A big Eff you.

I've always been one to use the phrase, 'God will show us why someday.' Why we hurt, fall, fail, succeed..... God always answers us, sometimes, just not right when we want the answer.  I've talked about high school and my horrible breakup. Trying to remember the pain has been hard, as, it's been 26 years. God helps us forget how pain feels, I know, otherwise, why would anyone ever have a second child? Ha! Recently, I had the opportunity to finally find that high school sweetheart, after searching for all of those 26 years. My life got flipped around and suddenly I've come to find myself remembering all that I went through, the thrills an excitement, the love and tenderness, but also the hurt and pain and abandonment.  I found B a mess. Not what I thought I would find at all. A lonely alcoholic, older than he should be, hiding from life in a hotel room and drinking the days away.  We talked, a lot. Spent some time catching up, a lot of time listening to him struggle.  When we first reconnected we did have a phone call, I *thought* I got some closure from it. We talked about why he broke up with me, how it hurt me..... but as I look back on that conversation, I realize that he was progressively getting drinker on the phone and I doubt he remembers any of it. At the time though, I felt like I got some closure and affirmation that I had been waiting for all those years.  B decided to FINALLY start attending AA on Thanksgiving. He was a new person while attending meetings. He was thoughtful and considerate, becoming a friend, rather than a victim. I could see glimpses of the B I knew in high school.  Well, last week, he messed up. Ok, I thought, go back To a meeting, get back on the horse, ride the bike again, whatever! He said he would, and then he would and then after promising left and right, he lied and kept drinking.  And this, this is where I realize I may not be cut out for all of this. This is where I realize my pity for him has gone cold and maybe, no, not maybe, yes, all the anger inside that I had for him 26 years ago has once and for all surfaced and I have to find some way of getting it out.  If he were in front of me, well, so sorry he is this poor mess of a human being, here is what I have been wanting to say to him, now..... and then:  First, it bothers me that while the rest of us have to get up every day and work at life, you get to wallow and drink your days away. Shoot, what an easy choice. While you constantly say how hard it is, I feel it is the easy, the lazy way out. Getting sober would take WORK, it would take persistence, it would be daily, hourly, choices that sometimes would be hard. But hell, in this day and age there is help all over the fucking place. There are virtual therapists, virtual meetings, online masses and church services, public health facilities in every damned corner. Meetings scheduled more times each day then I probably pee. You are 43 years old.... grow. The. Fuck. Up.  Second, everything is consistently and always about you. Always. I have three children and a husband. I'm so sorry my troubles don't seem as valiant or monstrous as your but shoot, I don't want yours. You made choices, as did I..... don't hold your struggles through life like gold stars every time you feel bad. If I am going to spend time on you to hell if I am going To listen to another story about some asshole you hung out with 15 years ago screwed you. You chose to do this! This leads me to my next beef..... You have made your choices..... 25 years ago you picked up a pay phone and told me you needed 'space' at school. I spent over a year of my life truly loving the shit out of you. I know it was love, because, for 25 years I prayed for you. I prayed you were healthy and happy and that life took care of you. I knew it was real love because, when you LITERALLY showed up at my doorstep, I was right there, ready to listen, open my heart, my home and my family to you. But, that love wasn't as important as your partying college ways. See, I excused your selfishness away back then. While most girls got mad at a boyfriend, cut up flowers and pictures and cursed their name, me? Ha, I missed you, I still cherished everything you gave me. Any song on the radio that made me think of you literally hurt my heart. Hurt. My. Heart. Every morning, for three months, I woke up, realized I was a mess, puked my guts out, cried and then tried to get myself to school and act 'normal'. And, all the while, you never called, never wrote a letter. I. Was. Forgotten.  