A big Eff you.

I've always been one to use the phrase, 'God will show us why someday.' Why we hurt, fall, fail, succeed..... God always answers us, sometimes, just not right when we want the answer.  I've talked about high school and my horrible breakup. Trying to remember the pain has been hard, as, it's been 26 years. God helps us forget how pain feels, I know, otherwise, why would anyone ever have a second child? Ha! Recently, I had the opportunity to finally find that high school sweetheart, after searching for all of those 26 years. My life got flipped around and suddenly I've come to find myself remembering all that I went through, the thrills an excitement, the love and tenderness, but also the hurt and pain and abandonment.  I found B a mess. Not what I thought I would find at all. A lonely alcoholic, older than he should be, hiding from life in a hotel room and drinking the days away.  We talked, a lot. Spent some time catching up, a lot of time listening to him struggle.  When we first reconnected we did have a phone call, I *thought* I got some closure from it. We talked about why he broke up with me, how it hurt me..... but as I look back on that conversation, I realize that he was progressively getting drinker on the phone and I doubt he remembers any of it. At the time though, I felt like I got some closure and affirmation that I had been waiting for all those years.  B decided to FINALLY start attending AA on Thanksgiving. He was a new person while attending meetings. He was thoughtful and considerate, becoming a friend, rather than a victim. I could see glimpses of the B I knew in high school.  Well, last week, he messed up. Ok, I thought, go back To a meeting, get back on the horse, ride the bike again, whatever! He said he would, and then he would and then after promising left and right, he lied and kept drinking.  And this, this is where I realize I may not be cut out for all of this. This is where I realize my pity for him has gone cold and maybe, no, not maybe, yes, all the anger inside that I had for him 26 years ago has once and for all surfaced and I have to find some way of getting it out.  If he were in front of me, well, so sorry he is this poor mess of a human being, here is what I have been wanting to say to him, now..... and then:  First, it bothers me that while the rest of us have to get up every day and work at life, you get to wallow and drink your days away. Shoot, what an easy choice. While you constantly say how hard it is, I feel it is the easy, the lazy way out. Getting sober would take WORK, it would take persistence, it would be daily, hourly, choices that sometimes would be hard. But hell, in this day and age there is help all over the fucking place. There are virtual therapists, virtual meetings, online masses and church services, public health facilities in every damned corner. Meetings scheduled more times each day then I probably pee. You are 43 years old.... grow. The. Fuck. Up.  Second, everything is consistently and always about you. Always. I have three children and a husband. I'm so sorry my troubles don't seem as valiant or monstrous as your but shoot, I don't want yours. You made choices, as did I..... don't hold your struggles through life like gold stars every time you feel bad. If I am going to spend time on you to hell if I am going To listen to another story about some asshole you hung out with 15 years ago screwed you. You chose to do this! This leads me to my next beef..... You have made your choices..... 25 years ago you picked up a pay phone and told me you needed 'space' at school. I spent over a year of my life truly loving the shit out of you. I know it was love, because, for 25 years I prayed for you. I prayed you were healthy and happy and that life took care of you. I knew it was real love because, when you LITERALLY showed up at my doorstep, I was right there, ready to listen, open my heart, my home and my family to you. But, that love wasn't as important as your partying college ways. See, I excused your selfishness away back then. While most girls got mad at a boyfriend, cut up flowers and pictures and cursed their name, me? Ha, I missed you, I still cherished everything you gave me. Any song on the radio that made me think of you literally hurt my heart. Hurt. My. Heart. Every morning, for three months, I woke up, realized I was a mess, puked my guts out, cried and then tried to get myself to school and act 'normal'. And, all the while, you never called, never wrote a letter. I. Was. Forgotten.  Now, now that I know your reason for dumping me wasn't *just* to experience college, but to become a drunk? I'm mad. I'm mad that I never took some of your shit and tore it up. I'm mad that the absolute pure love and friendship I gave you wasn't enough for you. A bottle, a shot, a party, another asshole drunk trumped my love and friendship. And *that* was YOUR fucking choice.  When you lied to me the other day about the promises you made and how you were going back to meetings, blah, blah, blah.... well, here we go again, right? The bottle beats me every fucking time.  I am so tired of you letting me know that my heart is only worth it when you *feel* like it. I'm sick of you getting to be a selfish asshole and throwing away my love and friendship.  Life is hard you say? Life hurts you say? Fuck you dude. When you give ALL of you to someone, when you worry at night about a person, when you cry for a person you haven't seen in 25 years and the pain you feel for them is still as powerful as the day you fell in love..... when you feel all that and then have the other person say 'fuck you' then, well, then you can tell me life hurts and life is hard. I spent a lifetime with mementos from you.... still packed away, still looked upon with love and held on with such regard. Every note you wrote, every card, every gift, every picture...... for the first time, I finally feel like tearing them up..... I finally feel like an angry girlfriend.  Fuck you for dumping me a week before my senior homecoming, so, as all of my friends were headed off to the formal, I was at home sobbing and throwing up.  Fuck you for never calling and checking in with me afterwards. I guess the word 'love' means a hell of a lot less to you than it does me.  Fuck you for when you did come back into town and you came over you acted as if you didn't even know me. You didn't want to hear about my life or anything.  Fuck you for when you were back in town and we did go to hang with friends, you didn't say a word to me (except when I picked your ass up and drove you home) because you spent the entire night in my girlfriends basement drinking beer with the other assholes.  Fuck you that when I told you on Christmas break that I had gifts for you, you said you didn't have time to see me .... for the entire month you were home.  Fuck you for when I called you at the end of that break crying because I found out we were moving away and I was devastated, you said you were busy and I would be fine.  Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU.  Fuck you for in one of the rare conversations we had you let me know that most of the gifts you bought for me were with money you stole from your jobs because you didn't want to spend *your* money on me. Fuck you.  Fuck you when I tried to say goodbye to you before the moving van was pulling away you were more interested in what you buddy was saying than any goodbye you could have given me. Your hug was half assed and sad.  Fuck you for all the years you ignored my existence. For all those years I wondered about you, thought about you and my name never crossed your mind.  Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU.  And here we are now..... me giving you my friendship AGAIN and you not giving a flying fuck.  Fuck you for lying to me. Fuck you for once again, picking a bottle over me. Fuck you.  Fuck you for taking ALL of the resources you have been given and throwing them out the window.... I opened my home, my family, my sisters have been praying for you, listening to me talk about you. I introduced my friend to you, and you couldn't even reach out, except when you were stone cold drunk and you went on a freaking rant. Fuck you. Fuck you for taking the lazy way out. Fuck you for disappearing rather than owning up to your shit. Fuck you.  Fuck you for always saying how much you appreciate that I found you, then go and fuck up your life.  Fuck you for assuming *I* will always be around, but when you wanna go on one of your drinking benders, so disappear (and love to threaten that shit all. The. Fucking. Time).  Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU! Fuck you, B, for squandering your life and making me watch.  Fuck you for taking our friendship and turning it into a circus.  Fuck you. 

