Changes (from Sept 2011)

I have a new perspective in life these days ... and it took a person I hadn't seen in almost twenty years to help me with that.
So, about a month ago, a guy I had known since high school let me know he was coming into town for his reunion and that he wanted to get together and catch up with me and another one if our friends.
I planned on it, but thought for sure, it would go forgotten.
Last week, he sent a message and said to still plan on it. That is when I started to feel weird - a married Mommy going out with two guys? How bad would that look? Although E was totally fine with it (but kept reminding me to cover my drink cuz you never know what they may slip in it!), I felt weird. SO, I invited a girlfriend - besides, it would give me a chance to go out with her too!
So, flash back to Friday night. I picked my girlfriend up and then headed out to pick up K.
The three of us went to eat and the reminiscing started. I remembered so much. I had forgotten so much.
After we ate we went to a bar. Wait, this was not a bar, it was a club. Do you know the last time I was at a club? I walked right past the guy taking cover (Cover? Cover? WTF is cover?). I Was all out of whack.
We had a great time. I am talking, A.Great.Time. We talked, dance, reminisced ...
Through the night I became aware of just how much I cared about K when we hung out. We had a weird relationship - one that I cannot even define. We were friends, for years. We hung out on Friday and Saturday nights with a group of friends. He was always the nice one of the bunch - the one one that would listen or console, which is why I always valued him being around. Toward the end of high school, he enlisted in the Navy. I was graduating and moving to Florida. I was also getting over a horrible breakup and he was one of the only people around me that listened to me and helped. It was then that our relationship turned to a more "dating" type. Even then though, we weren't "dating." He was never my "boyfriend," but I always knew that I cared a lot about him.
I moved. He went away and we wrote letters. Lots of letters (wow - wonder how it would have been with email?!). After about two years, the letters suddenly stopped. K and I both tried to figure out why they stopped, but neither of us knew.
I think I realized how much I wished those letters would have continued throughout these last fifteen years. K always knew how to make me feel good. Good about me.
We flirted. A lot. He made me realize that I need to hear those things, no matter how much I put on that I don't. For a few hours, last Friday night, I wasn't Mommy, I wasn't E's wife, I wasn't a 37 year old adult. I was back to being 18 and feeling care-free. I never did anything ... but it felt good to not worry ... just for a bit.
We said good-bye that night at 3:00 (do you know the last time I was out till 3:00? Yea, me either). As soon as I got back into the car with my girlfriend, I started to sob.
It was like my whole world changed in an instant. Realizations of things I don't have in my life, but need, desperately. Realizations of how I cared for this guy back then, more than I ever realized I had. I missed our friendship. I missed feeling like I mattered in life.
My girlfriend was awesome. Hit everything on the head like a sledgehammer. Thank GOD she was there (for many reasons).
I called K after I dropped my friend off ... I wanted to let him know everything. That maybe I should have told him, twenty years ago, that I cared. That he mattered. I was always so afraid I would "scare" him off. That he would think I wanted "more." But, maybe I did. Maybe I shouldn't live my life always being afraid of what someone else will think.
I do it now. I don't tell E how I am feeling - fearful of upsetting him or starting something bigger. I don't say what I need. I don't tell E that I need to feel sexy. I need to hear it from him. I am missing that in my life, and my night out showed me that I have gaping holes in my relationship because of it.
K and I talked a lot throughout the rest of the weekend. It was cathartic. I rediscovered an old friend, and through the process, I rediscovered the "girl" in me. The "woman" in me. Not the Mom. Not the spouse. Not the daughter, employee, cook, cleaning lady, sister, driver friend ... but the woman who needs to be treated like one. I have had friends in my life all these years, but it took one that I hadn't seen in twenty years upside down.
K left on Tuesday and I was sad. He lives across the country and more than likely, I probably won't see him again. Sure, there is Twitter, Facebook, texts ... but, I will miss my friend.
But, I thank God, that I was given an opportunity to reconnect - it changed my life in so many ways.
I think E has noticed this change. He sending the boys to Grandmas for the weekend. We are finally going out to celebrate our anniversary from last month.
Like K said, maybe through all of the chaos that I felt over the weekend, something good will come out of it at home.
So far, so good.

After K left I remembered I song that I have always loved, but it never quite hit home until now:
I'm Alright by JoDee Messina
Well it's been a long time glad to see your face
I knew we'd meet again another time another place
Can't believe it's been so many years
You'd better grab a chair and a couple of beers
Lookin' good in you three piece suit
You know, I always knew you'd take the business route
You were always the one to follow the light and you look like you're doing alright

Been singin' for my rent and singin' for my supper
I'm above the below and below the upper
I'm stuck in the middle where money gets tight
But I guess I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright

Well we had a lot of dreams when we were younger
They thought we were crazy but we had the hunger
We kept a lot of friends, skipped a lot of class
Been on top of the world and knocked on our ____
We lost touch, we lost in love
We lost our minds when things got tough, but
Beatin' time is a losin' fight and I guess I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright

Well I hate to see this evening end
God only knows when I'll see you again
Just send a fax or send me a letter or give me a call that would even be better
Give the kids a kiss for me and say hello to the family
And tell them all my future's lookin' bright
Well, I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright
I said I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright
I'm doin' alright

Need a place to let it all out ...

