10 Things That Make Me Happy

My cousin's wife, Libby (http://thespringersdailygrind.blogspot.com/) "tagged" me in her blog, so, what the heck, I will use it as today's inspiration!

...10 Things that Make me Happy.

While I am sure some people will get all deep and poignant ... I am going to list those, as well as a few of the little things that get me through the days sometimes!

1. My little guys. They are insane. They are nuts. They make me want to run out of the house screaming, "HELP ME!" But, they are boys given to me by the good Lord in Heaven and I love them with every ounce of me.

2. My family. Even though my parents have been going through some emotional changes lately, we still get along great. I could not ask for a better mom or dad. My sisters are my friends for life and that, no matter what argument we might have, will never change.

3. My husband. He drives me insane. We have had our ups and downs. But in the end, he is another gift given to me and I cherish him.

4. My TV shows. House, 24, The Forgotten (my new favorite from this year) and My Boys. I cannot miss them and I am sad when each episode is done. Like they say, it is the little things.

5. Spin. I love, love, love, my Spin class. I hate getting UP for the class, but when I am there (and my fave instructor is teaching) I love the exhilarating feeling I get. I could cycle for hours ... sometimes. :)

6. Diet Dr Pepper. I have stated this before, I know. And yes, I know the NutraSweet sucks. But, seriously, I look forward to having a cold can of pop. It makes me feel happy. Period. Cancer be damned. LOL!

7. Summer. Do I have to say anything more??????

8. Reading. Magazines, chic lit, biographies. I love reading and wish I could do more of it; with 2 kids and a full time job, it only happens every once in a while.

9. Loud music. People are sometimes shocked to hear the things that I listen to. Sometimes, it is: the louder, the better. For some odd reason, sometimes, it calms me down. It is the only music that I can listen to when I work out - dance music and hip hop just make me want to bounce. Loud music wants me to rip the gym apart and then piece it back together again. (and, oh yea, is it bad that Big J loves loud music too?!?!?!)

10. God. Without Him it all is meaningless.

OK ... I guess I can tag a couple ....

http://www.misguidedmommy.com/

http://interrupteddaydream.blogspot.com/

Way to go CBS!

I just read an article on MSN about women's groups protesting the airing of this commercial during the Superbowl:

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/Womens-groups-urge-CBS-to-drop-Tebow-Super-Bowl-ad-012510?GT1=39002

Are you effing kidding me?

As a conservative (except for my filthy mouth), pro-life, pro-family person, I am appalled that I have to watch every pro-choice commercial, emergency "contraception" ads, and liberal propaganda, but at the first chance these these people get, they cry foul.

They say they want freedom for all of this crap ... then give me the same freedom to hear my messages .... get over yourselves. If you want to protest, then protest. Good for you. You just bring more attention to the message.

I support anti-abortion rallies. I support the graphic pictures on the billboards, it can be any worse than an episode of Nip/Tuck. .... I do not support you censoring my beliefs.

Way to go Tim Tebow and Mom ... way to go CBS. You should be proud.

Did you just roll out of bed???

Had to get to a police station, for work, this AM by 6:00.

After hitting my snooze for a few times, I realized I had to jump out of bed, splash water on my face and get moving.

I got to the station by 6:30.

Noticed that I forgot to put mascara and lipstick on. I look like death. I feel greasy from no shower ..... time to go home and go back to bed!

Ever have one of those mornings?

Lullaby and Goodnight

What is a girl to do?

My 4 year old has decided that going to bed is no longer easy for him. He is no longer tired. He no longer needs more than 8 hours of sleep. Ugh.

E hasn't been helping at all for the past few months. While he was overseas and at Ft Bragg, Big J was a prince when it came to going to bed. We had this great routine. Teeth, potty, book, nightlight, sound machine, prayers and then "goodnight." If he couldn't sleep, he was allowed to go read a book near his nightlight, but no getting out of bed and wandering around to find Mommy or tell her "just one more thing."

Well, E has decided that laying with Big J is a good thing. the issue? E doesn't just lay there. He sleeps. There are some nights that I will go to check on him and Big J will be awake while Daddy is sleeping. WTF?

