Blasts from the past

So, last night I dreamt about my high school sweetheart. It is the umpteenth time I have had a dream about him in who knows HOW long.

It was real ... one of those dreams where you wake up and you expect to talk with that person immediately. So weird. But ... WHY? Why these constant dreams? What does it all represent?

E and I have been getting along well ... so I am not having romantic fantasies about running into my first love and suddenly being swept away.

I must say, it is driving me NUTS. What drives me the MOST nuts is that I cannot find him. In this era of Facebook, I have found 100's of old friends, aquaintances, classmates, cousins .... but ONE person that I have been dying to find out about, as the years have passed by, well, he is no where to be found. I have Googled him, searched for him, asked his old buddies .... he has fallen off the face of the earth!!!1 ARGH!

I dated B when I was 16. I fell head over heels in love. He was the sweetest and most romantic boy I ever knew. He would write me love notes, bring flowers to me at my job, and always made me feel like the most beautiful thing on the Earth. He went to the local public school and I went to the private school. He was a Senior, I was a Junior.

When I was 17 and we were preparing for him to graduate, I remember being so close to him that we were like one person. We fell asleep on the phone every night, we knew everything about each other.

He was my first. It was romantic and beautiful and everything a naive 17 year old would have dreamed of (obviously, looking back, things aren't as "romantic" but for me, at the time, it really was). He had chosen to leave that fall and go away to college. My heart was broken, but he promised that we would be OK.

He broke up with me, over the phone, a month after he left for school (because of some rumors that was told to him by one of my best friends at the time .... another story for another post). I was devastated.

Actually, devastated doesn't even come close to how I felt back then. I was a wreck. Cried myself to sleep every night. Threw up before going school every morning. Walked around like the world has stopped for weeks. It took about 2 months to feel human again ... and that was only after he treated me like shit (looking back, probably to just get me to get over it!)a few times.

We talked once, before I graduated. He explained what had happened. Why he did what he did. I remember feeling better, sad still, but better. Like a gap finally got filled in.

I moved away after I graduated high school, so I never ran into him any more. We talked on the phone once or twice, but I haven't heard from him since.

Oh well, maybe some day I will find his name somewhere ... or someone will have some info. In the meantime, I will just continue to wonder whatever happened to someone who played such a significant role in my life.

On a side note ... I weighed myself this past Saturday ... lost ANOTHER 5 pounds :) I have one more week on the medication and then it is ALL me ... I am a bit worried, but I know I can do it!

Weird

So, Saturday night, as I am drinking my wine and watching my shoes on DVR I was playing around with Facebook. Typing in the names of people from my past to see if I could find them.
I finally found one (not THE one I have been looking for - but someone!). My old fiance, yes, the one with the kid. The one that I threw his "engagement" ring (I will use that term loosely ...)at him at the beach (not that I am a snob - but it was so small, I think it was gone forever!). The one, that through time, I realized I never was THAT upset to lose - it was breaking up with an adorable 2 year old little girl that really broke my heart.

The dude was a bit "off" and we really had very little in common ... he quit the Marines, was a stock boy in a retail store (and could barely do that) while I was freshly graduated and pursuing a career, had himself in PILES of debt (that I was trying to help payoff) and in the end, he dumped ME because he couldn't handle the relationship ....

ANYWAY .... I found him on Facebook .... he has a picture of his daughter - now 13!!!!! I can not even BEGIN to imagine ME being the Mom of a THIRTEEN year old at this point. But, she is a pretty young girl. And, it is actually somewhat creepy to see her all grown up.

Then, the myriads of "girl" questions flood my head .... I wonder if she knew of me ever (I took care of her for over a year - until she was 2 1/2), did the Mom finally step up to the plate? Does the ex look at ME and think "phew" or "wow - I let one go"?????

No biggie .. I love my hubby ... am I weird for even THINKING of these things?!?!??!?!?!

Nuts?

OK .... so follow me on this one it may get a little crazy .... I guess I just need to see if I am the only one who ever feels this way or if I am just goofy.

So, ever since I got into Facebook .... as stated in my earlier post, I have become addicted. For YEARS, I wondered what happened to so many of those people from my life and now I finally had the ability to find out! Well, some of the people that were huge parts of my life way back when are the ones that are no where to be found!!!!

