It's the little things

When I got home this afternoon, I had flowers waiting for me on the kitchen counter.



They are beautiful.



Uh oh ... do you think he read my blog?! ;)

A letter to my other half

To my dear sweet husband,



I love you. Really I do. But, you are driving me insane! So as to not harbour any feelings for too long, I have made a list of some things that I would like for you to pay close attention to.

• You snore. Actually, you don't just snore. You suck the life blood out of everything in the bedroom until the walls come caving in. I can wake you up, only to have you, 10 seconds later (no exaggeration, seriously, you fall asleep at the snap of your fingers!) snore even LOUDER.


• You are a groper. Dude, for ten years I have told you that walking up to me and effing tweeking my nipples or man-handling my boobs is not effing foreplay, it is not intimacy, it is not sweet. It is irritating and it makes my skin crawl.


• WE made these children together. I should not be the only one changing diapers, waking up in the middle of the night to their cries and screams (probably because you, dear husband, cannot hear them crying because you are shattering the windows with all of your effing snoring.).


• The reason I give you the gift of clothing for every birthday day, Father's Day or Christmas, is not so that I can do less laundry. It is for you to actually look decent when we leave our home. You Bud Light shirt from your college frat days that has holes and stains under the armpits, well, it just isn't appropriate attire for a nice family dinner out (shoot - let's just get this out there on the table, don't wear the mother -effing shirt any more!!!!!0.


• For years you have made comments about my weight. For years I have battled my weight. For months I have been waking up at the crack of dawn to go to a Spin class so that I can get back to my skinny days. Little by little that is happening. I know you hurt your back overseas. I know you are unable to workout. But you have gotten a bit chunky my dear. I love you, but quit thinking you still look like a rock star.... those who live in glass houses babe. Sometimes words come back to bite you in the ass and now you finally know how I felt all those years!


• I love you. Sometimes I do not like you. But, hearing I love you sometimes feels good. It can make your wife happier ... and maybe a bit more ... hhhmmmm ... amorous? SAY IT!

Thank you for listening .... my bitching (for now) will stop .... maybe I will send you a list of reasons I like you some day soon.

Love,

Your wife

Is it bad to laugh?

Big J has been having trouble controlling his temper these days. You tell him to go to bed or clean up his toys and it is actually quite entertaining sometimes to see his reaction.

So, last night E raced him to bed. E won. Big J got pissed and hit the wall, "I always lose."

We tried talking to him as we tucked him in about losing and patience, etc.

We started saying his prayers and at the end, as I always do, I asked if he had anything to tell Jesus.

He went on to say that he didn't know what to say.

I said, "How about asing Him to help you with patience and knowing how to lose?"

Big J said OK, but I knew he had to say his prayers.

I asked him again, "Is there anything you can say to Jesus tonight?"

Big J thought about it and finally said, "Jesus, please help me run faster."

I about peed my pants.

Puffy eyes and a pit in the tummy

So, I had to spend another day out in the field with "the boss." He wasn't too happy with me as I had scheduled a 6:00AM start to cover early shifts at one of my police stations.

Well, we got there, one thing lead to another and we were talking about work, etc. I told him that I am frustrated with the people in my territory (he blew that one off) and that I am working harder than most, and my numbers are below everyone else.

The one positive thing that he had to tell me is that he doesn't know anything else to say to me to help me improve. I am doing everything right. The awful thing - I am about one month away from being put on written probation.

That has never happened to me in my life ... never. It sux.

I know I say that I am ready to say buh-bye to this place ... but I want it my way. Being fired is not how I want to be thought of.

Once I was done at the police station with him, I got in my car and I cried. Like a big fat baby, I cried. I cried down Madison St. I cried down Austin and I cried all the way down 290. When I stopped ... and then thought about it again, I cried some more.

It sux. I feel like a failure. I am not a failure. But, I have no clue what to do to make it better or right.

