Still breathing

Not dead ... not gone ... just haven't had the desire to sit down and write. I suck at typing (if you haven't been able to tell before, from all of my tehs .... ) so to get the stream of thought coming from my head onto the computer screen sometimes just takes too much effort.

I want to start back up again - it was always a great way of venting, without getting in trouble). I will soon.

For now, I am fine, still trying to lose my last few pounds (I fit into a skirt I wore right before my wedding - now that is more like it!), and enjoy the last half of Summer!

It fits! .... almost

There are certain clothes I have kept over the years on my roller coaster ride of weight gain and weight loss. I kept cute little t's, skirts and pants. I donated jeans and trendy stuff (while a pair of jeans may slide on, the wash and cut, more than likely, will have long disappeared into our memory banks!). Although, I did keep my favorite jeans, just as a guide to see "where I am at."
So, throughout this surge to finish my weight loss goal, I have been trying my clothes on periodically. At first, these skirts wouldn't go on over my hips. Then, I got them over the hips. Then, I was able to s-q-u-e-e-z-e the zippers shut.
Well, yesterday I threw on one of my favorite skirts; the white linen skirt I wore to my wedding shower. It zipped ... and I wasn't afraid that it would pop open!
So... a few more pounds and this sucker is like a brand new purchase! :)
Finally, some success!

Where have you been??

Where the hell has time gone?

I have so many thoughts ... so little time to write them!

For now, I will write about what I am proud of today.

I have lost a total of 20 pounds with only 10 more to go until I hit my goal!

Sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time to finish what I started

So, last year at this time I started a massive weight loss attempt. I lost 25 pounds. I haven't gained anything back, thank God, but I also hadn't lost anything either.
So, about 3 weeks ago, I started really kicking things into high gear. I hit a bit of a snag when I got sick ... basically two weeks went by without ever hitting the gym.
I started back at Spin yesterday and felt awesome.
So, here we are, a few weeks later and I have lost 5 pounds!
WooHoo!
Only 20 more to go!!!!!!!!!

Sticks and Stones

So, we are getting out of the car last night for swim lessons and Big J says, "out of my way fat lady."

WTF?!?!?!!?

E asks him to repeat what he said and Big J says, "the kids at school said Mommy is fat, so I said Mommy is fat."

E proceeds to question Big J about who said what. Big J says that his friend, little Frank (there are two Franks in his class ... I didn't know "Frank" was such a popular name!), said that Big J's Mommy is fat.

E tries to tell him that he should protect his Mommy and tell other kids to be nice.

OK ... so, my issue? Is it bad that hearing a 4 year old think I am fat actually HURT?! I mean, here I am busting my tail every morning to get to Spin classes, watching what I eat and some punk brat kid is going to tell my son that his mom is fat??? Has anyone let this punk know that I have lost 30 pounds this year??????

I want to kick some ass, and I want to kick it now!

Obviously the emotional scars from this issue from the past NEVER go away.

In the meantime, I think I remember Frank's Mom and she was some big trailer-trash woman. I hope she hears it from her kid some day. Pay back is a bitch.

New Wardrobe ... kinda

So, this morning I was getting ready for work and realized that the pants that I had just put on just kind of hung. Like, OMG does that lady have a dirty diaper on? hanging. And, because they were hanging, they were way too long and I was tripping.

So ... I tried on some old pants ... pre- little j pants ... and what do ya know? They fit. A bit snug .... but for the first time in over 2 years, the pants buttoned and didn't make me look like a Johnsonville brat.

The scale? It still shows 175 .... but the clothes are definitely showing a difference!

Woo Hoo!!!!

Panic button has been pushed ... a few times ...

My miracle pills ran out on Sunday. Yesterday was OK ... I survived. Today? It is a different story.

I am in pure panic mode. All I can think about is food .... my stomach has been rumbling since breakfast (and I ate lunch).