Now, now that I know your reason for dumping me wasn't *just* to experience college, but to become a drunk? I'm mad. I'm mad that I never took some of your shit and tore it up. I'm mad that the absolute pure love and friendship I gave you wasn't enough for you. A bottle, a shot, a party, another asshole drunk trumped my love and friendship. And *that* was YOUR fucking choice.  When you lied to me the other day about the promises you made and how you were going back to meetings, blah, blah, blah.... well, here we go again, right? The bottle beats me every fucking time.  I am so tired of you letting me know that my heart is only worth it when you *feel* like it. I'm sick of you getting to be a selfish asshole and throwing away my love and friendship.  Life is hard you say? Life hurts you say? Fuck you dude. When you give ALL of you to someone, when you worry at night about a person, when you cry for a person you haven't seen in 25 years and the pain you feel for them is still as powerful as the day you fell in love..... when you feel all that and then have the other person say 'fuck you' then, well, then you can tell me life hurts and life is hard. I spent a lifetime with mementos from you.... still packed away, still looked upon with love and held on with such regard. Every note you wrote, every card, every gift, every picture...... for the first time, I finally feel like tearing them up..... I finally feel like an angry girlfriend.  Fuck you for dumping me a week before my senior homecoming, so, as all of my friends were headed off to the formal, I was at home sobbing and throwing up.  Fuck you for never calling and checking in with me afterwards. I guess the word 'love' means a hell of a lot less to you than it does me.  Fuck you for when you did come back into town and you came over you acted as if you didn't even know me. You didn't want to hear about my life or anything.  Fuck you for when you were back in town and we did go to hang with friends, you didn't say a word to me (except when I picked your ass up and drove you home) because you spent the entire night in my girlfriends basement drinking beer with the other assholes.  Fuck you that when I told you on Christmas break that I had gifts for you, you said you didn't have time to see me .... for the entire month you were home.  Fuck you for when I called you at the end of that break crying because I found out we were moving away and I was devastated, you said you were busy and I would be fine.  Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU.  Fuck you for in one of the rare conversations we had you let me know that most of the gifts you bought for me were with money you stole from your jobs because you didn't want to spend *your* money on me. Fuck you.  Fuck you when I tried to say goodbye to you before the moving van was pulling away you were more interested in what you buddy was saying than any goodbye you could have given me. Your hug was half assed and sad.  Fuck you for all the years you ignored my existence. For all those years I wondered about you, thought about you and my name never crossed your mind.  Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU.  And here we are now..... me giving you my friendship AGAIN and you not giving a flying fuck.  Fuck you for lying to me. Fuck you for once again, picking a bottle over me. Fuck you.  Fuck you for taking ALL of the resources you have been given and throwing them out the window.... I opened my home, my family, my sisters have been praying for you, listening to me talk about you. I introduced my friend to you, and you couldn't even reach out, except when you were stone cold drunk and you went on a freaking rant. Fuck you. Fuck you for taking the lazy way out. Fuck you for disappearing rather than owning up to your shit. Fuck you.  Fuck you for always saying how much you appreciate that I found you, then go and fuck up your life.  Fuck you for assuming *I* will always be around, but when you wanna go on one of your drinking benders, so disappear (and love to threaten that shit all. The. Fucking. Time).  Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU! Fuck you, B, for squandering your life and making me watch.  Fuck you for taking our friendship and turning it into a circus.  Fuck you. 

