Changes (from Sept 2011)

I have a new perspective in life these days ... and it took a person I hadn't seen in almost twenty years to help me with that.
So, about a month ago, a guy I had known since high school let me know he was coming into town for his reunion and that he wanted to get together and catch up with me and another one if our friends.
I planned on it, but thought for sure, it would go forgotten.
Last week, he sent a message and said to still plan on it. That is when I started to feel weird - a married Mommy going out with two guys? How bad would that look? Although E was totally fine with it (but kept reminding me to cover my drink cuz you never know what they may slip in it!), I felt weird. SO, I invited a girlfriend - besides, it would give me a chance to go out with her too!
So, flash back to Friday night. I picked my girlfriend up and then headed out to pick up K.
The three of us went to eat and the reminiscing started. I remembered so much. I had forgotten so much.
After we ate we went to a bar. Wait, this was not a bar, it was a club. Do you know the last time I was at a club? I walked right past the guy taking cover (Cover? Cover? WTF is cover?). I Was all out of whack.
We had a great time. I am talking, A.Great.Time. We talked, dance, reminisced ...
Through the night I became aware of just how much I cared about K when we hung out. We had a weird relationship - one that I cannot even define. We were friends, for years. We hung out on Friday and Saturday nights with a group of friends. He was always the nice one of the bunch - the one one that would listen or console, which is why I always valued him being around. Toward the end of high school, he enlisted in the Navy. I was graduating and moving to Florida. I was also getting over a horrible breakup and he was one of the only people around me that listened to me and helped. It was then that our relationship turned to a more "dating" type. Even then though, we weren't "dating." He was never my "boyfriend," but I always knew that I cared a lot about him.
I moved. He went away and we wrote letters. Lots of letters (wow - wonder how it would have been with email?!). After about two years, the letters suddenly stopped. K and I both tried to figure out why they stopped, but neither of us knew.
I think I realized how much I wished those letters would have continued throughout these last fifteen years. K always knew how to make me feel good. Good about me.
We flirted. A lot. He made me realize that I need to hear those things, no matter how much I put on that I don't. For a few hours, last Friday night, I wasn't Mommy, I wasn't E's wife, I wasn't a 37 year old adult. I was back to being 18 and feeling care-free. I never did anything ... but it felt good to not worry ... just for a bit.
We said good-bye that night at 3:00 (do you know the last time I was out till 3:00? Yea, me either). As soon as I got back into the car with my girlfriend, I started to sob.
It was like my whole world changed in an instant. Realizations of things I don't have in my life, but need, desperately. Realizations of how I cared for this guy back then, more than I ever realized I had. I missed our friendship. I missed feeling like I mattered in life.
My girlfriend was awesome. Hit everything on the head like a sledgehammer. Thank GOD she was there (for many reasons).
I called K after I dropped my friend off ... I wanted to let him know everything. That maybe I should have told him, twenty years ago, that I cared. That he mattered. I was always so afraid I would "scare" him off. That he would think I wanted "more." But, maybe I did. Maybe I shouldn't live my life always being afraid of what someone else will think.
I do it now. I don't tell E how I am feeling - fearful of upsetting him or starting something bigger. I don't say what I need. I don't tell E that I need to feel sexy. I need to hear it from him. I am missing that in my life, and my night out showed me that I have gaping holes in my relationship because of it.
K and I talked a lot throughout the rest of the weekend. It was cathartic. I rediscovered an old friend, and through the process, I rediscovered the "girl" in me. The "woman" in me. Not the Mom. Not the spouse. Not the daughter, employee, cook, cleaning lady, sister, driver friend ... but the woman who needs to be treated like one. I have had friends in my life all these years, but it took one that I hadn't seen in twenty years upside down.
K left on Tuesday and I was sad. He lives across the country and more than likely, I probably won't see him again. Sure, there is Twitter, Facebook, texts ... but, I will miss my friend.
But, I thank God, that I was given an opportunity to reconnect - it changed my life in so many ways.
I think E has noticed this change. He sending the boys to Grandmas for the weekend. We are finally going out to celebrate our anniversary from last month.
Like K said, maybe through all of the chaos that I felt over the weekend, something good will come out of it at home.
So far, so good.