OMG. What if I go back? What if I cannot get rid of the next bunch of pounds? I have been feeling so "on-top-of-the-world" lately, pertaining to my weight loss goal. What if I stop and stay stagnant again?

I feel awful. I want to cry. I already feel defeated.

See, the pill didn't make you FEEL full ... it just made you THINK full. The pill worked on your MIND. Now my mind is spinning into awful thoughts about "Chunky ME" being all I will ever know from here on out.

Crap.

Wanting Saturday back ...

Why do the weekends always fly by before you can even blink? Seriously? Mondays and Tuesdays DRAG ... but Sunday evening is here right after you finish your Friday happy hour cocktail!

Friday evening we took the boys to Red Lobster (not my fave choice for seafood, but we had $10 off!). Big J tried crab legs and LOVED em. I thought that was pretty cool. After dinner we went over to yet another car dealership and walked away empty handed. This is getting totally maddening!

Saturday morning E took the boys out for doughnuts while I got a chance to linger in bed for about an hour or so. It was nice to hear SILENCE for a change! We got right to work after that. The handy man got there (only to discover our NEXT debacle form this Money Pit ... the door, floor and carpet in the office are completely rotting away from years of water damage ... they all need to be replaced. ugh). I ran errands and treid to get the house cleaned and organize - not an easy thing when every time I turn around we are taking something apart or redoing it.

We spent 2 hours at Home Depot that night ... much to my frustration. The boys were exhausted, and the cookout that I had planned for us ... well, we started the grill at 10:00. Don't even ask.

Sunday morning started as usual. We all went to my church for Mass and then headed to the Zoo for Mother's Day. The place was PACKED. But, it was an enjoyable day ... Big J freaked out when I took him into the Dino Alive exhibit. I thought he would love it! (Although, when I questioned him later he said that was his favorite part!)

After the zoo, we were all wiped out, so we ordered a pizza and I sat on my but in honor of Mom's Day!!!! (Back to usual now!).

On a postive note ... I have lost another 5 pounds. 20 more to go. The negative note... My last pill was yesterday .... I am nervous, but confident I can do this! Keep your fingers crossed!

Blasts from the past

So, last night I dreamt about my high school sweetheart. It is the umpteenth time I have had a dream about him in who knows HOW long.

It was real ... one of those dreams where you wake up and you expect to talk with that person immediately. So weird. But ... WHY? Why these constant dreams? What does it all represent?

E and I have been getting along well ... so I am not having romantic fantasies about running into my first love and suddenly being swept away.

I must say, it is driving me NUTS. What drives me the MOST nuts is that I cannot find him. In this era of Facebook, I have found 100's of old friends, aquaintances, classmates, cousins .... but ONE person that I have been dying to find out about, as the years have passed by, well, he is no where to be found. I have Googled him, searched for him, asked his old buddies .... he has fallen off the face of the earth!!!1 ARGH!

I dated B when I was 16. I fell head over heels in love. He was the sweetest and most romantic boy I ever knew. He would write me love notes, bring flowers to me at my job, and always made me feel like the most beautiful thing on the Earth. He went to the local public school and I went to the private school. He was a Senior, I was a Junior.

When I was 17 and we were preparing for him to graduate, I remember being so close to him that we were like one person. We fell asleep on the phone every night, we knew everything about each other.

He was my first. It was romantic and beautiful and everything a naive 17 year old would have dreamed of (obviously, looking back, things aren't as "romantic" but for me, at the time, it really was). He had chosen to leave that fall and go away to college. My heart was broken, but he promised that we would be OK.

He broke up with me, over the phone, a month after he left for school (because of some rumors that was told to him by one of my best friends at the time .... another story for another post). I was devastated.

Actually, devastated doesn't even come close to how I felt back then. I was a wreck. Cried myself to sleep every night. Threw up before going school every morning. Walked around like the world has stopped for weeks. It took about 2 months to feel human again ... and that was only after he treated me like shit (looking back, probably to just get me to get over it!)a few times.

