And so ... I cried

We had a day off yesterday. Big J, little j and I.

I rarely get the government holidays off, so it was nice to look forward to that, especially as Sunday night came to a close (Especially a Sunday that was spent in the bathroom, puking my guts out from drinking the previous night ... I shall digress).

We took our time getting dressed in the morning ... wandered around in our PJ's for a bit. I put dinner in the crock pot - pot roast (it turned out fabulously!) so I wouldn't have much more to do throughout the day.

We went to Wildberry for breakfast. I had a Spanish omelette, Big J and S'mores pancakes and little j had Fruity Pebbles pancakes (not the healthiest - but they actually ate!). It was an enjoyable meal and I didn't have to yell at them too much!

After breakfast, we drove over to see Daddy at his office, since, with Big J's school schedule, we really don't get to do that too often. The kids were excited; I think E was too.

We headed to Target and each of the boys carried a $5 bill that my Grandma had sent them for Christmas. We bought the game Operation. They were psyched.

We got home, ate some fruit (who were these kids??) and laughed our asses off while playing the game.

little j took a nap. I shoveled the snow and did my Boot camp DVD.

When little j woke up, the three of us went sledding before the snow turned to sleet/rain.

We, again, laughed our asses off! little j ended up in the weeds a few times and even he, the kid that cries at everything, laughed!

We went home, had some hot chocolate, the boys played Lego's and blocks and I finished off the pot roast.

Before dinner they set the table, picked up some toys and waited for Dad to come home. We ate dinner together. BOTH boys ate everything.

After dinner, Big J requested to wash the dishes, and he actually did a good job. little j wanted to help too, so he wiped the table and floor from dinner.

I think I was walking around in la-la land.

After the boys were tucked in, and I watched my DVR'ed Bachelor and Being Erica, I went to check on them before I called it a day.

I held each of them for a bit, remembering what they were like when they were small .... really small. And, with each boy, I cried.

We had a good day. For the first time, in a very long time, I wasn't frazzled with them, overwhelmed with them, tired of them. I had a good day with them and that made me happy.

And so ....

I cried.

As American as Apple Pie, Baseball and ... Kleenex?

I couldn't sleepa few nights ago. I fell asleep well, but around 1:00 I was up and that was the beginning of my tossing and turning.

So, instead of getting more and more frustrated, I went and watched my DVR. I had recorded a WGN Cubs special ... 60 years of Cubs moments. When it was done I was wiping my tears away.

Yes, I cried. I cried when I saw them replay of the clinching game in 1984. I cried when they showed Mark Grace grabbing the 3rd out at first for another clinching game. I cried when they showed Kerry Wood getting his 20th strike out. I remember all those moments like they happened yesterday.

Some moments were shared with my Dad. Other moments, with my Grandpa. But, each and every moment was special to me.

I cry at thing like that. I find myself tearing up when they show a video montage of highlights from a sports season ... like when the Blackhawks won the Cup. As they put on this awesome music, to a collage of videos from the past season, I found myself wiping the tears away.



I cry when the first few notes of the Star Spangled Banner start at every, and I mean, every, sporting event I attend and view. There is just something about watching your flag being honored by people, who are free enough to spend their Sunday watching a favorite football team, or a July afternoon watching their favorite baseball team. And fly-overs. Ugh ... don't even get me started on what happens when there is a flyover.

My family has always been a passionate family when it comes to our sports. There have been family feuds because of sports. My husband and my parents are still on rocky ground because he cannot fathom liking the Bucs instead of the Bears (shhhhhh ... I like the Bucs more still, but cannot say a word!!!!!).

We left my sister's 8th grade graduation early because the Bulls were playing the Lakers in the Finals. When we moved to Florida, before we opened any boxes or moved any furniture around, we had the couch set up, the TV plugged in, and the cable guy out because the final game of the Bulls/Suns series was on the night we moved in.



