Lent turns into Easter ... with some bumps along the way.

If you have gotten anything out of my blog thus far, you should probably note that I am a fairly religious person. While I make mistakes (my potty mouth, my easily triggered anger, my opinions that can be downright rude), I really do try to do the right thing.


I actually am trying to use Lent for what it was really for- a cleansing. And Easter - a renewal. I am trying to curb that potty mouth and that temper.


I was truly tested this past week - actually right at the very start of the Holy Triduum, Holy Thursday.


In March, I asked E if we could have Easter at our house this year and he agreed. Lately we have been going to my Grandma's and I knew he would want to stick around this year. He asked his mom and sister, about a month ago, and they agreed as well. I said that dinner would be around 2:00, since neither one of them attend church and I didn't want to have to rush through our real reason we celebrate on that day.


Earlier last week, both MIL and SIL called to see what they should bring and everything was set. I did my grocery shopping, had my menu set and knew that on Holy Thursday I would begin my Easter prep.


As E and the boys and I were sitting at dinner on Thursday evening, the phone rang with the MIL's number on the caller ID. E answered. FIL proceeded to tell him that he would not be coming on Easter, as he found out that he had a broken rib and the doctor told him not to go anywhere (????????). He also then told E that we probably should just cancel Sunday because SIL and her fiance weren't coming either (once again: ?????????).


E got off the phone and he was puzzled. I was pissed. This was typical of his family ... and cancel Eater Sunday - whatever!!!!!


E calls MIL who appears to be stupefied about SIL and irritated at FIL for saying anything, she had still been planning on coming.


E then called SIL and the family fight began.


SIL said that she and fiance were starting a home improvement project that very evening (floors and walls) and thought that if they had gotten on a roll and Sunday rolled around, they would rather cancel with us so they could finish. She figured she would just call on Saturday eve or Sunday morning and let us know.


E unleashed on her (I was able to hear his end of the conversation). He told her how completely class-less this was. How could she even imagine it was OK to call someone who had been planning a special meal, the night before/morning of, and cancel. He told her that I was already starting to prepare food and that this wasn't just some cookout or casual dinner - this was Easter Sunday and it was important to our family. She started in about how I never truly invited her, which meant that it wasn't that important, blah, blah, blah and he cut her off. He let her know that he was disappointed in the fact that she used to go to church and value things like that until her fiance came into the picture. He told her that he didn't want to explain to his kids, who were basically gong to be spending the next 4 days in church, that their Aunt was cancelling on Easter because she was doing home improvement with her fiance who "doesn't believe in that religious stuff." She said a few more things, he then told her that he didn't care (which upset her even more) and he hung up.
I was fuming. FUMING. She tried to throw me under the bus! She "didn't get an invitation??????" Since when did we do anything formal in this family?!?!
E told me to continue with my plans and we would be better off without them. He called his Mom and told her that we would have our Easter meal as a family and if it worked out, we would bring them some desserts that afternoon. So, I went on with my business.
I took Big J with me to Holy Thursday adoration. It was cathartic. When we got back I finished some more cooking and watched the end of the Blackhawks game.
On Good Friday, I continued my cooking and took both boys to the Passion service at church. It was moving and exactly what I needed to remind me why we were preparing meals and Easter baskets in the first place!
When we returned from church there was a message from SIL asking E to call her because "they both had said things they didn't mean." I thought to myself, yes, you said things you may not have meant, but E meant every word he said.
The boys and I met E for our Good Friday pizza and then went home to color Easter eggs. He tried calling SIL back, but had to leave a message.
Saturday morning, I took the boys to Easter Food Blessing at church, a Polish tradition that I can remember participating in since I could walk. The boys loved it. E was working on painting our garage that day, so I continued my Easter prep, took Big J to baseball practice, watched the Bulls blow Game 4, and started to look at my schedule for Sunday. I realized there was no way possible to make it down to see his parents .... by the time our ham was done in the oven, sliced and on the table, it would be 2:00 at best. We would never make it to their house before 4:00 .... and we had school/work the following day, and, a Blackhawks game that evening at 6:30. He agreed and called MIL. She said they were still going to try to make it. I wasn't going to hold my breath.
That evening, I met my girlfriends for dinner and then I went, all by myself, to the Easter Vigil. I loved every second of it. It was so peaceful, so refreshing. Watching six people choose to become Catholic and seeing the joy on their faces brought me to tears.It was an incredible way for me to start my Easter celebration. Thank God I planned on going .... I could not have asked for anything better.
When I returned home, E told me that SIL finally called back. She said she was sorry and she didn't realize that Easter was so important to us (?????). She said she would try to make it but would call in the morning to let us know. E said that he never apologized. :)
After that, I grabbed a glass of wine, got out the boys Easter baskets and enjoyed knowing Lent was over and Easter season had begun.
Sunday morning was spent watching the boys dive into candy and puzzles, attending church and coming home to get dinner prepared.
MIL called around noon to say that they definitely were not coming. SIL never called.
My girlfriend came and joined E, the boys and I for a wonderful Easter dinner: orange glazed ham, grilled Polish sausage, Polish wedding noodles, lemon green beans, citrus glazed carrots, Spring pea salad, Spring green jello salad, Tri-color pound cake, Lamb cake and Lemonade Fluff (oh yea, and some of our blessed Chardonnay!!!!!). Around 3:00 I was stuffed, exhausted and ready to chill.
My girlfriend left, E and I took the boys out back and played tag. By 6:00, both boys had passed out and E and I sat on the couch and watched the Hawks win their third game in a row to bring on a Game 7.
All in all, it was a very blessed Easter weekend. I still feel like I can continue my mission to become a better person in God's eyes .... I still feel the joy from that Easter Vigil. Which is why, this whole MIL/SIL/E thing really hasn't bothered me. What needs to happen will happen .... I know that our family will do what God wants ... and that is all that matters to me.

