasons change. They may sleep too much, have little energy, and crave sweets and starchy foods. They may also feel depressed. Though symptoms can be severe, they usually clear up."[3] The condition in the summer is often referred to as Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder, and can also include heightened anxiety.[4]

There are many different treatments for classic (winter-based) seasonal affective disorder, including light therapy with bright lights, anti-depression medication, cognitive-behavioral therapy, ionized-air administration,[5] and carefully timed supplementation of the hormone melatonin.[6]

Symptoms of SAD may consist of: difficulty waking up in the morning, tendency to oversleep as well as to overeat, and especially a craving for carbohydrates, which leads to weight gain. Other symptoms include a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating on completing tasks, and withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities. All of this leads to the depression, pessimism, and lack of pleasure which characterize a person suffering from this disorder.


Just like that fog rolling in in the novels we read, I have felt this ickiness creeping into my head over the past few days.

I am tired, cranky and sad most of the time. I have no desire to get anything done. I have a sudden urge to eat and eat and eat, all while telling myself how I should stop and it won't make me feel any better.

I am irritated with my husband (why is it that HE gets to sleep in while I have to take care of the boys after getting only 4 hours sleep due to Little j screaming from midnight till 1:30?). I am irritated with work (more so than usual, can that even be?). My zest for waking up in the morning to go to Spin has completely disappeared and my snooze button has become my best friend.

I am sad. I am bummed. I am lonely.

I drive on, as I always do .... but seriously, this stuff ... this SAD ... it exists. It isn't bullshit. It isn't an excuse to complain or sleep. It feels awful. It sucks. It feels like I am completely out of control of my own emotions.

Hopefully, things will get brighter here and there, and Winter will come and go .... and soon I will be back to flip flops, baseball and mowing the lawn.

Think before you speak

I was sitting with a client at my desk this afternoon. I leaned over to get a form out of a drawer and this is what she says, "oh my, I could fit 4 of my legs in one of yours."

W.T.F?????

Are you kidding me?

First off, you have diarrhea of the mouth, you dumb broad. Second, eff you. Third, do you really think I don't know this?

As I have stated in my previous pots, I have been "blessed" with legs that have been passed though generations of people on my Dad's side of the family. They are short and big ... great if you are a football playing dude ... pathetic if you are a girl trying to look lady-like in skirts.

I have spent my entire life listening to comments about my calves, thighs, legs, etc. There have been a few times where these comments were flattering, but, mostly, they have sucked.

Just yesterday, as I was getting ready to go Downtown for my all day meeting (YUCK!), I was perplexed as to what to wear, as I was feeling especially plumped out. I have been to Spin sporadically in the past few weeks due to flu's, colds, sleepless nights with children, and freakin all day meetings. Thankfully I put on a skirt that I thought wouldn't fit and it zipped right up ... must have been more mental than anything, but, still ......

Do some people really not get that they should keep their mouths closed? Do people really think that what they say doesn't matter? If I told everyone exactly what I thought ... geesh, let's not even GO there!

I am getting back on the Spin wagon tomorrow (NOT because of this woman ... I was planning on doing so anyway ... it was simply "good" timing). I don't have to come into the office AGAIN, as previously planned (YEAH!), so I have NO excuse.

E has been talking about trying for a 3rd at the end of the year .... I told him that the only way that I will do so is if I lose HALF of what I wanted to, and that would be 15 pounds.

So ... here we go again!

Oh yea ... remember my goal for last week? No? It was to choose a web host site ... I did, and I am currently constructing my website. New goal this week? Finish 2 pages of the site!!!!

Counting sheep ...

Spent the morning talking/lecturing Big J on his sleep issues lately. A four year old needs more sleep than he is getting.
Once Summer hit, I pushed his bed time from 8 to 9 ... it gave us time to play outside, eat a late meal, and quite frankly, it wasn't dark at 8:00 for him to even be ready to sleep.
Lately, a 9:00 bedtime ends up being 9:45, with ME being more exhausted than he! I have tried starting our routine (which has not changed in two years) at 8:45, 8:30, shoot, even 8:15 ... nothing has seemed to help. He whines that he isn't tired, has to go tell Daddy "one more thing," and shuffles around the bathroom before getting his teeth brushed. It is always one more glass of water, one more hug or one more time to go pee.
He also cannot seem to let us leave his room without starting to cry and asking us to "stay with him." It pulls at your heart strings, but for his sake, and ours, he has to get to bed and start giving us Mommy and Daddy time again.
He also has been whining about taking his naps, both at school and at home. I understand that some kids give up their naos around his age, but, when your child is a nasty, cranky ball of tears by 4:30 ... he still needs a nap.
so, this kid, who no longer naps and who is probably finally falling asleep around 10:00 is finding is way into our bed on an almost nightly basis. I have tried saying no, having him stay for only a few minutes ... but he always end up remaining in the bed until morning. This wouldn't be that big of a deal, but when I am waking up to go work out at 5:30 or get up for work at 5:45 ... he decides it is time for him to be awak too. This means my 4 year old is getting, on average, 7 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period.
Not good for him or me.