After K left I remembered I song that I have always loved, but it never quite hit home until now:
I'm Alright by JoDee Messina
Well it's been a long time glad to see your face
I knew we'd meet again another time another place
Can't believe it's been so many years
You'd better grab a chair and a couple of beers
Lookin' good in you three piece suit
You know, I always knew you'd take the business route
You were always the one to follow the light and you look like you're doing alright

Been singin' for my rent and singin' for my supper
I'm above the below and below the upper
I'm stuck in the middle where money gets tight
But I guess I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright

Well we had a lot of dreams when we were younger
They thought we were crazy but we had the hunger
We kept a lot of friends, skipped a lot of class
Been on top of the world and knocked on our ____
We lost touch, we lost in love
We lost our minds when things got tough, but
Beatin' time is a losin' fight and I guess I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright

Well I hate to see this evening end
God only knows when I'll see you again
Just send a fax or send me a letter or give me a call that would even be better
Give the kids a kiss for me and say hello to the family
And tell them all my future's lookin' bright
Well, I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright
I said I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright
I'm doin' alright

Nevermind ....

So, remember my cryptic post about a week ago? Never mind - false alarm. A little over a week ago I started noticing a lot of cramping - it was still about 10 until my period (I operate like clockwork, I might as well be on the Pill), so I knew it wasn't that. I also noticed that I was extremely exhausted, my boobs ached all the time, I woke up nauseous and I was bloating like never before. What would you think it was?? Yep, I even looked up and saw that my due date would have been December 9. Rather than being a rational (and smart) woman, and going to get an early test, I just kept things to myself and waited for my period to show or not show. So what did I do while I waited? Worried, planned, counted down, practiced how I would tell people, mourned the loss of alcohol for the next 9 months, planned my maternity leave (got excited that I would have all of Christmas at home ... but then got depressed when I thought I would spend the Winter months stuck inside with an infant), and worried about how things would work since I had new Tricare insurance but still wanted to keep my old doctor. Well, sitting in my office last Wednesday (still five days early for my expected period) evening I felt a really large cramp and noticed a bit of blood. Still in my "I am pregnant" mode, I thought, some bleeding is normal. Woke up the next morning and realized, I am not pregnant. I am assuming it was my period since it lasted for about five days. Part of me was relieved - I just got little j into underpants, we changed the baby room into a toy room, I am ten pounds away from my goal weight and I am starting to enjoy the fact that the boys are becoming more and more self-sufficient. The other part of me was sad - no little person to hold and love, little j won't become a big brother, no 12 week maternity leave (hey! no rolling of the eyes ... there should be some benefit to the mommy!) .... I wonder if I am ready for a third or if I am ready to say that I call it quits. E wants two more (he is cracked in the head) and I promise that will not happen. I believe that God has a plan for everyone. I don't believe in birth control, so it is up to me and Him to head down the path chosen for me. We shall see what happens from here ... but for now, it is me and E and the two boys ...

Let's listen for the *ding*

I miss my Mom.

I miss my Dad.

I miss my sisters.

I think it is time for a trip home - I need some attention. Some time to sit on the couch with a glass of wine and chill ... while someone else watches my children!

I need to walk around barefoot for a while ... shit, even their cold fronts sound downright balmy to me at this moment!

I need a Mommy shopping trip and a Daddy martini and hug.

Could I throw my tantrum right about now? Should I shed a few tears and see if I can get my way? I feel like a 3 year old right about now, but don't we all have one of those in us sometimes?

Time to book a trip ....

The fog rolls in ...

I am sure we have all heard descriptions in our novels about fog rolling in. We have all pictured the scene in our heads hundreds, if not thousands (depending on how much you read!), of times.

You know, there is a field, cemetery, house, street, etc and as the person looks out into the distance they can see the fog, thick as pea soup, creeping ever closer to where they are. In your head you can just see this mass of blackness rolling towards this person and you can imagine the air getting thick and damp.

Well, the fog is rolling in and it is thick, damp and depressing.

Every year, I try and get myself psyched for the end of Summer, Fall and start of (cough, cough) Winter.

