Weekend recap

Another weekend flew by and to be quite honest, I hardly remember it; we try to squeeze so much into a 2-day period that it just goes by quicker than a person can blink!

Friday night was carry out night. It was cool and rainy and quite frankly, depressing out. We ordered some Go Roma and Big J, E and I sat down to watch Sand Lot (Big J has been bored by "kiddie" movies, so PG movies here we come .... God help me). He loved it.

Saturday morning was "Mommy and boys" morning. We got ready and went to Starbucks over by the train station. Big J tried the sample pumpkin latte and flipped out because it was so good ... I am doomed. We watched the trains and ate our muffins and then walked over to the Farmer's Market. Big J picked out some veggies for the soup I would be making and one of each type of apple that he saw. :) We headed over to the Party Store to start looking for costume ideas: Big J is going to be a cowboy. Little j? Well, he detests hats and hoods so we are trying to come up with an idea that can do without those. Then it was off to Home Depot to pick up some mums to replace the sad looking impatiens on the front porch.

Saturday afternoon I went to a friend's house for a Tastefully Simple party. I ordered just a few things and it was nice to be on my own for a couple hours (until I came home and saw the house in MASSIVE upheaval ... is it that hard to clean up after 2 children for two freaking hours? I do it, why can Dad not do it?!?!?!??). We went to Durty Nellie's (one of my faves) for dinner and the start of the ND game (since my Alma mater cannot seem to win a stinkin football game to save their lives, I will hope that ND can pull out a few wins this season). A bowl of chili and beer started the evening off pretty nicely. Another trip to Home Depot on the way home (only to see Big J run around in the garden center and trip on the gravel and bust up his elbow ... poor little dude!) and then home to the couch to see the end of ND beating Purdue!

Sunday we went to Mass and then to Einsteins to grab some pumpkin bagels and Autumn roast coffee and then we went to my Uncle's house to watch the Bears game and eat some food. The boys behaved pretty well, Big J always enjoys hanging out with his great uncle ... it is his surrogate Grandpa S when we cannot be in Florida!!!!!!

Where did the weekend go????????

So, it is back to the usual crap I deal with Monday through Friday. Listening to bosses whine too much, clients bitch too much and wishing I was inherently wealthy. I am hoping that my week can go by pretty quickly (although, with 2 days - in a row - in this office, it could make for a slow go. At least I am finally getting my hair cut and colored on Thursday. I am embarrassed to go out looking like this any longer!!!!

My goal of the week? Pick out a web hosting company and start building the website. That isn't too lofty of an idea is it?

(Oh yea .... About the Sand Lot movie. So, we reminded Big J about the language used by some of the kids that he watched. He said that he understood. So, on Saturday he was on the phone telling my Dad about the movie and this is what I hear: "so, Grandpa, then the little boy takes the ball and runs away from the dog and yells 'oh SHIT!'" Both my Dad and I stopped, tried to quell our laughter and tell Big J that he shouldn't repeat those words. For the next hour he kept saying, 'Please don't tell Dad that I said a bad word ... I didn't mean too!'")

Find a starting point and go with it

I need to get back into the swing of things - and quickly.



I am falling into the traps of routine .... and I cannot afford that.



I have been talking about getting my business up and running for months now, and I am still not up and running.



I have been waiting on my sister to finalize my logo ... not done.



I have to choose my host company to create my website ... not done.



I have to get the logos made so I can order some business cards ... not done.



WTF?!?!?!??!



How do I expect myself to ever get out of this dead-end, crap-ass job of mine if I do not create a future for myself???



And what is with my utter EXHAUSTION lately? Seriously, I could go lay down at any point in time throughout the day and just pass out.



I feel like I am getting fatter by the day, lazier by the hour and crabbier by the minute. Did I not just go on a "refresher" weekend for myself.



I have to get my act in gear and pronto!!!!!!