Anyone have any good advice? Suggestions? Ways for me to keep from having a mental breakdown because now my husband feels that it is time to have a 3rd .... SHIT! I cannot get my first and second to sleep thought the night and you want me to add a THIRD?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?! Sweetie ... you best start dreaming!!!!!

A new snack!

I normally avoid the taste testing tables at Costco ... either I don't like what they are sampling, or I don't want to try it for fear of really liking it and knowing I shouldn't buy it.
The last time I was shopping, in the sanck section, they were sampling these:

I tried a few and liked them. I checked the nutrtional info and they weren't too bad. All natural. No trans fat. No preservatives. Only 135 calories in each bag. I thought about the kids and knowing how much they like having snacks I thought these might be a nice switch from crackers or chips.
I bought a box and they have seemed to enjoy them. Well, today I brought a bag. These were the Rosemary/Olive Oil version. YUMMY!!!!!!! Such a nice change from baked chips. I think I will be buying these on a consistant basis!

Where can I find the time????

How do some people do it? I know I bitch ... A LOT ... about my job. I will continue to bitch about my job until it changes or I am not there any more. But, I also know I still have some perks. I am not tethered to a desk every day from 8-5. I can set my schedule (most of the time) for what works for me ... around swim lessons, day care parties, etc.

What I do not get, is how do women who do work 8-5 every day get anything done?

Big J has grown about 2 feet in the last month or so. His feet? I think he is wearing men's sizes. I have to get him a complete new wardrobe for fall/winter. I also have changed sizes since last winter (thankfully SMALLER ... but not yet small enough to fit back into my pre-little j clothes) and need to get new jeans and some tops for the cold weather. I have a list of stores to hit and places to try ... but when the heck am I supposed to get this done?

Taking Big J shopping is just BEGGING for a barrage of, "Mommy, can I have's" and "You never get me anything's." Trying to find a pair of jeans that fit my inherited thunder thighs and baby pooch while keeping an 18 month old inside a fitting room and a 4 year old from asking why I have a scar on my belly is IMPOSSIBLE and draining.

So, on my way home every day, when I can, I stop at an individual store and get something done. How I miss the days of knowing I had the ability to work from home one day a week and I could tackle my errands in just a few short hours while the kids were at school. How I miss the days that I could avoid even coming near a store on a busy Saturday afternoon, while the boys are napping, when I would much rather be watching college football anyway!

And even without the boys ... have you tried on clothes lately (and if you have, and you are one of those woman who can look at a size, slip it on and voila pay dirt ... leave me alone!)??? I have pants at home. They are too big. I went to the store to get the SAME pants in one size down. Too small. Tried on the size I have at home .... too effing small!!!! WHAT?!?!?!?!??

I tried on jeans. I KNOW what kind I need ... I cannot, nor have I ever (even in my skinniest of days) been able to wear skinny jeans. Once again, the inherited thunder thighs have stopped that fantasy. So, I look for straight leg, mid rise (did I mention I have the "I have had 2 C-sections pooch"????) jeans. Um ... if you say they are S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T leg ... WHY do they get narrow at the thigh and then big at the calf ... um, by definition, is that straight??????

straight,adjective -er, -est, adverb, noun
–adjective 1. without a bend, angle, or curve; not curved; direct: a straight path.

So .... LUCKILY I found a pair of Liz & Co at JC Penney that I think does the trick.

THEN I went bra shopping ... HA HA HA HA HA HA HA .....

I tried doing this on Saturday afternoon in between naps and at the before the start of the ND game. Yeah ... she measured me, and, yet again, I am between sizes. Actually - I have BIG freakin boobs! Hello, can we say 34 DDD ... TRIPLE effing D?!?!?!??! Whatever happened to my sweet little 34 C chest? Oh yea, two kids.

So, Victoria Secret only had a 36 DD, I bought that and hope it will suffice until I can find a place that carries bras for big mamas. I ran home to catch the 2nd quarter of the game, change a load of laundry and get the kids ready for Saturday evening Mass.

ARGH! I am hoping to catch a burst of energy one evening after the boys go to sleep so I can actually clean the house ... doing things like that sporatically doesn't work because it never ends!!!!

