A letter to my other half

To my dear sweet husband,



I love you. Really I do. But, you are driving me insane! So as to not harbour any feelings for too long, I have made a list of some things that I would like for you to pay close attention to.

• You snore. Actually, you don't just snore. You suck the life blood out of everything in the bedroom until the walls come caving in. I can wake you up, only to have you, 10 seconds later (no exaggeration, seriously, you fall asleep at the snap of your fingers!) snore even LOUDER.


• You are a groper. Dude, for ten years I have told you that walking up to me and effing tweeking my nipples or man-handling my boobs is not effing foreplay, it is not intimacy, it is not sweet. It is irritating and it makes my skin crawl.


• WE made these children together. I should not be the only one changing diapers, waking up in the middle of the night to their cries and screams (probably because you, dear husband, cannot hear them crying because you are shattering the windows with all of your effing snoring.).


• The reason I give you the gift of clothing for every birthday day, Father's Day or Christmas, is not so that I can do less laundry. It is for you to actually look decent when we leave our home. You Bud Light shirt from your college frat days that has holes and stains under the armpits, well, it just isn't appropriate attire for a nice family dinner out (shoot - let's just get this out there on the table, don't wear the mother -effing shirt any more!!!!!0.


• For years you have made comments about my weight. For years I have battled my weight. For months I have been waking up at the crack of dawn to go to a Spin class so that I can get back to my skinny days. Little by little that is happening. I know you hurt your back overseas. I know you are unable to workout. But you have gotten a bit chunky my dear. I love you, but quit thinking you still look like a rock star.... those who live in glass houses babe. Sometimes words come back to bite you in the ass and now you finally know how I felt all those years!


• I love you. Sometimes I do not like you. But, hearing I love you sometimes feels good. It can make your wife happier ... and maybe a bit more ... hhhmmmm ... amorous? SAY IT!

Thank you for listening .... my bitching (for now) will stop .... maybe I will send you a list of reasons I like you some day soon.

Love,

Your wife