I've always been one to use the phrase, 'God will show us why someday.' Why we hurt, fall, fail, succeed..... God always answers us, sometimes, just not right when we want the answer.
I've talked about high school and my horrible breakup. Trying to remember the pain has been hard, as, it's been 26 years. God helps us forget how pain feels, I know, otherwise, why would anyone ever have a second child? Ha!
Recently, I had the opportunity to finally find that high school sweetheart, after searching for all of those 26 years. My life got flipped around and suddenly I've come to find myself remembering all that I went through, the thrills an excitement, the love and tenderness, but also the hurt and pain and abandonment.
I found B a mess. Not what I thought I would find at all. A lonely alcoholic, older than he should be, hiding from life in a hotel room and drinking the days away.
We talked, a lot. Spent some time catching up, a lot of time listening to him struggle.
When we first reconnected we did have a phone call, I *thought* I got some closure from it. We talked about why he broke up with me, how it hurt me..... but as I look back on that conversation, I realize that he was progressively getting drinker on the phone and I doubt he remembers any of it. At the time though, I felt like I got some closure and affirmation that I had been waiting for all those years.
B decided to FINALLY start attending AA on Thanksgiving. He was a new person while attending meetings. He was thoughtful and considerate, becoming a friend, rather than a victim. I could see glimpses of the B I knew in high school.
Well, last week, he messed up. Ok, I thought, go back To a meeting, get back on the horse, ride the bike again, whatever! He said he would, and then he would and then after promising left and right, he lied and kept drinking.
And this, this is where I realize I may not be cut out for all of this. This is where I realize my pity for him has gone cold and maybe, no, not maybe, yes, all the anger inside that I had for him 26 years ago has once and for all surfaced and I have to find some way of getting it out.
If he were in front of me, well, so sorry he is this poor mess of a human being, here is what I have been wanting to say to him, now..... and then:
First, it bothers me that while the rest of us have to get up every day and work at life, you get to wallow and drink your days away. Shoot, what an easy choice. While you constantly say how hard it is, I feel it is the easy, the lazy way out. Getting sober would take WORK, it would take persistence, it would be daily, hourly, choices that sometimes would be hard. But hell, in this day and age there is help all over the fucking place. There are virtual therapists, virtual meetings, online masses and church services, public health facilities in every damned corner. Meetings scheduled more times each day then I probably pee. You are 43 years old.... grow. The. Fuck. Up.
Second, everything is consistently and always about you. Always. I have three children and a husband. I'm so sorry my troubles don't seem as valiant or monstrous as your but shoot, I don't want yours. You made choices, as did I..... don't hold your struggles through life like gold stars every time you feel bad. If I am going to spend time on you to hell if I am going To listen to another story about some asshole you hung out with 15 years ago screwed you. You chose to do this! This leads me to my next beef.....
You have made your choices..... 25 years ago you picked up a pay phone and told me you needed 'space' at school. I spent over a year of my life truly loving the shit out of you. I know it was love, because, for 25 years I prayed for you. I prayed you were healthy and happy and that life took care of you. I knew it was real love because, when you LITERALLY showed up at my doorstep, I was right there, ready to listen, open my heart, my home and my family to you. But, that love wasn't as important as your partying college ways. See, I excused your selfishness away back then. While most girls got mad at a boyfriend, cut up flowers and pictures and cursed their name, me? Ha, I missed you, I still cherished everything you gave me. Any song on the radio that made me think of you literally hurt my heart. Hurt. My. Heart. Every morning, for three months, I woke up, realized I was a mess, puked my guts out, cried and then tried to get myself to school and act 'normal'. And, all the while, you never called, never wrote a letter. I. Was. Forgotten.
Now, now that I know your reason for dumping me wasn't *just* to experience college, but to become a drunk? I'm mad. I'm mad that I never took some of your shit and tore it up. I'm mad that the absolute pure love and friendship I gave you wasn't enough for you. A bottle, a shot, a party, another asshole drunk trumped my love and friendship. And *that* was YOUR fucking choice.
When you lied to me the other day about the promises you made and how you were going back to meetings, blah, blah, blah.... well, here we go again, right? The bottle beats me every fucking time.
I am so tired of you letting me know that my heart is only worth it when you *feel* like it. I'm sick of you getting to be a selfish asshole and throwing away my love and friendship.
Life is hard you say? Life hurts you say? Fuck you dude. When you give ALL of you to someone, when you worry at night about a person, when you cry for a person you haven't seen in 25 years and the pain you feel for them is still as powerful as the day you fell in love..... when you feel all that and then have the other person say 'fuck you' then, well, then you can tell me life hurts and life is hard.
I spent a lifetime with mementos from you.... still packed away, still looked upon with love and held on with such regard. Every note you wrote, every card, every gift, every picture...... for the first time, I finally feel like tearing them up..... I finally feel like an angry girlfriend.
Fuck you for dumping me a week before my senior homecoming, so, as all of my friends were headed off to the formal, I was at home sobbing and throwing up.
Fuck you for never calling and checking in with me afterwards. I guess the word 'love' means a hell of a lot less to you than it does me.
Fuck you for when you did come back into town and you came over you acted as if you didn't even know me. You didn't want to hear about my life or anything.
Fuck you for when you were back in town and we did go to hang with friends, you didn't say a word to me (except when I picked your ass up and drove you home) because you spent the entire night in my girlfriends basement drinking beer with the other assholes.
Fuck you that when I told you on Christmas break that I had gifts for you, you said you didn't have time to see me .... for the entire month you were home.
Fuck you for when I called you at the end of that break crying because I found out we were moving away and I was devastated, you said you were busy and I would be fine.
Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU.
Fuck you for in one of the rare conversations we had you let me know that most of the gifts you bought for me were with money you stole from your jobs because you didn't want to spend *your* money on me. Fuck you.
Fuck you when I tried to say goodbye to you before the moving van was pulling away you were more interested in what you buddy was saying than any goodbye you could have given me. Your hug was half assed and sad.
Fuck you for all the years you ignored my existence. For all those years I wondered about you, thought about you and my name never crossed your mind.
Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU.
And here we are now..... me giving you my friendship AGAIN and you not giving a flying fuck.
Fuck you for lying to me. Fuck you for once again, picking a bottle over me. Fuck you.
Fuck you for taking ALL of the resources you have been given and throwing them out the window.... I opened my home, my family, my sisters have been praying for you, listening to me talk about you. I introduced my friend to you, and you couldn't even reach out, except when you were stone cold drunk and you went on a freaking rant. Fuck you.
Fuck you for taking the lazy way out. Fuck you for disappearing rather than owning up to your shit. Fuck you.
Fuck you for always saying how much you appreciate that I found you, then go and fuck up your life.
Fuck you for assuming *I* will always be around, but when you wanna go on one of your drinking benders, so disappear (and love to threaten that shit all. The. Fucking. Time).
Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU!
Fuck you, B, for squandering your life and making me watch.
Fuck you for taking our friendship and turning it into a circus.
Fuck you.