Weekend recap

Another weekend flew by and to be quite honest, I hardly remember it; we try to squeeze so much into a 2-day period that it just goes by quicker than a person can blink!

Friday night was carry out night. It was cool and rainy and quite frankly, depressing out. We ordered some Go Roma and Big J, E and I sat down to watch Sand Lot (Big J has been bored by "kiddie" movies, so PG movies here we come .... God help me). He loved it.

Saturday morning was "Mommy and boys" morning. We got ready and went to Starbucks over by the train station. Big J tried the sample pumpkin latte and flipped out because it was so good ... I am doomed. We watched the trains and ate our muffins and then walked over to the Farmer's Market. Big J picked out some veggies for the soup I would be making and one of each type of apple that he saw. :) We headed over to the Party Store to start looking for costume ideas: Big J is going to be a cowboy. Little j? Well, he detests hats and hoods so we are trying to come up with an idea that can do without those. Then it was off to Home Depot to pick up some mums to replace the sad looking impatiens on the front porch.

Saturday afternoon I went to a friend's house for a Tastefully Simple party. I ordered just a few things and it was nice to be on my own for a couple hours (until I came home and saw the house in MASSIVE upheaval ... is it that hard to clean up after 2 children for two freaking hours? I do it, why can Dad not do it?!?!?!??). We went to Durty Nellie's (one of my faves) for dinner and the start of the ND game (since my Alma mater cannot seem to win a stinkin football game to save their lives, I will hope that ND can pull out a few wins this season). A bowl of chili and beer started the evening off pretty nicely. Another trip to Home Depot on the way home (only to see Big J run around in the garden center and trip on the gravel and bust up his elbow ... poor little dude!) and then home to the couch to see the end of ND beating Purdue!

Sunday we went to Mass and then to Einsteins to grab some pumpkin bagels and Autumn roast coffee and then we went to my Uncle's house to watch the Bears game and eat some food. The boys behaved pretty well, Big J always enjoys hanging out with his great uncle ... it is his surrogate Grandpa S when we cannot be in Florida!!!!!!

Where did the weekend go????????

So, it is back to the usual crap I deal with Monday through Friday. Listening to bosses whine too much, clients bitch too much and wishing I was inherently wealthy. I am hoping that my week can go by pretty quickly (although, with 2 days - in a row - in this office, it could make for a slow go. At least I am finally getting my hair cut and colored on Thursday. I am embarrassed to go out looking like this any longer!!!!

My goal of the week? Pick out a web hosting company and start building the website. That isn't too lofty of an idea is it?

(Oh yea .... About the Sand Lot movie. So, we reminded Big J about the language used by some of the kids that he watched. He said that he understood. So, on Saturday he was on the phone telling my Dad about the movie and this is what I hear: "so, Grandpa, then the little boy takes the ball and runs away from the dog and yells 'oh SHIT!'" Both my Dad and I stopped, tried to quell our laughter and tell Big J that he shouldn't repeat those words. For the next hour he kept saying, 'Please don't tell Dad that I said a bad word ... I didn't mean too!'")

Find a starting point and go with it

I need to get back into the swing of things - and quickly.



I am falling into the traps of routine .... and I cannot afford that.



I have been talking about getting my business up and running for months now, and I am still not up and running.



I have been waiting on my sister to finalize my logo ... not done.



I have to choose my host company to create my website ... not done.



I have to get the logos made so I can order some business cards ... not done.



WTF?!?!?!??!



How do I expect myself to ever get out of this dead-end, crap-ass job of mine if I do not create a future for myself???



And what is with my utter EXHAUSTION lately? Seriously, I could go lay down at any point in time throughout the day and just pass out.



I feel like I am getting fatter by the day, lazier by the hour and crabbier by the minute. Did I not just go on a "refresher" weekend for myself.



I have to get my act in gear and pronto!!!!!!

Wedding memories and anniversary trips

September 18, 2004 - Our Wedding Day. One of the best, yet scariest days of my life. It was a day in which I married a man I truly loved, and also a day where I knew my life as just "me," ended.



I remember the day as if it were yesterday. It was a beautifully sunny day, we had our mishaps and silly things, but in the end, I loved my wedding and the memories I have from it.



E has never been a hapless romantic. He isn't my Romeo, or Knight in Shining Armour. Some days I wish I had that ... but what E is, and why I love him, is my friend. He is the guy that I can watch football with. The guy that I can take to pumpkin patches, family reunions and movies. He is the guy that I can bitch about girlfriends to. He won't take me to a forest with a picnic basket full of goodies and write me poetry, but he will take me out for a burrito and watch the MLB playoffs with me after we put kids to bed.