Wedding memories and anniversary trips

September 18, 2004 - Our Wedding Day. One of the best, yet scariest days of my life. It was a day in which I married a man I truly loved, and also a day where I knew my life as just "me," ended.



I remember the day as if it were yesterday. It was a beautifully sunny day, we had our mishaps and silly things, but in the end, I loved my wedding and the memories I have from it.



E has never been a hapless romantic. He isn't my Romeo, or Knight in Shining Armour. Some days I wish I had that ... but what E is, and why I love him, is my friend. He is the guy that I can watch football with. The guy that I can take to pumpkin patches, family reunions and movies. He is the guy that I can bitch about girlfriends to. He won't take me to a forest with a picnic basket full of goodies and write me poetry, but he will take me out for a burrito and watch the MLB playoffs with me after we put kids to bed.



Our marriage hasn't been easy, as I have said before. Our roads has been bumpy and scary, to say the least. I have questioned my decision many times. But, today, I am glad that I married him. I am glad that he is the one I am driving down the bumpy road with.



We celebrated our 5th anniversary on our own. We took the boys to my MIL's on Thursday evening. Friday morning we packed up the car and drove a few hours to Galena, IL. We have been there before, celebrating our engagement. It was a nice trip. We didn't do much - that was the nice part!



We spent Friday afternoon walking around town, shopping (he hates that, but he actually did pretty well). We shared an ice cream float at an old-fashioned ice cream parlour. That evening we drove, following the GOS recommendation, down Devil's Ladder Road (HOLY SHIT!!!!! It was like a roller coaster - only in our car and on a dirt path!) to a restaurant overlooking the Mississippi River. My food? Sucked ... but the ambiance was awesome and E really enjoyed the scenery (and his food). After dinner we hung out at the Resort's bar for a bit, he bought me a couple dirty martinis and we watched the end of the Cubs game. It was so cool to just hang out with him again ... like old times.



On Saturday we went back into town for lunch - hanging out at yet, another bar, watching college football and eating. It was so much fun. We hung out in the pool for the rest of the afternoon before heading to our nice Italian dinner (um - I think all we did was eat!).



On Sunday, we got up and went to Sunday brunch (yes, we ate some more) before heading back into town to get the boys and jump back into reality.



All in all, the weekend re-ignited some passion that had been missing from our marriage. Hopefully we can keep it while wandering through our every day life.



Happy Anniversary, my dear.

Some updated pics of the boys

A follow up

50,000 things have been swirling through my head since my run in with Stephen. I have heard various reactions from people about what I should have done, felt, said, etc. I have had the "I should have's" ever since as well.
I have been asked, "was he really that bad?" Um, yes. He was. No, he never hit me, he never laid a hand on me. So, in that sense, he wasn't horrible. But, the fear and guilt that he impressed into my brain and heart hurt worse than a lot of bruises. And the healing from this hurt took years ... sometimes I would have rather been hit, at least those bruises go away.
I have been asked, "why didn't you stop and say something to him. It would give you closure?!" My answer? I have no idea. I was so dumbstruck by the fact that I was standing in front of him that my body went into panic mode. Part of me wishes I would have stopped and said something, figured out if he ruined someone else, or not. I would have liked to find out if Karma has kicked him in the ass. But, then, I think that I am glad that I didn't stop to say anything to him ... with all the thoughts that are running through my brain right now, can you even begin to imagine what I would be thinking about if I had had a conversation with him? Also, Stephen was such a whack job that I seriously think he can convince himself that his past did not happen. I really do think I could have stopped to talk with him and he would either not know who I was or act as if I was just some acquaintance he made in the past. I think that would have stung just as much as his abuse did.
I have also been asked, "did I ever call the girl." I tried. I called a couple times and I always got the answering machine or it would ring and ring. I didn't want to leave a message because 1. I didn't want Stephen to know I was calling and 2. I didn't want her to get in trouble. I wonder about her every once in a while and wish that I could find out what happened and how he was. I wonder what web of lies (or sins of omission) Stephen created to get her to listen and obey. I hope she turned out OK.
I guess, as much as I think that Stephen is a jag bag who deserves to get the crap kicked out of him, I also hope that he has changed. That maybe church has rubbed off on him or something. My guess though? Probably not.
I also know that I feel creepy now. I know that the next few times I go Downtown for work I am going to be on edge, constantly looking over my shoulder. I often look on Google to see if I can find him ... not to talk with him, but just out of shear hope that he gets what is coming to him. I also think that if I ever had the opportunity again, this time I would keep trying to talk with "the girl." I feel like I owe that to anyone who is walking into something blind. We all deserve to know who we are falling for ... and if they cannot be honest about their past, someone should step up and do so. I also wonder, sometimes, who the ex-wife was. I wonder how I could ever find her. I wonder if she has erased Stephen from her memory or if she is haunted by his grip as well....
As my Mom always says, "sometimes life doesn't give us our rewards or punishments, but we always get them when we die." It may not be quick enough for me, but I do know that when God has His opportunity to meet Stephen, it won't go without some time to reflect on the crap that he put people through ... in the name of God.