Big J is a great negotiator. he loves to see if Daddy can "stay with him," or read "one more book."
I have talked with E about this situation ... I know Big J won't be 4 too much longer and some day he won't want us to stay. But if we ever want sanity around here, or time to get chores done or, gasp, "Mommy/Daddy time," our children to need to go to bed at decent hours.

So, last night, little j went down at 7:30. Fine. Big J was in bed at 8:00. He came down at 8:30 while we were watching our DVR'ed episode of 24. We told him to go up. He peed at 9:00. We heard him walking around at 9:30. When we were going to bed at 10:00 he was still wide awake. Ugh.

So ... starting today. No caffeine after 4:00. None. i don't care who is drinking pop he wants to try. I don't care how much chocolate is on display for dessert. No caffeine for you! Also, on weekends, especially Sunday when we know we have to get up for work/school the next day, no nap.

Wish me luck on this one. I need some ALONE time. I need some "I get to watch whatever I want on my TV" time. My children need to sleep better and become the good kids I know, not the cranky ones that have been around lately!

Please keep your hands inside the ride ...

My life is a roller coaster. This statement, I know, is nothing that should surprise me, or anyone else for that matter. I have highs and lows, good days and bad. Some days I want to get off quicker than imaginable; and some days, I hope the ride slows to a halt so that I can enjoy it just a bit longer.

Having my baby sister in town this past weekend was awesome, yet, at the same time, it sucked.

Why was it awesome? We chat, eat, shop, laugh til we pee .... we play Wii Fit until 2:00 am. She loves my boys and wants them to grow up right. She gives me a break. She understands why I have cut "friends" out of my life, why I hate my job and why I talk like I have ingested 6 or 7 espressos.

Why did it suck? My husband cannot seem to grasp how to be a social creature, especially with family. My sister likes to voice her opinions, no matter what the repercussions. My sister and my husband fight like cats and dogs. My sister and my husband make me cry (note: apologies always come later and the fights always get resolved). My sister had to go home.

So, I am getting back on my aforementioned roller coaster of a life .... it is a Tuesday in the office, and quite frankly, we could zoom ahead on this ride any time.

My therapy

A few posts back I mentioned that I have been undergoing physical therapy ... My second session was this past Friday and to be completely honest, it is like going to "psycho-therapy," and here is why ....

**** some of this may be TMI for some folks ... but if I can help one person .... well ... then, so be it ****

I delivered little j on March 14, 2008 by a scheduled C-section. I had no complications during birth, nothing that my doctor declared out of the ordinary at all. In fact, everything I felt was the exact same feelings I had when I gave birth to Big J.

While I was in the hospital recovering, every time a nurse came into check on me, they would declare, "Oh my, you are really bruised!" They would then proceed to push on my stomach and send me into the land that makes you want to scream, "give me drugs NOW!"

I wasn't able to see the bruising, since hospital mirrors are conveniently placed to only show you from the chest and up. Upon my return home I was able to finally see myself in the mirror and I was absolutely horrified. My stomach and pelvic area looked as if I had taken my car and run it head-on into a brick wall. I was completely black, blue and yellow. My parents, who were staying with me, saw it and were just as horrified. Obviously the bruising didn't help in my recovery, but I used ice packs and "did my time."

When I returned to the doctor 6 weeks later she didn't understand why I would have bruised but said that everything seemed fine and I was healing normally.

Life returned to "normal." I went back to work, E was still away on deployment and I soon started working out. I remember feeling like my abs just didn't feel "quite right," but, I had just had major surgery and knew that it could take a long time for things to get better.

E returned in March of 2009; one year after little j was born. It was hard getting back into a routine with him at home, relationship-wise. But we tried. One thing I did quickly notice was that sex was no longer fun for me. Actually, sex had become downright painful.

I attributed a lot of this pain to stress, and not having had sex in roughly 14 months! So, I prodded on. 95% of the time, I would "walk away" from sex with infections, bleeding and pain - horrible, excruciating pain. For lack of any better description, I walked away feeling like I had intercourse with pieces of broken glass. There were times even using a tampon caused me grief.