Our marriage hasn't been easy, as I have said before. Our roads has been bumpy and scary, to say the least. I have questioned my decision many times. But, today, I am glad that I married him. I am glad that he is the one I am driving down the bumpy road with.



We celebrated our 5th anniversary on our own. We took the boys to my MIL's on Thursday evening. Friday morning we packed up the car and drove a few hours to Galena, IL. We have been there before, celebrating our engagement. It was a nice trip. We didn't do much - that was the nice part!



We spent Friday afternoon walking around town, shopping (he hates that, but he actually did pretty well). We shared an ice cream float at an old-fashioned ice cream parlour. That evening we drove, following the GOS recommendation, down Devil's Ladder Road (HOLY SHIT!!!!! It was like a roller coaster - only in our car and on a dirt path!) to a restaurant overlooking the Mississippi River. My food? Sucked ... but the ambiance was awesome and E really enjoyed the scenery (and his food). After dinner we hung out at the Resort's bar for a bit, he bought me a couple dirty martinis and we watched the end of the Cubs game. It was so cool to just hang out with him again ... like old times.



On Saturday we went back into town for lunch - hanging out at yet, another bar, watching college football and eating. It was so much fun. We hung out in the pool for the rest of the afternoon before heading to our nice Italian dinner (um - I think all we did was eat!).



On Sunday, we got up and went to Sunday brunch (yes, we ate some more) before heading back into town to get the boys and jump back into reality.



All in all, the weekend re-ignited some passion that had been missing from our marriage. Hopefully we can keep it while wandering through our every day life.



Happy Anniversary, my dear.

Some updated pics of the boys

A follow up

50,000 things have been swirling through my head since my run in with Stephen. I have heard various reactions from people about what I should have done, felt, said, etc. I have had the "I should have's" ever since as well.
I have been asked, "was he really that bad?" Um, yes. He was. No, he never hit me, he never laid a hand on me. So, in that sense, he wasn't horrible. But, the fear and guilt that he impressed into my brain and heart hurt worse than a lot of bruises. And the healing from this hurt took years ... sometimes I would have rather been hit, at least those bruises go away.
I have been asked, "why didn't you stop and say something to him. It would give you closure?!" My answer? I have no idea. I was so dumbstruck by the fact that I was standing in front of him that my body went into panic mode. Part of me wishes I would have stopped and said something, figured out if he ruined someone else, or not. I would have liked to find out if Karma has kicked him in the ass. But, then, I think that I am glad that I didn't stop to say anything to him ... with all the thoughts that are running through my brain right now, can you even begin to imagine what I would be thinking about if I had had a conversation with him? Also, Stephen was such a whack job that I seriously think he can convince himself that his past did not happen. I really do think I could have stopped to talk with him and he would either not know who I was or act as if I was just some acquaintance he made in the past. I think that would have stung just as much as his abuse did.
I have also been asked, "did I ever call the girl." I tried. I called a couple times and I always got the answering machine or it would ring and ring. I didn't want to leave a message because 1. I didn't want Stephen to know I was calling and 2. I didn't want her to get in trouble. I wonder about her every once in a while and wish that I could find out what happened and how he was. I wonder what web of lies (or sins of omission) Stephen created to get her to listen and obey. I hope she turned out OK.
I guess, as much as I think that Stephen is a jag bag who deserves to get the crap kicked out of him, I also hope that he has changed. That maybe church has rubbed off on him or something. My guess though? Probably not.
I also know that I feel creepy now. I know that the next few times I go Downtown for work I am going to be on edge, constantly looking over my shoulder. I often look on Google to see if I can find him ... not to talk with him, but just out of shear hope that he gets what is coming to him. I also think that if I ever had the opportunity again, this time I would keep trying to talk with "the girl." I feel like I owe that to anyone who is walking into something blind. We all deserve to know who we are falling for ... and if they cannot be honest about their past, someone should step up and do so. I also wonder, sometimes, who the ex-wife was. I wonder how I could ever find her. I wonder if she has erased Stephen from her memory or if she is haunted by his grip as well....
As my Mom always says, "sometimes life doesn't give us our rewards or punishments, but we always get them when we die." It may not be quick enough for me, but I do know that when God has His opportunity to meet Stephen, it won't go without some time to reflect on the crap that he put people through ... in the name of God.

I think I am about to be sick ...

that is what I said, out loud, to myself as I was walking out of my office building 20 minutes ago.