I remember in 4th grade I got a D on my report card. Now, keep in mind, I was a straight A student ... even after 4th grade, I was straight A student. A "D" was a shocking blow to a 10 year old. What did I get my "D" in? Gym class. Namely, tumbling.

Try being a chubby girl, just hitting those, "I like boys" years, and not be able to do a cartwheel. It was bad enough that I was made fun of. On top of that MS Klinker (yep, I remember the broad's name) gave me an effing "D".

I remember for days walking around pretending it didn't bother me, but going to bed at night and sobbing in my pillow. I do not fail.

I do not get put on written probation.

I do not get fired.

I want to be at home with my kids. But, in order to do that I have to take out time from work. If I take time off of work, I do not have a leg to stand on. I feel like I am failing at both of my jobs. Which one do I save?

Disdain

I hate my boss.

Seriously. I don't mean I dislike him. I mean, I truly hope he trips on a crack in the sidewalk and falls in front of a bunch of onlookers and rips a hole in his little freaking khaki pants.

I know, bad Catholic, right? Sorry. I am sure I will go to bed tonight, say my prayers and ask God to forgive me, but for know. I hate the man.

The man is truly inept. He has no clue what I do all day (yet pretends to know all). He has no idea how to treat a customer (yet tries to teach me). He has no idea how to manage people (yet he gets paid 6 figures to act like it).

C'mon people. Who lets these people climb corporate ladders anyway? Its like the athelete who makes it through college but never learns to read. What the hell happens?

I have asked him for two weeks now, that I need to speak with him regarding some troubles I am having with my territory. His response? (same as always, I don't know why it upsets me, it is on freaking repeat) "I am so busy, we will talk when you are in the office next." Well, dipshit, I have been in the office three effing times since we spoke and, um, yeah, that's right, we still haven't discussed anything.

I was in the hellhole, oh, excuse me ... I was in theeoffice yesterday since 8:00. He was there most of the day too. He KNOWS I leave at 4:25 in order to get the elevator (our building is so old that a man stands downstairs and pulls rope to bring the elevator up to you ... really, I swear!) and make it to my train in time to get the kids before day care starts to charge $$ for minutes that I am late. So ... this brainiac shows up at my desk at 4 freaking 20 to discuss his time out in the field with me from last week.

Of course, these discussions are never positive, not for me, anyway. My numbers are all below average (well, maybe if my coworkers weren't hanging out in my territory all week, those averages might turn around a bit), I suck, blah, blah, blah.

He asks if I have questions and I think to myself, "OK, asshole. I ask you for all kinds of shit all the freaking time. You sit here and ask me if I have questions. Um, will you answer these questions, or will you tell me that you will have time to answer them in the year 2011?" So, I respond with a terse, no and head off to my train ... which I miss. Fuck.

I know when I chat with my husband about it I will get the world's greatest PC answer (same that I always get). "He is your boss. We need the salary for a while longer. Is there anything that you can change ..... (insert what you want here: elevator music, the 'wah wah wah wah wah wah wah' sounds from Charlie Brown, Seinfeld's 'yadda yadda yadda', etc .... I certainly do).

The fact is. I am busting my fat tail. Seriously. I used to goof around. Putz my day away and wonder why I wasn't cutting it. That all changed. I used to work out in the field a max of three days a week (with the old boss, as long as you were at your goal, it didn't matter WHAT you did, as long as it was done), I now work five. I bring home LESS than 50% of my salary because I have to pay day care for five days a week. I am busting my hump, while coworkers sit around and watch $$ roll in because of their territory or their hook-up with the boss (yes, there is that going on too). I won't do it.

I won't steal or cheat to get my numbers up. I won't stab people in the back to make myself look good. I am better than that. So, if I get fired. Tough shit. Would it be a blow to the ego? Hell yeah. Would hit hurt financially? Right now, yes. But - I would survive.