I think I am about to be sick ...

that is what I said, out loud, to myself as I was walking out of my office building 20 minutes ago.

I got my lunch at noon ... didn't leave till 12:05. I brought a Healthy Choice Steamer meal today, so I had to go out and grab my usual, Diet Dr Pepper. I exit the doors of my office building and turn to go towards CVS and smack dab standing in front of me, looking right at me, is Stephen Gillum (his real name ... I feel NO need to protect this asshole's privacy what so ever). I kept walking, as my stomach was doing back flips, side flips and anything else it could possibly do.

Why am I so disgusted by this piece of crap? Let me share ....

About 12 years ago, while still living in Florida, I had just gotten out of a pretty serious relationship and was heart broken. I went out with some friends and they had brought along a new guy, Stephen. He was hot. We were all drinking and dancing and having a great time. He took my phone number and the following week we spent the day together ... helped him decorate his apartment for Christmas, talked, went out dancing and really hit it off .... Shortly after that we started seeing each other on a daily basis.

About two weeks past and we had already gotten pretty serious and I wanted to go home one evening after work instead of to his place .... Stephen quickly got angry, stating that I was probably going home to see someone else. Stupidly, I mistook this control and jealously to be him liking me so much that I succumbed and went to his place instead.

A few weeks later I got a phone call from him that threw me for a loop. He told a bunch of people at his church about me (he was Pentecostal, I am Roman Catholic) apparently they had told him that I was going to Hell because I was Catholic and that he should dump me. My naiveté kicked in and I was stumped. I didn't say much, but in the end of our conversation, from what I can remember, he said that he wouldn't listen to them.

Flash forward to February, I went on a church retreat with the friends that I met him through. After the retreat Stephen was angry that I had become friendly with the guy friend and took off in anger, leaving me to search for him through his apartment complex. I started to question what I was doing with this guy, but really didn't know how to end things. I had always been the dumppee and wasn't very skilled at being the dumper. A few days later Stephen found out he was being transferred to Chicago. I truly, in the back of my head, thought that this was my way out of things. He would move and we would fizzle.

Ha. For Valentine's Day we took a trip to Chicago to help him find an apartment, (and since I had grown up in the Suburbs it was cool to get back and see the City). When he needed to put a deposit down on his, outrageously expensive apartment, he told me to open my wallet and put it on my credit card (he made TWICE what I was making at the time ... and I was living at HOME). I did. In fact, that whole trip he made me put everything on my credit card. I stupidly agreed.

When we returned I helped him pack and watched him leave.

The Monday he was to start work, a day in the beginning of March, I think, I received a page (yes, I used to have one) to call him. I called him. It had snowed about 6 inches the night before. Stephen knew nothing other than Florida. I told him to put on some boots and gloves and he would be fine (I didn't quite know what else he wanted me to do or say). I was getting ready for work myself. He hung up abruptly.