Happy Easter!

Peace.

My parents came to visit this past weekend. I am always so nervous before they visit because I never know how E will behave. Past visits have been ruined with comments made, insults thrown, or just rude behavior on E's part. Many nights have been spent fighting in loud whispers, so my Mom and Dad wouldn't hear, with me usually ending up in tears. My Mom and E are like oil and water (yet, they are so much alike). They just love to pick on each other, but neither one feels like they do anything wrong to the other. E thinks she is opinionated (she is ... but she is my Mother). She thinks E is self-centered and rude (he is ... but his is my Husband). My Mom is a staunch Catholic. E loves to tell people why that is wrong. My Mom loves the Bucs and Rays. E thinks the only team on Earth is the Bears and loves to shove that down people's throats. My Mom likes to be my mom. E thinks they treat me like a child. In the end, as excited as I get to see my parents, I am also anxious as hell. This weekend was such a wonderful blessing, I can hardly explain how I felt. E hung out with us. My Mom never made a comment or remark. We discussed sports, life, politics and I never heard a complaint from E as a laid my head to rest each night. We watched basketball together, went out to dinner together .... we had fun. As I was driving them back to the airport on Monday morning my Mom told me that she really enjoyed the visit and that she and my Dad both noticed that E was more relaxed on this visit and he was a joy (a joy?!?!?!?!?) to be around. E said he felt the same way. Glory glory hallelujah! We are all going down to Florida in May to attend my nephew's Baptism ...and for the first time in years, I am not nervous to have E join us on this trip. Prayers work ... they just take time ... and I will continue to pray that things only get better from here!

Lullaby and Goodnight

What is a girl to do?

My 4 year old has decided that going to bed is no longer easy for him. He is no longer tired. He no longer needs more than 8 hours of sleep. Ugh.

E hasn't been helping at all for the past few months. While he was overseas and at Ft Bragg, Big J was a prince when it came to going to bed. We had this great routine. Teeth, potty, book, nightlight, sound machine, prayers and then "goodnight." If he couldn't sleep, he was allowed to go read a book near his nightlight, but no getting out of bed and wandering around to find Mommy or tell her "just one more thing."

Well, E has decided that laying with Big J is a good thing. the issue? E doesn't just lay there. He sleeps. There are some nights that I will go to check on him and Big J will be awake while Daddy is sleeping. WTF?

Big J is a great negotiator. he loves to see if Daddy can "stay with him," or read "one more book."
I have talked with E about this situation ... I know Big J won't be 4 too much longer and some day he won't want us to stay. But if we ever want sanity around here, or time to get chores done or, gasp, "Mommy/Daddy time," our children to need to go to bed at decent hours.

So, last night, little j went down at 7:30. Fine. Big J was in bed at 8:00. He came down at 8:30 while we were watching our DVR'ed episode of 24. We told him to go up. He peed at 9:00. We heard him walking around at 9:30. When we were going to bed at 10:00 he was still wide awake. Ugh.

So ... starting today. No caffeine after 4:00. None. i don't care who is drinking pop he wants to try. I don't care how much chocolate is on display for dessert. No caffeine for you! Also, on weekends, especially Sunday when we know we have to get up for work/school the next day, no nap.

Wish me luck on this one. I need some ALONE time. I need some "I get to watch whatever I want on my TV" time. My children need to sleep better and become the good kids I know, not the cranky ones that have been around lately!

Please keep your hands inside the ride ...

My life is a roller coaster. This statement, I know, is nothing that should surprise me, or anyone else for that matter. I have highs and lows, good days and bad. Some days I want to get off quicker than imaginable; and some days, I hope the ride slows to a halt so that I can enjoy it just a bit longer.

Having my baby sister in town this past weekend was awesome, yet, at the same time, it sucked.

