Thoughts, revelations and a big leap of faith

Random thoughts .... in no particular order:



My family will be here in 3 days! Yahoo Mountain Dew! I am psyched. I also have a 5 day weekend coming up ... praise God!


I just walked outside for my lunch break. It is BEAUTIFUL!!! I deem it a "why-oh-why-can't-I-be-a-stay-at-home-mom-Day." I have to sit in this nasty office for FOUR more hours ..... I am going to die!


Speaking of lunch (like my sedge way?) I just opened a bag of new Baked Lays Southwestern Ranch. They have been redeemed!!! I was just thinking about how the plain ones were starting to taste like cardboard ... these, well, ... YUMMY!!!!!!

So, I sit, and I eat my Lean Cuisine Chicken Ranch Flat bread Wrap, Southwestern Ranch Baked Lays and drink my Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper (addicted, yes) and listen to the thoughts in my head about my new venture in life .... a business. A massive leap of faith.

For quite some time I had been trying to find a way to make money doing things I love to do. One thing I love to do is make gift baskets. Not a basket filled with crap, but. unique, themed, cool gift "baskets." Well, my youngest sister is in the process of starting an event planning business. We were talking and I am going to piggy back onto her. I can attach my website (um - I think I need to come up with a product first) to hers and see where it takes me ..... Who knows. Maybe some day I can quit.

And, ha ha, dear readers (whoever you may be ... if any at all), you are the first, besides my sister, to actually know about this. I played around with it in my head for a few weeks ... but I am actually going to do this!!! Yeah!

I actually think I am going to take the plunge. Put some money into myself and my talents and hope that God gives me some help. I have to believe in myself (I am not very good at that, you see) and know that I have what it takes.

I think.

Um ... really ... plead the Fifth ....

A list of things to not say to someone who has PMS coursing thru her veins:

• "Yes, it is a bad tire, probably from potholes. It will be another $125."
• "Mommy .... Mooommy .... MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
• "I am tired. I had a long day. I am going to take a nap. Do you have everything ttaken care of down here?"
• "When is dinner going to be ready?"
• "Wow, you look tired."
• "I don't wanna go to bed!"
• "The door is leaking again, we need a towel."
• "Want to have sex tonight?"
• "There is another door leaking, do you have any more towels?"
• "Mommy, I spilled my milk."
• "I took the day off ... what are your plans for the day?"
• "When are you going to get to *insert chore here*??"
• "Are you watching this?"
• "Are you sure you don't want to have sex tonight?"
• "I think one of the kids spilled their milk."
• "Why don't you want to have sex tonight?"
• "Are you in a bad mood?"

Seriously.

WTF?

IMHO

Helen? Really? C'mon people!!!!!

If you cannot follow me ... I LOVE the Biggest Loser. I have watched this show since the first season. I pretty much think it is one of the best reality shows on TV. Why? Because, no matter what you think, it promotes people getting off the couch and realizing that they can lose weight.

All season I watched as Tara wiped the floor clean, each and every time. I watched as Mike and his Dad defeated odds and grew closer, all the while, shrinking. I watched as Tara had the attitude of a winner, no matter what outcome played out.

I remember the episode where the teams had to choose someone to go home. It was between Helen and her daughter. I remember Ron saying that, as a parent, he would want his child to stay because he would want the very best for them. As a Mom (and thinking about what MY Mom would do) I could not have agreed more. Well, Selfish Helen chose to send her daughter home. From that point on, I despised Helen.

So, last night they paraded all of the contestants out, even the ones who went home. I couldn't help it, but I started to cry. Jerry and his wife, Grandma and Grandpa in their own worlds, looked amazing. Everyone was beaming from ear to ear. Ron looked so healthy and I can only hope he can pass his knowledge on to his other son, Max.

The finale came down to Tara, Michael and Helen. When the host asked Helen, before any one's weight was taken, if she thought she could beat the 2 younger contestants, Helen actually looked both of them up and down, and said "Yes, I think I can beat them." I wanted to reach through the TV, pick her up by her sunken face and bleach blond hair, and punch the living CRAP out of her. You bitch! Isn't that what fat people deal with day in and day out? Looks from the skinnier crowd? Judgements? Ever hear of being a gracious winner/loser?????