Tales from the backseat....

Little L loves to ponder life from the booster in the backseat. Here are the questions I heard today, on our seven minute ride home from preschool. 

Mama, why are clouds white?

Mommy, why do we have knees?

Mama, when does the pool open?

Mama, is apple juice good for you or bad for you?

My feel good place

So, I have realized over time that I am someone who loves efficiency. When things operate like a clock, I'm in my happy place. 

I remember when I was working, we had a system where we wrote something down, them, entered into a spreadsheet, then entered it into another program. I was so absolutely blown away by the inefficiency at work, I could hardly stand it. Fortunately, I quit before I ever had the chance to see if it ever changed (Lors help me, I hope it did!). 

Anyway....

I grew up in a household where my Mom would always spring clean. And I mean, CLEAN. Baseboards, closets, behind beds..... I used I follow suit. Then, last year for Christmas, I received bar glasses. I looked at the box of bar glasses and then at the area I had established for that type of stuff and realized and needed a re-org. 

So, I got busy rearranging cabinets, which lead to cleaning the kitchen, which lead to my whole house getting a re-org through the entire month of January. 

I think we donated 14 bags full of stuff after all was said and done. 

Well, I decided I love cleaning in January. It's too cold to spend any time outside, my hands should remain busy other they will find food, and, there is something about kicking off the year with a fresh attitude. 

So, I've been cleaning closets and I feel great! My kids feel great.... and things will work. Efficiency, the key. A place for everything an everything in its place. 

I am back ... and ready for more!

 Well .... So much has changed in my life that I must fix my profile, and spend a lifetime typing with life happenings. let's just say, I've lost weight, gained weight. Made friends, lost friends. Cried and laughed. Walked and ran.
My babies? 11, 8 and 4!
Still working as a stay at home mom. Still alive and kicking - with passion!

Note to self

Stop drinking when you are tipsy, the next drink will make you drunk. 

Ugh. 

Make a mental note

Did a dummy and said yes, back in August, to being Big J's football team's team mom. 

They said there wasn't that much involved. 

Ha. 

I will say that again. Ha. With a freaking capital 'h'. 

I first had to compile the team roster- no biggie, but when people don't respond to 19 email, it sucks chasing them down. 

Then it was telling everyone about there game day duties: working the chains, doing the announcing, bringing the halftime Gatorade. 

Well, people bitched about when thy were doing it, why, could someone else do it....

Then I had to plan a beginning if the season party. Apparently asking each family to chip in $6 to go for pizza pissed several people off that thought it was unfair that a family if two would pay the same as a family of four. 

It continued all season. 

Send out game day reminders, pick up freaking pink socks for pink out day, pick up helmet stickers, gather more money, prepare homecoming banners, pick up homecoming banners, plan trophy party, replan trophy party when we get a game scheduled. 

Now?

People want me to reschedule our end of the season party because their older children have games later that afternoon. 

Um. There are 19 families- I'm supposed to reconfigure the entire thing for THREE families?

Nope. 

My problem?

I'm a stupid people pleaser. I freaking hate upsetting anyone.  My flaw. My big stinking flaw that gives me upset stomachs and keeps me up at night worrying- pleasing people. 

Well, I will be upsetting some and I am going to say, tough cookies. 

Remind of all this bullshit when they ask me to volunteer next year ..... Remind me, please. 

Changes (from Sept 2011)