Why was it awesome? We chat, eat, shop, laugh til we pee .... we play Wii Fit until 2:00 am. She loves my boys and wants them to grow up right. She gives me a break. She understands why I have cut "friends" out of my life, why I hate my job and why I talk like I have ingested 6 or 7 espressos.

Why did it suck? My husband cannot seem to grasp how to be a social creature, especially with family. My sister likes to voice her opinions, no matter what the repercussions. My sister and my husband fight like cats and dogs. My sister and my husband make me cry (note: apologies always come later and the fights always get resolved). My sister had to go home.

So, I am getting back on my aforementioned roller coaster of a life .... it is a Tuesday in the office, and quite frankly, we could zoom ahead on this ride any time.

2009 recap ... 2010 preview

Seriously, where does the time fly to? Is there a place in the great big blue sky of ours that sucks up your vacations and weekends and spits our weekdays back out at us? Last time I blinked it was Thanksgiving. Now, it is January 5 and I have no clue how I ended up here and where the month of December has gone!

Christmas was a beautiful holiday - it always is, no matter where we are or who we are with.

The few days prior to Christmas I spent time getting things done. I worked that Monday - E had to go to attend a funeral of his Uncle - so I had the boys in school. I kept them in school that Tuesday as well, and I took a day for myself. I spent most of the morning at physical therapy (will explain that in a later post), ran to Target, DSW (got a cute pair of black boots), and met a girlfriend for lunch, that included a nice glass of wine. I was planning on getting all of my wrapping finished that afternoon, but the snow needed to be shoveled and E was still gone.

Damn snow.

The boys and I spent our first day of vacation at home. We chilled on the couch,baked and decorated Christmas cookies, wrapped Christmas presents and then spent the evening (and into the night) at my Uncle's house (lots of wine ... and some Prohibition era Whiskey was ingested by yours truly!). I am always so glad to have he and his wife so close to me ... it gives me a flavor of being with my Dad, without being with my Dad.

Christmas Eve was a short day - we went to 3:00 Children's Mass. It was nice - not powerful Midnight Mass nice .... but when they had Santa come down the aisle and silently lay presents in front of the manger I shed a few tears!

That night, E, the boys and I enjoyed a quiet evening at home. We watched some Christmas movies, I made some roasted turkey and potato soup, a few martinis for myself ... it was enjoyable. I did miss my family ... but I always do, so I didn't let it stop my nice time. I stayed up late, drank some more adult beverages and wrapped all of Santa's toys.

Our tree looked like it exploded at that point.

Christmas morning was awesome. Actually, that was the word of the day, "awesome." Everything that Big J opened was "awesome" and "just what I asked Santa for!" ... it was too cool. Little j just wanted to play with stuff ... thankfully, since Big J had just a few more gifts to open than he did!

After all was said and done our living room looked like a Toys R Us and puked all over the floor! No one was let down this Christmas.

Oh yea - I got my Wii fit! I haven't had a chance to use it yet ... but it is on my radar!

E's parents and sister came up for dinner that afternoon. We exchanged more presents and enjoyed the evening.

That Saturday I took Big J to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert. Hands down - best concert I have ever attended. He loved it (slept through about an hour of it - but loved it just the same). Before the concert we went out to lunch at Harry Carrey's ... he got a cheeseburger bigger than his head ... it was sweet to be out with my big dude, just he and I.

We got to talk to Grandma and Grandpa and Aunties from Florida that night via webcam for Christmas. Big J showed off all of his new toys and little j kept looking behind the laptop to see how everyone got there! It was priceless!

The next day was "let's get organized day." All new toys were added to toy bins or new bins were created. Some old toys were added to the donation pile as well. I couldn't take the chaos any longer ... I needed to see my floor once again!

The next few days were spent hanging out, going to kids' play places, breakfasts, lunches, dinners .... while it is stressful to be a stay-at-home-Mommy ... I loved it. I loved devoting my time and energy to my little guys.

I did have the opportunity to escape one evening to meet up with a "friend" from high school. I use the term "friend" loosely to describe N. I don't really think I ever even spoke to her in high school. As a matter of fact, I would be hard pressed to figure out if we even shared a class! Well, through this Facebook thing, we have been chatting back and forth and decided that it was time to chat over adult libations.

She was visiting her folks and we met one evening for a couple beers. It was a BLAST. I wish she lived closer to me so we could do this as a regular thing ... but I have a feeling we will be meeting up quite a bit in the future, even in spite of our distance.

It often makes me wonder. Why wasn't I friends with her in high school? Did we have this much in common and not realize it? Or, did we grow and mature and become who we are now over time? It certainly makes for good conversation.