Tales from the backseat....

Little L loves to ponder life from the booster in the backseat. Here are the questions I heard today, on our seven minute ride home from preschool. 

Mama, why are clouds white?

Mommy, why do we have knees?

Mama, when does the pool open?

Mama, is apple juice good for you or bad for you?

My feel good place

So, I have realized over time that I am someone who loves efficiency. When things operate like a clock, I'm in my happy place. 

I remember when I was working, we had a system where we wrote something down, them, entered into a spreadsheet, then entered it into another program. I was so absolutely blown away by the inefficiency at work, I could hardly stand it. Fortunately, I quit before I ever had the chance to see if it ever changed (Lors help me, I hope it did!). 

Anyway....

I grew up in a household where my Mom would always spring clean. And I mean, CLEAN. Baseboards, closets, behind beds..... I used I follow suit. Then, last year for Christmas, I received bar glasses. I looked at the box of bar glasses and then at the area I had established for that type of stuff and realized and needed a re-org. 

So, I got busy rearranging cabinets, which lead to cleaning the kitchen, which lead to my whole house getting a re-org through the entire month of January. 

I think we donated 14 bags full of stuff after all was said and done. 

Well, I decided I love cleaning in January. It's too cold to spend any time outside, my hands should remain busy other they will find food, and, there is something about kicking off the year with a fresh attitude. 

So, I've been cleaning closets and I feel great! My kids feel great.... and things will work. Efficiency, the key. A place for everything an everything in its place. 

I am back ... and ready for more!

 Well .... So much has changed in my life that I must fix my profile, and spend a lifetime typing with life happenings. let's just say, I've lost weight, gained weight. Made friends, lost friends. Cried and laughed. Walked and ran.
My babies? 11, 8 and 4!
Still working as a stay at home mom. Still alive and kicking - with passion!