I have a new perspective in life these days ... and it took a person I hadn't seen in almost twenty years to help me with that.
So, about a month ago, a guy I had known since high school let me know he was coming into town for his reunion and that he wanted to get together and catch up with me and another one if our friends.
I planned on it, but thought for sure, it would go forgotten.
Last week, he sent a message and said to still plan on it. That is when I started to feel weird - a married Mommy going out with two guys? How bad would that look? Although E was totally fine with it (but kept reminding me to cover my drink cuz you never know what they may slip in it!), I felt weird. SO, I invited a girlfriend - besides, it would give me a chance to go out with her too!
So, flash back to Friday night. I picked my girlfriend up and then headed out to pick up K.
The three of us went to eat and the reminiscing started. I remembered so much. I had forgotten so much.
After we ate we went to a bar. Wait, this was not a bar, it was a club. Do you know the last time I was at a club? I walked right past the guy taking cover (Cover? Cover? WTF is cover?). I Was all out of whack.
We had a great time. I am talking, A.Great.Time. We talked, dance, reminisced ...
Through the night I became aware of just how much I cared about K when we hung out. We had a weird relationship - one that I cannot even define. We were friends, for years. We hung out on Friday and Saturday nights with a group of friends. He was always the nice one of the bunch - the one one that would listen or console, which is why I always valued him being around. Toward the end of high school, he enlisted in the Navy. I was graduating and moving to Florida. I was also getting over a horrible breakup and he was one of the only people around me that listened to me and helped. It was then that our relationship turned to a more "dating" type. Even then though, we weren't "dating." He was never my "boyfriend," but I always knew that I cared a lot about him.
I moved. He went away and we wrote letters. Lots of letters (wow - wonder how it would have been with email?!). After about two years, the letters suddenly stopped. K and I both tried to figure out why they stopped, but neither of us knew.
I think I realized how much I wished those letters would have continued throughout these last fifteen years. K always knew how to make me feel good. Good about me.
We flirted. A lot. He made me realize that I need to hear those things, no matter how much I put on that I don't. For a few hours, last Friday night, I wasn't Mommy, I wasn't E's wife, I wasn't a 37 year old adult. I was back to being 18 and feeling care-free. I never did anything ... but it felt good to not worry ... just for a bit.
We said good-bye that night at 3:00 (do you know the last time I was out till 3:00? Yea, me either). As soon as I got back into the car with my girlfriend, I started to sob.
It was like my whole world changed in an instant. Realizations of things I don't have in my life, but need, desperately. Realizations of how I cared for this guy back then, more than I ever realized I had. I missed our friendship. I missed feeling like I mattered in life.
My girlfriend was awesome. Hit everything on the head like a sledgehammer. Thank GOD she was there (for many reasons).
I called K after I dropped my friend off ... I wanted to let him know everything. That maybe I should have told him, twenty years ago, that I cared. That he mattered. I was always so afraid I would "scare" him off. That he would think I wanted "more." But, maybe I did. Maybe I shouldn't live my life always being afraid of what someone else will think.
I do it now. I don't tell E how I am feeling - fearful of upsetting him or starting something bigger. I don't say what I need. I don't tell E that I need to feel sexy. I need to hear it from him. I am missing that in my life, and my night out showed me that I have gaping holes in my relationship because of it.
K and I talked a lot throughout the rest of the weekend. It was cathartic. I rediscovered an old friend, and through the process, I rediscovered the "girl" in me. The "woman" in me. Not the Mom. Not the spouse. Not the daughter, employee, cook, cleaning lady, sister, driver friend ... but the woman who needs to be treated like one. I have had friends in my life all these years, but it took one that I hadn't seen in twenty years upside down.
K left on Tuesday and I was sad. He lives across the country and more than likely, I probably won't see him again. Sure, there is Twitter, Facebook, texts ... but, I will miss my friend.
But, I thank God, that I was given an opportunity to reconnect - it changed my life in so many ways.
I think E has noticed this change. He sending the boys to Grandmas for the weekend. We are finally going out to celebrate our anniversary from last month.
Like K said, maybe through all of the chaos that I felt over the weekend, something good will come out of it at home.
So far, so good.

After K left I remembered I song that I have always loved, but it never quite hit home until now:
I'm Alright by JoDee Messina
Well it's been a long time glad to see your face
I knew we'd meet again another time another place
Can't believe it's been so many years
You'd better grab a chair and a couple of beers
Lookin' good in you three piece suit
You know, I always knew you'd take the business route
You were always the one to follow the light and you look like you're doing alright

Been singin' for my rent and singin' for my supper
I'm above the below and below the upper
I'm stuck in the middle where money gets tight
But I guess I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright

Well we had a lot of dreams when we were younger
They thought we were crazy but we had the hunger
We kept a lot of friends, skipped a lot of class
Been on top of the world and knocked on our ____
We lost touch, we lost in love
We lost our minds when things got tough, but
Beatin' time is a losin' fight and I guess I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright

Well I hate to see this evening end
God only knows when I'll see you again
Just send a fax or send me a letter or give me a call that would even be better
Give the kids a kiss for me and say hello to the family
And tell them all my future's lookin' bright
Well, I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright
I said I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright
I'm doin' alright

Need a place to let it all out ...

