Wanting Saturday back ...

Why do the weekends always fly by before you can even blink? Seriously? Mondays and Tuesdays DRAG ... but Sunday evening is here right after you finish your Friday happy hour cocktail!

Friday evening we took the boys to Red Lobster (not my fave choice for seafood, but we had $10 off!). Big J tried crab legs and LOVED em. I thought that was pretty cool. After dinner we went over to yet another car dealership and walked away empty handed. This is getting totally maddening!

Saturday morning E took the boys out for doughnuts while I got a chance to linger in bed for about an hour or so. It was nice to hear SILENCE for a change! We got right to work after that. The handy man got there (only to discover our NEXT debacle form this Money Pit ... the door, floor and carpet in the office are completely rotting away from years of water damage ... they all need to be replaced. ugh). I ran errands and treid to get the house cleaned and organize - not an easy thing when every time I turn around we are taking something apart or redoing it.

We spent 2 hours at Home Depot that night ... much to my frustration. The boys were exhausted, and the cookout that I had planned for us ... well, we started the grill at 10:00. Don't even ask.

Sunday morning started as usual. We all went to my church for Mass and then headed to the Zoo for Mother's Day. The place was PACKED. But, it was an enjoyable day ... Big J freaked out when I took him into the Dino Alive exhibit. I thought he would love it! (Although, when I questioned him later he said that was his favorite part!)

After the zoo, we were all wiped out, so we ordered a pizza and I sat on my but in honor of Mom's Day!!!! (Back to usual now!).

On a postive note ... I have lost another 5 pounds. 20 more to go. The negative note... My last pill was yesterday .... I am nervous, but confident I can do this! Keep your fingers crossed!

Time flies by

So I looked at Big J today and realized: he is a boy. I <know he is a boy .... what I mean is, he is no longer a baby.

We got his haircut on Saturday and when he puts on his little shorts and t-shirt for the new day, he is this little dude wondering around our house. It is bittersweet.

My little Bug as become this person that thinks on his own (ooh - he certainly has a stubborn streak ... I am not quite sure where he got that from *wink, wink*) and comes up with some great one-liners.

Yesterday he told me, "Mommy, I guess I kind of like girls a little bit. But I always like you a lot. I just still don't like pink."

Goofball.

Now if we could just get Little j - my screamer - to talk!

Lather, rinse, repeat ....

I am working. What else do I do? I am working and I hate it.

I know. I sound like a broken record. Most people would probably say to get off my ass and DO something if I hate my job so much.

I DO do something. I look for new positions every day. I am wracking my brain as to what I could do on my own I am not about to jump from a job where I at least have some leverage as to things (loads of vacation days, 401k, etc)to something that is just as miserable but with even less benefits!

I wish I had guts. You know, guts to say, I quit and I am branching out and doing something on my own. I enjoy a lot of things, and do a lot of things well, but are any of them able to sustain a recession and bring in a salary?

Where are those work from home jobs that I know SO many people have? Why am I the one that can never find that "perfect" job?

Blah, blah, blah. The way I feel about this job is like this: when you get in the shower you have a routine, it is a mind-numbing routine: turn on water, wash hair, condition hair, soap up, shave, rinse, get out. Every day with this job I get in the car, drive to a stupid entity, get bithed at by clients, drive home, hear from boss about why I suck, and then I call it a day. Fun, huh?

I have researched different options for a DIY job. I am currently searching for ANY company that would allow telecommuting ... I could take a pay cut - I would save tremendous money without this job .... I only get reimbursed for any miles I drive OVER 50 (I average 75 per day), any money I spend for a client is out of my owon pocket. My cell phone is only reimbursed UP to $50 (they like the number 50, huh?) .... the kids wouldn't have to go to day care as often, my wardrobe would be cut down, no more train passes and parking fees .....

Maybe a miracle will happen soon .... maybe by some freak chance I will run into some person and start up a conversation and find out "WOW" that is IT!!!!!!!

Until then, my routine remains the same ... so the bitching will continue!

Blasts from the past

So, last night I dreamt about my high school sweetheart. It is the umpteenth time I have had a dream about him in who knows HOW long.

It was real ... one of those dreams where you wake up and you expect to talk with that person immediately. So weird. But ... WHY? Why these constant dreams? What does it all represent?

E and I have been getting along well ... so I am not having romantic fantasies about running into my first love and suddenly being swept away.

I must say, it is driving me NUTS. What drives me the MOST nuts is that I cannot find him. In this era of Facebook, I have found 100's of old friends, aquaintances, classmates, cousins .... but ONE person that I have been dying to find out about, as the years have passed by, well, he is no where to be found. I have Googled him, searched for him, asked his old buddies .... he has fallen off the face of the earth!!!1 ARGH!

I dated B when I was 16. I fell head over heels in love. He was the sweetest and most romantic boy I ever knew. He would write me love notes, bring flowers to me at my job, and always made me feel like the most beautiful thing on the Earth. He went to the local public school and I went to the private school. He was a Senior, I was a Junior.