I went to the doctor. They found nothing wrong. Hormone levels were fine. They treated me for yet, another, yeast infection (oral antibiotics this time) and I was sent home.

The pain and infections continued. I was stupefied. E was frustrated. Our relationship was suffering more than it already had been.

I started doing research on the Internet. The only problem with researching sexual/intimate problems is that you can come up with some awful search results! I finally came to an awesome website www.yeastinfectionadvisor.com . I thought maybe I had made a breakthrough.

Basically, from what I read, a "typical" yeast infection that we have all heard about is really just a symptom of a bigger problem inside our bodies. Yeast can be destroying our entire immune system if we don't get it under control. So, I spent a few hundred $$, ordered some good probiotics, herbal treatments, vitamins, etc and really believed in my heart of hearts I was finally going to fix my problems.

I followed all the directions, and since I was away for Christmas, I didn't have to worry about being around E either. After 3 weeks of treatment ... it came time to have sex. The broken glass feeling was gone, no more infection ... but the pain? The pain was still there. Once again, for lack of a better description, it was as if I had shrunk 10 times!

While I was happy that it appeared I solved the infection end of it, I was still baffled by the pain. So, I set up another appointment with my gyno.

I went to my doctor and this time, E came with me. We talked first, about my issues, feelings, etc. I told her about my natural health treatments. E told her about my complaints. She examined me and said that everything looked healthy. She said that she thought she knew what was going on.

She diagnosed me with dyspareunia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyspareunia and vaginismus http://www.vaginismus.com/

While I had no clue what it was .... I was happy to finally get an answer and know that I could maybe start working my way to a solution. She told me that the first line of treatment was physical therapy (AYFKM????) and if that doesn't work ... there is surgery.

Bring on the physical therapy!

I did ask her how I may have "contracted" this - she said it could be from any number of reasons ... childbirth (even C-sections), stress, or constant yeast infections.

My first PT appointment was right before Christmas. I was a bit hesitant about the entire process,but, if I was going to get relief, I was on board! The therapist asked me a lot of questions, I gave a huge history and then she showed me a bit of the techniques I would be going through. None of it was as invasive as I thought. She noticed that all of my tension was held on the left side of my body and said that I am not the worst case she has ever seen. She gave me "homework" and sent me on my way.

My second appointment was this past Friday and this was by far, one of the most eye opening doctor visits I have had in a while. Since all of the PT appointments are scheduled for one hour, we have time to chat while we are going through the therapy. Part of my therapy is her massaging my C-section scar and the ab muscles around the area.

As she was massaging the right side of my body I was doing fine. When she moved to the left side, I experienced pain. Pain like I felt immediately after giving birth. The same pain that I felt every time one of the nurses came in to "check" on me during recovery.

We started talking about the bruising that I had experienced. While I was laying back, I remembered a moment, right after the delivery that I told her about.

Right after delivery, as I was sitting in recovery, a nurse brought little j into the room and asked if I wanted to give him his first feeding. I said of course (of course)! The nurse then went to raise my bed a bit so I could hold the baby. Rather than raising the bed, the nurse hit a button and my bed crashed down to the flat position with a jolt. Because I was still under the heavy influence of drugs, I felt nothing. She asked if I was OK, E (who was in the room) asked if I was OK ... and yes, at that point, I was OK. Guess I wasn't "OK."

My therapist said that I probably experienced major trauma to my ab muscles, possibly tearing them, and never realized it. She said that I was lucky that I didn't have even further internal damage. She believes that I could have had a muscle tear - it healed on its own and massive amounts of scar tissue formed, causing all of the muscles to tighten over time. She said that everything "down there" is connected.

She explained it to me like this. Make a fist. Now release, completely. That is how we should operate. Now make a fist. Just release a tiny bit. That is how my muscles operate.

