Saturdays

So, in this crazy world of being a stay at home mom, I've come to a scary revelation: Saturday mornings have lost their excitement. Really, they have.
I use to be excited about maybe getting a few extra seconds of sleep while the boys watched cartoon (a cute 6 month old has changed that), or breakfast out, or maybe just a lazy cup of coffee.
Well, Saturday mornings have become just like Monday mornings/ just with one extra child and a husband who still thinks Saturdays are days to sleep in.
I still get up with lady l, feed the children, clean the mess, listen to the whining, and watch little j wander back and forth because 'he's bort cuz he cannot play on his video game.'
Think I need a little break in some of the monotony?
Hell yes!!!!!!!!

Blech.....

Ever just have one if those days?

You know, the ones where you feel yucky, you feel like you 'look' yucky, your house is messy, the kids, messy .......

Yep, today is one of those days!

Gotta get back in the groove

So much has happened since I last posted - probably need to really sit down and catch it all up in paper.
Little L was born in July- she is 6 months old.
I quit my job in September - yahhooooooo! That is a post all it's own!
Now I'm just mommy... And maid... And chef... And chauffeur.... And telemarketer....
It's all crazy- but I love every second ( almost).

A nail in the proverbial coffin

A while back I wrote a post about the icky abusive asshole I dated way back when. I wrote about he sent me an email telling me he wanted to talk to me about things he did when we were dating, but he never responded again.

Well, around the middle of October I was feeling empowered and I wanted to clean some of my life out and I sent him this email:

Stephen

I was cleaning out my email and came across this message and I realized that I never did respond to your original message.

I didn't respond, because, quite honestly, I was afraid. Afraid of ruining the progress I had made over the twelve years of my life that I was away from you. I was afraid to send my life back into a darkness that was deep and scary.

But, now, I am completely ready to respond to you without any fear or reservation.

I thought I loved you when I was with you. I was a fool to think that was love. What you spewed was hate. Pure hate.

You controlled me, you manipulated me, you beat me down until I felt I was worthless, worthless without you.

You used God as a battering ram. You threw Bible verses at me and tried to use that as a sword. I remember one vividly, "Have faith like a child" You loved that verse - used it to tell me that I was faithless because I wouldn't run to a courthouse and marry you. Faithless? Not in my eyes - thank God I knew that.

You told me that I was wrong for loving my family. I was wrong for having friends. I was wrong for smiling without you telling me I could. You accused me of sleeping with guy I talked with, even friends I had had for years.

You called me a whore, you made me feel like I was a dirty.

You criticized the way I laughed, the way I smiled, the way I dressed. You isolated me from family, from friends. You belittled me in front of people and then asked me apologize from embarrassing you. You locked me in your apartment and told me to clean it. You sent bitter, hateful messages to me, calling me names like, bitch and whore and tramp. You would pull me into rooms and show me how I made a bed incorrectly or left a toilet seat up.

You criticized my family, telling me nothing short of how evil they were, and you let me know it on a daily basis.

You were horribly abusive, in every way imaginable, without ever laying a hand on me. The scars you inflicted upon me were gruesome, yet never visible. I spent years trying to erase those scars, trying to heal those scars, trying to strengthen the me around those scars.

You tried to beat me down, and in the end you did everything opposite of what you wanted. I became a stronger Catholic, a stronger woman, a happier woman - without you.

What made me so sad, was that I knew you were doing it to someone else when I finally left you. How do I know? She called me - and she sounded just as scared. I wished I could help, but knew to stay healthy, I had to stay away.

Hopefully one day you will understand what you did to women - and you will understand that it never made you a Godly man. So, please, don't let me know how much God loves me - I NEVER needed you to tell me, I always knew, I was just blinded for a time.

I do not carry your burdens and hurts on my heart any more. I have been free of that for a long time, but I will not ever forget and I just wanted you to know that.

I received this response two days later:

Lisa,
Thank you for responding back to me, for being open to hearing what I hope to share with you, and for being honest and frank. I very much appreciate what you expressed, and now I want to own how I know that I hurt you and how I sinned against you.
Going back to the time when we met, I know now I was a mess inside, and that I had no idea how, to what extent, or why. For example, for so much of my life, I have felt desperate and needy for attention, love, affection and approval – in fact I felt starved for it. And any time I found it, or to any extent that it became a reality, I clung to the source, the person, with so much fear, so scared to lose it. I didn’t have the strength of character, or trust in the Lord, and didn’t have peace inside, or a foundation, to make healthy relational decisions, or to be a steady source of love and protection and provision.
I know now I was drenched in guilt and shame, from my own wrongs and sins. I was full of bitterness and anger and unforgiveness toward my family – and struggling with the associated fear that came from it.
Also, deep down, I felt no one could or would ever really and genuinely love me, or at least not for very long before they turned on me or gave up on me or left me for someone else.
To make matters more complicated, in our case, we were not fit to be together (not a bad thing…just not a fit), and I knew it from the beginning. And though I never felt right about us, I was weak and feeble, and feeding on your attention, love, affection, and approval – to the point where I not only did not respectfully and lovingly turn away from a potential start to a relationship for us from the beginning – but I caused you a whole host of ongoing hurt and pain and fear and tension in the time after.
In other words, I was reeling in fear, insecurity, unforgiveness, and hurt…and in addition from the tension inside from knowing we’re not on the same page…yet I was desperately afraid and unable to let you go or turn away.
I was broken and wounded and angry. I was demanding, critical and untrusting, hurtful, abusive, rejecting, and awful in my treatment of you so often. I caused you much hurt and injury in my lashing out with words and emotions and cruelty – and in trying to change you, thinking somehow we could become a good fit.
And when I left Florida, I never, ever expected I would feel so isolated, alone, and detached. And there again I wrongfully pushed for you to be here, and wrongfully pushed for us to get married.I was also wrong and I am so sorry for sinning in a sexual way with you while we were together. This was further destructive toward you. The loving thing for me to do would have been to cherish you and protect you and value you, and honor the Lord in abstaining.
My treatment of you was shameful and it had nothing to do with you, and did not bear any reflection on you whatsoever. But it made clear what was in my heart.If He has not already, I pray the Lord will fully heal you from any and every hurt, from any effects of my sin against you, and that He will restore everything that was injured or lost. I pray He will work what I did that was evil for your good. I pray He will give you the grace to forgive me and be completely free from it all. I pray you will be filled with His grace and love and joy and peace that passes understanding. I pray you will be blessed in your heart and in your soul. I pray the Lord will make His face to shine upon you.I am sorry for the ways I hurt you, for my treatment of you, and for what you suffered in the process. If I could go back, I would treat you with love and respect and honor, and make very different choices.
I am so sorry and I pray for your forgiveness, though I know full well I do not deserve it.
Stephen

I wanted to respond SO badly .... I wanted to 'put up my dukes' and finally come to blows. I wanted to let him know that his email was still showing that nothing has changed. He took none of the blame ... pretended that he tried to end things, blah, blah, blah. But ... I did what I had intended all along - I deleted and left it. I was just now deleting all of my sent email and that is the end of Stephen. Forgiven .... but not ever forgotten.

33% done

Well, I have made it into the second trimester. Gained 6 pounds so far (three in each boob, I swear). Spent the past two months walking around feeling like I was going to vomit at any given moment (but never happening) and needing to eat every two hours to avoid the vomit sensation (but it didn't help the 'I don't wanna gain that much wait' goal! Also been battling a blood pressure reading that sky rockets every time I go to the doctor's office, so I am doing my best to combat that as well.
Now, I am starting to feel the lovely pull in my jeans and the headaches have started ... who are those people that love pregnancy, cuz I would like to see how they felt!
Trying to figure out now when to tell boss-man ... I just don't see his reaction being an exceptionally excited one. It always all about what affects him and the bottom line. Trouble is: I really don't care!
So, let's hope the queasiness goes away, the announcement goes uneventful and I get some energy back to figure out where my life is going from here!
6 more months!

Update

Remember how I was worried? Yep .... baby number three due July 18.

A third?

Yes, it is going to be another one of 'those' posts. If I don't write about it, I'll drive myself mental.

I have consistently said that I am 50/50 on the whole 'third child' idea. I am starting to think I most like 90/10 .... 90 no, 10 yes.

And I was supposed to start yesterday. I know, still early, but, did you ever notice that every symptom you get before your period is also a symptom of pregnancy???

And, I am in an office all day and cannot go test anything.

Fuck me.

As time goes by ...

I hate typing. I hate going back and correcting all of my awful typing mistakes. I cannot type and think about or do anything else at the same time.



Life has spun completely into the chaotic zone.



Hence, I have not blogged since July.



What has happened since? Oh, holy hell .... what hasn't happened?

Went to Florida in August to pick up the boys. Spent time, as usual, in the pool, drinking, eating and chilling with my parents, sisters and Baby N.

Took family pictures for the first time in three years for our Church directory. Wow.

The boys were ring bearers in my SIL's wedding. They were the cutest things there (not biased, at all).

Big J started FIRST grade. Holy crap - he is old. ... that must mean I am old!

little j started preschool. He loves homework (ha! I will remind him of that someday!).