Note to self

Stop drinking when you are tipsy, the next drink will make you drunk. 

Ugh. 

Make a mental note

Did a dummy and said yes, back in August, to being Big J's football team's team mom. 

They said there wasn't that much involved. 

Ha. 

I will say that again. Ha. With a freaking capital 'h'. 

I first had to compile the team roster- no biggie, but when people don't respond to 19 email, it sucks chasing them down. 

Then it was telling everyone about there game day duties: working the chains, doing the announcing, bringing the halftime Gatorade. 

Well, people bitched about when thy were doing it, why, could someone else do it....

Then I had to plan a beginning if the season party. Apparently asking each family to chip in $6 to go for pizza pissed several people off that thought it was unfair that a family if two would pay the same as a family of four. 

It continued all season. 

Send out game day reminders, pick up freaking pink socks for pink out day, pick up helmet stickers, gather more money, prepare homecoming banners, pick up homecoming banners, plan trophy party, replan trophy party when we get a game scheduled. 

Now?

People want me to reschedule our end of the season party because their older children have games later that afternoon. 

Um. There are 19 families- I'm supposed to reconfigure the entire thing for THREE families?

Nope. 

My problem?

I'm a stupid people pleaser. I freaking hate upsetting anyone.  My flaw. My big stinking flaw that gives me upset stomachs and keeps me up at night worrying- pleasing people. 

Well, I will be upsetting some and I am going to say, tough cookies. 

Remind of all this bullshit when they ask me to volunteer next year ..... Remind me, please. 

Changes (from Sept 2011)

I have a new perspective in life these days ... and it took a person I hadn't seen in almost twenty years to help me with that.
So, about a month ago, a guy I had known since high school let me know he was coming into town for his reunion and that he wanted to get together and catch up with me and another one if our friends.
I planned on it, but thought for sure, it would go forgotten.
Last week, he sent a message and said to still plan on it. That is when I started to feel weird - a married Mommy going out with two guys? How bad would that look? Although E was totally fine with it (but kept reminding me to cover my drink cuz you never know what they may slip in it!), I felt weird. SO, I invited a girlfriend - besides, it would give me a chance to go out with her too!
So, flash back to Friday night. I picked my girlfriend up and then headed out to pick up K.
The three of us went to eat and the reminiscing started. I remembered so much. I had forgotten so much.
After we ate we went to a bar. Wait, this was not a bar, it was a club. Do you know the last time I was at a club? I walked right past the guy taking cover (Cover? Cover? WTF is cover?). I Was all out of whack.
We had a great time. I am talking, A.Great.Time. We talked, dance, reminisced ...
Through the night I became aware of just how much I cared about K when we hung out. We had a weird relationship - one that I cannot even define. We were friends, for years. We hung out on Friday and Saturday nights with a group of friends. He was always the nice one of the bunch - the one one that would listen or console, which is why I always valued him being around. Toward the end of high school, he enlisted in the Navy. I was graduating and moving to Florida. I was also getting over a horrible breakup and he was one of the only people around me that listened to me and helped. It was then that our relationship turned to a more "dating" type. Even then though, we weren't "dating." He was never my "boyfriend," but I always knew that I cared a lot about him.
I moved. He went away and we wrote letters. Lots of letters (wow - wonder how it would have been with email?!). After about two years, the letters suddenly stopped. K and I both tried to figure out why they stopped, but neither of us knew.
I think I realized how much I wished those letters would have continued throughout these last fifteen years. K always knew how to make me feel good. Good about me.
We flirted. A lot. He made me realize that I need to hear those things, no matter how much I put on that I don't. For a few hours, last Friday night, I wasn't Mommy, I wasn't E's wife, I wasn't a 37 year old adult. I was back to being 18 and feeling care-free. I never did anything ... but it felt good to not worry ... just for a bit.
We said good-bye that night at 3:00 (do you know the last time I was out till 3:00? Yea, me either). As soon as I got back into the car with my girlfriend, I started to sob.
It was like my whole world changed in an instant. Realizations of things I don't have in my life, but need, desperately. Realizations of how I cared for this guy back then, more than I ever realized I had. I missed our friendship. I missed feeling like I mattered in life.
My girlfriend was awesome. Hit everything on the head like a sledgehammer. Thank GOD she was there (for many reasons).
I called K after I dropped my friend off ... I wanted to let him know everything. That maybe I should have told him, twenty years ago, that I cared. That he mattered. I was always so afraid I would "scare" him off. That he would think I wanted "more." But, maybe I did. Maybe I shouldn't live my life always being afraid of what someone else will think.
I do it now. I don't tell E how I am feeling - fearful of upsetting him or starting something bigger. I don't say what I need. I don't tell E that I need to feel sexy. I need to hear it from him. I am missing that in my life, and my night out showed me that I have gaping holes in my relationship because of it.
K and I talked a lot throughout the rest of the weekend. It was cathartic. I rediscovered an old friend, and through the process, I rediscovered the "girl" in me. The "woman" in me. Not the Mom. Not the spouse. Not the daughter, employee, cook, cleaning lady, sister, driver friend ... but the woman who needs to be treated like one. I have had friends in my life all these years, but it took one that I hadn't seen in twenty years upside down.
K left on Tuesday and I was sad. He lives across the country and more than likely, I probably won't see him again. Sure, there is Twitter, Facebook, texts ... but, I will miss my friend.
But, I thank God, that I was given an opportunity to reconnect - it changed my life in so many ways.
I think E has noticed this change. He sending the boys to Grandmas for the weekend. We are finally going out to celebrate our anniversary from last month.
Like K said, maybe through all of the chaos that I felt over the weekend, something good will come out of it at home.
So far, so good.

