Changes (from Sept 2011)

I have a new perspective in life these days ... and it took a person I hadn't seen in almost twenty years to help me with that.
So, about a month ago, a guy I had known since high school let me know he was coming into town for his reunion and that he wanted to get together and catch up with me and another one if our friends.
I planned on it, but thought for sure, it would go forgotten.
Last week, he sent a message and said to still plan on it. That is when I started to feel weird - a married Mommy going out with two guys? How bad would that look? Although E was totally fine with it (but kept reminding me to cover my drink cuz you never know what they may slip in it!), I felt weird. SO, I invited a girlfriend - besides, it would give me a chance to go out with her too!
So, flash back to Friday night. I picked my girlfriend up and then headed out to pick up K.
The three of us went to eat and the reminiscing started. I remembered so much. I had forgotten so much.
After we ate we went to a bar. Wait, this was not a bar, it was a club. Do you know the last time I was at a club? I walked right past the guy taking cover (Cover? Cover? WTF is cover?). I Was all out of whack.
We had a great time. I am talking, A.Great.Time. We talked, dance, reminisced ...
Through the night I became aware of just how much I cared about K when we hung out. We had a weird relationship - one that I cannot even define. We were friends, for years. We hung out on Friday and Saturday nights with a group of friends. He was always the nice one of the bunch - the one one that would listen or console, which is why I always valued him being around. Toward the end of high school, he enlisted in the Navy. I was graduating and moving to Florida. I was also getting over a horrible breakup and he was one of the only people around me that listened to me and helped. It was then that our relationship turned to a more "dating" type. Even then though, we weren't "dating." He was never my "boyfriend," but I always knew that I cared a lot about him.
I moved. He went away and we wrote letters. Lots of letters (wow - wonder how it would have been with email?!). After about two years, the letters suddenly stopped. K and I both tried to figure out why they stopped, but neither of us knew.
I think I realized how much I wished those letters would have continued throughout these last fifteen years. K always knew how to make me feel good. Good about me.
We flirted. A lot. He made me realize that I need to hear those things, no matter how much I put on that I don't. For a few hours, last Friday night, I wasn't Mommy, I wasn't E's wife, I wasn't a 37 year old adult. I was back to being 18 and feeling care-free. I never did anything ... but it felt good to not worry ... just for a bit.
We said good-bye that night at 3:00 (do you know the last time I was out till 3:00? Yea, me either). As soon as I got back into the car with my girlfriend, I started to sob.
It was like my whole world changed in an instant. Realizations of things I don't have in my life, but need, desperately. Realizations of how I cared for this guy back then, more than I ever realized I had. I missed our friendship. I missed feeling like I mattered in life.
My girlfriend was awesome. Hit everything on the head like a sledgehammer. Thank GOD she was there (for many reasons).
I called K after I dropped my friend off ... I wanted to let him know everything. That maybe I should have told him, twenty years ago, that I cared. That he mattered. I was always so afraid I would "scare" him off. That he would think I wanted "more." But, maybe I did. Maybe I shouldn't live my life always being afraid of what someone else will think.
I do it now. I don't tell E how I am feeling - fearful of upsetting him or starting something bigger. I don't say what I need. I don't tell E that I need to feel sexy. I need to hear it from him. I am missing that in my life, and my night out showed me that I have gaping holes in my relationship because of it.
K and I talked a lot throughout the rest of the weekend. It was cathartic. I rediscovered an old friend, and through the process, I rediscovered the "girl" in me. The "woman" in me. Not the Mom. Not the spouse. Not the daughter, employee, cook, cleaning lady, sister, driver friend ... but the woman who needs to be treated like one. I have had friends in my life all these years, but it took one that I hadn't seen in twenty years upside down.
K left on Tuesday and I was sad. He lives across the country and more than likely, I probably won't see him again. Sure, there is Twitter, Facebook, texts ... but, I will miss my friend.
But, I thank God, that I was given an opportunity to reconnect - it changed my life in so many ways.
I think E has noticed this change. He sending the boys to Grandmas for the weekend. We are finally going out to celebrate our anniversary from last month.
Like K said, maybe through all of the chaos that I felt over the weekend, something good will come out of it at home.
So far, so good.

After K left I remembered I song that I have always loved, but it never quite hit home until now:
I'm Alright by JoDee Messina
Well it's been a long time glad to see your face
I knew we'd meet again another time another place
Can't believe it's been so many years
You'd better grab a chair and a couple of beers
Lookin' good in you three piece suit
You know, I always knew you'd take the business route
You were always the one to follow the light and you look like you're doing alright

Been singin' for my rent and singin' for my supper
I'm above the below and below the upper
I'm stuck in the middle where money gets tight
But I guess I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright

Well we had a lot of dreams when we were younger
They thought we were crazy but we had the hunger
We kept a lot of friends, skipped a lot of class
Been on top of the world and knocked on our ____
We lost touch, we lost in love
We lost our minds when things got tough, but
Beatin' time is a losin' fight and I guess I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright

Well I hate to see this evening end
God only knows when I'll see you again
Just send a fax or send me a letter or give me a call that would even be better
Give the kids a kiss for me and say hello to the family
And tell them all my future's lookin' bright
Well, I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright
I said I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright
I'm doin' alright

As time goes by ...

I hate typing. I hate going back and correcting all of my awful typing mistakes. I cannot type and think about or do anything else at the same time.



Life has spun completely into the chaotic zone.



Hence, I have not blogged since July.



What has happened since? Oh, holy hell .... what hasn't happened?

Went to Florida in August to pick up the boys. Spent time, as usual, in the pool, drinking, eating and chilling with my parents, sisters and Baby N.

Took family pictures for the first time in three years for our Church directory. Wow.

The boys were ring bearers in my SIL's wedding. They were the cutest things there (not biased, at all).

Big J started FIRST grade. Holy crap - he is old. ... that must mean I am old!

little j started preschool. He loves homework (ha! I will remind him of that someday!).

My Dad came in for a surprise (and fast) visit. He went to see my sick Grandma, but spent a few hours playing with the boys and drinking with me .... ;)

College football started ... my Knights have already pissed me off, but I still love 'em.

Went to a wedding with E, drank a few extra vodka tonics, rough start the following morning, but I took care of business!

Big J lost his two front teeth - he sounds hysterical!!!!

little j is slowly getting rid of pull ups for nighttime. Doctors say its normal until he is 5. Oh God bless me!

The Rays are in the playoffs after a night of baseball chaos!

I haven't gained any of my summer weight-loss back. Let's keep it that way!

We planned a family vacation to St Augustine for December. My sisters, BIL's, parents, E, Baby N, the boys ... all of us, in an ocean-front home, for five days. Let's hope there is no drama.

I am going to hang out with two high school buddies on Friday night. I feel a bit weird going out, sans E, with two guys, but knowing they were like brothers throughout high school takes away most of the weirdness.

I hope I can overcome my loathing of typing on my keyboards and update this more often, so that I don't have to recap my kids' high school graduations!