Transitions

So, hubby may have a 2nd chance at getting approved for the home based care. If that happens he could be home on a month or so. While this is good news, I cannot help but get a bit of anxiety creeping into the pits of my stomach.

He has been gone for over a year now. Life has been all about me and the boys. That is it. I control the remote, the temperature, the bed, food … all of it. I have had to share with no one. And, quite frankly, neither has he. For one year of our lives we have been “single” again.

The boys have answered only to me … or on the occasion … Grandma or Grandpa. They have been yelled at, scolded, bandaged, comforted by ME. Little j knows no one else.

I am anxious for the transition period that I am well aware of, but afraid of, none the less.

One would be kidding if they thought our marriage was a great one. It has been rocky, and that, at times, is even an understatement. Numerous counseling sessions, books and websites have shown that if he was going to leave, he would have left a long time ago. His insecurities and fears are what drive him in life. I am in hope that this separation and distance has made him realize what he HAS and what he could be WITHOUT. I am scared that the rockiness will return, and get worse, with all the transitioning that we will be doing.

For the first REAL time in our marriage, I am NOT fearful of living my life without him. All those days that he threatened to leave or end our marriage, I not only fought to stay because I LOVED him, but also, because I was scared to death to do it all on my own. Now, I am not. I KNOW I can do whatever I need to do – I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Even on days where my insecurities and crap ass self esteem get the best of me, in the end, I know I can survive.

What does this all mean for US? Hopefully, it means that our marriage will get stronger. We have grown a LOT this pat year. I know that I cannot be afraid to tell Eric exactly what I think and feel. The crap that he goes through will have to be done on his own now … for I am past it. He needs to put grudges aside … become nicer to people, love his family (including his in-laws, which he seems to have issue with) and learn that life will pass him by.

I hope for the boys’ sakes, and for mine, that the transition won’t be TOO horrible. That we both can see each others’ strengths and weaknesses as blessings to each other … and that our lives can start back up again.

Loyal no More (was I ever?)

I have to go to my National Meeting in two weeks. This year it is in Jacksonville. I will be heading to Tampa the weekend before, visiting with my family and then leaving the boys with my Mom and Dad while I am away.
The closer I get to the meeting, the more irritated I get with the situation ... actually, the more angry I get about it.
We found out about E leaving last year on January 8. I was supposed to go to our National Meeting in New Orleans from Jan 14 - 18. E was LEAVING on January 20. Long story short, I had to get out of this meeting. It took an act of GOD for my boss to finally say I didn't have to attend. (When I had originally asked him, his response was, "Well, the Pres of Sales really needs you there, it is very important." Whatever asshole).
So, onto this year. I find out that if you want to go casual all week at the meeting, you bring a check to donate to the charity of their choice. They picked the USO, specifically families of deployed Navy soldiers.
Can we say hypocrites????? Since last January I haven't gotten a phone call, email, note, telegram ... NOTHING ... from ANYONE in management about my situation. I have had a baby, holidays have come and gone, and no one has thought about "the family left behind."
My boss, the dick head, hasn't asked about E in months. HE has NO clue that he is back in the States ... because I refuse to bring it up. Until they ask, I will let them assume what ever they want.
Think I have loyalty to this company? This management team? These co-workers? Yeah ... um ... the big fat answer would be HELL NO. I am so mad, I could spit. I hate my job. I hate my boss. I hate Nationwide. I think they all are a bunch of assholes. They prove, every day, that the PERSON doesn't matter, it is what you can do for them that matters.

I am so done. I do not care any more. Fire me - I will collect unemployment and save money by not sending my boys to day care FIVE days a week (when I am technically "working from home" according to my pay grade). But, I will not quit (unless, obviously I find something else .. I would rather torture the shit out of em all).

By the way ... I have been doing REALLY well on my New Years Resolution of cleaning up my potty mouth .... except for when the topics of Obama or my boss come up!

I've got the Itch ...

I think I need a shopping day ... Don't know quite what I need, or want, but I have that "get me out and get me something new" itch. Maybe it is because we sit inside on yet another cold day and it is starting to get redundant!!!!

Things I would like to go buy:

* A new bedroom set. As I was taking our old duvet off it ripped straight across ... time for a new one!

* Wii. I want to buy into the hype. I want Wii Fit too.

* Guitar Hero and Rock Band. Played it on NYE ... it was TOO fun!

* Makeup. I think it is time for an overall. This happens every year at this time. Maybe it is because I haven't seen sunlight for 2 months and my skin is the color of the snow on the ground!

* Clothes. These won't be bought though, not for another 10 pounds or so!