Do I hate my boss? Yes. I do. OK ..... maybe not hate ...... but please, don't ever ask me to say anything nice about him, because I have nothing ... my mind draws a big flat blank.

Family Fun

I finally convinced E that evenings in the Summer cannot always be about working on the house. So, yesterday we packed the boys up and headed over to Twin Lakes - a golf course/park/lake.

We bought dinner and sat out on the patio ... hot dogs for the boys, grilled chicken for me (and some french fries) and a burger for E. Big J loved sitting by the water and watching the fish swim by. Little j enjoyed running around the deck for a while.

After dinner we took a paddle boat ride. Thank GOD we only had it for a half hour. Little j hated wearing the life jacket and pretty much screamed *screamed* the entire time. Joy.

Big J got a kick out of riding and just wanted to go faster!

After the peaceful and quiet (HA HA HA) boat ride we bought the boys ice cream cones and walked around for a bit. It was actually a fun evening.

I worked on my logos for the business for a bit when we got back and then I called it a night .....

I am SO ready for the weekend!!!!

I need a PERMENANT VACATION!

Another glorious 4 1/2 day weekend has come and gone way too quickly.

Thursday was another early start for me. I was up and out of the house by 5:15. But ... DONE with my appointments at 10:00!

So, I spent most of Thursday mowing the lawn, weeding, etc. I also got the house prepared (somewhat ... with all of our demolition and construction mess, it wasn't so easy!) for my parents arrival on Friday.

I met a girlfriend for coffee after Spin and grocery on Friday morning, and I realized just how much I loved creating my own schedule. This was how it used to be before I was thrust into this 24-7 work role. I talked about my future endeavors with her and it felt good to be talking about something for myself.

I went home, cleaned the rest of the house, got the boys ready and headed out o the airport to pick up my Mom and Dad. Big J was so excited he could hardly sit still. They arrived, we headed to Corner Bakery for a snack and then home to hang out. The boys were ecstatic.

Unfortunately, E had to work at a nearby Summer festival that evening, so it was just my parents and I with the boys (maybe that was a fortunate turn???!). We decided to fore-go dinner out, we ordered a pizza, opened a bottle of wine and enjoyed out evening. I miss them being around!

We had the wedding on Saturday ... my MIL came to watch the boys for us. We had a good time - realized that some of my extended family really and truly are TPT ... but, then again, I think we have known this all the time! E and my parents actually got along quite well this trip ... that was LOVELY! I crashed in my parents' room since I drank a few throughout the day.

On Sunday we took the boys to the Festival that E was working at ... I let Big J ride a few rides and hang out with E and then we headed to the house. When E got home we all cleaned up and headed out for a nice Italian dinner.

The boys behaved BEAUTIFULLY ... I think I stole someone else's children for the evening! It was such a nice night out for all of us ... it was a shame to know that my parents were leaving so quickly in the morning. :(

Big J had a horrible time dropping off Grandma and Grandpa at the airport. I do believe his words were, "I want my Grandma and Grandpa back!" He sobbed with his head in his hands ... heavy, adult-like sobs. It truly broke my heart.

I had decided that since these good-byes were getting harder each time, to take the day off. When we got home I put little j to bed, filled up the pool and Big J and I had a pool-side day. I grabbed a beer, some Doritoes and watermelon and we ate junk food and swam and burned our shoulders to a crisp. It was simply AWESOME.

At the end of the day I thought about it all and realized that is what I want. I want to be there with my kids ... more than just a vacation day every few months. That is why I want to create the new business. That is why, even if I get fired, I will not miss my hellish job. My kids. They drive me nuts and I want to strangle them some times.... but mostly. I love being around them and just being Mommy.

I so hope something starts to culminate soon. I need to get hot. As I sit here in this hell-hole of an office, taking phone calls that no one else can take and watch my children on the day-care-cam, I realize that I have grown to truly and 100% hate this place. I can honestly say that I have no friends here anymore. The ones that I did have? Well, after seeing that they have stolen business from me and talked shit? I have no friends. I work for myself and that is IT. Its funny how something so great can become so bad in such a short period of time.

