Puffy eyes and a pit in the tummy

So, I had to spend another day out in the field with "the boss." He wasn't too happy with me as I had scheduled a 6:00AM start to cover early shifts at one of my police stations.

Well, we got there, one thing lead to another and we were talking about work, etc. I told him that I am frustrated with the people in my territory (he blew that one off) and that I am working harder than most, and my numbers are below everyone else.

The one positive thing that he had to tell me is that he doesn't know anything else to say to me to help me improve. I am doing everything right. The awful thing - I am about one month away from being put on written probation.

That has never happened to me in my life ... never. It sux.

I know I say that I am ready to say buh-bye to this place ... but I want it my way. Being fired is not how I want to be thought of.

Once I was done at the police station with him, I got in my car and I cried. Like a big fat baby, I cried. I cried down Madison St. I cried down Austin and I cried all the way down 290. When I stopped ... and then thought about it again, I cried some more.

It sux. I feel like a failure. I am not a failure. But, I have no clue what to do to make it better or right.

I remember in 4th grade I got a D on my report card. Now, keep in mind, I was a straight A student ... even after 4th grade, I was straight A student. A "D" was a shocking blow to a 10 year old. What did I get my "D" in? Gym class. Namely, tumbling.

Try being a chubby girl, just hitting those, "I like boys" years, and not be able to do a cartwheel. It was bad enough that I was made fun of. On top of that MS Klinker (yep, I remember the broad's name) gave me an effing "D".

I remember for days walking around pretending it didn't bother me, but going to bed at night and sobbing in my pillow. I do not fail.

I do not get put on written probation.

I do not get fired.

I want to be at home with my kids. But, in order to do that I have to take out time from work. If I take time off of work, I do not have a leg to stand on. I feel like I am failing at both of my jobs. Which one do I save?