OK - It has been a long time. A really ... really long time. But I think it's time I get back in the blogging game. Without being in the working world the one thing I miss out on is being able to just vent to people who had no clue what I was talking about, but I got it out, and every once in a while I would get some nugget of advice or something that would spark my brain.

Life at home with three kids is crazy. Life at home with three kids and then being room mom to two classrooms is crazier. Life at home with three kids, being room mom to two classrooms and being team mom to a needy football team is even crazier!!!!

Life at home is crazy ... being on a budget sucks, especially since I can never make it and I have no clue where else to cut corners, If I could find something that would bring in $100 or $200 a month ... wow. What a difference.

Now onto folding laundry, cuz work at home doesn't have an end time!

Will-power vs 'will it really matter?'

So, will power is not winning lately.

You know when you have PMS and you feel like eating everything, all day, all night, and you are never full?

For the past month that has been my life. It wouldn't be such a killer if I actually had a desire to workout. Normally I can get into a groove, start enjoying the high I get from a great workout. Lately, I would rather sleep or watch a Beverly Hills 90210 rerun. It has been more satisfying to be quite honest. Now, will I say it's more satisfying when our pools open and my fatty fatty self will need to prance around in a bathing suit? Nope.

So, I need to find my inner- skinny girl. I need to find that girl who used to be addicted to 5:30 wake-ups and Spin classes.

Until I find all of that, I think I just need to find my duck tape- and close my mouth and refrigerator!!!!!

Beat me up days...

So, my lovely period must be coming any day now. Why? You ask? Well.....
I stare in the mirror 120 times a day and pick myself apart.
I hate my nose.
I think I need a new hairdo.
I will probably never lose my baby belly.
I am too short.
I can not handle the construction in my house anymore. Can. Not. Handle.
I have the patience of a pea. Make that half a pea.
Everyone.... E. V. E. R. Y. O. N. E. is under my skin.
I checked the calendar and, yep, it's about time.

Saturdays

So, in this crazy world of being a stay at home mom, I've come to a scary revelation: Saturday mornings have lost their excitement. Really, they have.
I use to be excited about maybe getting a few extra seconds of sleep while the boys watched cartoon (a cute 6 month old has changed that), or breakfast out, or maybe just a lazy cup of coffee.
Well, Saturday mornings have become just like Monday mornings/ just with one extra child and a husband who still thinks Saturdays are days to sleep in.
I still get up with lady l, feed the children, clean the mess, listen to the whining, and watch little j wander back and forth because 'he's bort cuz he cannot play on his video game.'
Think I need a little break in some of the monotony?
Hell yes!!!!!!!!

Blech.....

Ever just have one if those days?

You know, the ones where you feel yucky, you feel like you 'look' yucky, your house is messy, the kids, messy .......

Yep, today is one of those days!

Gotta get back in the groove

So much has happened since I last posted - probably need to really sit down and catch it all up in paper.
Little L was born in July- she is 6 months old.
I quit my job in September - yahhooooooo! That is a post all it's own!
Now I'm just mommy... And maid... And chef... And chauffeur.... And telemarketer....
It's all crazy- but I love every second ( almost).

A nail in the proverbial coffin

A while back I wrote a post about the icky abusive asshole I dated way back when. I wrote about he sent me an email telling me he wanted to talk to me about things he did when we were dating, but he never responded again.

Well, around the middle of October I was feeling empowered and I wanted to clean some of my life out and I sent him this email:

Stephen

I was cleaning out my email and came across this message and I realized that I never did respond to your original message.

I didn't respond, because, quite honestly, I was afraid. Afraid of ruining the progress I had made over the twelve years of my life that I was away from you. I was afraid to send my life back into a darkness that was deep and scary.

But, now, I am completely ready to respond to you without any fear or reservation.

I thought I loved you when I was with you. I was a fool to think that was love. What you spewed was hate. Pure hate.

You controlled me, you manipulated me, you beat me down until I felt I was worthless, worthless without you.