* Manicure/pedicure. Would a service count as a shopping spree???? My hands are so dry they get caught on my clothes ... they need serious help!

* Fresh flowers. Maybe they would brighten the house up a bit!

* Furniture. Kitchen table, Dining room table, couch, bookcase, comfy chair ..... I could keep going but you might get bored!

I will stop for now ... this could get dangerous!

Thursday Thirteen

13 Reasons why I am GLAD that I am not pregnant right now

1. I still have 45 more pounds to lose to be healthy again.

2. I haven't even remotely forgotten about the aches and pains associated with being preggo, until I do, it is WAY to soon.

3. Little j would only be 18 months old and I would have an infant. Are you nuts???

4. E is STILL not home.

5. Work doesn't even know that E is back in the States (until they ask about him, I won't tell. Sick isn't it? That is another post for another day). Can you imagine me trying to explain my "miraculous" pregnancy?????

6. I need to be me for a while. I love my boys, and I wouldn't mind another child some day, but I need to have some independence for a while.

7. Little j JUST started sleeping through the night. I need a good year of sleep before I disrupt it again!

8. Drinking .... not ready to stop yet. It is my only solace some nights.I know, selfish, but true.

9. E will NOT escape another pregnancy. Not fair. He left and I was preggo and he would come back with me preggo? Hell no.

10. They tell you to allow your body 12 months of recovery after a C-Section .... I think I need a bit more time.

11. Can you imagine the cost of day care for THREE kids? Holy crap!

12. I am still an emotional wreck from the last pregnancy. I don't think any of my hormones are in balance yet, I am a nut case. And I want to add to that?

13. I just want more time. period.

Phew

Hello period .... Thank you God.

I was SO not ready to have a 3rd .. not in the LEAST bit.

Bring on the cramps this month .....

Phew.

Whose skin did I wake up in?

OK - so, Number 1, yesterday sucked.

The overblown media hype about our new President was WAY over the top. But that, in itself, is not what made me so irritated today. The disrespect that we, Americans, showed for President Bush was disgusting.

in·sult
archaic : to behave with pride or arrogance : vaunt
: to treat with insolence, indignity, or contempt : affront ; also : to affect offensively or damagingly

What people did to President Bush was nothing short of insulting.

http://briefingroom.thehill.com/2009/01/20/bush-mocked-as-he-arrives-on-inauguration-dais/
http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/jan/21/curl-obama-repudiates-bush-era-in-address/

I hope people stop and think about these actions when they hear statements about Bush "shaming" America. Bush didn't shame America, we, the people of America, shamed America. I am embarrassed of my country right now.

Now, for Number 2 ... I totally got lambasted today at work. I walked into a firehouse I have been walking into for the past 9 years. While I understand everyones fear and anger about the economy, please, do NOT try and tell me that everything I know about my job is wrong. I don't tell you, Mr Firefighter, how to fight a fire. Therefore, don't tell me you know more than I do about MY job! It is NOT my fault your mutual fund went down 40%, as did mine!

Educate yourself people. Learn ... but don't blame me when you listen to your own "advice" and in 5 years you wonder what the hell has happened.

And now, Number 3 .... I had a "OMG" moment. I realized yesterday that I am 1 week late. Yes, late ... as in, "where the eff is my freaking period" late.

This could not be happening. I haven't seen Eric since Christmas, it wasn't that "don't touch me" time while he was there ..... but, anything can happen. So ... after getting chewed out at my final firehouse, I drive like a maniac to CVS to buy a test (and why IS it, that even though I am married with 2 children, I STILL feel embarrassed to buy a test?).

Scary ... I thought, how the hell can this be happening. My body is NOT ready. My emotions are NOT ready. My poor family is NOT ready. So ... I peed on the stick. I cried. I paced. I waited 2 minutes .... and .....

Negative.

Thank you Jesus.

Now ... I wait for my lovely period ... with PMS that is starting to seep out of my pores. Yippee do dah day.

Prove it.