My Dad came in for a surprise (and fast) visit. He went to see my sick Grandma, but spent a few hours playing with the boys and drinking with me .... ;)

College football started ... my Knights have already pissed me off, but I still love 'em.

Went to a wedding with E, drank a few extra vodka tonics, rough start the following morning, but I took care of business!

Big J lost his two front teeth - he sounds hysterical!!!!

little j is slowly getting rid of pull ups for nighttime. Doctors say its normal until he is 5. Oh God bless me!

The Rays are in the playoffs after a night of baseball chaos!

I haven't gained any of my summer weight-loss back. Let's keep it that way!

We planned a family vacation to St Augustine for December. My sisters, BIL's, parents, E, Baby N, the boys ... all of us, in an ocean-front home, for five days. Let's hope there is no drama.

I am going to hang out with two high school buddies on Friday night. I feel a bit weird going out, sans E, with two guys, but knowing they were like brothers throughout high school takes away most of the weirdness.

I hope I can overcome my loathing of typing on my keyboards and update this more often, so that I don't have to recap my kids' high school graduations!

Do you hear that? I do - it is called SILENCE!

My family came to visit last Wednesday. I had four extra adults (my parents and my youngest sister and her husband) and one baby (my nephew) added to my already full house.


I was excited to entertain. I had BBQ pork (my root beer and BBQ sauce recipe) in the crock pot for the night they got there and drinks were flowing- as always.


Thursday I took them all on the train to the City. We hung out at Millennium Park, ate lunch, and enjoyed a beautiful Summer day. That night we were all too exhausted to do anything, so I fired up the grill for dinner and we chilled.


Friday was when I could feel the walls starting to close in a little bit. While I love my sister dearly, she has always been a perfectionist, and controlling (if a youngest sibling can possibly be that way). Well, ever since Baby N was born you could multiply all of these by 6 ... or 7 ... shit, try 10! Now, I know all about being a new mom, I know all about hormones; but you have to remember what kind of mom I was/am.


I didn't freak about sterilizing stuff. I didn't panic when we had no schedule. I didn't throw a hissy if someone held him the "wrong way."


My approach was, and has always been, if it worked for my Mom it is fine for me ... and I am going to follow what my "mommy gut" tells me.


J is not this way. And she let everyone know. Thankfully she was visiting old friends that night, and staying in a hotel the rest of the trip anyway!


That night, my middle sister arrived and we were going to go out to a nice dinner. Unfortunately E never got out of work until 10:15, so we ordered pizza and drank and drank and drank. (Its a sure sign of trouble when you know your liquor store man on a first name basis, he hugs and kisses you when you walk in the door, and he hands you a free bottle of wine "just because").


Saturday was our long awaited belated 60th birthday BBQ for my parents ... and a surprise. It went without a hitch, and my Mom and Dad were thrilled. I am pretty proud that I entertained, fed and hosted 35 people in my house. Granted, I had help, but I am still going to give myself a pat on the back :)


Sunday we went to Mass and enjoyed a lazy afternoon. We had reservations that evening at a modern steakhouse that E and I have been dying to share with my parents. After driving 30 minutes to get to said steakhouse, we arrive only to find its doors locked and a makeshift sign on the window - Closed due to Power Outage. WHAT?!?!?!?!??!


Scramble to find a new place. Head to Millrose in Barrington and service was pathetic. The food? Lackluster. For being a place that we have been to more than I can count, I can promise you I will never go back. Also, end the evening with a fight between sister #3 and me (why is it that when I stand up for myself I am being argumentative or controlling, but when she does, she is "hormonal"????)


We smoothed the fight over and on Monday morning, my parents, two sisters, my brother-in-law, nephew AND my two boys hopped into a limo and headed for Florida.


Yep, you heard right, my boys are on vacation. For ten days. I miss them ... but ... YAHOO .... it has been nice to just chill!


I have so much stuff I want to get done with them being gone, but all I have really done is catch up with my DVR, go to dinner with Eric, and sleep past 6:00 AM!


I head to Florida next Wednesday for five days and then we return for the rest of the Summer.


Until then ... I am going to continue to chill and enjoy the silence.

Still breathing

Not dead ... not gone ... just haven't had the desire to sit down and write. I suck at typing (if you haven't been able to tell before, from all of my tehs .... ) so to get the stream of thought coming from my head onto the computer screen sometimes just takes too much effort.

I want to start back up again - it was always a great way of venting, without getting in trouble). I will soon.

For now, I am fine, still trying to lose my last few pounds (I fit into a skirt I wore right before my wedding - now that is more like it!), and enjoy the last half of Summer!