Changes (from Sept 2011)

I have a new perspective in life these days ... and it took a person I hadn't seen in almost twenty years to help me with that.
So, about a month ago, a guy I had known since high school let me know he was coming into town for his reunion and that he wanted to get together and catch up with me and another one if our friends.
I planned on it, but thought for sure, it would go forgotten.
Last week, he sent a message and said to still plan on it. That is when I started to feel weird - a married Mommy going out with two guys? How bad would that look? Although E was totally fine with it (but kept reminding me to cover my drink cuz you never know what they may slip in it!), I felt weird. SO, I invited a girlfriend - besides, it would give me a chance to go out with her too!
So, flash back to Friday night. I picked my girlfriend up and then headed out to pick up K.
The three of us went to eat and the reminiscing started. I remembered so much. I had forgotten so much.
After we ate we went to a bar. Wait, this was not a bar, it was a club. Do you know the last time I was at a club? I walked right past the guy taking cover (Cover? Cover? WTF is cover?). I Was all out of whack.
We had a great time. I am talking, A.Great.Time. We talked, dance, reminisced ...
Through the night I became aware of just how much I cared about K when we hung out. We had a weird relationship - one that I cannot even define. We were friends, for years. We hung out on Friday and Saturday nights with a group of friends. He was always the nice one of the bunch - the one one that would listen or console, which is why I always valued him being around. Toward the end of high school, he enlisted in the Navy. I was graduating and moving to Florida. I was also getting over a horrible breakup and he was one of the only people around me that listened to me and helped. It was then that our relationship turned to a more "dating" type. Even then though, we weren't "dating." He was never my "boyfriend," but I always knew that I cared a lot about him.
I moved. He went away and we wrote letters. Lots of letters (wow - wonder how it would have been with email?!). After about two years, the letters suddenly stopped. K and I both tried to figure out why they stopped, but neither of us knew.
I think I realized how much I wished those letters would have continued throughout these last fifteen years. K always knew how to make me feel good. Good about me.
We flirted. A lot. He made me realize that I need to hear those things, no matter how much I put on that I don't. For a few hours, last Friday night, I wasn't Mommy, I wasn't E's wife, I wasn't a 37 year old adult. I was back to being 18 and feeling care-free. I never did anything ... but it felt good to not worry ... just for a bit.
We said good-bye that night at 3:00 (do you know the last time I was out till 3:00? Yea, me either). As soon as I got back into the car with my girlfriend, I started to sob.
It was like my whole world changed in an instant. Realizations of things I don't have in my life, but need, desperately. Realizations of how I cared for this guy back then, more than I ever realized I had. I missed our friendship. I missed feeling like I mattered in life.
My girlfriend was awesome. Hit everything on the head like a sledgehammer. Thank GOD she was there (for many reasons).
I called K after I dropped my friend off ... I wanted to let him know everything. That maybe I should have told him, twenty years ago, that I cared. That he mattered. I was always so afraid I would "scare" him off. That he would think I wanted "more." But, maybe I did. Maybe I shouldn't live my life always being afraid of what someone else will think.
I do it now. I don't tell E how I am feeling - fearful of upsetting him or starting something bigger. I don't say what I need. I don't tell E that I need to feel sexy. I need to hear it from him. I am missing that in my life, and my night out showed me that I have gaping holes in my relationship because of it.
K and I talked a lot throughout the rest of the weekend. It was cathartic. I rediscovered an old friend, and through the process, I rediscovered the "girl" in me. The "woman" in me. Not the Mom. Not the spouse. Not the daughter, employee, cook, cleaning lady, sister, driver friend ... but the woman who needs to be treated like one. I have had friends in my life all these years, but it took one that I hadn't seen in twenty years upside down.
K left on Tuesday and I was sad. He lives across the country and more than likely, I probably won't see him again. Sure, there is Twitter, Facebook, texts ... but, I will miss my friend.
But, I thank God, that I was given an opportunity to reconnect - it changed my life in so many ways.
I think E has noticed this change. He sending the boys to Grandmas for the weekend. We are finally going out to celebrate our anniversary from last month.
Like K said, maybe through all of the chaos that I felt over the weekend, something good will come out of it at home.
So far, so good.

After K left I remembered I song that I have always loved, but it never quite hit home until now:
I'm Alright by JoDee Messina
Well it's been a long time glad to see your face
I knew we'd meet again another time another place
Can't believe it's been so many years
You'd better grab a chair and a couple of beers
Lookin' good in you three piece suit
You know, I always knew you'd take the business route
You were always the one to follow the light and you look like you're doing alright

Been singin' for my rent and singin' for my supper
I'm above the below and below the upper
I'm stuck in the middle where money gets tight
But I guess I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright

Well we had a lot of dreams when we were younger
They thought we were crazy but we had the hunger
We kept a lot of friends, skipped a lot of class
Been on top of the world and knocked on our ____
We lost touch, we lost in love
We lost our minds when things got tough, but
Beatin' time is a losin' fight and I guess I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright

Well I hate to see this evening end
God only knows when I'll see you again
Just send a fax or send me a letter or give me a call that would even be better
Give the kids a kiss for me and say hello to the family
And tell them all my future's lookin' bright
Well, I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright
I said I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright
I'm doin' alright

Need a place to let it all out ...

OK - It has been a long time. A really ... really long time. But I think it's time I get back in the blogging game. Without being in the working world the one thing I miss out on is being able to just vent to people who had no clue what I was talking about, but I got it out, and every once in a while I would get some nugget of advice or something that would spark my brain.

Life at home with three kids is crazy. Life at home with three kids and then being room mom to two classrooms is crazier. Life at home with three kids, being room mom to two classrooms and being team mom to a needy football team is even crazier!!!!

Life at home is crazy ... being on a budget sucks, especially since I can never make it and I have no clue where else to cut corners, If I could find something that would bring in $100 or $200 a month ... wow. What a difference.

Now onto folding laundry, cuz work at home doesn't have an end time!