Attention shoppers ...

To the lady that got all pissy with me the other day while in line Target:
A big EFF YOU! When I have been in line for 15 minutes behind a gazillion people and a new register opens up and they say next customer, you bet your big fat sweet butt that I am moving, since I was the next customer in line. I do not feel that I owe you any apologies for stepping in front of your over-flowing cart that just showed up and tried to butt in front of me and my 3 items. So, your nasty look and your heavy breathing did not make me feel bad. Really, it just made me a bit more thankful that I have manners and would have let you step in front of me if the roles were reversed! Get over it lady .....

To the managers at Dominicks:
I have been shopping at your store for almost ten years now. I tell people that I like your store way better than Jewel, but I do not think I can say that any longer. Is there a reason that you refuse to get your freezers replaced? For 5 weeks straight you have had at least 50% of your freezers cleaned out because they are on the fritz, causing me to have to go to Jewel to finish my shopping. Not so much fun when you have a 4 year old and toddler in tow!!! So, my dear Dominicks managers, get your store fixed before I become a Jewel girl!

To the hiring managers that really do not think:
If I offend someone, sorry (well, no, not sorry ... this is my blog and I will tell you what I think ...period) ... I do not want some gay dude helping me pick out women's underwear, women's skirts ... or anything that touches my body. Are there not enough men's stores to find jobs at? Seriously ... go away. Leave me alone. Let the nice lady help me find lady stuff ...... And, if they aren't gay, why would a dude want to work at Victoria's Secret or The Limited, anyway??

To the men who make the bras:
I know you are men, I know there is not one woman out there who designs these suckers. I went to Victoria's Secret the other day (where I encountered one of the first dudes that was working in a "lady" store) and got measured .... holy boobs batman!!!!! Yeah, VS doesn't make bras that fit my boobs. Ever try and find a freaking 34 DDD (yes, 34 DDD) in a store and not look like you put on your 95 year old grandmother's bra? Ugh. Seriously ladies ... can some creative designer please make a bra that fits and looks good? Is that really to much to ask????

To the marketing world in general:
Honestly, I know we all want to make as much money as we can, but do we really need to have Christmas decorations displayed before we even go trick or treating? I seriously start to feel completely overwhelmed in your stores when I feel like I am two months behind on everything I do. Please RISE UP and become the first store that actually keeps up with the calendar! I bet there would be a few people who would be happy about that!

A letter to my other half

To my dear sweet husband,



I love you. Really I do. But, you are driving me insane! So as to not harbour any feelings for too long, I have made a list of some things that I would like for you to pay close attention to.

• You snore. Actually, you don't just snore. You suck the life blood out of everything in the bedroom until the walls come caving in. I can wake you up, only to have you, 10 seconds later (no exaggeration, seriously, you fall asleep at the snap of your fingers!) snore even LOUDER.


• You are a groper. Dude, for ten years I have told you that walking up to me and effing tweeking my nipples or man-handling my boobs is not effing foreplay, it is not intimacy, it is not sweet. It is irritating and it makes my skin crawl.


• WE made these children together. I should not be the only one changing diapers, waking up in the middle of the night to their cries and screams (probably because you, dear husband, cannot hear them crying because you are shattering the windows with all of your effing snoring.).


• The reason I give you the gift of clothing for every birthday day, Father's Day or Christmas, is not so that I can do less laundry. It is for you to actually look decent when we leave our home. You Bud Light shirt from your college frat days that has holes and stains under the armpits, well, it just isn't appropriate attire for a nice family dinner out (shoot - let's just get this out there on the table, don't wear the mother -effing shirt any more!!!!!0.


• For years you have made comments about my weight. For years I have battled my weight. For months I have been waking up at the crack of dawn to go to a Spin class so that I can get back to my skinny days. Little by little that is happening. I know you hurt your back overseas. I know you are unable to workout. But you have gotten a bit chunky my dear. I love you, but quit thinking you still look like a rock star.... those who live in glass houses babe. Sometimes words come back to bite you in the ass and now you finally know how I felt all those years!


• I love you. Sometimes I do not like you. But, hearing I love you sometimes feels good. It can make your wife happier ... and maybe a bit more ... hhhmmmm ... amorous? SAY IT!

Thank you for listening .... my bitching (for now) will stop .... maybe I will send you a list of reasons I like you some day soon.

Love,

Your wife