I got my lunch at noon ... didn't leave till 12:05. I brought a Healthy Choice Steamer meal today, so I had to go out and grab my usual, Diet Dr Pepper. I exit the doors of my office building and turn to go towards CVS and smack dab standing in front of me, looking right at me, is Stephen Gillum (his real name ... I feel NO need to protect this asshole's privacy what so ever). I kept walking, as my stomach was doing back flips, side flips and anything else it could possibly do.

Why am I so disgusted by this piece of crap? Let me share ....

About 12 years ago, while still living in Florida, I had just gotten out of a pretty serious relationship and was heart broken. I went out with some friends and they had brought along a new guy, Stephen. He was hot. We were all drinking and dancing and having a great time. He took my phone number and the following week we spent the day together ... helped him decorate his apartment for Christmas, talked, went out dancing and really hit it off .... Shortly after that we started seeing each other on a daily basis.

About two weeks past and we had already gotten pretty serious and I wanted to go home one evening after work instead of to his place .... Stephen quickly got angry, stating that I was probably going home to see someone else. Stupidly, I mistook this control and jealously to be him liking me so much that I succumbed and went to his place instead.

A few weeks later I got a phone call from him that threw me for a loop. He told a bunch of people at his church about me (he was Pentecostal, I am Roman Catholic) apparently they had told him that I was going to Hell because I was Catholic and that he should dump me. My naiveté kicked in and I was stumped. I didn't say much, but in the end of our conversation, from what I can remember, he said that he wouldn't listen to them.

Flash forward to February, I went on a church retreat with the friends that I met him through. After the retreat Stephen was angry that I had become friendly with the guy friend and took off in anger, leaving me to search for him through his apartment complex. I started to question what I was doing with this guy, but really didn't know how to end things. I had always been the dumppee and wasn't very skilled at being the dumper. A few days later Stephen found out he was being transferred to Chicago. I truly, in the back of my head, thought that this was my way out of things. He would move and we would fizzle.

Ha. For Valentine's Day we took a trip to Chicago to help him find an apartment, (and since I had grown up in the Suburbs it was cool to get back and see the City). When he needed to put a deposit down on his, outrageously expensive apartment, he told me to open my wallet and put it on my credit card (he made TWICE what I was making at the time ... and I was living at HOME). I did. In fact, that whole trip he made me put everything on my credit card. I stupidly agreed.

When we returned I helped him pack and watched him leave.

The Monday he was to start work, a day in the beginning of March, I think, I received a page (yes, I used to have one) to call him. I called him. It had snowed about 6 inches the night before. Stephen knew nothing other than Florida. I told him to put on some boots and gloves and he would be fine (I didn't quite know what else he wanted me to do or say). I was getting ready for work myself. He hung up abruptly.

I then received a few pages in a row ... all with codes (if anyone remembers pagers, you could put the numbers from the telephone that would correspond to the letters you wanted to use ... I guess a precursor to texting). The pages spelled "asshole, bitch, and I hate you."

OK ....

I must have forgiven him because I went to see him at the end of March for my birthday.

The first night I was there we sat in his apartment, which he still had not unpacked, and ate dinner. We started fooling around. He stopped dead in his tracks, looked at my black bra and matching panties (um ... nothing special, just Sears satin sets) and said, "What are you, a whore? I want nothing to do with you. You drink, you go out and dance. You do nothing but sin." He turned over and went to sleep. What I couldn’t understand at all, was … he met me and I was drinking and dancing and having fun … what the fuck changed since then??? The following day, he acted as if nothing was said and gave me implicit instructions that while he was at work I was to unpack his boxes. I did.

While I was there we never went out, I met no one and he kept me in his apartment like it was a hideout. I left the following Monday - my birthday. I had a friend pick me up from the airport and we went to dinner to celebrate my birthday. He tried paging me several times. When I finally called him back, he never said Happy Birthday, he just yelled at me for not calling him back quick enough and accused me of cheating on him and then threw a variety of insults my way.

We broke up for a while and one night a few months later I got a page from him that said (in code) he was thinking of me. This happened a few times until he finally begged me to call him. We talked like friends for a bit and everything was fine. He was coming back to Florida for a visit and he wanted me to hang out. We did ... and suddenly we were back where we left off. I was sucked in again … maybe I never really got out.

One time, while we were out to lunch I had on a T-shirt and shorts. I threw my purse over my chest so I didn't have to hold it. He said "the way your purse is going across your boobs, it makes you look like a slut. Take it off." I did. The next day I was putting on some lipstick and he said, “You are such a whore, aren’t you a child of God? Take that off.” I did. Before he left to go back to Chicago he told me that I should come and move in with him. I told him that the next time I was going to live with someone I would be married. He said ... well then let's get married. We will go to the Court and get married. I poo pooed the idea and went about my life. I didn’t want to tell him that I didn’t want to … I didn’t want him yelling at me or preaching to me.