Anyway .... New Years crept up on us. We took the boys over to friends' house. They played in their basement with their kids while the "big people" sat upstairs and chatted and drank. We celebrated a "midnight" around 10:00 for the kids and then headed home. Big J stayed up with E and I until the "ball dropped" ... I crashed after ... he and Daddy stayed up until 1:00?!?!?!??!

How does a 4 year old do that??

The rest of our vacation was nice. I spent a lot of quality time with Big J and little j and going back to work sucked. But, I did it and I am looking forward to my next time off with the boys.

So ... as I reflect on the past year ... there were highlights and low lights:

• E finally made it home last March.
• Little j is walking, talking and terrorizing his Mommy ;)
• Big J has become a little boy, full of attitude and passion.
• I lost 30 pounds (woohoo!); only 30 more to go!
• I read books throughout the year - like I wanted to.
• I named my business, started my website and got a plan in place.
• I created deeper bonds with some, broke some with others and continue to learn about myself through them all.

Things I want to accomplish this year (call them resolutions if you will):

• Lose 30 more pounds.
• Get my pictures either in scrapbooks or in plain old photo albums ... just as long as they are displayed somehow.
• Clean up my potty mouth. I talk like a trucker. Not good.
• Deepen friendships; make more time for them.
• Deepen the relationship with my husband. Sometimes I feel more like his roommate than his wife - I want more than that.
• Enjoy the time with my children more ... work is not that important. They are.
• Pray a rosary at least once a week.
• Strengthen the relationship with my parents ... seems that they are a bit guarded lately and I don't like it.
• Visit my grandmothers more often ... who knows how much longer they will be around.
• Curb the complaints ... life aint that bad.
• Get my company up and running ... get a few steady clients.

There you have it .... let's see if I can stick to it!

It's the little things

When I got home this afternoon, I had flowers waiting for me on the kitchen counter.



They are beautiful.



Uh oh ... do you think he read my blog?! ;)

Disdain

I hate my boss.

Seriously. I don't mean I dislike him. I mean, I truly hope he trips on a crack in the sidewalk and falls in front of a bunch of onlookers and rips a hole in his little freaking khaki pants.

I know, bad Catholic, right? Sorry. I am sure I will go to bed tonight, say my prayers and ask God to forgive me, but for know. I hate the man.

The man is truly inept. He has no clue what I do all day (yet pretends to know all). He has no idea how to treat a customer (yet tries to teach me). He has no idea how to manage people (yet he gets paid 6 figures to act like it).

C'mon people. Who lets these people climb corporate ladders anyway? Its like the athelete who makes it through college but never learns to read. What the hell happens?

I have asked him for two weeks now, that I need to speak with him regarding some troubles I am having with my territory. His response? (same as always, I don't know why it upsets me, it is on freaking repeat) "I am so busy, we will talk when you are in the office next." Well, dipshit, I have been in the office three effing times since we spoke and, um, yeah, that's right, we still haven't discussed anything.

I was in the hellhole, oh, excuse me ... I was in theeoffice yesterday since 8:00. He was there most of the day too. He KNOWS I leave at 4:25 in order to get the elevator (our building is so old that a man stands downstairs and pulls rope to bring the elevator up to you ... really, I swear!) and make it to my train in time to get the kids before day care starts to charge $$ for minutes that I am late. So ... this brainiac shows up at my desk at 4 freaking 20 to discuss his time out in the field with me from last week.

Of course, these discussions are never positive, not for me, anyway. My numbers are all below average (well, maybe if my coworkers weren't hanging out in my territory all week, those averages might turn around a bit), I suck, blah, blah, blah.

He asks if I have questions and I think to myself, "OK, asshole. I ask you for all kinds of shit all the freaking time. You sit here and ask me if I have questions. Um, will you answer these questions, or will you tell me that you will have time to answer them in the year 2011?" So, I respond with a terse, no and head off to my train ... which I miss. Fuck.

I know when I chat with my husband about it I will get the world's greatest PC answer (same that I always get). "He is your boss. We need the salary for a while longer. Is there anything that you can change ..... (insert what you want here: elevator music, the 'wah wah wah wah wah wah wah' sounds from Charlie Brown, Seinfeld's 'yadda yadda yadda', etc .... I certainly do).

The fact is. I am busting my fat tail. Seriously. I used to goof around. Putz my day away and wonder why I wasn't cutting it. That all changed. I used to work out in the field a max of three days a week (with the old boss, as long as you were at your goal, it didn't matter WHAT you did, as long as it was done), I now work five. I bring home LESS than 50% of my salary because I have to pay day care for five days a week. I am busting my hump, while coworkers sit around and watch $$ roll in because of their territory or their hook-up with the boss (yes, there is that going on too). I won't do it.

I won't steal or cheat to get my numbers up. I won't stab people in the back to make myself look good. I am better than that. So, if I get fired. Tough shit. Would it be a blow to the ego? Hell yeah. Would hit hurt financially? Right now, yes. But - I would survive.