Yesterday, I was on Google (sitting on the train on the way home from work - wasting time - Lord knows I don't have time to do this stuff when I am at home!) and I was entering some of those names. One old girlfriend from high school was there ... I clicked and saw her wedding pictures. Now ... here is the story:

Since I went to a private school, I had a few "groups" of friends. A group of friends from the local public school, my private school friends, work friends, etc, etc, etc.

I was friends with Sally (fake name - to protect all those involved) my Sophomore year of high school. We did EVERYTHING together, slumber parties, shopping, talking about boys. We were best friends.

My friends Jane and Ann were two other very close friends from the local high school ... we spent many nights looking for boys, hanging out and having fun.
I met my boyfriend my Junior year - he was that "first love" everyone always refers to. First EVERYTHING .... he was also part of my "public school" group of friends.

Slowly but surely, a lot of my "groups" ran together. Jane and Ann and Sally and I became a group of 4 that had great times together. My boyfriend was also always part of that mix. Sally even dated his friend ... we all went to Prom together.

My Senior year was a rough one. One week before my school Homecoming, my boyfriend broke up with me while he was away at college (he never gave me much of an explanation, he just kept telling me that I was going overboard), Jane and Ann and I drifted apart. Slowly Sally began to hang out with Jane and Ann without me and became distant and cold.

I developed other relationships and still enjoyed my Senior year. We found out we were moving to Florida in March so my second half of the year was spent having fun and making the most of my time. Ann and I talked and re-established our friendship, along with Jane ... but Sally and I still remained distant.

One day, about a month before I was moving, my ex called and we had a LONG heart to heart. I finally asked him why he had broken up with me. Why he claimed I had gone overboard.

Turns out, Sally had called him at school and told him that I spent my days telling everyone that he was coming home at Homecoming to propose, that he was going to transfer schools to be with me wherever I went, that I was being rude to my friends and turning into , basically, a bitch. Obviously, this was SO FAR from the truth. She had even been telling Ann and Jane lies about me, hence the distance that had come into our friendship as well.

Sally was confronted at lunch hour - it was quite embarrassing for her .... school became a horrible place for her ... the only friends she had left were Ann and Jane.

If I remember correctly, Sally and I tried to mend our friendship before I moved. It worked for a bit, but I could never quite forget her deceptiveness (she claimed she was trying to save me from getting me heart broken down the line) and her coldness never seemed to disappear.

Once I moved away, I lost touch with most people from high school ... while they all got to reconnect every Christmas and Summer break, I spent mine with new friends in Florida. I was always kind of broken hearted seeing my friends continue to bond while I was phased out of the picture ... especially since Sally had treated me so badly.

When I moved back to the Chicago area I got in touch with Ann .... we met for a night out one night and I found that all three of the girls had become "roomies" after college. That evening Ann and Jane and I reconnected, Sally spent most of the night giving me evil looks and making her life seem oh-so-great, and putting mine down.

Fast forward many years. I never got back in touch with any of those girls. I have often wondered where they ended up or what they were doing. (Same thing with the ex - but that is a different story)

So ... as I said, yesterday, I googled their names. I found Sally's wedding pictures. Good - glad she is happy. I guess the part that bothers me is this: Ann and Jane were both part of her wedding. Part of me felt a little sad .... I cannot explain why. Does that even make sense???? Not sad like - OMG I am going home to cry, but sad like, geesh, why can't I have friends that have been in my life for 20 years and would have been part of my special day. Those were my friends - and because of someone's cruelty, they didn't remain close.

I have GREAT friends these days .. wouldn't trade them in at all. I guess I just wish I could be one of those people that could say she has friends that have withstood the test of time ....

Am I nuts? Does ANY of this makes sense ... or did I just ramble on and on for the hell of it????? Oh well .... I have two great kids, wonderful friends and a life .... the past is teh past ... and believe me, I am not dwelling on this one! :)

OK - I am addicted

So ... I joined Facebook a few months ago but didn't see anyone I knew and I kind of wrote it off.

I happened to be killing some day one night and - OMG!!!! - I am addicted!

I have seriously found long lost people .... my old next door neighbor from 7th grade, my college roommate, old soroity sisters, high school classmates .... It is actually quite fun!

If you have never gone on ... seriously, try it! It is a great way to find those people that you always wondered, "I wonder what happened to them?"