We talked once, before I graduated. He explained what had happened. Why he did what he did. I remember feeling better, sad still, but better. Like a gap finally got filled in.

I moved away after I graduated high school, so I never ran into him any more. We talked on the phone once or twice, but I haven't heard from him since.

Oh well, maybe some day I will find his name somewhere ... or someone will have some info. In the meantime, I will just continue to wonder whatever happened to someone who played such a significant role in my life.

On a side note ... I weighed myself this past Saturday ... lost ANOTHER 5 pounds :) I have one more week on the medication and then it is ALL me ... I am a bit worried, but I know I can do it!

Update

Weighed myself again this past Saturday ... another 5 pounds down! That is a total of 9 pounds in 2 weeks. If I could keep this pace up for the last two that I am on the pill, it would bring me to a doable weight to continue on.

I see the pounds coming off the scale, but I do not see a difference in any of my clothes yet ... I am wondering: am I losing inches off my hair? Fingers? Toes? I would love to start seeing the bra changing shape. The waist on my pants get loose .... those are really what I need to see to feel like I am on my way.

This past weekend was nice ... crazy busy, but nice. Friday's weather was AWESOME, so E and I cut out early, ran a few errands and then picked the boys up from school. We went to Durty Nellie's and sat out on the patio. We played in the backyard for a while before the kids went to bed.

Saturday we worked in the yard - in between rain drops. It was EXHAUSTING! We got a babysitter and actually went to dinner ALONE! We went to Pete Millers - one of my faves - and sat in the bar and watched the Hawks game. It was nice ... real nice. I can see that E has been trying to change himself ... which helps me have a different attitude towards him as well. I had a really good time.

Sunday was another day of yard work (and rain) and errands. After Mass we ran to breakfast and saw one of big J's friends. They invited us to a bday party at Chuck E Cheese that evening. Big J had an absolute blast ... (and was pretty peeved when we had to go). It was totally cool to see him interact with a friend. He is like a little person. When people wanted to take their picture Big J would wrap his arm around his friend's back. It made me smile.

So, onto another work week. Gonna try and go to Spin again and continue on the weight loss path. Still wishing I could find a gig to work at home .... anyone know of anything legal? ;)

Progress

So, it has been one week on the Phentermine. Most days I don't even notice that I am taking anything; and there are a few where I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin!

My appetite has been cut in half, if not more. Seriously, I used to walk around all day thinking about food. Now? Yea, not so much. I realize I am full much more easily than before. I am more cognescant of what I eat and how much. Snacking has completely been diminished.

I lost four pounds as of Saturday - and that was during teh week of my period, when I normally am five pounds heavier.

I also started back to Spin class on Monday. I know E hates that he has to get up with Little j (since the kid REFUSES to sleep past 6), but I need this. And, once I was on that bike, I realized how much I really missed going all of the time!

Three more weeks of my "help" and then I am on my own ... I would LOVE to REALLY make progress these few weeks so that I am ahead of the game.

And it went by in a flash

Phew. I am tired! Holy week and Easter have always been a busy time in my family ... but now with work, 2 kids, a husband and a home "under repair" I feel like the past 4days have been a blur!

Big J came with me to Good Friday service. He was actually a very good little boy. He slept through the Passion. And was exceptionally quiet throughout the service. He LOVED going up to venerate the cross, and even made me take him up at the end so he could do it again.

I spent that evening baking the lamb cake and pound cake (all the while hanging out with a friend) ... pics to come soon.

Saturday morning Big J was overjoyed that we were going to food blessing. I love that tradition. We prepared our baskets and he was so proud that he got to carry his own. He piled it high with eggs and candy and bunnies. As soon as the food was blessed, he turned to me and said, "now I can eat it all, right?" LOL!