Do I hate my boss? Yes. I do. OK ..... maybe not hate ...... but please, don't ever ask me to say anything nice about him, because I have nothing ... my mind draws a big flat blank.

I need a PERMENANT VACATION!

Another glorious 4 1/2 day weekend has come and gone way too quickly.

Thursday was another early start for me. I was up and out of the house by 5:15. But ... DONE with my appointments at 10:00!

So, I spent most of Thursday mowing the lawn, weeding, etc. I also got the house prepared (somewhat ... with all of our demolition and construction mess, it wasn't so easy!) for my parents arrival on Friday.

I met a girlfriend for coffee after Spin and grocery on Friday morning, and I realized just how much I loved creating my own schedule. This was how it used to be before I was thrust into this 24-7 work role. I talked about my future endeavors with her and it felt good to be talking about something for myself.

I went home, cleaned the rest of the house, got the boys ready and headed out o the airport to pick up my Mom and Dad. Big J was so excited he could hardly sit still. They arrived, we headed to Corner Bakery for a snack and then home to hang out. The boys were ecstatic.

Unfortunately, E had to work at a nearby Summer festival that evening, so it was just my parents and I with the boys (maybe that was a fortunate turn???!). We decided to fore-go dinner out, we ordered a pizza, opened a bottle of wine and enjoyed out evening. I miss them being around!

We had the wedding on Saturday ... my MIL came to watch the boys for us. We had a good time - realized that some of my extended family really and truly are TPT ... but, then again, I think we have known this all the time! E and my parents actually got along quite well this trip ... that was LOVELY! I crashed in my parents' room since I drank a few throughout the day.

On Sunday we took the boys to the Festival that E was working at ... I let Big J ride a few rides and hang out with E and then we headed to the house. When E got home we all cleaned up and headed out for a nice Italian dinner.

The boys behaved BEAUTIFULLY ... I think I stole someone else's children for the evening! It was such a nice night out for all of us ... it was a shame to know that my parents were leaving so quickly in the morning. :(

Big J had a horrible time dropping off Grandma and Grandpa at the airport. I do believe his words were, "I want my Grandma and Grandpa back!" He sobbed with his head in his hands ... heavy, adult-like sobs. It truly broke my heart.

I had decided that since these good-byes were getting harder each time, to take the day off. When we got home I put little j to bed, filled up the pool and Big J and I had a pool-side day. I grabbed a beer, some Doritoes and watermelon and we ate junk food and swam and burned our shoulders to a crisp. It was simply AWESOME.

At the end of the day I thought about it all and realized that is what I want. I want to be there with my kids ... more than just a vacation day every few months. That is why I want to create the new business. That is why, even if I get fired, I will not miss my hellish job. My kids. They drive me nuts and I want to strangle them some times.... but mostly. I love being around them and just being Mommy.

I so hope something starts to culminate soon. I need to get hot. As I sit here in this hell-hole of an office, taking phone calls that no one else can take and watch my children on the day-care-cam, I realize that I have grown to truly and 100% hate this place. I can honestly say that I have no friends here anymore. The ones that I did have? Well, after seeing that they have stolen business from me and talked shit? I have no friends. I work for myself and that is IT. Its funny how something so great can become so bad in such a short period of time.

I know that the right thing will happen at the right time. I just hope it is soon. I am ready for a permanent vacation from this place ... and I want it to be on MY terms ... not theirs.

That new car smell .....

I am a bad blogger. I used to blog every day ... now it seems that the only time I have to do so, is when I am in this stinkin office!

Oh well .... life is still crazy. We got the carpet installed in our (home) office on Saturday ... and ... we finally got our car!!!!!



It is a black AWD Chevy Traverse. We couldn't get the sunroof that we wanted, but we can always grab it after-market. We bought it on Saturday ... walked into the dealership at 3:00 ... out by 4:00. E did most of the ground work over email. We got it to the price that we wanted.

I haven't driven it yet ... E wants to wait to speak to insurance. I know ... we are covered, but if you have learned anything about me through this blog ... you know that my husband is an anal, control freak. And, since he is out of town all week, I am not to drive the new car.

Whatever. I am just glad that it is done.

Now I just have to worry about turning my Accord in without getting raped with charges. I know that I am over my miles ... I am a bit worried about the new tires (they are not the same brand as the originals) and I have a few scratches here and there.

Typically, I wouldn't be worried, but since we are not leasing/purchasing a new one from Honda, I am hoping they won't be sticklers.

Knowing our luck ... I am going to get hammered!!!!!

Update

Weighed myself again this past Saturday ... another 5 pounds down! That is a total of 9 pounds in 2 weeks. If I could keep this pace up for the last two that I am on the pill, it would bring me to a doable weight to continue on.

