My therapy

A few posts back I mentioned that I have been undergoing physical therapy ... My second session was this past Friday and to be completely honest, it is like going to "psycho-therapy," and here is why ....

**** some of this may be TMI for some folks ... but if I can help one person .... well ... then, so be it ****

I delivered little j on March 14, 2008 by a scheduled C-section. I had no complications during birth, nothing that my doctor declared out of the ordinary at all. In fact, everything I felt was the exact same feelings I had when I gave birth to Big J.

While I was in the hospital recovering, every time a nurse came into check on me, they would declare, "Oh my, you are really bruised!" They would then proceed to push on my stomach and send me into the land that makes you want to scream, "give me drugs NOW!"

I wasn't able to see the bruising, since hospital mirrors are conveniently placed to only show you from the chest and up. Upon my return home I was able to finally see myself in the mirror and I was absolutely horrified. My stomach and pelvic area looked as if I had taken my car and run it head-on into a brick wall. I was completely black, blue and yellow. My parents, who were staying with me, saw it and were just as horrified. Obviously the bruising didn't help in my recovery, but I used ice packs and "did my time."

When I returned to the doctor 6 weeks later she didn't understand why I would have bruised but said that everything seemed fine and I was healing normally.

Life returned to "normal." I went back to work, E was still away on deployment and I soon started working out. I remember feeling like my abs just didn't feel "quite right," but, I had just had major surgery and knew that it could take a long time for things to get better.

E returned in March of 2009; one year after little j was born. It was hard getting back into a routine with him at home, relationship-wise. But we tried. One thing I did quickly notice was that sex was no longer fun for me. Actually, sex had become downright painful.

I attributed a lot of this pain to stress, and not having had sex in roughly 14 months! So, I prodded on. 95% of the time, I would "walk away" from sex with infections, bleeding and pain - horrible, excruciating pain. For lack of any better description, I walked away feeling like I had intercourse with pieces of broken glass. There were times even using a tampon caused me grief.

I went to the doctor. They found nothing wrong. Hormone levels were fine. They treated me for yet, another, yeast infection (oral antibiotics this time) and I was sent home.

The pain and infections continued. I was stupefied. E was frustrated. Our relationship was suffering more than it already had been.

I started doing research on the Internet. The only problem with researching sexual/intimate problems is that you can come up with some awful search results! I finally came to an awesome website www.yeastinfectionadvisor.com . I thought maybe I had made a breakthrough.

Basically, from what I read, a "typical" yeast infection that we have all heard about is really just a symptom of a bigger problem inside our bodies. Yeast can be destroying our entire immune system if we don't get it under control. So, I spent a few hundred $$, ordered some good probiotics, herbal treatments, vitamins, etc and really believed in my heart of hearts I was finally going to fix my problems.

I followed all the directions, and since I was away for Christmas, I didn't have to worry about being around E either. After 3 weeks of treatment ... it came time to have sex. The broken glass feeling was gone, no more infection ... but the pain? The pain was still there. Once again, for lack of a better description, it was as if I had shrunk 10 times!

While I was happy that it appeared I solved the infection end of it, I was still baffled by the pain. So, I set up another appointment with my gyno.

I went to my doctor and this time, E came with me. We talked first, about my issues, feelings, etc. I told her about my natural health treatments. E told her about my complaints. She examined me and said that everything looked healthy. She said that she thought she knew what was going on.

She diagnosed me with dyspareunia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyspareunia and vaginismus http://www.vaginismus.com/

While I had no clue what it was .... I was happy to finally get an answer and know that I could maybe start working my way to a solution. She told me that the first line of treatment was physical therapy (AYFKM????) and if that doesn't work ... there is surgery.

Bring on the physical therapy!

I did ask her how I may have "contracted" this - she said it could be from any number of reasons ... childbirth (even C-sections), stress, or constant yeast infections.

My first PT appointment was right before Christmas. I was a bit hesitant about the entire process,but, if I was going to get relief, I was on board! The therapist asked me a lot of questions, I gave a huge history and then she showed me a bit of the techniques I would be going through. None of it was as invasive as I thought. She noticed that all of my tension was held on the left side of my body and said that I am not the worst case she has ever seen. She gave me "homework" and sent me on my way.

My second appointment was this past Friday and this was by far, one of the most eye opening doctor visits I have had in a while. Since all of the PT appointments are scheduled for one hour, we have time to chat while we are going through the therapy. Part of my therapy is her massaging my C-section scar and the ab muscles around the area.

As she was massaging the right side of my body I was doing fine. When she moved to the left side, I experienced pain. Pain like I felt immediately after giving birth. The same pain that I felt every time one of the nurses came in to "check" on me during recovery.

We started talking about the bruising that I had experienced. While I was laying back, I remembered a moment, right after the delivery that I told her about.

Right after delivery, as I was sitting in recovery, a nurse brought little j into the room and asked if I wanted to give him his first feeding. I said of course (of course)! The nurse then went to raise my bed a bit so I could hold the baby. Rather than raising the bed, the nurse hit a button and my bed crashed down to the flat position with a jolt. Because I was still under the heavy influence of drugs, I felt nothing. She asked if I was OK, E (who was in the room) asked if I was OK ... and yes, at that point, I was OK. Guess I wasn't "OK."

My therapist said that I probably experienced major trauma to my ab muscles, possibly tearing them, and never realized it. She said that I was lucky that I didn't have even further internal damage. She believes that I could have had a muscle tear - it healed on its own and massive amounts of scar tissue formed, causing all of the muscles to tighten over time. She said that everything "down there" is connected.

She explained it to me like this. Make a fist. Now release, completely. That is how we should operate. Now make a fist. Just release a tiny bit. That is how my muscles operate.

I finished my therapy and went home with more homework. All weekend long I felt like I was kicked in the stomach. I am obviously going to have to go through a lot of treatment to get this fixed. Hopefully, this therapy can fix it. I wonder ... would I need an MRI to check out my muscles, see if there are any major rips or tears that need surgery? Can simple massaging and PT fix a problem that happened 2 years ago?

Now, I realize that I have been in pain for a while. My abs have always been tender since delivery. More so than with Big J. I can not tighten my belly to save my life. I just thought it was due to a 2nd surgery or what have you. I have been working out like a fiend for months and my abs will NOT get tighter or flatter. I can hardly do a plank (a move I used to be able to do with ease).

I am being optimistic. I am hoping this therapy will finally send me to a good place. That sex will no longer feel like hell. That maybe I can finally start a good relationship with my husband again. That maybe I can finally use a tampon again without struggle. Maybe I will finally be able to get my body into pre-baby shape again.

Ladies, don't ignore your body. You are not crazy. Pain isn't in your head. Don't feel embarrassed to talk to your friends, family members, doctors. This all may be a lot of personal info to give out ... but I can tell you, I thought I was alone on this one. Glad I found out I am not!