So ... kudos to Mike for looking more happy about being healthy than about winning money. Kudos to Tara for being an awesome inspiration. Jeers to Helen who looked like she starved herself to get to a weight that could win her some $$$$ ... I would like to place some bets to see how long she will actually stay at 117 lbs!!!!!!

On the other reality show that I waste precious moments on ... American Idol. Well, I think I go against the grain on this one. I detest Adam with every bone in my body. I think he is an over-the-top, weird, obnoxious, ANNOYING singer. He belongs on Broadway or doing voice overs for cartoons .... not on my radio!!!!!! Tell him to take the ugly black eye liner off and to quit destroying songs that I love ... and, oh yea, could the judges, especially Simon, crawl any further up his butt???? Seriously. I am rooting for Chris .... it won't happen, but I am.

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On a completely different note .... what the hell is going on with my freaking car??? The lease ends in less than 2 months. 3 weeks ago I get a flat, in the middle of the freaking expressway. It was a nutroll. New tire needed.

Yesterday, after working in the god-forsaken office, I get off the train and notice something funny looking about my front tire. Upon inspection, it was a bubble. SHIT!!!!!!!!

So, E took the tire off when I got home and put on the spare. He is apparently going to the mechanic to get another tire change. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am ready for a brand new vehicle that has no issues and is road ready!!!!

Panic button has been pushed ... a few times ...

My miracle pills ran out on Sunday. Yesterday was OK ... I survived. Today? It is a different story.

I am in pure panic mode. All I can think about is food .... my stomach has been rumbling since breakfast (and I ate lunch).

OMG. What if I go back? What if I cannot get rid of the next bunch of pounds? I have been feeling so "on-top-of-the-world" lately, pertaining to my weight loss goal. What if I stop and stay stagnant again?

I feel awful. I want to cry. I already feel defeated.

See, the pill didn't make you FEEL full ... it just made you THINK full. The pill worked on your MIND. Now my mind is spinning into awful thoughts about "Chunky ME" being all I will ever know from here on out.

Crap.

Wanting Saturday back ...

Why do the weekends always fly by before you can even blink? Seriously? Mondays and Tuesdays DRAG ... but Sunday evening is here right after you finish your Friday happy hour cocktail!

Friday evening we took the boys to Red Lobster (not my fave choice for seafood, but we had $10 off!). Big J tried crab legs and LOVED em. I thought that was pretty cool. After dinner we went over to yet another car dealership and walked away empty handed. This is getting totally maddening!

Saturday morning E took the boys out for doughnuts while I got a chance to linger in bed for about an hour or so. It was nice to hear SILENCE for a change! We got right to work after that. The handy man got there (only to discover our NEXT debacle form this Money Pit ... the door, floor and carpet in the office are completely rotting away from years of water damage ... they all need to be replaced. ugh). I ran errands and treid to get the house cleaned and organize - not an easy thing when every time I turn around we are taking something apart or redoing it.

We spent 2 hours at Home Depot that night ... much to my frustration. The boys were exhausted, and the cookout that I had planned for us ... well, we started the grill at 10:00. Don't even ask.

Sunday morning started as usual. We all went to my church for Mass and then headed to the Zoo for Mother's Day. The place was PACKED. But, it was an enjoyable day ... Big J freaked out when I took him into the Dino Alive exhibit. I thought he would love it! (Although, when I questioned him later he said that was his favorite part!)

After the zoo, we were all wiped out, so we ordered a pizza and I sat on my but in honor of Mom's Day!!!! (Back to usual now!).

On a postive note ... I have lost another 5 pounds. 20 more to go. The negative note... My last pill was yesterday .... I am nervous, but confident I can do this! Keep your fingers crossed!

Time flies by

So I looked at Big J today and realized: he is a boy. I <know he is a boy .... what I mean is, he is no longer a baby.

We got his haircut on Saturday and when he puts on his little shorts and t-shirt for the new day, he is this little dude wondering around our house. It is bittersweet.

My little Bug as become this person that thinks on his own (ooh - he certainly has a stubborn streak ... I am not quite sure where he got that from *wink, wink*) and comes up with some great one-liners.

Yesterday he told me, "Mommy, I guess I kind of like girls a little bit. But I always like you a lot. I just still don't like pink."