I finished my therapy and went home with more homework. All weekend long I felt like I was kicked in the stomach. I am obviously going to have to go through a lot of treatment to get this fixed. Hopefully, this therapy can fix it. I wonder ... would I need an MRI to check out my muscles, see if there are any major rips or tears that need surgery? Can simple massaging and PT fix a problem that happened 2 years ago?

Now, I realize that I have been in pain for a while. My abs have always been tender since delivery. More so than with Big J. I can not tighten my belly to save my life. I just thought it was due to a 2nd surgery or what have you. I have been working out like a fiend for months and my abs will NOT get tighter or flatter. I can hardly do a plank (a move I used to be able to do with ease).

I am being optimistic. I am hoping this therapy will finally send me to a good place. That sex will no longer feel like hell. That maybe I can finally start a good relationship with my husband again. That maybe I can finally use a tampon again without struggle. Maybe I will finally be able to get my body into pre-baby shape again.

Ladies, don't ignore your body. You are not crazy. Pain isn't in your head. Don't feel embarrassed to talk to your friends, family members, doctors. This all may be a lot of personal info to give out ... but I can tell you, I thought I was alone on this one. Glad I found out I am not!

Another weekend come and gone

It is Monday - again. Am I a broken record with that question? I could just report evey Monday post and it would say the same thing: "Weekend went by too quickly. Is it Monday already? Blah, blah, blah."

The weekend did go by too quickly and .... is it really Monday already?

Thursday I took Big J sledding after our 9 inches of snow ... he had an absolute blast (yes, I had to cut out early and play hookie from work for that one). He loved it. It was fun to get out there and giggle with him.

Went to pizza Friday night, Italian Saturday night (sorry ... I work fulltime and cook all week? Fridays and Saturdays are my nights off).

We took the boys to the library on Sunday ... it was cold out and this was free! They have 17 new books to choose from for the next few weks. It was fun to watch Big J realize that whatever he picked out, I said, "Sure!" to his question of taking it home.

Other than that ... I feel like all I did was LAUNDRY all freaking wekeend. I swear ... how do large families do it? I switched loads and folded all weekend long. I seriously think the washer was on more than our lights were on!!!!

Oh well, now on to working ... and getting ready for my sister to visit on Friday! Woo Hoo!!!!

Weather Watch .... ugh

Sitting here trying to figure out my day tomorrow ... supposed to be at a client by 6:00am. We are supposed to get socked with a Winter storm. Up to a foot of snow.

Oh dear God ... Christmas is over ... in my mind, Winter should be over as well!

2009 recap ... 2010 preview

Seriously, where does the time fly to? Is there a place in the great big blue sky of ours that sucks up your vacations and weekends and spits our weekdays back out at us? Last time I blinked it was Thanksgiving. Now, it is January 5 and I have no clue how I ended up here and where the month of December has gone!

Christmas was a beautiful holiday - it always is, no matter where we are or who we are with.

The few days prior to Christmas I spent time getting things done. I worked that Monday - E had to go to attend a funeral of his Uncle - so I had the boys in school. I kept them in school that Tuesday as well, and I took a day for myself. I spent most of the morning at physical therapy (will explain that in a later post), ran to Target, DSW (got a cute pair of black boots), and met a girlfriend for lunch, that included a nice glass of wine. I was planning on getting all of my wrapping finished that afternoon, but the snow needed to be shoveled and E was still gone.

Damn snow.

The boys and I spent our first day of vacation at home. We chilled on the couch,baked and decorated Christmas cookies, wrapped Christmas presents and then spent the evening (and into the night) at my Uncle's house (lots of wine ... and some Prohibition era Whiskey was ingested by yours truly!). I am always so glad to have he and his wife so close to me ... it gives me a flavor of being with my Dad, without being with my Dad.

Christmas Eve was a short day - we went to 3:00 Children's Mass. It was nice - not powerful Midnight Mass nice .... but when they had Santa come down the aisle and silently lay presents in front of the manger I shed a few tears!

That night, E, the boys and I enjoyed a quiet evening at home. We watched some Christmas movies, I made some roasted turkey and potato soup, a few martinis for myself ... it was enjoyable. I did miss my family ... but I always do, so I didn't let it stop my nice time. I stayed up late, drank some more adult beverages and wrapped all of Santa's toys.