Stephen would page me numerous times throughout the day while I was at work; if I didn't call back he would get angry. One time I was in a meeting for a few hours and he was enraged. He told me that he talked to people I worked with and that he knew I wasn't at work and that they told him that I was slutting around with other people. He would tell me that he knew I dressed like a slut and he would treat me as such.

This went on for weeks. He would play the religion card, "if you just had strong enough faith, you would just come here and trust that our marriage would work." He would yell at me if I went out at night, "I know you are going out and sleeping with guys, you are such a whore." He would get angry if I was out with my parents and didn't call him back, "You should drop everything when I contact you. God says to obey your spouse." (I often wondered, since when did you become my spouse?)

I was in so deep, and so brainwashed by his maniacal ways that I didn't know what to do. I wanted out but didn't know how any more. Even though he wasn't with me physically, I was afraid every moment that he would call, that he would call me more names or threaten me.

Things finally came to a head the week before Thanksgiving. He wanted me to come visit him for the holiday. My Grandma was coming into town, and quite frankly I just wanted things to go away. I kept telling him no. He blamed his loss of his job on me (I think it was because he spent too much time paging me that he got fired, he claims he quit ... either way, I didn't give a fuck anymore). I remember driving home from work late one night and talking to him on the cell, he shouted at me "I am more important than your Grandma, I am the most important person in the world, you should obey me and come here. We will walk to the justice of the peace and then you will not have anyone else to listen to or be with ... you will be mine."

That was my trigger. I paused. I thought. And with no tears, no fear, no pit in my stomach, I calmly said, "Stephen, I do not want to marry you. I do not want to be yours. I do not want to live with you. I never want to hear from you again."

That was the end. For a few weeks I would get random pages and then it stopped. I was free ..... But then the story started really making sense.

My guy friend and I sat down one night and had a heart to heart (while I was with Stephen he basically cut me off from everyone, I am surprised I had any friends left after the ordeal). He finally told me what he knew about Stephen's previous "girlfriend." (Whom Stephen would only say, "we broke up, that is all you need to know."

Apparently Stephen dated this girl and one day they went out on his lunch hour and got married at the justice of the peace. She moved in with him and he began the control. One day their fighting got out of hand ... he got angry at her and walked out (as he had done to me in the past) and she locked the door on him. He came back and broke the door in (the entire time that he lived in Florida I often wondered why the molding from the front door was just leaning on the wall). Then one night they were fighting in his car and he got pissed at her and threw the car into reverse. He was arrested for domestic battery and she field for divorce. I have no clue who she is, where she ended up or what. The scary part? My sister looked his name up and found his arrest record and mug shot with the Hillsborough County Sheriff.

Want to get a chill? See the guy you were sleeping with, the guy who wanted you to “be his,” on your computer screen with a mug shot for beating up his wife. I often wished my friend had told me these things ... then again, maybe he thought I knew, people who apparently love each other are supposed to talk, right? With Stephen, who knows.

A few months later, I was living in my new apartment and getting my life back in order. I had written Stephen's crap out of my life. I was going out with friends, guys ... I was being a normal 24 year old.

One day my Mom called me at work, she NEVER called me at work. She said, "Lisa, I have to tell you what just happened." My Mom picked up the phone and a girl said, "Is Lisa there?" My Mom first told her that I was at work and that I had moved into my own place. The girl started to get flustered and said that is was really important that she talk to me. My Mom told her that she could take a number and I would call her back. The girl's response, "He would find out. I cannot do that. He would get mad. Can I please have her new number?" My Mom gave her my number.

I knew who it was. I knew Stephen was the "he" this girl was talking about. When I got home and checked my caller ID I was right ... I had received a number from the area code that I knew he was living in. The cycle was continuing. I wanted to call the girl back ... I knew how she found my number .... Stephen never threw anything away ... when I was dating him he had bags and bags of old bills, papers, etc. I was too stupid to investigate ... had I done so, maybe I would have gotten the story about Stephen long before I was caught in his trap. This girl was smart enough to look ... but was she smart enough to leave him? I hope so.

So ... when I saw Stephen today, standing on the sidewalk in his khaki pants and blue dress shirt, rubbing his hands together (without a wedding ring, I might add) like he always had, looking smug and so sure of himself, I felt sick. I felt angry. I wanted to turn around and scream. I wanted to tell him that it took months for me to regain relationships with my family. Months for me to feel safe outside of my own home, away from a phone. YEARS for me to stop looking in the mirror and questioning if I was a slut or whore or dirty. Years for me to trust men again. I wanted to lash out and make him feel everything I had felt, and then some.

