Blasts from the past

So, last night I dreamt about my high school sweetheart. It is the umpteenth time I have had a dream about him in who knows HOW long.

It was real ... one of those dreams where you wake up and you expect to talk with that person immediately. So weird. But ... WHY? Why these constant dreams? What does it all represent?

E and I have been getting along well ... so I am not having romantic fantasies about running into my first love and suddenly being swept away.

I must say, it is driving me NUTS. What drives me the MOST nuts is that I cannot find him. In this era of Facebook, I have found 100's of old friends, aquaintances, classmates, cousins .... but ONE person that I have been dying to find out about, as the years have passed by, well, he is no where to be found. I have Googled him, searched for him, asked his old buddies .... he has fallen off the face of the earth!!!1 ARGH!

I dated B when I was 16. I fell head over heels in love. He was the sweetest and most romantic boy I ever knew. He would write me love notes, bring flowers to me at my job, and always made me feel like the most beautiful thing on the Earth. He went to the local public school and I went to the private school. He was a Senior, I was a Junior.

When I was 17 and we were preparing for him to graduate, I remember being so close to him that we were like one person. We fell asleep on the phone every night, we knew everything about each other.

He was my first. It was romantic and beautiful and everything a naive 17 year old would have dreamed of (obviously, looking back, things aren't as "romantic" but for me, at the time, it really was). He had chosen to leave that fall and go away to college. My heart was broken, but he promised that we would be OK.

He broke up with me, over the phone, a month after he left for school (because of some rumors that was told to him by one of my best friends at the time .... another story for another post). I was devastated.

Actually, devastated doesn't even come close to how I felt back then. I was a wreck. Cried myself to sleep every night. Threw up before going school every morning. Walked around like the world has stopped for weeks. It took about 2 months to feel human again ... and that was only after he treated me like shit (looking back, probably to just get me to get over it!)a few times.

We talked once, before I graduated. He explained what had happened. Why he did what he did. I remember feeling better, sad still, but better. Like a gap finally got filled in.

I moved away after I graduated high school, so I never ran into him any more. We talked on the phone once or twice, but I haven't heard from him since.

Oh well, maybe some day I will find his name somewhere ... or someone will have some info. In the meantime, I will just continue to wonder whatever happened to someone who played such a significant role in my life.

On a side note ... I weighed myself this past Saturday ... lost ANOTHER 5 pounds :) I have one more week on the medication and then it is ALL me ... I am a bit worried, but I know I can do it!

Tenderness

So ... in the midst of the chaos, called "my life," there are a few moments here and there that I really do treasure.

I took my parents to the airport yesterday and on teh way home Joshua was supposed to stay awake (so I could actually get a nap for them and work done for me when we returned home). He did a good job ... and kept telling me so!!!!

he took a nap shortly after 2. He woke up around 4 and I knew we only had about 45 minutes of light left (damn time change) and it was still around 70 degrees. He was thrilled.

I put little j in his push car and Big J played soccer and hide and go seek. Right before we were going in we decided to take a walk around our street.

Big J went to grab my hand and then stopped and said, "stop Mommy stop!!!!" I stopped. He didn't take my hand, he positioned little j's hand and held onto it through the entire walk.

When we were done he bent down, hugged little j and said, "I love that you are my brother." ......

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm......................