I see the pounds coming off the scale, but I do not see a difference in any of my clothes yet ... I am wondering: am I losing inches off my hair? Fingers? Toes? I would love to start seeing the bra changing shape. The waist on my pants get loose .... those are really what I need to see to feel like I am on my way.

This past weekend was nice ... crazy busy, but nice. Friday's weather was AWESOME, so E and I cut out early, ran a few errands and then picked the boys up from school. We went to Durty Nellie's and sat out on the patio. We played in the backyard for a while before the kids went to bed.

Saturday we worked in the yard - in between rain drops. It was EXHAUSTING! We got a babysitter and actually went to dinner ALONE! We went to Pete Millers - one of my faves - and sat in the bar and watched the Hawks game. It was nice ... real nice. I can see that E has been trying to change himself ... which helps me have a different attitude towards him as well. I had a really good time.

Sunday was another day of yard work (and rain) and errands. After Mass we ran to breakfast and saw one of big J's friends. They invited us to a bday party at Chuck E Cheese that evening. Big J had an absolute blast ... (and was pretty peeved when we had to go). It was totally cool to see him interact with a friend. He is like a little person. When people wanted to take their picture Big J would wrap his arm around his friend's back. It made me smile.

So, onto another work week. Gonna try and go to Spin again and continue on the weight loss path. Still wishing I could find a gig to work at home .... anyone know of anything legal? ;)

Random thoughts and a bunch of etc, etc, etc.

Why is it that the small things drive E nuts ... but when it comes to relaxing with small things, he doesn't get it????

Why do my children insist on whining incessantly ... I mean ... ALL the effing time? Why?

Why are guys assholes? Why is it that they think they are centers of the universe. Don't think your assholishness won't come back to bight you in your ass!!!!!!!

It is cold here still. Shit. It really is. I am sick of it. Sick.Of.It. Al Gore - you are an idiot.

Easter is coming. Easter is a CHRISTIAN holiday. Yes, I know we forget that ... because in the "PC" world it is about bunnies, candy and egg rolling. But, why the eff id Obama the Antichrist insisting on turning the White House Egg Rolling Contest into an effing Gay Pride event. I hate him. I do.

Why can't I have the life I used to have with this job? Gone 3 days out of the week. Work from home 2 days a week. Boss was supportive. People were considerate. Now I am go- go - go 5 days a week ... the pay doesn't equal the job and the boss is ignorant. Yippee.

I go to the doctor tomorrow. We are going down the next avenue for this weight struggle. 3 months since the last visit and 0 .... ZERO ... pounds list. Ugh.

How long are they going to keep sending the synpathy/ pc votes coming in for Scott on AI ... OK - so he is blind. That is no biggie ... but it gave me the creeps yesterday when he was singing and he just looked crazed. Seriously.

E is on the home fix it warpath .... while I am happy about this; my house is in utter chaos. Things everywhere. Tools on my dining room table. Chair rails off the walls and on the floors. Furniture piled in my bedroom. A front door I cannot use. AGH!!!!!

I am hungry. I am at work. I forgot to bring stuff. Oops.

Are we "back to normal" yet?

So, I haven't really "blogged" on a while ... life, as I know it, as been in complete chaos.

E returned on March 18. My parents got here on March 19. Little j's party was on March 21. The squabbling between my husband and my Mom ensued on March 22. My parents left on March 23. I went back to work on March 24 and I haven't blinked since.

The boys are nuts since E came home. Sleeping schedules are off. Manners are gone. Quiet nights and routines? Out the window.

And E? Shoot ... he still lives in his own world, with a bit of us thrown in. Its like living with a 3rd child, seriously, it is!

Everything that we put off for the 14 months that he was gone, suddenly has to be done. NOW. Handy men, HVAC men, furniture stores. I haven't been able to catch a breath, but our calendar is booked and the checkbook is getting thin.

I thought I would be calmer once he returned. I thought I might be able to "get stuff done" when he returned. Life is still the same for me ... with more added on the plate.

WTF?

Transitions

So, hubby may have a 2nd chance at getting approved for the home based care. If that happens he could be home on a month or so. While this is good news, I cannot help but get a bit of anxiety creeping into the pits of my stomach.

He has been gone for over a year now. Life has been all about me and the boys. That is it. I control the remote, the temperature, the bed, food … all of it. I have had to share with no one. And, quite frankly, neither has he. For one year of our lives we have been “single” again.

The boys have answered only to me … or on the occasion … Grandma or Grandpa. They have been yelled at, scolded, bandaged, comforted by ME. Little j knows no one else.

I am anxious for the transition period that I am well aware of, but afraid of, none the less.

One would be kidding if they thought our marriage was a great one. It has been rocky, and that, at times, is even an understatement. Numerous counseling sessions, books and websites have shown that if he was going to leave, he would have left a long time ago. His insecurities and fears are what drive him in life. I am in hope that this separation and distance has made him realize what he HAS and what he could be WITHOUT. I am scared that the rockiness will return, and get worse, with all the transitioning that we will be doing.