OK Obama - prove it. As my boss yelled, as he gaily skipped down the all "I brought in Obama cookies, eat them. He is finally president, thank GOD." .... (dude, first of all gay-boy, I don't think you would know God if he smacked you across the face, second, I don't give a shit. Why is it OK for you to throw your anti-Bush shit at me, yet, if I were to say one effing word about ANYTHING I believe in, I would be trashed?????????)
So, yes, he is President. I will respect him for the Office that he holds. But, why, do I have to respect a man that doesn't show that he will uphold ANY of the beliefs that I hold dear to my heart. Why am I a bad person for actually thinking that Bush did a good job?
Can we stop the Bush-hating now? Was he perfect? No - not in any way. But, he kept me safe after 9/11 (which was NOT his fault ... thank you Bill Clinton for being too busy with your golf game to give the orders to capture Bin Laden). He lowered my taxes, so I was able to buy a home and gain a few steps in my $$ world. He helped in passing the ban on partial birth abortion, single handily - his most important accomplishment while in office. He helped make changes in pension reform - allowing us to defer more out of our checks, hopefully allowing most of us to STOP working some day. He helped create the Amber alert, and many other child protection acts.
Because MTV, Facebook and CNN proclaim Obama as Messiah should I have felt the Earth stop spinning when he was sworn in? Should I have expected the DOW to NOT have dropped 330 points today, because, "change is here?" Am I the only one that sees people worshiping this man as if he were Jesus Christ himself? Isn't that a major sin? Thou shalt not worship false gods?!??!?!?!?

Where do I start?
Where do I finish?

Prove it to me Mr. President. Prove to me that you are really "for the people" and not what I think you are going to be. Prove me wrong.

I don't think he can. I don't think he will.

God help us.

Boycott

Is it un-American of me to want to completely boycott this inauguartion tomorrow?

I am so sick of the Obama hype ... the mass inundation of Obama worship. He is not my Messiah ... he is a political figure .. the same as Clinton, Bush and those before them.

We are spending countless amounts of dollars on security to porotect people during concerts and parties in his honor. If we are in such an economic hard time ... why is it plausable that our new leader is spending over $150 million on a party?????????

I am SO disenchanted.

Saturday, Saturday ...........

I love the weekend. I love the fact that I don't have to worry about voice mail or email or the gay-boss. But, there is something that just honestly sucks about weekends.

Nothing to do. With E not home, and the weather - not so much fun, and 2 children .... well, weekends have just become days that I don't work. I feel bad. I feel like the kids are bored. I am bored. And there is only so many times I can torture my friends with our company at lunch or dinner.

Hurry home E.

Better yet ... hurry home warm weather!

But, don't get me wrong, thank GOD for the weekend despite it all!!!!!!

PMS + Winter = Holy Crap!

OK - So, I think I have found the explanation for my fatness. There is nothing else to do in the winter - especially our retarded winters - but eat. If you want to get together with a friend, what do you do? you EAT! There are no more walks around the block after dinner, running in the backyard after lunch ... all there is to do is sit ... and eat. Ugh ..... on top of all that, I have PMS ... the brain and the mouth and the tummy do NOT work in tandem during this time frame ... very dangerous!

On a real note ... going to the doctor tomorrow for blood tests, actually trying to find out why I cannot lose weight, even after I am keeping the lifestyle I am living. We shall see!

Groundhog Day

It seems that every day in this God-forsaken place we call "Chicago", it is a repeat of yesterday ... only worse. Last year's Winter just rolled right into this one.
If we aren't expecting 6" of snow, we are waiting for the "bitter cold."
Every forecast we are told, "this is the worst year yet."

Eff global warming and Eff Al Gore.

YES!!!!!

Sitting here - enjoying my all time favorite show - 24. Jack Bauer is awesome.

Now, as long as no one finds out that Big J has been with me the entire time since I didn't feel like fighting with him while the show was on.

Bad Mom.

Where has time gone?

I feel like life keeps moving and I just stand still watching it all happen around me ... trying to reach out at the precise moment that I could grasp on!
I am back from a glorious vacation in Florida and now I am on to starting the New Year off on the right foot - but it is hard, real hrad.
First things first - I am FAT. Real fat. No questions about it - I am FAT. My pants are tight, my boobs are huge, I look awful. I HAVE to lose weight. I don't care if I NEVER sleep at night, I MUST make time EVERY day to workout HARD. SO far I am doing OK. I started on Monday and will continue today (Tuesdays are a rarity since I don't even set foot into the door until 7:00). Here is a picture to prove how gross I look:



I even cropped it to NOT show most of the fatness .... ugh.

Next, work. I HAVE to get my numbers in this quarter. I don't care if it kills me ... I cannot be on the bottom ANYMORE. I hate this feeling. This is not me. I am better than all of this - and no one sees it. Not even me sometimes.

Next, the house. Chaos. Utter chaos. Time to clean and i mean CLEAN my surroundings. No more piles. No more crap .... I KNOW that if I just put things back when I use them, life would be so much more simple. FOLD the laundry when it is DONE ... not three days later! Put away the clothes when I am done folding them - not in a pile in the closet that I pick and choose from!

Think I can do it? I hope so!