I cooked more food on Saturday and became increasing aware that I was going to have way to much ... but you cannot buck tradition!!! ;)

As I was getting ready for Easter mass, Big J came into the bathroom. He looked at me and smiled. He said "Mommy, you are beautiful. Princesses are beautiful. You are a princess." *tears - lots of tears* We went to Mass on Sunday morning. It was nice... E came too. His family got to our house around 2:00. I truly don't think I ever sat down yesterday. Seriously.

Here was our menu:
Asparagus Roll-ups
Smoked Salmon spread
Tangerine glazed ham
grilled Polish sausage
wedding noodles (egg noodles with cream of chicken soup)
Spring pea salad
Spring marshmallow Jello salad
Ginger Lemon Steamed veggies
Sauerkraut
Pineapple Upside Down Cake martinis
Lamb Cake
Pound Cake

I think I fed an army!!!! ;)

I had to be in the office all day today ... and I will tomorrow too. :( Such a rough start to the week!

By the way, I had my follow up doctor appointment on Thursday afternoon. She prescribed Phentermine to me for 30 days. Its a stimulant and she is hoping this might jump start my metabolism and get the pounds off. After that, I am to go it alone for 5 months. At that point, if I am having issues still, she wants me back.

Wish me luck!

Random thoughts and a bunch of etc, etc, etc.

Why is it that the small things drive E nuts ... but when it comes to relaxing with small things, he doesn't get it????

Why do my children insist on whining incessantly ... I mean ... ALL the effing time? Why?

Why are guys assholes? Why is it that they think they are centers of the universe. Don't think your assholishness won't come back to bight you in your ass!!!!!!!

It is cold here still. Shit. It really is. I am sick of it. Sick.Of.It. Al Gore - you are an idiot.

Easter is coming. Easter is a CHRISTIAN holiday. Yes, I know we forget that ... because in the "PC" world it is about bunnies, candy and egg rolling. But, why the eff id Obama the Antichrist insisting on turning the White House Egg Rolling Contest into an effing Gay Pride event. I hate him. I do.

Why can't I have the life I used to have with this job? Gone 3 days out of the week. Work from home 2 days a week. Boss was supportive. People were considerate. Now I am go- go - go 5 days a week ... the pay doesn't equal the job and the boss is ignorant. Yippee.

I go to the doctor tomorrow. We are going down the next avenue for this weight struggle. 3 months since the last visit and 0 .... ZERO ... pounds list. Ugh.

How long are they going to keep sending the synpathy/ pc votes coming in for Scott on AI ... OK - so he is blind. That is no biggie ... but it gave me the creeps yesterday when he was singing and he just looked crazed. Seriously.

E is on the home fix it warpath .... while I am happy about this; my house is in utter chaos. Things everywhere. Tools on my dining room table. Chair rails off the walls and on the floors. Furniture piled in my bedroom. A front door I cannot use. AGH!!!!!

I am hungry. I am at work. I forgot to bring stuff. Oops.

Mommy is chunky ... still

Another day started, another day that I feel like I weigh 300 pounds. I can honestly tell you that I am starting to hit my breaking point with the battle this time.
I know in my life that my "battle" with weight will always be a "war." .... a constant situation that I have to deal with on an ongoing basis. I have been dealing with it since I was 8. Never obese - but always - fat. I have had my periods of "prettiness" - but, somehow I go through something in my life that ends those eras (ie, babies, college, etc). This time, I am starting to wonder ... WTF????
I am working out more than I have since before the baby .... I am watching what I eat, no food after dinner (that was/is one of my weaknesses), I am CONSTANTLY on the go... what more do I have to do?
The doctor did every test imaginable on me - tested my heart, blood, hormones ... all FINE. Not even BORDERLINE ... but FINE. So ... it isn't anything that I can "cure."
I KNOW that I don't have a steady workout routine at this moment, what single Mom does? But, come on. This is stupid.
The doctor did say to give it 3 months and then she would take another course of action ... well, that will bring me to April 1 .... if I STILL haven't lost a pound by then I am heading straight back there and figuring this shit out.
Seriously - am I doomed to be the fat Mom for the rest of my life?????