For the first REAL time in our marriage, I am NOT fearful of living my life without him. All those days that he threatened to leave or end our marriage, I not only fought to stay because I LOVED him, but also, because I was scared to death to do it all on my own. Now, I am not. I KNOW I can do whatever I need to do – I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Even on days where my insecurities and crap ass self esteem get the best of me, in the end, I know I can survive.

What does this all mean for US? Hopefully, it means that our marriage will get stronger. We have grown a LOT this pat year. I know that I cannot be afraid to tell Eric exactly what I think and feel. The crap that he goes through will have to be done on his own now … for I am past it. He needs to put grudges aside … become nicer to people, love his family (including his in-laws, which he seems to have issue with) and learn that life will pass him by.

I hope for the boys’ sakes, and for mine, that the transition won’t be TOO horrible. That we both can see each others’ strengths and weaknesses as blessings to each other … and that our lives can start back up again.

Saturday, Saturday ...........

I love the weekend. I love the fact that I don't have to worry about voice mail or email or the gay-boss. But, there is something that just honestly sucks about weekends.

Nothing to do. With E not home, and the weather - not so much fun, and 2 children .... well, weekends have just become days that I don't work. I feel bad. I feel like the kids are bored. I am bored. And there is only so many times I can torture my friends with our company at lunch or dinner.

Hurry home E.

Better yet ... hurry home warm weather!

But, don't get me wrong, thank GOD for the weekend despite it all!!!!!!

Time flies when you are having ... fun?

Where, oh where, has my time gone? In the blink of an eye a week goes by (yet, there are days that seem to DRAG ON FOREVER!)

Thanksgiving came and went ... E came home. It was a whirlwind weekend. I was cooking and preparing all day Thursday - his parents and sister came for dinner. We had an enjoyable time ... MUCH better than visits in the past. I must say that one of teh thinsg this deployment gave us was a new relationship with his family. They still have their quirks (whio doesn't???), but at least time with them can be enjoyable.

Friday evening we had our 20 year grade school reunion. I had a BLAST! It was so less nerve-wracking than a high school reunion. I had grown up with these people, so it seemed like a family reunion, rather than a competition. It was so cool to catch up with some people that I literally have not seen in over 20 years! I felt like I had been talking to them every day since, though! I wish we could have another! I got tipsy ... no .... DRUNK. E drove home while I slept (passed out). Thankfully I was just a bit slow the next day; not hungover like I have been in the past (E would have shot me!).

We took Big J and little j to breakfast with Santa on Saturday - little j fell completely asleep before the fat man came ... funny pic that I will have to post later!

Sunday came way too quickly. Its weird - I "envision" the visit with E for days before he gets there, yet it never turns out to be quite what I pictured. I think part of it is taht we both have defenses up - we alreayd wait for his departure the moment he arrives. Sucks - but that is life.

So ... now we wait for time to creep until vacation on teh 18th (and then we will FLY into the new year!) ........

Leave me alone

You know, I am glad that my husband has been out of harms way for a while. I am sad that he has been injured and that he has been alone for several months now. I miss him - truly, I do. But .... why is it that he comes home and I feel completely graded on the job I am doing at home. He took care of the boys yesterday and today ... and apparently it is an EASY job. they are great to take care of and he was able to get chores and stuff done while he watched them. I guess I am just an idiot who cannot multi-task properly.
He also noticed some places around that house that need some cleaning .... and apparently, he would help me out with that. Whatever.
Then - he calls me today AT WORK to tell me how awful our yard looks and how could I let HIS beautiful yard get ruined. WTF??? I am DOING my freaking best. Its nice that he doesn't have to work a full time job AND take care of the kids ... ALL he does is RECOVER. Whatever.
I love him ... I want him home. But, I want him off of my back.

Wordless Wednesday

"I love you" .....

So .... I just got back from seeing my E .... What a feeling. So happy - yet so sad.

Here is the fill-in:

E was injured overseas ... he hurt his back. They have sent him back to Ft. Bragg for medical treatment and more than likely, he will NOT return to Iraq. BUT - and here is my big BUT - he will NOT be returning home any time soon. From what he tells me, these medical boards and treatments can take 90 days or more ... and they will NOT release him until they fix what they broke. Ugh. So ... we are awaiting word on if he undergoes surgery or rehab or what.

So ... with Big J in Tampa visiting Grandma and Grandpa, we got MIL to watch little j and I headed out to Ft Bragg on Friday to see E.