After K left I remembered I song that I have always loved, but it never quite hit home until now:
I'm Alright by JoDee Messina
Well it's been a long time glad to see your face
I knew we'd meet again another time another place
Can't believe it's been so many years
You'd better grab a chair and a couple of beers
Lookin' good in you three piece suit
You know, I always knew you'd take the business route
You were always the one to follow the light and you look like you're doing alright

Been singin' for my rent and singin' for my supper
I'm above the below and below the upper
I'm stuck in the middle where money gets tight
But I guess I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright

Well we had a lot of dreams when we were younger
They thought we were crazy but we had the hunger
We kept a lot of friends, skipped a lot of class
Been on top of the world and knocked on our ____
We lost touch, we lost in love
We lost our minds when things got tough, but
Beatin' time is a losin' fight and I guess I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright

Well I hate to see this evening end
God only knows when I'll see you again
Just send a fax or send me a letter or give me a call that would even be better
Give the kids a kiss for me and say hello to the family
And tell them all my future's lookin' bright
Well, I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright
I said I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright
I'm doin' alright

Need a place to let it all out ...

OK - It has been a long time. A really ... really long time. But I think it's time I get back in the blogging game. Without being in the working world the one thing I miss out on is being able to just vent to people who had no clue what I was talking about, but I got it out, and every once in a while I would get some nugget of advice or something that would spark my brain.

Life at home with three kids is crazy. Life at home with three kids and then being room mom to two classrooms is crazier. Life at home with three kids, being room mom to two classrooms and being team mom to a needy football team is even crazier!!!!

Life at home is crazy ... being on a budget sucks, especially since I can never make it and I have no clue where else to cut corners, If I could find something that would bring in $100 or $200 a month ... wow. What a difference.

Now onto folding laundry, cuz work at home doesn't have an end time!

Will-power vs 'will it really matter?'

So, will power is not winning lately.

You know when you have PMS and you feel like eating everything, all day, all night, and you are never full?

For the past month that has been my life. It wouldn't be such a killer if I actually had a desire to workout. Normally I can get into a groove, start enjoying the high I get from a great workout. Lately, I would rather sleep or watch a Beverly Hills 90210 rerun. It has been more satisfying to be quite honest. Now, will I say it's more satisfying when our pools open and my fatty fatty self will need to prance around in a bathing suit? Nope.

So, I need to find my inner- skinny girl. I need to find that girl who used to be addicted to 5:30 wake-ups and Spin classes.

Until I find all of that, I think I just need to find my duck tape- and close my mouth and refrigerator!!!!!

Beat me up days...

So, my lovely period must be coming any day now. Why? You ask? Well.....
I stare in the mirror 120 times a day and pick myself apart.
I hate my nose.
I think I need a new hairdo.
I will probably never lose my baby belly.
I am too short.
I can not handle the construction in my house anymore. Can. Not. Handle.
I have the patience of a pea. Make that half a pea.
Everyone.... E. V. E. R. Y. O. N. E. is under my skin.
I checked the calendar and, yep, it's about time.