I was "this" close ....

So ... I got my second quarter results at work last night. We have 3 goals. One of these goals is completely unattainable for anyone in my office, so I am not banking on it (no one else is either).

Last quarter I was 2 of 3.

This quarter, 1 of 3.

WHAT?!?!?!?!

I blew one goal out of the water at 164%.

The other goal I missed by .8%. Seriously?!?!?!That sucks.

Ugh.

Just in case you care ....

My favorite breakfast lately has been: Yoplait Vanilla yogurt with Grape Nuts Trail Mix, blueberries and raspberries.

I actually wake up thinking about this.

I feel bad when I am out and I cannot eat this.

It isn't easy to have this all the time ... one of my top 3 cereals is this Trail Mix, yet, I cannot find it anywhere but CVS pharmacy. It runs about $5 a box. So when it is on sale, I buy like 5 at a time (And guess what? They are on sale this week - two for $5! Woo Hoo)!

I wonder how long this obsession will last ... probably until blueberry prices skyrocket again, or until CVS stops carrying Grape Nuts!

Oh, sometimes it is just the little things ...

It is all freaking me out

Little j woke up last night at 1:00. I sat with him for about a half hour until I thought he was asleep. I quietly tiptoed out the door, not shutting it for fear I would wake him up. That bit me in the ass.
About an hour later he was in our bed, stretching and kicking all the while. I just laid there and watched the clock. As I watched the clock, thoughts raced through my brain. My anxiety started to kick in. I began to focus on my Mommy job .... on Big J starting kindergarten in two weeks.

Two weeks?!?!?!

I have a child old enough to go to school?!?!?!

Holy crap!

Then I began to think of all the things I didn't know about the first day.

What do I do?
Where do I go?
DO I drop him off?
Do I walk him in?
DO I have him bring all of his supplies on that first day or should I wait until the second day?
What do I do if he cries?
What do I do if I cry?
DO I go back in to pick him up?
Should I let the bus take him home?
Where the hell does the bus pick him up or drop him off?

These thoughts kept randomly popping through my head making my heart pound louder each time. I am repeating my first day anxiety all over again ... and I am not going to school.

Needless to say, I never fell back to sleep ... I hit the gym at 5:40 and I vow to myself to get some of my questions answered this week, hoping that will help my insomnia.
Here's to being scared of the first day of kindergarten! Jeesh ....

Physical Therapy Update

If any of you remember my blog post a few months back (http://isithappyhouryet.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-therapy.html )about my issues "down there." I am happy to say, that I am done with my therapy.

I was in physical therapy for nearly 6 months. I did my "homework" nearly every night, which helped speed up the process. This homework included using various shaped dilators to stretch the muscles and help condition your brain and your muscles to work together again.

I often was asked, "ooh, did you get excited?" Nope. This was medical therapy .... there was no "excitement" to be had. In fact, there were many nights I just wanted to go to sleep .... but I did what I was told.

My therapist said that she was really happy with the way I was progressing - I guess not many people heed her advice about homework and just cannot seem to wonder why they aren't getting better.

Many visits included her massaging scar tissue, not just my apparent C-section scar, but scar tissue that I didn't know I had - in my pelvis, abs and thighs. Let me tell you, this shit hurt. Like hell. But, like any other massage, once it was over ..... it was amazing how good I felt!

Another part of therapy was contracting and relaxing my vaginal muscles. Now, I had no problem with the contracting part, it was the relaxing that gave me trouble; most people are just the opposite. At times, my therapist would connect me to a machine that would show me graphically (think about the machine you are connected to when you are in labor that showed you each contraction and how powerful they were). She would give me a number to strive for and every week; I got better each time.

I also underwent some electrical therapy. Nope, not comfortable in the least bit, but it stimulated my muscles to help them operate properly. It was incredible the things she was able to do as therapy.

Around April, we went from weekly therapy to every other week. I was to continue doing my homework, but still abstain from sex for the time being. We were progressing at a great pace.

Then, in May I was given the green light to have sex. I was hesitant and a bit nervous. But, I knew that I had the tools necessary to enjoy this. I also knew that half of my battle was mental; I would remember the pain from a previous experience, tense up and then try and have sex, only to have pain again.