I hope he is alone .... lonely. I have no idea if he recognized me ... I know we made eye contact. Although Stephen was so psycho and such a liar that he probably convinces himself that his past never really happened .... I hope I never see him again, ever. But, now, I have that funny feeling in my stomach every time I leave my office ... I wonder how long it will last this time.

Most people think that abuse has to be physical; that you have to have a bruise to prove that you were abused. Sometimes emotional and verbal abuse is just as bad, if not worse. The bruises that one feels in their heart and mind can take years, if not lifetimes, to heal. Stephen is an abuser … maybe he has changed, I pray that he has changed. But, in my mind, he remains an abuser. He is no better than the man that slaps his wife around. He locks you up in a web of lies and truths that he spins until you are so tangled that you cannot escape. He takes away your independence, your passion, your energy. He leaves you feeling worthless. Too bad you cannot get jail time for emotional abuse … he certainly made me feel like I was in jail for a long time. Time that I can never get back … but wish I could.

People often ask me, what is one thing you would change in your life? Stephen is my answer.

Birthdays, Trips and more

Where oh where have I been these past two weeks!!!

Life has been spinning ... sometimes spinning out of control, and I would love to know where my plans always end up ... cuz they are NOT coming even close to completion!

So, let's see .... what have we done, seen, heard and thought of in these past two weeks???

I took some time off (yahoo Mountain Dew!) to celebrate Big J's birthday ... the BIG 4 (talk about where has the time gone??????) It was the Friday before his birthday ... I took him in for his 4 year pictures (I suddenly realized why I never have pictures on here any more ... I am never on my home computer ... where I keep them all ... I will have to create a new post just to do this one thing!). He is such a cool dude now ... I want to just hug him and save him him for future days ... knowing that he won't always be just this cool!!!!

After his pics, we picked up his younger brother and the 3 of us went to CPK for lunch. We had a blast coloring and goofing around. It was bittersweet ... to see how much fun they are ... but to know that it will never be like this again ... 4 and 17 months.

That Saturday was his actual birthday. We took him out for pancakes (they came free for his bday ... we actually had so many free kids' meals I couldn't use them all up!). After pancakes we went to the Framer's Market where he picked out some blueberries, apples and cookies ... it was too fun! That afternoon, Big J went with E to the Bears' game, while little j and I started getting the house ready for the birthday party, and for my parents' visit. So much to do ... and no where NEAR enough time to get it done.

Sunday was the day of the party .... Big J was so hyped. We picked up hi pirate cake (once again ... pics to be posted) and balloons .. and people started showing up at noon. It was a great party.

My parents were getting along with E's parents (it is so nice to see this ... after all of the crap we have all trudged thru for so long. Friends have become like family now. The only issue I had was with Big J's friend's mom. Dude ... watch your effing kid! I swear ... for about a month now, Big J has been coming home from school with talks from his teachers about he and "aggressive one" wrestling, etc. I have been trying to teach him about no hands, etc ... now I know WHO the culprit is.

I stood there and watched Aggressive One slug Big J for no reason. His Mom? GIGGLED. She effing giggled. Freaking blond bitch. About an hour later, Aggressive One took a car and shoved into Big J's face ... once again, she smiled and then, upon seeing my irritation, she said, "Aggressive One ... stop." ... now, if it were my child ... um ... let us not even BEGIN to go there!!!!!!

Anyway, once Aggressive One and his family left (and oh yea ... one more beef .... they have 3 kids, ages 6, 4 and 1 .... Aggressive One is in class with Big J .... what did they give Big J for his presents? A Dora board game and a little baby Tonka truck ... can we say, thanks for the re-gifts???? Big J looked at the game and said, "Mom, Dora is for girls."), the party was great and everyone really had fun.

My parents stayed thru that Tuesday and we all really enjoyed oursleves. They got along really well with E (and vice versa) and I enjoyed their company and the fact that I was not at work!!!!!

On Tuesday Big J left with my parents for his vacation in Florida - he was SO excited!!!

Life has been quiet aroudn teh house without my little dude ... but he is loving every second of his trip. and little j? He is having the time of his little life too. I think he loves having the center of attention for once! He even said a few words ... "melmo" (Elmo) and "oooooonnnn" (moon) ... now if we could just get "MOMMY!!!!!!!"

On Thursday I head down to Tampa to see Big J and I stay thru Tuesday ... can we say PSYCHED???

Why am I psyched?

• I see my sister who can, hopefully, help me nail down my logo for my business so when I get back and I can start to really get moving


• I get to see my "bug" ... I really do miss him


• I get to get pampered by Mom and Dad for a while .......... aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh


• The weather here sucks ass ... serioulsly, Summer is GONE.