When I was 17 and we were preparing for him to graduate, I remember being so close to him that we were like one person. We fell asleep on the phone every night, we knew everything about each other.

He was my first. It was romantic and beautiful and everything a naive 17 year old would have dreamed of (obviously, looking back, things aren't as "romantic" but for me, at the time, it really was). He had chosen to leave that fall and go away to college. My heart was broken, but he promised that we would be OK.

He broke up with me, over the phone, a month after he left for school (because of some rumors that was told to him by one of my best friends at the time .... another story for another post). I was devastated.

Actually, devastated doesn't even come close to how I felt back then. I was a wreck. Cried myself to sleep every night. Threw up before going school every morning. Walked around like the world has stopped for weeks. It took about 2 months to feel human again ... and that was only after he treated me like shit (looking back, probably to just get me to get over it!)a few times.

We talked once, before I graduated. He explained what had happened. Why he did what he did. I remember feeling better, sad still, but better. Like a gap finally got filled in.

I moved away after I graduated high school, so I never ran into him any more. We talked on the phone once or twice, but I haven't heard from him since.

Oh well, maybe some day I will find his name somewhere ... or someone will have some info. In the meantime, I will just continue to wonder whatever happened to someone who played such a significant role in my life.

On a side note ... I weighed myself this past Saturday ... lost ANOTHER 5 pounds :) I have one more week on the medication and then it is ALL me ... I am a bit worried, but I know I can do it!

Update

Weighed myself again this past Saturday ... another 5 pounds down! That is a total of 9 pounds in 2 weeks. If I could keep this pace up for the last two that I am on the pill, it would bring me to a doable weight to continue on.

I see the pounds coming off the scale, but I do not see a difference in any of my clothes yet ... I am wondering: am I losing inches off my hair? Fingers? Toes? I would love to start seeing the bra changing shape. The waist on my pants get loose .... those are really what I need to see to feel like I am on my way.

This past weekend was nice ... crazy busy, but nice. Friday's weather was AWESOME, so E and I cut out early, ran a few errands and then picked the boys up from school. We went to Durty Nellie's and sat out on the patio. We played in the backyard for a while before the kids went to bed.

Saturday we worked in the yard - in between rain drops. It was EXHAUSTING! We got a babysitter and actually went to dinner ALONE! We went to Pete Millers - one of my faves - and sat in the bar and watched the Hawks game. It was nice ... real nice. I can see that E has been trying to change himself ... which helps me have a different attitude towards him as well. I had a really good time.

Sunday was another day of yard work (and rain) and errands. After Mass we ran to breakfast and saw one of big J's friends. They invited us to a bday party at Chuck E Cheese that evening. Big J had an absolute blast ... (and was pretty peeved when we had to go). It was totally cool to see him interact with a friend. He is like a little person. When people wanted to take their picture Big J would wrap his arm around his friend's back. It made me smile.

So, onto another work week. Gonna try and go to Spin again and continue on the weight loss path. Still wishing I could find a gig to work at home .... anyone know of anything legal? ;)

Progress

So, it has been one week on the Phentermine. Most days I don't even notice that I am taking anything; and there are a few where I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin!

My appetite has been cut in half, if not more. Seriously, I used to walk around all day thinking about food. Now? Yea, not so much. I realize I am full much more easily than before. I am more cognescant of what I eat and how much. Snacking has completely been diminished.

I lost four pounds as of Saturday - and that was during teh week of my period, when I normally am five pounds heavier.

I also started back to Spin class on Monday. I know E hates that he has to get up with Little j (since the kid REFUSES to sleep past 6), but I need this. And, once I was on that bike, I realized how much I really missed going all of the time!

Three more weeks of my "help" and then I am on my own ... I would LOVE to REALLY make progress these few weeks so that I am ahead of the game.

WTF?

How is it that E was gone for 14 months and, looking back, I actually had MORE time to MYSELF than I do right now?

I swear. He freaking now works from home - so when I come home, there he is. On nights that we have nothing planned, we are doing some effing project or cleaning something, or putting something together. When I DO have time to myself, it is actually spent cleaning the effing messes that everyone around here makes: dishes, laundry ...

If I don't get a few hours to myself in this house ALL BY MYSELF I am going to crack. Seriously. I am talking full out mental breakdown.

I.am.going.insane!

Who cares?!?!

I may be a little late in this line of thinking. But I have NEVER understood the whole Presidential Pet thing.

Who gives 2 craps if they have a cat named Socks or a freaking poodle named Cocoa?

Does anyone give a shit if my boys have a pet? Nope. So why should I give a crap about kids sitting up inside the White House with a mother that thinks she is a gift to all womanhood??????

Seriously. We are in a recession. This President claims that he "understands." Yet, we are focusing on a freaking poodle, rather than people getting laid off, Somalian terrorits (yea, Pirate is a complete joke), Iranian "peace" talks ... and the list goes on.