So, I did my relaxation techniques before intercourse, and sex was not so painful any more. Obviously, it was a bit clinical at this point, but, hey, you have to start some where! We kept trying, some times were better than others.

By June, I was released from therapy. She was amazed at how I had healed. I was amazed at how I healed.

I continue my therapy at home. I haven't used the manual stimulation since May, but I have often used my relaxation techniques. These help on my stressful days, days that I just cannot seem to get comfortable.

It is amazing to look back and see how far I came .... and how weirded out by all of this I was. Now, I cannot imagine not getting help. And my therapist said that after I started she noticed that more doctors were starting to send her patients. It was as if doctors were finally paying attention to their patients. Not just brushing off their complaints, but really digging in and getting to a root cause. Hopefully this can continue, I can only imagine how many women suffered or are still suffering.

As I said before ladies, don't ignore your body. If one doctor cannot help you, find another and another, until you get an answer. Life is too short to live in pain!

As American as Apple Pie, Baseball and ... Kleenex?

I couldn't sleepa few nights ago. I fell asleep well, but around 1:00 I was up and that was the beginning of my tossing and turning.

So, instead of getting more and more frustrated, I went and watched my DVR. I had recorded a WGN Cubs special ... 60 years of Cubs moments. When it was done I was wiping my tears away.

Yes, I cried. I cried when I saw them replay of the clinching game in 1984. I cried when they showed Mark Grace grabbing the 3rd out at first for another clinching game. I cried when they showed Kerry Wood getting his 20th strike out. I remember all those moments like they happened yesterday.

Some moments were shared with my Dad. Other moments, with my Grandpa. But, each and every moment was special to me.

I cry at thing like that. I find myself tearing up when they show a video montage of highlights from a sports season ... like when the Blackhawks won the Cup. As they put on this awesome music, to a collage of videos from the past season, I found myself wiping the tears away.



I cry when the first few notes of the Star Spangled Banner start at every, and I mean, every, sporting event I attend and view. There is just something about watching your flag being honored by people, who are free enough to spend their Sunday watching a favorite football team, or a July afternoon watching their favorite baseball team. And fly-overs. Ugh ... don't even get me started on what happens when there is a flyover.

My family has always been a passionate family when it comes to our sports. There have been family feuds because of sports. My husband and my parents are still on rocky ground because he cannot fathom liking the Bucs instead of the Bears (shhhhhh ... I like the Bucs more still, but cannot say a word!!!!!).

We left my sister's 8th grade graduation early because the Bulls were playing the Lakers in the Finals. When we moved to Florida, before we opened any boxes or moved any furniture around, we had the couch set up, the TV plugged in, and the cable guy out because the final game of the Bulls/Suns series was on the night we moved in.



When the Bulls won all their Championships, I cried. I was so happy, so excited; it was awesome. I always think of those lonely people sitting in their homes, the ones who do nothing but watch "their" team, season after season, finally being able to celebrate something (yes, those are the kinds of things I think about).



Can you imagine how I will be when the Cubs finally win the whole thing (and they will, curses be damned!)? I will cry for a week! I will cry for my Grandpa watching down from Heaven, who will probably be drinking a Heavenly beer with me. I will cry for my Grandma, who hopefully will still be around, who knows the stats of every player on their roster, including their shoe sizes and waistlines. I will cry for those little old guys who used to sit at the Cubs games before they became "hip" and are now watching from wheelchairs.



God bless America for giving us a Country where our pastimes can give us respite from our day to day lives!



What my family has also been passionate about is this Country. It has been instilled in us since day one that we can love all of these things because we live in the United States. To this day, the 4th of July is my favorite holiday; not Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Years. I love the fact that we can fly our flags, decorate the house in red, white and blue ... and no one says a thing about even being too tacky.



I am a sucker for fireworks. I will sit out in the hot sun all day to hold the perfect spot for the viewing. I will go to as many firework shows as I possibly can ... it never gets old for me. Let's celebrate what this great Country was founded on. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. So, yes, I cry during these displays ... especially the ones that are synchronized with patriotic music ... I am mush.