OK - It has been a long time. A really ... really long time. But I think it's time I get back in the blogging game. Without being in the working world the one thing I miss out on is being able to just vent to people who had no clue what I was talking about, but I got it out, and every once in a while I would get some nugget of advice or something that would spark my brain.

Life at home with three kids is crazy. Life at home with three kids and then being room mom to two classrooms is crazier. Life at home with three kids, being room mom to two classrooms and being team mom to a needy football team is even crazier!!!!

Life at home is crazy ... being on a budget sucks, especially since I can never make it and I have no clue where else to cut corners, If I could find something that would bring in $100 or $200 a month ... wow. What a difference.

Now onto folding laundry, cuz work at home doesn't have an end time!

Will-power vs 'will it really matter?'

So, will power is not winning lately.

You know when you have PMS and you feel like eating everything, all day, all night, and you are never full?

For the past month that has been my life. It wouldn't be such a killer if I actually had a desire to workout. Normally I can get into a groove, start enjoying the high I get from a great workout. Lately, I would rather sleep or watch a Beverly Hills 90210 rerun. It has been more satisfying to be quite honest. Now, will I say it's more satisfying when our pools open and my fatty fatty self will need to prance around in a bathing suit? Nope.

So, I need to find my inner- skinny girl. I need to find that girl who used to be addicted to 5:30 wake-ups and Spin classes.

Until I find all of that, I think I just need to find my duck tape- and close my mouth and refrigerator!!!!!

Beat me up days...

So, my lovely period must be coming any day now. Why? You ask? Well.....
I stare in the mirror 120 times a day and pick myself apart.
I hate my nose.
I think I need a new hairdo.
I will probably never lose my baby belly.
I am too short.
I can not handle the construction in my house anymore. Can. Not. Handle.
I have the patience of a pea. Make that half a pea.
Everyone.... E. V. E. R. Y. O. N. E. is under my skin.
I checked the calendar and, yep, it's about time.

Saturdays

So, in this crazy world of being a stay at home mom, I've come to a scary revelation: Saturday mornings have lost their excitement. Really, they have.
I use to be excited about maybe getting a few extra seconds of sleep while the boys watched cartoon (a cute 6 month old has changed that), or breakfast out, or maybe just a lazy cup of coffee.
Well, Saturday mornings have become just like Monday mornings/ just with one extra child and a husband who still thinks Saturdays are days to sleep in.
I still get up with lady l, feed the children, clean the mess, listen to the whining, and watch little j wander back and forth because 'he's bort cuz he cannot play on his video game.'
Think I need a little break in some of the monotony?
Hell yes!!!!!!!!

Blech.....

Ever just have one if those days?

You know, the ones where you feel yucky, you feel like you 'look' yucky, your house is messy, the kids, messy .......

Yep, today is one of those days!

Gotta get back in the groove

So much has happened since I last posted - probably need to really sit down and catch it all up in paper.
Little L was born in July- she is 6 months old.
I quit my job in September - yahhooooooo! That is a post all it's own!
Now I'm just mommy... And maid... And chef... And chauffeur.... And telemarketer....
It's all crazy- but I love every second ( almost).

A nail in the proverbial coffin

A while back I wrote a post about the icky abusive asshole I dated way back when. I wrote about he sent me an email telling me he wanted to talk to me about things he did when we were dating, but he never responded again.

Well, around the middle of October I was feeling empowered and I wanted to clean some of my life out and I sent him this email:

Stephen

I was cleaning out my email and came across this message and I realized that I never did respond to your original message.

I didn't respond, because, quite honestly, I was afraid. Afraid of ruining the progress I had made over the twelve years of my life that I was away from you. I was afraid to send my life back into a darkness that was deep and scary.

But, now, I am completely ready to respond to you without any fear or reservation.

I thought I loved you when I was with you. I was a fool to think that was love. What you spewed was hate. Pure hate.

You controlled me, you manipulated me, you beat me down until I felt I was worthless, worthless without you.

You used God as a battering ram. You threw Bible verses at me and tried to use that as a sword. I remember one vividly, "Have faith like a child" You loved that verse - used it to tell me that I was faithless because I wouldn't run to a courthouse and marry you. Faithless? Not in my eyes - thank God I knew that.

You told me that I was wrong for loving my family. I was wrong for having friends. I was wrong for smiling without you telling me I could. You accused me of sleeping with guy I talked with, even friends I had had for years.

You called me a whore, you made me feel like I was a dirty.

You criticized the way I laughed, the way I smiled, the way I dressed. You isolated me from family, from friends. You belittled me in front of people and then asked me apologize from embarrassing you. You locked me in your apartment and told me to clean it. You sent bitter, hateful messages to me, calling me names like, bitch and whore and tramp. You would pull me into rooms and show me how I made a bed incorrectly or left a toilet seat up.

You criticized my family, telling me nothing short of how evil they were, and you let me know it on a daily basis.