PMS + Winter = Holy Crap!

OK - So, I think I have found the explanation for my fatness. There is nothing else to do in the winter - especially our retarded winters - but eat. If you want to get together with a friend, what do you do? you EAT! There are no more walks around the block after dinner, running in the backyard after lunch ... all there is to do is sit ... and eat. Ugh ..... on top of all that, I have PMS ... the brain and the mouth and the tummy do NOT work in tandem during this time frame ... very dangerous!

On a real note ... going to the doctor tomorrow for blood tests, actually trying to find out why I cannot lose weight, even after I am keeping the lifestyle I am living. We shall see!

Where has time gone?

I feel like life keeps moving and I just stand still watching it all happen around me ... trying to reach out at the precise moment that I could grasp on!
I am back from a glorious vacation in Florida and now I am on to starting the New Year off on the right foot - but it is hard, real hrad.
First things first - I am FAT. Real fat. No questions about it - I am FAT. My pants are tight, my boobs are huge, I look awful. I HAVE to lose weight. I don't care if I NEVER sleep at night, I MUST make time EVERY day to workout HARD. SO far I am doing OK. I started on Monday and will continue today (Tuesdays are a rarity since I don't even set foot into the door until 7:00). Here is a picture to prove how gross I look:



I even cropped it to NOT show most of the fatness .... ugh.

Next, work. I HAVE to get my numbers in this quarter. I don't care if it kills me ... I cannot be on the bottom ANYMORE. I hate this feeling. This is not me. I am better than all of this - and no one sees it. Not even me sometimes.

Next, the house. Chaos. Utter chaos. Time to clean and i mean CLEAN my surroundings. No more piles. No more crap .... I KNOW that if I just put things back when I use them, life would be so much more simple. FOLD the laundry when it is DONE ... not three days later! Put away the clothes when I am done folding them - not in a pile in the closet that I pick and choose from!

Think I can do it? I hope so!

Sadness sweeps the land

Bummer .... so the heartbreak continues. What makes me most sad? Not that the Cubs completely BLEW it (although, it is hard to stomach), but that the fun that we could have had while watching them is over. I think that is what bothers most peiople. You plan on going to games, or having parties.
Celebrating ... it is like holidays that are not marked on the calendar. When your 3 year old son asks you, "Mommy, are we having another Cubs party?" You know you have him indoctrinated. THAT is the part that I am going to miss .... the party.
Now, evenings are back to "normal" .... bed time routines are back on track. Dinners are no longer nachos or pizza, but salads and soups. Evening attire is now pj's and lounge pants instead of jerseys and hats. Beer will be reserved for football Sundays. No more scrambling to find a babysitter so that I can see a game, instead I will find a babysitter so I can work. :(

How depressing.

maybe it is a good thing that "party" fare is off the menu. I went shopping for pants these past few weeeks - dude, I am fat. No other word to describe what I look like ... I am just fat.
I STILL haven't had an uninterrupted night sleep since March, so my energy levels to actually EXERCISE are slim to none. At night, I am too busy getting chores taken care of to actually DO a routine. In the morning, I am too tired to THINK about a routine.
But something is going to have to give. I had to try on a SIXTEEN the other day ... 16! ONE SIX ....... that is duisgusting ... especially when I have 8's hanging in my closet from last year. I am so unhappy with myself .... I just wish I had time to FIX it ....

Ugh ... what shall I look forward to so I can get through the days? hhhmmmmm ..... trip to Tampa in December ... 2 Heavenly weeks of having time .... aaahhhh.

It's About Time!

I almost forgot .... in my flurry to get ready this morning and off to day care on time, I stepped on the scale.

I FINALLY saw a LOWER number ... I lost 3 pounds! First drop I have seen since I brought the little dude home!!!

Woo Hoo!!!!