Every year I think about the good things that come with this time of year, pumpkin patches, football, batches of chili, Halloween, Thanksgiving, hot chocolate after a cool evening spent running around in the yard.

Those things are all so picturesque and nice, but they don't stop the dread and blahness that encompasses me.

Every year, it seems our Summers abruptly end and we get Fall like a slap on the back. Lately, though, we have skipped right over the Fall season and headed straight for Winter.

We have hit 18 days significantly below normal temperatures. It is gray and rainy most of the time. It has been too cold and damp to let the boys play outside. There is no outlook for things to even reach normal in the near future.

So, again, I try and think about the positives. Those positives quickly escape my head as dread and sadness creeps in. You see, I have been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression or winter blues, is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter or, less frequently, in the summer,[1] spring or fall, repeatedly, year after year. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), SAD is not a unique mood disorder, but is "a specifier of major depression".[2]

The US National Library of Medicine notes that "some people experience a serious mood change when the seasons change. They may sleep too much, have little energy, and crave sweets and starchy foods. They may also feel depressed. Though symptoms can be severe, they usually clear up."[3] The condition in the summer is often referred to as Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder, and can also include heightened anxiety.[4]

There are many different treatments for classic (winter-based) seasonal affective disorder, including light therapy with bright lights, anti-depression medication, cognitive-behavioral therapy, ionized-air administration,[5] and carefully timed supplementation of the hormone melatonin.[6]

Symptoms of SAD may consist of: difficulty waking up in the morning, tendency to oversleep as well as to overeat, and especially a craving for carbohydrates, which leads to weight gain. Other symptoms include a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating on completing tasks, and withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities. All of this leads to the depression, pessimism, and lack of pleasure which characterize a person suffering from this disorder.


Just like that fog rolling in in the novels we read, I have felt this ickiness creeping into my head over the past few days.

I am tired, cranky and sad most of the time. I have no desire to get anything done. I have a sudden urge to eat and eat and eat, all while telling myself how I should stop and it won't make me feel any better.

I am irritated with my husband (why is it that HE gets to sleep in while I have to take care of the boys after getting only 4 hours sleep due to Little j screaming from midnight till 1:30?). I am irritated with work (more so than usual, can that even be?). My zest for waking up in the morning to go to Spin has completely disappeared and my snooze button has become my best friend.

I am sad. I am bummed. I am lonely.

I drive on, as I always do .... but seriously, this stuff ... this SAD ... it exists. It isn't bullshit. It isn't an excuse to complain or sleep. It feels awful. It sucks. It feels like I am completely out of control of my own emotions.

Hopefully, things will get brighter here and there, and Winter will come and go .... and soon I will be back to flip flops, baseball and mowing the lawn.

Wordless Wednesday

Frustration

I only get a few nights out, away from my boys, every few months or so. I plan ahead, grab a babysitter and enjoy my evening.

I called last week to secure my babysitter for this coming Friday evening, when I have tickets for a play with some girlfriends. I get a phone call LAST night stating that her Mom said she couldn't watch the boys.

That gave me less than 3 days to find someone to give me a break ... a night out. EVERYONE that has done it in the past, or could do it is busy (of course - in the REAL world, people have PLANS, fun things to do with their time). ME? I will probably have to cancel AGAIN ....

I am so bummed. This deployment has finally started to really wear at me. When do I get my time? When do I get to concentrate on ME for over 30 seconds??? I am tired of being last on my list.

I feel so sad I am holding back the tears as I write this. I look forward to my girls' nights ... I don't get too many of them these days. Do I not deserve a break?

I love our Lord, but once again, I wonder why He cannot give me an easy time for a while. Still no full nights sleep, and now I cannot even have a night out????

What did I do to someone in my life to have Him so pissed off at me ......

Guess I should end my pity party now ... time to go home and take care of the little people.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

"I love you" .....

So .... I just got back from seeing my E .... What a feeling. So happy - yet so sad.

Here is the fill-in:

E was injured overseas ... he hurt his back. They have sent him back to Ft. Bragg for medical treatment and more than likely, he will NOT return to Iraq. BUT - and here is my big BUT - he will NOT be returning home any time soon. From what he tells me, these medical boards and treatments can take 90 days or more ... and they will NOT release him until they fix what they broke. Ugh. So ... we are awaiting word on if he undergoes surgery or rehab or what.

