A nail in the proverbial coffin

A while back I wrote a post about the icky abusive asshole I dated way back when. I wrote about he sent me an email telling me he wanted to talk to me about things he did when we were dating, but he never responded again.

Well, around the middle of October I was feeling empowered and I wanted to clean some of my life out and I sent him this email:

Stephen

I was cleaning out my email and came across this message and I realized that I never did respond to your original message.

I didn't respond, because, quite honestly, I was afraid. Afraid of ruining the progress I had made over the twelve years of my life that I was away from you. I was afraid to send my life back into a darkness that was deep and scary.

But, now, I am completely ready to respond to you without any fear or reservation.

I thought I loved you when I was with you. I was a fool to think that was love. What you spewed was hate. Pure hate.

You controlled me, you manipulated me, you beat me down until I felt I was worthless, worthless without you.

You used God as a battering ram. You threw Bible verses at me and tried to use that as a sword. I remember one vividly, "Have faith like a child" You loved that verse - used it to tell me that I was faithless because I wouldn't run to a courthouse and marry you. Faithless? Not in my eyes - thank God I knew that.

You told me that I was wrong for loving my family. I was wrong for having friends. I was wrong for smiling without you telling me I could. You accused me of sleeping with guy I talked with, even friends I had had for years.

You called me a whore, you made me feel like I was a dirty.

You criticized the way I laughed, the way I smiled, the way I dressed. You isolated me from family, from friends. You belittled me in front of people and then asked me apologize from embarrassing you. You locked me in your apartment and told me to clean it. You sent bitter, hateful messages to me, calling me names like, bitch and whore and tramp. You would pull me into rooms and show me how I made a bed incorrectly or left a toilet seat up.

You criticized my family, telling me nothing short of how evil they were, and you let me know it on a daily basis.

You were horribly abusive, in every way imaginable, without ever laying a hand on me. The scars you inflicted upon me were gruesome, yet never visible. I spent years trying to erase those scars, trying to heal those scars, trying to strengthen the me around those scars.

You tried to beat me down, and in the end you did everything opposite of what you wanted. I became a stronger Catholic, a stronger woman, a happier woman - without you.

What made me so sad, was that I knew you were doing it to someone else when I finally left you. How do I know? She called me - and she sounded just as scared. I wished I could help, but knew to stay healthy, I had to stay away.

Hopefully one day you will understand what you did to women - and you will understand that it never made you a Godly man. So, please, don't let me know how much God loves me - I NEVER needed you to tell me, I always knew, I was just blinded for a time.

I do not carry your burdens and hurts on my heart any more. I have been free of that for a long time, but I will not ever forget and I just wanted you to know that.

I received this response two days later:

Lisa,
Thank you for responding back to me, for being open to hearing what I hope to share with you, and for being honest and frank. I very much appreciate what you expressed, and now I want to own how I know that I hurt you and how I sinned against you.
Going back to the time when we met, I know now I was a mess inside, and that I had no idea how, to what extent, or why. For example, for so much of my life, I have felt desperate and needy for attention, love, affection and approval – in fact I felt starved for it. And any time I found it, or to any extent that it became a reality, I clung to the source, the person, with so much fear, so scared to lose it. I didn’t have the strength of character, or trust in the Lord, and didn’t have peace inside, or a foundation, to make healthy relational decisions, or to be a steady source of love and protection and provision.
I know now I was drenched in guilt and shame, from my own wrongs and sins. I was full of bitterness and anger and unforgiveness toward my family – and struggling with the associated fear that came from it.
Also, deep down, I felt no one could or would ever really and genuinely love me, or at least not for very long before they turned on me or gave up on me or left me for someone else.
To make matters more complicated, in our case, we were not fit to be together (not a bad thing…just not a fit), and I knew it from the beginning. And though I never felt right about us, I was weak and feeble, and feeding on your attention, love, affection, and approval – to the point where I not only did not respectfully and lovingly turn away from a potential start to a relationship for us from the beginning – but I caused you a whole host of ongoing hurt and pain and fear and tension in the time after.
In other words, I was reeling in fear, insecurity, unforgiveness, and hurt…and in addition from the tension inside from knowing we’re not on the same page…yet I was desperately afraid and unable to let you go or turn away.
I was broken and wounded and angry. I was demanding, critical and untrusting, hurtful, abusive, rejecting, and awful in my treatment of you so often. I caused you much hurt and injury in my lashing out with words and emotions and cruelty – and in trying to change you, thinking somehow we could become a good fit.
And when I left Florida, I never, ever expected I would feel so isolated, alone, and detached. And there again I wrongfully pushed for you to be here, and wrongfully pushed for us to get married.I was also wrong and I am so sorry for sinning in a sexual way with you while we were together. This was further destructive toward you. The loving thing for me to do would have been to cherish you and protect you and value you, and honor the Lord in abstaining.
My treatment of you was shameful and it had nothing to do with you, and did not bear any reflection on you whatsoever. But it made clear what was in my heart.If He has not already, I pray the Lord will fully heal you from any and every hurt, from any effects of my sin against you, and that He will restore everything that was injured or lost. I pray He will work what I did that was evil for your good. I pray He will give you the grace to forgive me and be completely free from it all. I pray you will be filled with His grace and love and joy and peace that passes understanding. I pray you will be blessed in your heart and in your soul. I pray the Lord will make His face to shine upon you.I am sorry for the ways I hurt you, for my treatment of you, and for what you suffered in the process. If I could go back, I would treat you with love and respect and honor, and make very different choices.
I am so sorry and I pray for your forgiveness, though I know full well I do not deserve it.
Stephen

I wanted to respond SO badly .... I wanted to 'put up my dukes' and finally come to blows. I wanted to let him know that his email was still showing that nothing has changed. He took none of the blame ... pretended that he tried to end things, blah, blah, blah. But ... I did what I had intended all along - I deleted and left it. I was just now deleting all of my sent email and that is the end of Stephen. Forgiven .... but not ever forgotten.

33% done

Well, I have made it into the second trimester. Gained 6 pounds so far (three in each boob, I swear). Spent the past two months walking around feeling like I was going to vomit at any given moment (but never happening) and needing to eat every two hours to avoid the vomit sensation (but it didn't help the 'I don't wanna gain that much wait' goal! Also been battling a blood pressure reading that sky rockets every time I go to the doctor's office, so I am doing my best to combat that as well.
Now, I am starting to feel the lovely pull in my jeans and the headaches have started ... who are those people that love pregnancy, cuz I would like to see how they felt!
Trying to figure out now when to tell boss-man ... I just don't see his reaction being an exceptionally excited one. It always all about what affects him and the bottom line. Trouble is: I really don't care!
So, let's hope the queasiness goes away, the announcement goes uneventful and I get some energy back to figure out where my life is going from here!
6 more months!

Update

Remember how I was worried? Yep .... baby number three due July 18.