I cry at parades. I cry when the Vets walk by and my children stand and salute the flag ... what a proud moment for any Mom and any American! I cry when the Little League teams are walking by and throwing candy out into the crowd. They live for this ... and I think it is awesome. I cry when I see the crowd, wearing their versions of red, white and blue, waving tiny flags and doing what we should be doing every day of our life - loving this great Country.



So ... I will let it out America. I will let those tears flow. I will enjoy those little (and big) moments in my life. I will relish those victories. I will look back at the baseball games I've attended and remember that they are the American way. I will enjoy seeing my kids learn that the hot dog and cotton candy at the ballpark is something we are supposed to do! And, yes, I will enjoy wiping my tears away with a tissue at those moments; knowing I am doing what I am free to do.

Safety First?

OK, I admit it ... I am a bad mom. Why am I a bad mom? Well, for starters I do not believe in helmets. You know, helmets? Those things that you see toddlers wearing that look straight out of a Roswell museum while they are riding in circles on their Big Wheels in their driveways?
I rode my bike everywhere as a kid. Every day. When I was small we rode up and down our driveway and around the block. To the neighbors house. Anywhere that Mom said, "yes."
As a teen I rode to friends' houses, babysitting jobs, to town with friends, and probably some places that I should not have ridden, as well.
We raced our bikes. We crashed our bikes. With every crash, yes, there was an injury of some sort. Some injuries were worse than others, I admit. But 100% of my injuries occurred below my chin. I have scars on my shoulders, elbows, hands and legs to prove my bike-riding experiences. Never once did I don a helmet, or knee pad or elbow pad. Never once did my Mom say, "You want to ride on the driveway? Better put your safety gear on!" What she did say was, "Please get out of my hair and go ride your bike with your friends."
We learned lessons about bike safety from the mistakes that we made. For instance, when my sister had her jacket wrapped around her waist and then went on a bike ride, we learned that the arms can get wrapped around a tire and cause you to fall (and ruin your jacket). Hence, he didn't ride with jackets tied around our waists.
We also saw a friend wear her sandals on her bike and slip off, causing the skin on her toes to virtually disappear (just writing this makes my skin crawl). So, we learned to always wear closed toe shoes when we rode.
I look back on my wipe-outs (yes, there were many memorable ones) and all of them destroyed my hands. I always fell on my hands .... only a fool would let their head hit the ground. Instead, they instinctively threw their hands out to stop their fall. I always remember a line from the movie, Karate Kid. Mr Miyagi is coming to fix the sink in Daniel's apartment and Daniel is practicing his karate with the shiner he received the night before from Johnny. Mr Miyagi comments on the eye and Daniel responds, "Oh yea, I fell off my bike." Mr Miyagi shrugs and says, "Ha. Lucky no hurt hand."
Wow ... dead on Mr Miyagi!!!!
I totally get the people who wear helmets when they are riding in the street, or mountain biking. I totally get having kids wear helmets when they are doing so as well. But, what I do not get are the people that put these things on for their children to ride at a snails pace, in circles, in their flippin driveways! Really????? I wonder what they will do when their kids go out for football? Wrap them in foam? Or wait, if their child takes up running, will they have to wear knee pads, elbow pads, hand guards and a mouth guard? How about when they start kissing girls? Will they have to wear a condom when they leave the house in case they get premature hard-ons????
Seriously? Could we please let our children be children?? Kids have to hurt themselves to learn how to not hurt themselves. If you pad the corners of your coffee table, do you really think that once they are 3 and they run into the un-padded coffee table, they should know better? Nope, they will think all coffee table corners are soft. And all outlets have covers, toilets have locks, no doorknobs turn, falling off of a bike doesn't hurt, etc, etc, etc.
Kids need scars. Kids need to know how to fall so as to not hurt themselves!
Teach your children why they shouldn't run near a coffee table, or stick a key into the outlet, or how to put their hands out in front of them when they are riding in the driveway and their bike falls over.
I just don't get it. Really, I don't. And, I am sure some people think I am a bad mom. OK. Fine. Think I am a bad Mom. But, I think you worry about your kids a bit too much sometimes; to the point of making them all weak and inept. So there.
I will continue to be a bad Mom ..... I will get my son a helmet when he truly needs one ... when the training wheels are gone and his paths are bumpy and far. But for now, you will know my house. It is the one where the kids are in the driveway with jackets on, tennis shoes tied and their hair blowing in the wind while they are riding around on their Big Wheels!