You used God as a battering ram. You threw Bible verses at me and tried to use that as a sword. I remember one vividly, "Have faith like a child" You loved that verse - used it to tell me that I was faithless because I wouldn't run to a courthouse and marry you. Faithless? Not in my eyes - thank God I knew that.

You told me that I was wrong for loving my family. I was wrong for having friends. I was wrong for smiling without you telling me I could. You accused me of sleeping with guy I talked with, even friends I had had for years.

You called me a whore, you made me feel like I was a dirty.

You criticized the way I laughed, the way I smiled, the way I dressed. You isolated me from family, from friends. You belittled me in front of people and then asked me apologize from embarrassing you. You locked me in your apartment and told me to clean it. You sent bitter, hateful messages to me, calling me names like, bitch and whore and tramp. You would pull me into rooms and show me how I made a bed incorrectly or left a toilet seat up.

You criticized my family, telling me nothing short of how evil they were, and you let me know it on a daily basis.

You were horribly abusive, in every way imaginable, without ever laying a hand on me. The scars you inflicted upon me were gruesome, yet never visible. I spent years trying to erase those scars, trying to heal those scars, trying to strengthen the me around those scars.

You tried to beat me down, and in the end you did everything opposite of what you wanted. I became a stronger Catholic, a stronger woman, a happier woman - without you.

What made me so sad, was that I knew you were doing it to someone else when I finally left you. How do I know? She called me - and she sounded just as scared. I wished I could help, but knew to stay healthy, I had to stay away.

Hopefully one day you will understand what you did to women - and you will understand that it never made you a Godly man. So, please, don't let me know how much God loves me - I NEVER needed you to tell me, I always knew, I was just blinded for a time.

I do not carry your burdens and hurts on my heart any more. I have been free of that for a long time, but I will not ever forget and I just wanted you to know that.

I received this response two days later:

Lisa,
Thank you for responding back to me, for being open to hearing what I hope to share with you, and for being honest and frank. I very much appreciate what you expressed, and now I want to own how I know that I hurt you and how I sinned against you.
Going back to the time when we met, I know now I was a mess inside, and that I had no idea how, to what extent, or why. For example, for so much of my life, I have felt desperate and needy for attention, love, affection and approval – in fact I felt starved for it. And any time I found it, or to any extent that it became a reality, I clung to the source, the person, with so much fear, so scared to lose it. I didn’t have the strength of character, or trust in the Lord, and didn’t have peace inside, or a foundation, to make healthy relational decisions, or to be a steady source of love and protection and provision.
I know now I was drenched in guilt and shame, from my own wrongs and sins. I was full of bitterness and anger and unforgiveness toward my family – and struggling with the associated fear that came from it.
Also, deep down, I felt no one could or would ever really and genuinely love me, or at least not for very long before they turned on me or gave up on me or left me for someone else.
To make matters more complicated, in our case, we were not fit to be together (not a bad thing…just not a fit), and I knew it from the beginning. And though I never felt right about us, I was weak and feeble, and feeding on your attention, love, affection, and approval – to the point where I not only did not respectfully and lovingly turn away from a potential start to a relationship for us from the beginning – but I caused you a whole host of ongoing hurt and pain and fear and tension in the time after.
In other words, I was reeling in fear, insecurity, unforgiveness, and hurt…and in addition from the tension inside from knowing we’re not on the same page…yet I was desperately afraid and unable to let you go or turn away.
I was broken and wounded and angry. I was demanding, critical and untrusting, hurtful, abusive, rejecting, and awful in my treatment of you so often. I caused you much hurt and injury in my lashing out with words and emotions and cruelty – and in trying to change you, thinking somehow we could become a good fit.
And when I left Florida, I never, ever expected I would feel so isolated, alone, and detached. And there again I wrongfully pushed for you to be here, and wrongfully pushed for us to get married.I was also wrong and I am so sorry for sinning in a sexual way with you while we were together. This was further destructive toward you. The loving thing for me to do would have been to cherish you and protect you and value you, and honor the Lord in abstaining.
My treatment of you was shameful and it had nothing to do with you, and did not bear any reflection on you whatsoever. But it made clear what was in my heart.If He has not already, I pray the Lord will fully heal you from any and every hurt, from any effects of my sin against you, and that He will restore everything that was injured or lost. I pray He will work what I did that was evil for your good. I pray He will give you the grace to forgive me and be completely free from it all. I pray you will be filled with His grace and love and joy and peace that passes understanding. I pray you will be blessed in your heart and in your soul. I pray the Lord will make His face to shine upon you.I am sorry for the ways I hurt you, for my treatment of you, and for what you suffered in the process. If I could go back, I would treat you with love and respect and honor, and make very different choices.
I am so sorry and I pray for your forgiveness, though I know full well I do not deserve it.
Stephen