I know that the right thing will happen at the right time. I just hope it is soon. I am ready for a permanent vacation from this place ... and I want it to be on MY terms ... not theirs.

Time in a Bottle

I try. Really, I swear, I try.

I want a clean house, happy kids, a satisfied husband. I would LOVE to get this little business venture of mine off the ground. But, time, oh time, once, you were a friend of mine. Where have you gone?

I knew that once the summer came along, and the days stayed around a lot longer (hallelujah, really, I cannot handle when it gets dark at 4:00), I knew the boys would stay up later. But, THIS late? Really?

By the time I get everyone in bed and get to MY life ... well ... my life now consists of going to BED!

I remember a time where the boys were in bed by 8:00, I would get my chores done and still have enough time for some personal time ... website browsing, facebooking, email, phone calls. I feel like I have 32 hours of work to squeeze into a 24 hour day.

I know other people have this same problem ... but how do you cope? Seriously?

If I truly want to walk away from this job that I HATE, I have to spend some time on my business - get the website created, a logo up and running .... but since I am trying to do this on my own .... it is going to take a while.

In the meantime, my parents are coming to visit tomorrow (Woo Hoo!), so I took Friday and Monday off. Maybe I should stick some of the extra time I might get with them here and throw it on a shelf for safe keeping. I can pull it out when I need some reserves!!!!!!

My 4 1/2 day weekend.

What a weekend it was!!! I am back at work now :( but excited that on Friday my parents come for a visit to I have ANOTHER 4 day weekend! Woo Hoo!!!

So ... I was done with work at noon on Thursday. I hung out with the boys for a while and then had a bikini wax and pedicure scheduled at 3:00. The wax - I could do without ... and the pedicure was long freaking over-due! AAAAHHHHHHH ...

After dinner we took j and J to the local Fest. Big J was SO excited to go on the rides (for $28 he better have been!). I stopped and grabbed my first beer of the weekend, E got a BBQ sandwich and I got the boys some tasty fair treats.

Friday I woke up for Spin - yep - even on a day-off!. After the boys and I took a walk to the grocery for a few last minute items. I cooked for most of the morning and then took little j to the pediatrician at 3:00. He is a chunker, who screams the entire time ... but healthy.

I invited a close friend over for our cookout that evening and around 6:00 we all packed up and headed over to the horse track for some races, more beer, and then fireworks.

The boys were great. Big J got a bit cranky toward the end, but did well overall. They both loved the fireworks.

Saturday was a cloudy day. We blew up the bike tires, but the boys in the bike trailer and headed Downtown for a local Parade. It lasted for well over an hour, the boys collected enough candy to rot all of our teeth and, as a whole, we enjoyed ourselves as a family.

The rest of Saturday was spent relaxing before we headed to over to a friend's house for dinner and to let the kids play.

Sunday we spent at the Cubs game. We took the El down to the bus connection - a whole new experience for Big J - which he loved. The boys behaved wonderfully (they better have after hot dogs, nachos, cotton candy, pop, and other assorted $$ items!) and we all had a great day.

Thanks GOD I took yesterday off. I enjoyed it and treated it as such. A. DAY. OFF. The boys and I went to Panera in the AM for a scone and coffee. After we ate they headed over to the middle of the shopping center where there is a gazebo - we have often gone over there for a cookie, music and to goof around.

Well, the two of em started dancing and having a GREAT time - it was TOO cute. We shopped for a bit and ended up having lunch at one of Big J's favorite places, Noodles and Co.

We took little j home for a nap and then Big J and I headed over to the pool for some goofing around.

It was such a pleasant weekend. I wish it weren't over. I wish I weren't back at this rat trap of an office. .... Come on FRIDAY!