The music of life

Listening to Bret Michaels sing with Jimmy Buffet on I-Tunes .... Funny, before this Bret Michaels phenomena, I was buying his solo albums (do they still call them albums?) all along.
I watched him on Celebrity Apprentice and gained a whole new respect for him. After watching him with the hookers on the Rock of Love shows, he needed to!
It was weird when he had his brain hemorrhage. My sister called to tell me and I felt sad. I guess when you are passionate about music, like I am, it stays with you. Music is a part of you. And growing up with Bret Michaels, his posters on my wall, tapes and CD's constantly on my radio, I feel like he was part of that. Not like I am a weird fan, stalker type ... but, you have a connection to people like that.
He was a part of of my childhood, my dating life (how many times did I make out to Every Rose has Its Thorn????), and even my wedding and my sisters' weddings (at least one Poison song had to be played at them!).
Funny how certain songs, artists, albums, etc can instantly put you in a good mood, no matter what. And, as I have said before, can take you back to times that you will never forget.

Remember the nights we sat

and talked about all our dreams

Well little did we know then

They were more distant than they seemed

Well I knew it

You knew it too

the things we'd go through

We knew the things we had to do

To make it baby

What I am

"I'm not aware of too many things

I know what I know if you know what I mean

What I am is what I am

Are you are is what you are or what?

What I am is what I am"

Wow ... its been a while ... and here we are, mid-July, and life continues to drive forward at the speed of light.

I have been many things in the past few weeks ... and here is my recap:

I am happy:

Happy that I have two healthy children who, despite making me want to pull my hair out one strand by one strand, give me joy from the inside out.
Happy that I am still employed.
Happy that the Hawks won the Stanley Cup! It was so cool to experience the hype and fun! And fun to watch Big J and little j enjoy it with me!
Happy that my baby sister is pregnant (no one knows yet .... so SSSSHHHHH!!!!!)!
Happy that my relationship with E is better than it has been in a while (while his hunger for sex ... sorry ... this is my blog .... drives me nuts!). Who would have thunk?

I am anxious:
Anxious about Big J starting kindergarten next month. Our whole world changes. You wouldn't think it does, but .... No more vacation whenever it works for me .... we are now on "school time." No more keeping the boys home when I have a short day, no more long weekends at Grandma's ...... Vacations, visits, trips will now be with the rest of the world: Spring Break, Summer, and Christmas! And ... my little dude ... he is going to school! My little buddy who was my partner in crime while E was away will be gone at school! My baby is all grown up ... and I totally don't feel old enough to have a kid in school.
Anxious that my results at work could stop any time due to this boob in Office that ruins the economy every day that he wakes up. I cannot go back to that again ... really, I cannot.
Anxious about E's Army fate. We are waiting on a medical board to determine how he will be retired. My "stay at home mom" future all rides on what this Board decides.

I am sad:
Sad because a man, who was like an Uncle to my sisters and I, died this past Saturday. He was a funny man, who was a great friend to my family and will be missed terribly.

I am excited:
Excited that I have lost about 25 pounds and I am nearing my goal. I want to lose about 1o more!
Excited that my middle sister is coming to visit in one month!
Excited that I get to go to Tampa in a few weeks for a quick visit and to drop Big J off for his vacation with Grandma and Grandpa.

I am disappointed:
Disappointed that I have yet to get my personal business any where near getting off the ground. My own fault, completely.
Dispappointed that the Cubs suck this year.
Disappointed that we still cannot seem to get our financial situation where we want/need it.

I am determined:
Determined to start writing in this blog again. Really.
Determined to get a bit more involved for myself ... find a team, group ... something.
Determined to let my family know how much they mean to me every day.

"I yam what I yam

And that's all what I yam.

I'm Popeye the sailor man"