I then received a few pages in a row ... all with codes (if anyone remembers pagers, you could put the numbers from the telephone that would correspond to the letters you wanted to use ... I guess a precursor to texting). The pages spelled "asshole, bitch, and I hate you."

OK ....

I must have forgiven him because I went to see him at the end of March for my birthday.

The first night I was there we sat in his apartment, which he still had not unpacked, and ate dinner. We started fooling around. He stopped dead in his tracks, looked at my black bra and matching panties (um ... nothing special, just Sears satin sets) and said, "What are you, a whore? I want nothing to do with you. You drink, you go out and dance. You do nothing but sin." He turned over and went to sleep. What I couldn’t understand at all, was … he met me and I was drinking and dancing and having fun … what the fuck changed since then??? The following day, he acted as if nothing was said and gave me implicit instructions that while he was at work I was to unpack his boxes. I did.

While I was there we never went out, I met no one and he kept me in his apartment like it was a hideout. I left the following Monday - my birthday. I had a friend pick me up from the airport and we went to dinner to celebrate my birthday. He tried paging me several times. When I finally called him back, he never said Happy Birthday, he just yelled at me for not calling him back quick enough and accused me of cheating on him and then threw a variety of insults my way.

We broke up for a while and one night a few months later I got a page from him that said (in code) he was thinking of me. This happened a few times until he finally begged me to call him. We talked like friends for a bit and everything was fine. He was coming back to Florida for a visit and he wanted me to hang out. We did ... and suddenly we were back where we left off. I was sucked in again … maybe I never really got out.

One time, while we were out to lunch I had on a T-shirt and shorts. I threw my purse over my chest so I didn't have to hold it. He said "the way your purse is going across your boobs, it makes you look like a slut. Take it off." I did. The next day I was putting on some lipstick and he said, “You are such a whore, aren’t you a child of God? Take that off.” I did. Before he left to go back to Chicago he told me that I should come and move in with him. I told him that the next time I was going to live with someone I would be married. He said ... well then let's get married. We will go to the Court and get married. I poo pooed the idea and went about my life. I didn’t want to tell him that I didn’t want to … I didn’t want him yelling at me or preaching to me.

Stephen would page me numerous times throughout the day while I was at work; if I didn't call back he would get angry. One time I was in a meeting for a few hours and he was enraged. He told me that he talked to people I worked with and that he knew I wasn't at work and that they told him that I was slutting around with other people. He would tell me that he knew I dressed like a slut and he would treat me as such.

This went on for weeks. He would play the religion card, "if you just had strong enough faith, you would just come here and trust that our marriage would work." He would yell at me if I went out at night, "I know you are going out and sleeping with guys, you are such a whore." He would get angry if I was out with my parents and didn't call him back, "You should drop everything when I contact you. God says to obey your spouse." (I often wondered, since when did you become my spouse?)

I was in so deep, and so brainwashed by his maniacal ways that I didn't know what to do. I wanted out but didn't know how any more. Even though he wasn't with me physically, I was afraid every moment that he would call, that he would call me more names or threaten me.

Things finally came to a head the week before Thanksgiving. He wanted me to come visit him for the holiday. My Grandma was coming into town, and quite frankly I just wanted things to go away. I kept telling him no. He blamed his loss of his job on me (I think it was because he spent too much time paging me that he got fired, he claims he quit ... either way, I didn't give a fuck anymore). I remember driving home from work late one night and talking to him on the cell, he shouted at me "I am more important than your Grandma, I am the most important person in the world, you should obey me and come here. We will walk to the justice of the peace and then you will not have anyone else to listen to or be with ... you will be mine."

That was my trigger. I paused. I thought. And with no tears, no fear, no pit in my stomach, I calmly said, "Stephen, I do not want to marry you. I do not want to be yours. I do not want to live with you. I never want to hear from you again."