Our tree looked like it exploded at that point.

Christmas morning was awesome. Actually, that was the word of the day, "awesome." Everything that Big J opened was "awesome" and "just what I asked Santa for!" ... it was too cool. Little j just wanted to play with stuff ... thankfully, since Big J had just a few more gifts to open than he did!

After all was said and done our living room looked like a Toys R Us and puked all over the floor! No one was let down this Christmas.

Oh yea - I got my Wii fit! I haven't had a chance to use it yet ... but it is on my radar!

E's parents and sister came up for dinner that afternoon. We exchanged more presents and enjoyed the evening.

That Saturday I took Big J to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert. Hands down - best concert I have ever attended. He loved it (slept through about an hour of it - but loved it just the same). Before the concert we went out to lunch at Harry Carrey's ... he got a cheeseburger bigger than his head ... it was sweet to be out with my big dude, just he and I.

We got to talk to Grandma and Grandpa and Aunties from Florida that night via webcam for Christmas. Big J showed off all of his new toys and little j kept looking behind the laptop to see how everyone got there! It was priceless!

The next day was "let's get organized day." All new toys were added to toy bins or new bins were created. Some old toys were added to the donation pile as well. I couldn't take the chaos any longer ... I needed to see my floor once again!

The next few days were spent hanging out, going to kids' play places, breakfasts, lunches, dinners .... while it is stressful to be a stay-at-home-Mommy ... I loved it. I loved devoting my time and energy to my little guys.

I did have the opportunity to escape one evening to meet up with a "friend" from high school. I use the term "friend" loosely to describe N. I don't really think I ever even spoke to her in high school. As a matter of fact, I would be hard pressed to figure out if we even shared a class! Well, through this Facebook thing, we have been chatting back and forth and decided that it was time to chat over adult libations.

She was visiting her folks and we met one evening for a couple beers. It was a BLAST. I wish she lived closer to me so we could do this as a regular thing ... but I have a feeling we will be meeting up quite a bit in the future, even in spite of our distance.

It often makes me wonder. Why wasn't I friends with her in high school? Did we have this much in common and not realize it? Or, did we grow and mature and become who we are now over time? It certainly makes for good conversation.

Anyway .... New Years crept up on us. We took the boys over to friends' house. They played in their basement with their kids while the "big people" sat upstairs and chatted and drank. We celebrated a "midnight" around 10:00 for the kids and then headed home. Big J stayed up with E and I until the "ball dropped" ... I crashed after ... he and Daddy stayed up until 1:00?!?!?!??!

How does a 4 year old do that??

The rest of our vacation was nice. I spent a lot of quality time with Big J and little j and going back to work sucked. But, I did it and I am looking forward to my next time off with the boys.

So ... as I reflect on the past year ... there were highlights and low lights:

• E finally made it home last March.
• Little j is walking, talking and terrorizing his Mommy ;)
• Big J has become a little boy, full of attitude and passion.
• I lost 30 pounds (woohoo!); only 30 more to go!
• I read books throughout the year - like I wanted to.
• I named my business, started my website and got a plan in place.
• I created deeper bonds with some, broke some with others and continue to learn about myself through them all.

Things I want to accomplish this year (call them resolutions if you will):

• Lose 30 more pounds.
• Get my pictures either in scrapbooks or in plain old photo albums ... just as long as they are displayed somehow.
• Clean up my potty mouth. I talk like a trucker. Not good.
• Deepen friendships; make more time for them.
• Deepen the relationship with my husband. Sometimes I feel more like his roommate than his wife - I want more than that.
• Enjoy the time with my children more ... work is not that important. They are.
• Pray a rosary at least once a week.
• Strengthen the relationship with my parents ... seems that they are a bit guarded lately and I don't like it.
• Visit my grandmothers more often ... who knows how much longer they will be around.
• Curb the complaints ... life aint that bad.
• Get my company up and running ... get a few steady clients.

There you have it .... let's see if I can stick to it!