• FOUR more days off of work ... I still hate this place

Pics to come soon .... really!!!!!

Changing my ways

So, remind me to not always be "the nice one."

Even after being "the nice one" I still get screwed in the end.

So ... while I won't become "the bitch," I will become "the nice one who isn't a floor mat."

Enough said.

More random thoughts ...

... and in no particular order ....

• I am sick. Not just "I am not feeling 100%" sick, I feel like I could crawl under the covers and die for a few hours ... ugh. I prod on.


• I am trying to decide on a web hosting company for A Thought Outside the Box. I know its not rocket science, but I am CONFUSED!


• I am waiting on my sister's co-worker to create my logo. Judas Priest woman, I am asking for a simple logo - not a masterpiece - if you cannot effing get it done, TELL ME!


• I have to pee but I refuse to use a bathroom at a public health facility (I know, I know ... ).


• I hung up the last of the new blinds for the house yesterday. They look AWESOME!


• I am half way finished with painting the kitchen .... if I didn't feel so shitty I would finish it ASAP!


• Big J's birthday is in ten days. Holy shit, he is going to be FOUR ... where has time gone????


• Little j is still not talking ..... no further comment. If he refuses to talk, so do I!


• I took another 2 days off next week ... I wonder if my boss is starting to think that something is up ... fine by me.


• I really wish I could find a kind-hearted soul who wants to help me create my website ... without costing me an arm and a leg. Anyone know an intern?????


• This morning, I woke up with the kids, I got the kids ready, I stopped and picked up breakfast for my husband ... um, who is sick and who is spoiled?


• I am proud of my friend who is handling her divorce with dignity.


• I wish I could help my middle sister with her $$ and husband ... but, at some point, you make your bed and you must lie in it.


• Is it Friday yet?


• I need a vacation ... just a few more weeks til a trip home to Florida!!!!!!

I still really have to pee .............

Sticks and Stones

So, we are getting out of the car last night for swim lessons and Big J says, "out of my way fat lady."

WTF?!?!?!!?

E asks him to repeat what he said and Big J says, "the kids at school said Mommy is fat, so I said Mommy is fat."

E proceeds to question Big J about who said what. Big J says that his friend, little Frank (there are two Franks in his class ... I didn't know "Frank" was such a popular name!), said that Big J's Mommy is fat.

E tries to tell him that he should protect his Mommy and tell other kids to be nice.

OK ... so, my issue? Is it bad that hearing a 4 year old think I am fat actually HURT?! I mean, here I am busting my tail every morning to get to Spin classes, watching what I eat and some punk brat kid is going to tell my son that his mom is fat??? Has anyone let this punk know that I have lost 30 pounds this year??????

I want to kick some ass, and I want to kick it now!

Obviously the emotional scars from this issue from the past NEVER go away.

In the meantime, I think I remember Frank's Mom and she was some big trailer-trash woman. I hope she hears it from her kid some day. Pay back is a bitch.

A place to sit

Our new couch was delivered last night. After three long months without (my husband and his over-zealous ways threw out our old one before I could blink ... our family of four and various visitors all had to share an Ikea chair and old Lazy Day ... I digress). Its sharp. I wasn't too fond of it at first ... but after seeing it in teh room, with the new paint ... I like it .... Now to get the ottoman, art for the walls, kitchen painted, dining room color picked out, dining room table ..... AH! nevermind!!!

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Who are you and what did you do with my child?

So, last night, we are sitting at dinner after Big J's swim lessons (leftover Chinese .... no time to cook with 5:30 lessons!. Big J is done eating, Little j gets put in bed and I (AKA; the maid) have to start cleaning up.

E asks Big J if he would like to watch a show, Big J replies, "Nope, no show, I think I am going to help Mommy."

Huh? What? Did I just hear someone say they want to help Mommy???

Waiting for the punch line, I inquire, "you mean you want me to get you a snack ro something and you are going to help?"

"No, Mommy, I want to help you clean up the kitchen."

And with that, my beautiful 3-soon-to-be-4-year-old, learns how to wash dishes, load the dishwasher, wipe up the counter, take out the recycling, and clean the high chair.

After every task, I asked him, "Are you ready to stop or do you want to learn more?"

Each time he replied, "No Mommy, I am having fun helping you."

When the last task was completed he asked, "Is it OK if I am done now?"

He hugged me and we sat down to watch Shark Week together. While we were sitting there, I thanked him an asked what made him want to help me this evening.

His reply? "No one ever helps you Mommy and I didn't want you to be so tired."

:) I love my little boy.