That was the end. For a few weeks I would get random pages and then it stopped. I was free ..... But then the story started really making sense.

My guy friend and I sat down one night and had a heart to heart (while I was with Stephen he basically cut me off from everyone, I am surprised I had any friends left after the ordeal). He finally told me what he knew about Stephen's previous "girlfriend." (Whom Stephen would only say, "we broke up, that is all you need to know."

Apparently Stephen dated this girl and one day they went out on his lunch hour and got married at the justice of the peace. She moved in with him and he began the control. One day their fighting got out of hand ... he got angry at her and walked out (as he had done to me in the past) and she locked the door on him. He came back and broke the door in (the entire time that he lived in Florida I often wondered why the molding from the front door was just leaning on the wall). Then one night they were fighting in his car and he got pissed at her and threw the car into reverse. He was arrested for domestic battery and she field for divorce. I have no clue who she is, where she ended up or what. The scary part? My sister looked his name up and found his arrest record and mug shot with the Hillsborough County Sheriff.

Want to get a chill? See the guy you were sleeping with, the guy who wanted you to “be his,” on your computer screen with a mug shot for beating up his wife. I often wished my friend had told me these things ... then again, maybe he thought I knew, people who apparently love each other are supposed to talk, right? With Stephen, who knows.

A few months later, I was living in my new apartment and getting my life back in order. I had written Stephen's crap out of my life. I was going out with friends, guys ... I was being a normal 24 year old.

One day my Mom called me at work, she NEVER called me at work. She said, "Lisa, I have to tell you what just happened." My Mom picked up the phone and a girl said, "Is Lisa there?" My Mom first told her that I was at work and that I had moved into my own place. The girl started to get flustered and said that is was really important that she talk to me. My Mom told her that she could take a number and I would call her back. The girl's response, "He would find out. I cannot do that. He would get mad. Can I please have her new number?" My Mom gave her my number.

I knew who it was. I knew Stephen was the "he" this girl was talking about. When I got home and checked my caller ID I was right ... I had received a number from the area code that I knew he was living in. The cycle was continuing. I wanted to call the girl back ... I knew how she found my number .... Stephen never threw anything away ... when I was dating him he had bags and bags of old bills, papers, etc. I was too stupid to investigate ... had I done so, maybe I would have gotten the story about Stephen long before I was caught in his trap. This girl was smart enough to look ... but was she smart enough to leave him? I hope so.

So ... when I saw Stephen today, standing on the sidewalk in his khaki pants and blue dress shirt, rubbing his hands together (without a wedding ring, I might add) like he always had, looking smug and so sure of himself, I felt sick. I felt angry. I wanted to turn around and scream. I wanted to tell him that it took months for me to regain relationships with my family. Months for me to feel safe outside of my own home, away from a phone. YEARS for me to stop looking in the mirror and questioning if I was a slut or whore or dirty. Years for me to trust men again. I wanted to lash out and make him feel everything I had felt, and then some.

I hope he is alone .... lonely. I have no idea if he recognized me ... I know we made eye contact. Although Stephen was so psycho and such a liar that he probably convinces himself that his past never really happened .... I hope I never see him again, ever. But, now, I have that funny feeling in my stomach every time I leave my office ... I wonder how long it will last this time.

Most people think that abuse has to be physical; that you have to have a bruise to prove that you were abused. Sometimes emotional and verbal abuse is just as bad, if not worse. The bruises that one feels in their heart and mind can take years, if not lifetimes, to heal. Stephen is an abuser … maybe he has changed, I pray that he has changed. But, in my mind, he remains an abuser. He is no better than the man that slaps his wife around. He locks you up in a web of lies and truths that he spins until you are so tangled that you cannot escape. He takes away your independence, your passion, your energy. He leaves you feeling worthless. Too bad you cannot get jail time for emotional abuse … he certainly made me feel like I was in jail for a long time. Time that I can never get back … but wish I could.