So ... with Big J in Tampa visiting Grandma and Grandpa, we got MIL to watch little j and I headed out to Ft Bragg on Friday to see E.

I left from Ohare early and arrived in Fayetteville around 12:00. I rented a car, since E has been using post transportation this entire time. I knew he would want some time off the base ... and I needed a way to get around as well. I arrived at Ft Bragg with E waiting for me - he had a dozen roses with gerbera daisies attached (my fave), some gummy bears (some of my favorite candy) and an 8-pack of Diet Dr Pepper waiting for me in his fridge. For E to be THIS thoughtful is highly unusual. It was absolutely incredible to see him ... and have him just hold me (without any kids in the mix - I actually forgot I was a Mom for a short time)!

He immediately showed me around the base - this place is HUGE! Unlike what I truly pictured. It was cool b/c I was able to see where he trained, ate, slept ... some places were nicer than others. I was actually disappointed to see some of the places we allow our troops to sleep for weeks on end .... I think prisoners actually get better living conditions than some of these guys!

Friday night we went downtown Fayetteville (what a small town!) and ate dinner at a bar & grill. It was great to actually sit down and have a glass of wine with my husband on a Friday night! I felt like a lady again ... not just "mom."

On Saturday we SLEPT IN!!!! I woke up at 9:30!!!!! Can you actually believe that! It was heavenly ... not only to wake up whenever I wanted - but to be next to Eric again. We went to late breakfast and then he drove me out to the FOB (forward operating base). This is the place that he stayed for a few weeks, training for war. It is created to simulate life in Iraq. It was really neat to see - and hard to imagine my husband having to endure things like all of this. It was cool - yet scary at the same time.

We wandered around the PX and sat in the room and watched the Cubs game. That evening we got cleaned up and had a romantic Italian dinner downtown. It was so great.

On Sunday he took me to the Post chapel for church and we went out for Sunday brunch. We ate WAY too much but really enjoyed ourselves. That afternoon we went to the Special Forces Museum in Fayetteville. It was really neat to see the history behind these guys. What jobs they do ... and the things we, as Americans, take for granted on a daily basis. The next person that complains about war, politics, etc ... let them jump into a uniform and see what America REALLY is all about.

Because we ate such a heavy brunch we weren't really hungry until late. When was the last time just E and I went driving around looking for somewhere to go for dinner at BEDTIME?!?!?? It was so much fun. We stopped at a BBQ joint and had a great time.

Monday morning was bittersweet since I knew I had to leave that afternoon. We skipped breakfast and slept in, once again. We went to the PX to get something for Big J and an Army wife mug for me. It was hard to not get swept up in the "excitement" (is that the word I am really looking for?) of it all. Being on base, around soldiers, seeing my husband and all that he went through .... it made me very proud (maybe for the first time) to be an "Army Wife" ... I have always always been proud of E ... but never really thought of myself as an "Army Wife."

We went out to a Sports Bar on base for lunch ... played a mean game of air hockey and then went back to the room and prepared to leave. It was so hard. He is home .... but not home. He feels like he let down his Unit by not being back there and has to fight that demon, every day, all by himself. He knows that is children and wife sit back and go on with their lives without him while he waits on people to control his future life.

As much as I was all "hoorah" for the Army ... I am a bit pissed with them as well. Take care of my husband and then bring him home. Don't let him sit and sit and sit ..... what good does it do anyone????

Leaving was awful. I hugged him as hard as I could and drove away. I received a text about 15 minutes later .... "I LOVE YOU" .... I cried.

And now ... I am back in the hell hole that I call an office ... dealing with the same bullshit I deal with every time I am here ...and I want to scream at them all for not giving a shit about anyone else but themselves. Ugh ..... I miss E badly.

Tuesday Two-fers

2 reasons I am sad:

1. My Mom and Dad left today. This just sucks.

2. My work schedule doesn't lighten up till .... shoot - looking at my calendar - it NEVER lightens up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!