Goofball.

Now if we could just get Little j - my screamer - to talk!

Lather, rinse, repeat ....

I am working. What else do I do? I am working and I hate it.

I know. I sound like a broken record. Most people would probably say to get off my ass and DO something if I hate my job so much.

I DO do something. I look for new positions every day. I am wracking my brain as to what I could do on my own I am not about to jump from a job where I at least have some leverage as to things (loads of vacation days, 401k, etc)to something that is just as miserable but with even less benefits!

I wish I had guts. You know, guts to say, I quit and I am branching out and doing something on my own. I enjoy a lot of things, and do a lot of things well, but are any of them able to sustain a recession and bring in a salary?

Where are those work from home jobs that I know SO many people have? Why am I the one that can never find that "perfect" job?

Blah, blah, blah. The way I feel about this job is like this: when you get in the shower you have a routine, it is a mind-numbing routine: turn on water, wash hair, condition hair, soap up, shave, rinse, get out. Every day with this job I get in the car, drive to a stupid entity, get bithed at by clients, drive home, hear from boss about why I suck, and then I call it a day. Fun, huh?

I have researched different options for a DIY job. I am currently searching for ANY company that would allow telecommuting ... I could take a pay cut - I would save tremendous money without this job .... I only get reimbursed for any miles I drive OVER 50 (I average 75 per day), any money I spend for a client is out of my owon pocket. My cell phone is only reimbursed UP to $50 (they like the number 50, huh?) .... the kids wouldn't have to go to day care as often, my wardrobe would be cut down, no more train passes and parking fees .....

Maybe a miracle will happen soon .... maybe by some freak chance I will run into some person and start up a conversation and find out "WOW" that is IT!!!!!!!

Until then, my routine remains the same ... so the bitching will continue!

Blasts from the past

So, last night I dreamt about my high school sweetheart. It is the umpteenth time I have had a dream about him in who knows HOW long.

It was real ... one of those dreams where you wake up and you expect to talk with that person immediately. So weird. But ... WHY? Why these constant dreams? What does it all represent?

E and I have been getting along well ... so I am not having romantic fantasies about running into my first love and suddenly being swept away.

I must say, it is driving me NUTS. What drives me the MOST nuts is that I cannot find him. In this era of Facebook, I have found 100's of old friends, aquaintances, classmates, cousins .... but ONE person that I have been dying to find out about, as the years have passed by, well, he is no where to be found. I have Googled him, searched for him, asked his old buddies .... he has fallen off the face of the earth!!!1 ARGH!

I dated B when I was 16. I fell head over heels in love. He was the sweetest and most romantic boy I ever knew. He would write me love notes, bring flowers to me at my job, and always made me feel like the most beautiful thing on the Earth. He went to the local public school and I went to the private school. He was a Senior, I was a Junior.

When I was 17 and we were preparing for him to graduate, I remember being so close to him that we were like one person. We fell asleep on the phone every night, we knew everything about each other.

He was my first. It was romantic and beautiful and everything a naive 17 year old would have dreamed of (obviously, looking back, things aren't as "romantic" but for me, at the time, it really was). He had chosen to leave that fall and go away to college. My heart was broken, but he promised that we would be OK.

He broke up with me, over the phone, a month after he left for school (because of some rumors that was told to him by one of my best friends at the time .... another story for another post). I was devastated.

Actually, devastated doesn't even come close to how I felt back then. I was a wreck. Cried myself to sleep every night. Threw up before going school every morning. Walked around like the world has stopped for weeks. It took about 2 months to feel human again ... and that was only after he treated me like shit (looking back, probably to just get me to get over it!)a few times.

We talked once, before I graduated. He explained what had happened. Why he did what he did. I remember feeling better, sad still, but better. Like a gap finally got filled in.

I moved away after I graduated high school, so I never ran into him any more. We talked on the phone once or twice, but I haven't heard from him since.

Oh well, maybe some day I will find his name somewhere ... or someone will have some info. In the meantime, I will just continue to wonder whatever happened to someone who played such a significant role in my life.

On a side note ... I weighed myself this past Saturday ... lost ANOTHER 5 pounds :) I have one more week on the medication and then it is ALL me ... I am a bit worried, but I know I can do it!