I wanted to respond SO badly .... I wanted to 'put up my dukes' and finally come to blows. I wanted to let him know that his email was still showing that nothing has changed. He took none of the blame ... pretended that he tried to end things, blah, blah, blah. But ... I did what I had intended all along - I deleted and left it. I was just now deleting all of my sent email and that is the end of Stephen. Forgiven .... but not ever forgotten.

33% done

Well, I have made it into the second trimester. Gained 6 pounds so far (three in each boob, I swear). Spent the past two months walking around feeling like I was going to vomit at any given moment (but never happening) and needing to eat every two hours to avoid the vomit sensation (but it didn't help the 'I don't wanna gain that much wait' goal! Also been battling a blood pressure reading that sky rockets every time I go to the doctor's office, so I am doing my best to combat that as well.
Now, I am starting to feel the lovely pull in my jeans and the headaches have started ... who are those people that love pregnancy, cuz I would like to see how they felt!
Trying to figure out now when to tell boss-man ... I just don't see his reaction being an exceptionally excited one. It always all about what affects him and the bottom line. Trouble is: I really don't care!
So, let's hope the queasiness goes away, the announcement goes uneventful and I get some energy back to figure out where my life is going from here!
6 more months!

Update

Remember how I was worried? Yep .... baby number three due July 18.

A third?

Yes, it is going to be another one of 'those' posts. If I don't write about it, I'll drive myself mental.

I have consistently said that I am 50/50 on the whole 'third child' idea. I am starting to think I most like 90/10 .... 90 no, 10 yes.

And I was supposed to start yesterday. I know, still early, but, did you ever notice that every symptom you get before your period is also a symptom of pregnancy???

And, I am in an office all day and cannot go test anything.

Fuck me.

As time goes by ...

I hate typing. I hate going back and correcting all of my awful typing mistakes. I cannot type and think about or do anything else at the same time.



Life has spun completely into the chaotic zone.



Hence, I have not blogged since July.



What has happened since? Oh, holy hell .... what hasn't happened?

Went to Florida in August to pick up the boys. Spent time, as usual, in the pool, drinking, eating and chilling with my parents, sisters and Baby N.

Took family pictures for the first time in three years for our Church directory. Wow.

The boys were ring bearers in my SIL's wedding. They were the cutest things there (not biased, at all).

Big J started FIRST grade. Holy crap - he is old. ... that must mean I am old!

little j started preschool. He loves homework (ha! I will remind him of that someday!).

My Dad came in for a surprise (and fast) visit. He went to see my sick Grandma, but spent a few hours playing with the boys and drinking with me .... ;)

College football started ... my Knights have already pissed me off, but I still love 'em.

Went to a wedding with E, drank a few extra vodka tonics, rough start the following morning, but I took care of business!

Big J lost his two front teeth - he sounds hysterical!!!!

little j is slowly getting rid of pull ups for nighttime. Doctors say its normal until he is 5. Oh God bless me!

The Rays are in the playoffs after a night of baseball chaos!

I haven't gained any of my summer weight-loss back. Let's keep it that way!