You were horribly abusive, in every way imaginable, without ever laying a hand on me. The scars you inflicted upon me were gruesome, yet never visible. I spent years trying to erase those scars, trying to heal those scars, trying to strengthen the me around those scars.

You tried to beat me down, and in the end you did everything opposite of what you wanted. I became a stronger Catholic, a stronger woman, a happier woman - without you.

What made me so sad, was that I knew you were doing it to someone else when I finally left you. How do I know? She called me - and she sounded just as scared. I wished I could help, but knew to stay healthy, I had to stay away.

Hopefully one day you will understand what you did to women - and you will understand that it never made you a Godly man. So, please, don't let me know how much God loves me - I NEVER needed you to tell me, I always knew, I was just blinded for a time.

I do not carry your burdens and hurts on my heart any more. I have been free of that for a long time, but I will not ever forget and I just wanted you to know that.

I received this response two days later:

Lisa,
Thank you for responding back to me, for being open to hearing what I hope to share with you, and for being honest and frank. I very much appreciate what you expressed, and now I want to own how I know that I hurt you and how I sinned against you.
Going back to the time when we met, I know now I was a mess inside, and that I had no idea how, to what extent, or why. For example, for so much of my life, I have felt desperate and needy for attention, love, affection and approval – in fact I felt starved for it. And any time I found it, or to any extent that it became a reality, I clung to the source, the person, with so much fear, so scared to lose it. I didn’t have the strength of character, or trust in the Lord, and didn’t have peace inside, or a foundation, to make healthy relational decisions, or to be a steady source of love and protection and provision.
I know now I was drenched in guilt and shame, from my own wrongs and sins. I was full of bitterness and anger and unforgiveness toward my family – and struggling with the associated fear that came from it.
Also, deep down, I felt no one could or would ever really and genuinely love me, or at least not for very long before they turned on me or gave up on me or left me for someone else.
To make matters more complicated, in our case, we were not fit to be together (not a bad thing…just not a fit), and I knew it from the beginning. And though I never felt right about us, I was weak and feeble, and feeding on your attention, love, affection, and approval – to the point where I not only did not respectfully and lovingly turn away from a potential start to a relationship for us from the beginning – but I caused you a whole host of ongoing hurt and pain and fear and tension in the time after.
In other words, I was reeling in fear, insecurity, unforgiveness, and hurt…and in addition from the tension inside from knowing we’re not on the same page…yet I was desperately afraid and unable to let you go or turn away.
I was broken and wounded and angry. I was demanding, critical and untrusting, hurtful, abusive, rejecting, and awful in my treatment of you so often. I caused you much hurt and injury in my lashing out with words and emotions and cruelty – and in trying to change you, thinking somehow we could become a good fit.
And when I left Florida, I never, ever expected I would feel so isolated, alone, and detached. And there again I wrongfully pushed for you to be here, and wrongfully pushed for us to get married.I was also wrong and I am so sorry for sinning in a sexual way with you while we were together. This was further destructive toward you. The loving thing for me to do would have been to cherish you and protect you and value you, and honor the Lord in abstaining.
My treatment of you was shameful and it had nothing to do with you, and did not bear any reflection on you whatsoever. But it made clear what was in my heart.If He has not already, I pray the Lord will fully heal you from any and every hurt, from any effects of my sin against you, and that He will restore everything that was injured or lost. I pray He will work what I did that was evil for your good. I pray He will give you the grace to forgive me and be completely free from it all. I pray you will be filled with His grace and love and joy and peace that passes understanding. I pray you will be blessed in your heart and in your soul. I pray the Lord will make His face to shine upon you.I am sorry for the ways I hurt you, for my treatment of you, and for what you suffered in the process. If I could go back, I would treat you with love and respect and honor, and make very different choices.
I am so sorry and I pray for your forgiveness, though I know full well I do not deserve it.
Stephen

I wanted to respond SO badly .... I wanted to 'put up my dukes' and finally come to blows. I wanted to let him know that his email was still showing that nothing has changed. He took none of the blame ... pretended that he tried to end things, blah, blah, blah. But ... I did what I had intended all along - I deleted and left it. I was just now deleting all of my sent email and that is the end of Stephen. Forgiven .... but not ever forgotten.

33% done

Well, I have made it into the second trimester. Gained 6 pounds so far (three in each boob, I swear). Spent the past two months walking around feeling like I was going to vomit at any given moment (but never happening) and needing to eat every two hours to avoid the vomit sensation (but it didn't help the 'I don't wanna gain that much wait' goal! Also been battling a blood pressure reading that sky rockets every time I go to the doctor's office, so I am doing my best to combat that as well.
Now, I am starting to feel the lovely pull in my jeans and the headaches have started ... who are those people that love pregnancy, cuz I would like to see how they felt!
Trying to figure out now when to tell boss-man ... I just don't see his reaction being an exceptionally excited one. It always all about what affects him and the bottom line. Trouble is: I really don't care!
So, let's hope the queasiness goes away, the announcement goes uneventful and I get some energy back to figure out where my life is going from here!
6 more months!

Update

Remember how I was worried? Yep .... baby number three due July 18.