I do not care about the freaking White House puppy I hope he poops on the Oval Office rug.

And it went by in a flash

Phew. I am tired! Holy week and Easter have always been a busy time in my family ... but now with work, 2 kids, a husband and a home "under repair" I feel like the past 4days have been a blur!

Big J came with me to Good Friday service. He was actually a very good little boy. He slept through the Passion. And was exceptionally quiet throughout the service. He LOVED going up to venerate the cross, and even made me take him up at the end so he could do it again.

I spent that evening baking the lamb cake and pound cake (all the while hanging out with a friend) ... pics to come soon.

Saturday morning Big J was overjoyed that we were going to food blessing. I love that tradition. We prepared our baskets and he was so proud that he got to carry his own. He piled it high with eggs and candy and bunnies. As soon as the food was blessed, he turned to me and said, "now I can eat it all, right?" LOL!

I cooked more food on Saturday and became increasing aware that I was going to have way to much ... but you cannot buck tradition!!! ;)

As I was getting ready for Easter mass, Big J came into the bathroom. He looked at me and smiled. He said "Mommy, you are beautiful. Princesses are beautiful. You are a princess." *tears - lots of tears* We went to Mass on Sunday morning. It was nice... E came too. His family got to our house around 2:00. I truly don't think I ever sat down yesterday. Seriously.

Here was our menu:
Asparagus Roll-ups
Smoked Salmon spread
Tangerine glazed ham
grilled Polish sausage
wedding noodles (egg noodles with cream of chicken soup)
Spring pea salad
Spring marshmallow Jello salad
Ginger Lemon Steamed veggies
Sauerkraut
Pineapple Upside Down Cake martinis
Lamb Cake
Pound Cake

I think I fed an army!!!! ;)

I had to be in the office all day today ... and I will tomorrow too. :( Such a rough start to the week!

By the way, I had my follow up doctor appointment on Thursday afternoon. She prescribed Phentermine to me for 30 days. Its a stimulant and she is hoping this might jump start my metabolism and get the pounds off. After that, I am to go it alone for 5 months. At that point, if I am having issues still, she wants me back.

Wish me luck!

I want to be ....????

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Shoot. I wish I would have been one of those kids, whom, when asked this question, would TOTALLY know what they wanted to do. You know the types: "Susie, what so you want to be when you grow up?" "I want to be a doctor."

Yea. That wasn't me. What did I answer? A rock star. A freaking rock star. THAT was a brilliant idea.

Actually, what I always knew, was that I just wanted to be my Mom. I wanted to support my husband, raise my children and take care of our house. I knew that from way back. But, suddenly that became un-cool. You HAD to pick something.

So, I went to a college prep high school. I was smart. Not genius smart ... but A's and B's (at Benet Academy that aint no slouch). I was ranked 57 out of 312 when I graduated. Yet, still, I didn't know what I wanted to do.

My Dad had always promised us that we could go where ever we wanted to go for school. He would pay for 4 years and 4 years only. I had friends going to Notre Dame, Duke, schools that cost arms, legs and bodies. After thinking about it (and being the world's BIGGEST chicken shit), I figured it was stupid to pay $50,00 a year for something that I had no clue what to do. State school would be fine for me.

UCF was great. I am proud of my school, and getting prouder. But even after I started, I STILL didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Stupid me, even though I was VERY good at math and writing, I was sick of them, so I picked a major based on NOT having to do those things.

Criminal Justice degree here I come. Could I have been any more retarded? I wanted to "help" people. Duh. Whatever.

I graduated. And STILL didn't know what I wanted to do. My first job was at Best Buy because I couldn't find anything I wanted to do. Real impressive to tell the folks that want you at a 5 year reunion (thank God I lived in Florida at the time).

I finally got a job in my field working at a children's treatment center. Basically, I was an underpaid, overworked babysitter. These kids, mostly juvi kids, were nuts. I spent most of my days putting kids in holds, tackling them when they were trying to run and stopping hall riots. The day I broke my finger was when I had had enough.

I saw an ad in the paper to be a customer service rep at T Rowe Price. No experience needed - they would train you - you just needed a degree.

I got the job and it felt good to put on "work clothes" and go to work. But I still didn't feel it. For some, this was their dream job, getting their foot into the door in the financial industry. I just knew it was a good paycheck and I wasn't getting spit upon.

I moved from T Rowe to where I am now (it will be 10 years in June). I have enjoyed certain aspects of my career. But, as most of you have read from my previous posts, I hate most of it.

I am constantly trying to figure out what "job" would make me happy. I want to do something for myself. I know what I enjoy. I know what I am good at. But can they make money?

The biggest question for me is this: will I have time with my children. I didn't have babies only to drop them off to be in someone Else's hands 50% of the time.

What do I want to be when I grow up? I still think I know my answer. The pay isn't great. It is a dirty job and you NEVER get vacation. But the rewards are Heavenly. I want to be "mom."