Transitions

So, hubby may have a 2nd chance at getting approved for the home based care. If that happens he could be home on a month or so. While this is good news, I cannot help but get a bit of anxiety creeping into the pits of my stomach.

He has been gone for over a year now. Life has been all about me and the boys. That is it. I control the remote, the temperature, the bed, food … all of it. I have had to share with no one. And, quite frankly, neither has he. For one year of our lives we have been “single” again.

The boys have answered only to me … or on the occasion … Grandma or Grandpa. They have been yelled at, scolded, bandaged, comforted by ME. Little j knows no one else.

I am anxious for the transition period that I am well aware of, but afraid of, none the less.

One would be kidding if they thought our marriage was a great one. It has been rocky, and that, at times, is even an understatement. Numerous counseling sessions, books and websites have shown that if he was going to leave, he would have left a long time ago. His insecurities and fears are what drive him in life. I am in hope that this separation and distance has made him realize what he HAS and what he could be WITHOUT. I am scared that the rockiness will return, and get worse, with all the transitioning that we will be doing.

For the first REAL time in our marriage, I am NOT fearful of living my life without him. All those days that he threatened to leave or end our marriage, I not only fought to stay because I LOVED him, but also, because I was scared to death to do it all on my own. Now, I am not. I KNOW I can do whatever I need to do – I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Even on days where my insecurities and crap ass self esteem get the best of me, in the end, I know I can survive.

What does this all mean for US? Hopefully, it means that our marriage will get stronger. We have grown a LOT this pat year. I know that I cannot be afraid to tell Eric exactly what I think and feel. The crap that he goes through will have to be done on his own now … for I am past it. He needs to put grudges aside … become nicer to people, love his family (including his in-laws, which he seems to have issue with) and learn that life will pass him by.

I hope for the boys’ sakes, and for mine, that the transition won’t be TOO horrible. That we both can see each others’ strengths and weaknesses as blessings to each other … and that our lives can start back up again.