We planned a family vacation to St Augustine for December. My sisters, BIL's, parents, E, Baby N, the boys ... all of us, in an ocean-front home, for five days. Let's hope there is no drama.

I am going to hang out with two high school buddies on Friday night. I feel a bit weird going out, sans E, with two guys, but knowing they were like brothers throughout high school takes away most of the weirdness.

I hope I can overcome my loathing of typing on my keyboards and update this more often, so that I don't have to recap my kids' high school graduations!

Do you hear that? I do - it is called SILENCE!

My family came to visit last Wednesday. I had four extra adults (my parents and my youngest sister and her husband) and one baby (my nephew) added to my already full house.


I was excited to entertain. I had BBQ pork (my root beer and BBQ sauce recipe) in the crock pot for the night they got there and drinks were flowing- as always.


Thursday I took them all on the train to the City. We hung out at Millennium Park, ate lunch, and enjoyed a beautiful Summer day. That night we were all too exhausted to do anything, so I fired up the grill for dinner and we chilled.


Friday was when I could feel the walls starting to close in a little bit. While I love my sister dearly, she has always been a perfectionist, and controlling (if a youngest sibling can possibly be that way). Well, ever since Baby N was born you could multiply all of these by 6 ... or 7 ... shit, try 10! Now, I know all about being a new mom, I know all about hormones; but you have to remember what kind of mom I was/am.


I didn't freak about sterilizing stuff. I didn't panic when we had no schedule. I didn't throw a hissy if someone held him the "wrong way."


My approach was, and has always been, if it worked for my Mom it is fine for me ... and I am going to follow what my "mommy gut" tells me.


J is not this way. And she let everyone know. Thankfully she was visiting old friends that night, and staying in a hotel the rest of the trip anyway!


That night, my middle sister arrived and we were going to go out to a nice dinner. Unfortunately E never got out of work until 10:15, so we ordered pizza and drank and drank and drank. (Its a sure sign of trouble when you know your liquor store man on a first name basis, he hugs and kisses you when you walk in the door, and he hands you a free bottle of wine "just because").


Saturday was our long awaited belated 60th birthday BBQ for my parents ... and a surprise. It went without a hitch, and my Mom and Dad were thrilled. I am pretty proud that I entertained, fed and hosted 35 people in my house. Granted, I had help, but I am still going to give myself a pat on the back :)


Sunday we went to Mass and enjoyed a lazy afternoon. We had reservations that evening at a modern steakhouse that E and I have been dying to share with my parents. After driving 30 minutes to get to said steakhouse, we arrive only to find its doors locked and a makeshift sign on the window - Closed due to Power Outage. WHAT?!?!?!?!??!


Scramble to find a new place. Head to Millrose in Barrington and service was pathetic. The food? Lackluster. For being a place that we have been to more than I can count, I can promise you I will never go back. Also, end the evening with a fight between sister #3 and me (why is it that when I stand up for myself I am being argumentative or controlling, but when she does, she is "hormonal"????)


We smoothed the fight over and on Monday morning, my parents, two sisters, my brother-in-law, nephew AND my two boys hopped into a limo and headed for Florida.


Yep, you heard right, my boys are on vacation. For ten days. I miss them ... but ... YAHOO .... it has been nice to just chill!


I have so much stuff I want to get done with them being gone, but all I have really done is catch up with my DVR, go to dinner with Eric, and sleep past 6:00 AM!


I head to Florida next Wednesday for five days and then we return for the rest of the Summer.


Until then ... I am going to continue to chill and enjoy the silence.

Still breathing

Not dead ... not gone ... just haven't had the desire to sit down and write. I suck at typing (if you haven't been able to tell before, from all of my tehs .... ) so to get the stream of thought coming from my head onto the computer screen sometimes just takes too much effort.

I want to start back up again - it was always a great way of venting, without getting in trouble). I will soon.

For now, I am fine, still trying to lose my last few pounds (I fit into a skirt I wore right before my wedding - now that is more like it!), and enjoy the last half of Summer!