I left from Ohare early and arrived in Fayetteville around 12:00. I rented a car, since E has been using post transportation this entire time. I knew he would want some time off the base ... and I needed a way to get around as well. I arrived at Ft Bragg with E waiting for me - he had a dozen roses with gerbera daisies attached (my fave), some gummy bears (some of my favorite candy) and an 8-pack of Diet Dr Pepper waiting for me in his fridge. For E to be THIS thoughtful is highly unusual. It was absolutely incredible to see him ... and have him just hold me (without any kids in the mix - I actually forgot I was a Mom for a short time)!

He immediately showed me around the base - this place is HUGE! Unlike what I truly pictured. It was cool b/c I was able to see where he trained, ate, slept ... some places were nicer than others. I was actually disappointed to see some of the places we allow our troops to sleep for weeks on end .... I think prisoners actually get better living conditions than some of these guys!

Friday night we went downtown Fayetteville (what a small town!) and ate dinner at a bar & grill. It was great to actually sit down and have a glass of wine with my husband on a Friday night! I felt like a lady again ... not just "mom."

On Saturday we SLEPT IN!!!! I woke up at 9:30!!!!! Can you actually believe that! It was heavenly ... not only to wake up whenever I wanted - but to be next to Eric again. We went to late breakfast and then he drove me out to the FOB (forward operating base). This is the place that he stayed for a few weeks, training for war. It is created to simulate life in Iraq. It was really neat to see - and hard to imagine my husband having to endure things like all of this. It was cool - yet scary at the same time.

We wandered around the PX and sat in the room and watched the Cubs game. That evening we got cleaned up and had a romantic Italian dinner downtown. It was so great.

On Sunday he took me to the Post chapel for church and we went out for Sunday brunch. We ate WAY too much but really enjoyed ourselves. That afternoon we went to the Special Forces Museum in Fayetteville. It was really neat to see the history behind these guys. What jobs they do ... and the things we, as Americans, take for granted on a daily basis. The next person that complains about war, politics, etc ... let them jump into a uniform and see what America REALLY is all about.

Because we ate such a heavy brunch we weren't really hungry until late. When was the last time just E and I went driving around looking for somewhere to go for dinner at BEDTIME?!?!?? It was so much fun. We stopped at a BBQ joint and had a great time.

Monday morning was bittersweet since I knew I had to leave that afternoon. We skipped breakfast and slept in, once again. We went to the PX to get something for Big J and an Army wife mug for me. It was hard to not get swept up in the "excitement" (is that the word I am really looking for?) of it all. Being on base, around soldiers, seeing my husband and all that he went through .... it made me very proud (maybe for the first time) to be an "Army Wife" ... I have always always been proud of E ... but never really thought of myself as an "Army Wife."

We went out to a Sports Bar on base for lunch ... played a mean game of air hockey and then went back to the room and prepared to leave. It was so hard. He is home .... but not home. He feels like he let down his Unit by not being back there and has to fight that demon, every day, all by himself. He knows that is children and wife sit back and go on with their lives without him while he waits on people to control his future life.

As much as I was all "hoorah" for the Army ... I am a bit pissed with them as well. Take care of my husband and then bring him home. Don't let him sit and sit and sit ..... what good does it do anyone????

Leaving was awful. I hugged him as hard as I could and drove away. I received a text about 15 minutes later .... "I LOVE YOU" .... I cried.

And now ... I am back in the hell hole that I call an office ... dealing with the same bullshit I deal with every time I am here ...and I want to scream at them all for not giving a shit about anyone else but themselves. Ugh ..... I miss E badly.

Cheking in and things

Wow - I didn't realize that it had been so long since I last posted anything! My life just keeps going faster and faster, but I really cannot tell how mnay MPH I truly go until I see the days on the calendar that have gone by!
My sister was in town two weekends ago ... we had a blast. Spent a lot of time at the pool, ate some good meals, went to a Cubs game, the Poison concert ... it flew by (what's new?)! I will post some pics soon!
I am preparing for Big J's big 3rd birthday celebration in two weeks ... I CANNOT believe I have a 3 year old. I still look at hime and see my baby boy who would cry when I put him in the car seat or would giggle when i played peek-a-boo. Now we are dealing with tantrums and the "ICanDoIts" .... :)
Little j is so close to sleeping through the night, I can feel it! Now if I could just remind him that he KNOWS how to roll over I could avoid running in there when he gets pissed that e is stuck on his stomach!!!!
E is STILL gone. Who knows what the hell is happening with that. I am to the point that I will wait until I see airline info for a flight home until I get excited. I hear rumors of late fall, early winter, early Spring .... I just sit back and keep plugging away.
Work explodes at the end of this month. Boss man STILL has no sympathy or concern for ANYTHING about me. My territory is set up for my failure (I sometimes think this is actually is doing) and I am tired of the snide comments about performance reviews, etc. I am SO OVER it.
I am almost done perfecting my resume and my next step is finding jobs and sending the sucker out .... I am STILL debating about playing the lotto every day ... maybe then I could TRULY do what I want to do ... NOTHIN!!!!!!