So, remember my cryptic post about a week ago? Never mind - false alarm. A little over a week ago I started noticing a lot of cramping - it was still about 10 until my period (I operate like clockwork, I might as well be on the Pill), so I knew it wasn't that. I also noticed that I was extremely exhausted, my boobs ached all the time, I woke up nauseous and I was bloating like never before. What would you think it was?? Yep, I even looked up and saw that my due date would have been December 9. Rather than being a rational (and smart) woman, and going to get an early test, I just kept things to myself and waited for my period to show or not show. So what did I do while I waited? Worried, planned, counted down, practiced how I would tell people, mourned the loss of alcohol for the next 9 months, planned my maternity leave (got excited that I would have all of Christmas at home ... but then got depressed when I thought I would spend the Winter months stuck inside with an infant), and worried about how things would work since I had new Tricare insurance but still wanted to keep my old doctor. Well, sitting in my office last Wednesday (still five days early for my expected period) evening I felt a really large cramp and noticed a bit of blood. Still in my "I am pregnant" mode, I thought, some bleeding is normal. Woke up the next morning and realized, I am not pregnant. I am assuming it was my period since it lasted for about five days. Part of me was relieved - I just got little j into underpants, we changed the baby room into a toy room, I am ten pounds away from my goal weight and I am starting to enjoy the fact that the boys are becoming more and more self-sufficient. The other part of me was sad - no little person to hold and love, little j won't become a big brother, no 12 week maternity leave (hey! no rolling of the eyes ... there should be some benefit to the mommy!) .... I wonder if I am ready for a third or if I am ready to say that I call it quits. E wants two more (he is cracked in the head) and I promise that will not happen. I believe that God has a plan for everyone. I don't believe in birth control, so it is up to me and Him to head down the path chosen for me. We shall see what happens from here ... but for now, it is me and E and the two boys ... 
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Nevermind ....
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2 remarks:
I am already having those battles. A third or are we done? Right now we are still too fresh from the newborn stage (and I still remembery too vividly being pregnant, sick & uncomfortable..lol), so we say "this is it". But neither of us is ready to make that final decision. We figure we are still young (relatively) and will give it a few more years before making the FINAL decision. It's just SUCH a hard thing to say - to be officially done. And I'm not sure if that means we aren't done or we just aren't ready to SAY we are done - lol!
i'm fixed...but there are times when i think WHAT IF...and then I think, dude shut the fuck up what were you thinking. I miss nursing a baby. I miss being pregnant. I miss having a baby. But then my five year old starts being a bossy little shit head and my three year old starts throwing a massive tantrum and I remember babies grow up to be EVIL EVIL EVIL little things....(I love my kids...but fuck five years old is a hard age)
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