People often ask me, what is one thing you would change in your life? Stephen is my answer.

Birthdays, Trips and more

Where oh where have I been these past two weeks!!!

Life has been spinning ... sometimes spinning out of control, and I would love to know where my plans always end up ... cuz they are NOT coming even close to completion!

So, let's see .... what have we done, seen, heard and thought of in these past two weeks???

I took some time off (yahoo Mountain Dew!) to celebrate Big J's birthday ... the BIG 4 (talk about where has the time gone??????) It was the Friday before his birthday ... I took him in for his 4 year pictures (I suddenly realized why I never have pictures on here any more ... I am never on my home computer ... where I keep them all ... I will have to create a new post just to do this one thing!). He is such a cool dude now ... I want to just hug him and save him him for future days ... knowing that he won't always be just this cool!!!!

After his pics, we picked up his younger brother and the 3 of us went to CPK for lunch. We had a blast coloring and goofing around. It was bittersweet ... to see how much fun they are ... but to know that it will never be like this again ... 4 and 17 months.

That Saturday was his actual birthday. We took him out for pancakes (they came free for his bday ... we actually had so many free kids' meals I couldn't use them all up!). After pancakes we went to the Framer's Market where he picked out some blueberries, apples and cookies ... it was too fun! That afternoon, Big J went with E to the Bears' game, while little j and I started getting the house ready for the birthday party, and for my parents' visit. So much to do ... and no where NEAR enough time to get it done.

Sunday was the day of the party .... Big J was so hyped. We picked up hi pirate cake (once again ... pics to be posted) and balloons .. and people started showing up at noon. It was a great party.

My parents were getting along with E's parents (it is so nice to see this ... after all of the crap we have all trudged thru for so long. Friends have become like family now. The only issue I had was with Big J's friend's mom. Dude ... watch your effing kid! I swear ... for about a month now, Big J has been coming home from school with talks from his teachers about he and "aggressive one" wrestling, etc. I have been trying to teach him about no hands, etc ... now I know WHO the culprit is.

I stood there and watched Aggressive One slug Big J for no reason. His Mom? GIGGLED. She effing giggled. Freaking blond bitch. About an hour later, Aggressive One took a car and shoved into Big J's face ... once again, she smiled and then, upon seeing my irritation, she said, "Aggressive One ... stop." ... now, if it were my child ... um ... let us not even BEGIN to go there!!!!!!

Anyway, once Aggressive One and his family left (and oh yea ... one more beef .... they have 3 kids, ages 6, 4 and 1 .... Aggressive One is in class with Big J .... what did they give Big J for his presents? A Dora board game and a little baby Tonka truck ... can we say, thanks for the re-gifts???? Big J looked at the game and said, "Mom, Dora is for girls."), the party was great and everyone really had fun.

My parents stayed thru that Tuesday and we all really enjoyed oursleves. They got along really well with E (and vice versa) and I enjoyed their company and the fact that I was not at work!!!!!

On Tuesday Big J left with my parents for his vacation in Florida - he was SO excited!!!

Life has been quiet aroudn teh house without my little dude ... but he is loving every second of his trip. and little j? He is having the time of his little life too. I think he loves having the center of attention for once! He even said a few words ... "melmo" (Elmo) and "oooooonnnn" (moon) ... now if we could just get "MOMMY!!!!!!!"

On Thursday I head down to Tampa to see Big J and I stay thru Tuesday ... can we say PSYCHED???

Why am I psyched?

• I see my sister who can, hopefully, help me nail down my logo for my business so when I get back and I can start to really get moving


• I get to see my "bug" ... I really do miss him


• I get to get pampered by Mom and Dad for a while .......... aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh


• The weather here sucks ass ... serioulsly, Summer is GONE.


• FOUR more days off of work ... I still hate this place

Pics to come soon .... really!!!!!