When the Bulls won all their Championships, I cried. I was so happy, so excited; it was awesome. I always think of those lonely people sitting in their homes, the ones who do nothing but watch "their" team, season after season, finally being able to celebrate something (yes, those are the kinds of things I think about).



Can you imagine how I will be when the Cubs finally win the whole thing (and they will, curses be damned!)? I will cry for a week! I will cry for my Grandpa watching down from Heaven, who will probably be drinking a Heavenly beer with me. I will cry for my Grandma, who hopefully will still be around, who knows the stats of every player on their roster, including their shoe sizes and waistlines. I will cry for those little old guys who used to sit at the Cubs games before they became "hip" and are now watching from wheelchairs.



God bless America for giving us a Country where our pastimes can give us respite from our day to day lives!



What my family has also been passionate about is this Country. It has been instilled in us since day one that we can love all of these things because we live in the United States. To this day, the 4th of July is my favorite holiday; not Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Years. I love the fact that we can fly our flags, decorate the house in red, white and blue ... and no one says a thing about even being too tacky.



I am a sucker for fireworks. I will sit out in the hot sun all day to hold the perfect spot for the viewing. I will go to as many firework shows as I possibly can ... it never gets old for me. Let's celebrate what this great Country was founded on. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. So, yes, I cry during these displays ... especially the ones that are synchronized with patriotic music ... I am mush.



I cry at parades. I cry when the Vets walk by and my children stand and salute the flag ... what a proud moment for any Mom and any American! I cry when the Little League teams are walking by and throwing candy out into the crowd. They live for this ... and I think it is awesome. I cry when I see the crowd, wearing their versions of red, white and blue, waving tiny flags and doing what we should be doing every day of our life - loving this great Country.



So ... I will let it out America. I will let those tears flow. I will enjoy those little (and big) moments in my life. I will relish those victories. I will look back at the baseball games I've attended and remember that they are the American way. I will enjoy seeing my kids learn that the hot dog and cotton candy at the ballpark is something we are supposed to do! And, yes, I will enjoy wiping my tears away with a tissue at those moments; knowing I am doing what I am free to do.

Puffy eyes and a pit in the tummy

So, I had to spend another day out in the field with "the boss." He wasn't too happy with me as I had scheduled a 6:00AM start to cover early shifts at one of my police stations.

Well, we got there, one thing lead to another and we were talking about work, etc. I told him that I am frustrated with the people in my territory (he blew that one off) and that I am working harder than most, and my numbers are below everyone else.

The one positive thing that he had to tell me is that he doesn't know anything else to say to me to help me improve. I am doing everything right. The awful thing - I am about one month away from being put on written probation.

That has never happened to me in my life ... never. It sux.

I know I say that I am ready to say buh-bye to this place ... but I want it my way. Being fired is not how I want to be thought of.

Once I was done at the police station with him, I got in my car and I cried. Like a big fat baby, I cried. I cried down Madison St. I cried down Austin and I cried all the way down 290. When I stopped ... and then thought about it again, I cried some more.

It sux. I feel like a failure. I am not a failure. But, I have no clue what to do to make it better or right.

I remember in 4th grade I got a D on my report card. Now, keep in mind, I was a straight A student ... even after 4th grade, I was straight A student. A "D" was a shocking blow to a 10 year old. What did I get my "D" in? Gym class. Namely, tumbling.

Try being a chubby girl, just hitting those, "I like boys" years, and not be able to do a cartwheel. It was bad enough that I was made fun of. On top of that MS Klinker (yep, I remember the broad's name) gave me an effing "D".

I remember for days walking around pretending it didn't bother me, but going to bed at night and sobbing in my pillow. I do not fail.

I do not get put on written probation.

I do not get fired.

I want to be at home with my kids. But, in order to do that I have to take out time from work. If I take time off of work, I do not have a leg to stand on. I feel like I am failing at both of my jobs. Which one do I save?