Mommy is Ready for Happy Hour

A nail in the proverbial coffin

2012-01-24T10:19:00.004-06:00

A while back I wrote a post about the icky abusive asshole I dated way back when. I wrote about he sent me an email telling me he wanted to talk to me about things he did when we were dating, but he never responded again.

Well, around the middle of October I was feeling empowered and I wanted to clean some of my life out and I sent him this email:

Stephen

I was cleaning out my email and came across this message and I realized that I never did respond to your original message.

I didn't respond, because, quite honestly, I was afraid. Afraid of ruining the progress I had made over the twelve years of my life that I was away from you. I was afraid to send my life back into a darkness that was deep and scary.

But, now, I am completely ready to respond to you without any fear or reservation.

I thought I loved you when I was with you. I was a fool to think that was love. What you spewed was hate. Pure hate.

You controlled me, you manipulated me, you beat me down until I felt I was worthless, worthless without you.

You used God as a battering ram. You threw Bible verses at me and tried to use that as a sword. I remember one vividly, "Have faith like a child" You loved that verse - used it to tell me that I was faithless because I wouldn't run to a courthouse and marry you. Faithless? Not in my eyes - thank God I knew that.

You told me that I was wrong for loving my family. I was wrong for having friends. I was wrong for smiling without you telling me I could. You accused me of sleeping with guy I talked with, even friends I had had for years.

You called me a whore, you made me feel like I was a dirty.

You criticized the way I laughed, the way I smiled, the way I dressed. You isolated me from family, from friends. You belittled me in front of people and then asked me apologize from embarrassing you. You locked me in your apartment and told me to clean it. You sent bitter, hateful messages to me, calling me names like, bitch and whore and tramp. You would pull me into rooms and show me how I made a bed incorrectly or left a toilet seat up.

You criticized my family, telling me nothing short of how evil they were, and you let me know it on a daily basis.

You were horribly abusive, in every way imaginable, without ever laying a hand on me. The scars you inflicted upon me were gruesome, yet never visible. I spent years trying to erase those scars, trying to heal those scars, trying to strengthen the me around those scars.

You tried to beat me down, and in the end you did everything opposite of what you wanted. I became a stronger Catholic, a stronger woman, a happier woman - without you.

What made me so sad, was that I knew you were doing it to someone else when I finally left you. How do I know? She called me - and she sounded just as scared. I wished I could help, but knew to stay healthy, I had to stay away.

Hopefully one day you will understand what you did to women - and you will understand that it never made you a Godly man. So, please, don't let me know how much God loves me - I NEVER needed you to tell me, I always knew, I was just blinded for a time.

I do not carry your burdens and hurts on my heart any more. I have been free of that for a long time, but I will not ever forget and I just wanted you to know that.

I received this response two days later:

Lisa,
Thank you for responding back to me, for being open to hearing what I hope to share with you, and for being honest and frank. I very much appreciate what you expressed, and now I want to own how I know that I hurt you and how I sinned against you.
Going back to the time when we met, I know now I was a mess inside, and that I had no idea how, to what extent, or why. For example, for so much of my life, I have felt desperate and needy for attention, love, affection and approval – in fact I felt starved for it. And any time I found it, or to any extent that it became a reality, I clung to the source, the person, with so much fear, so scared to lose it. I didn’t have the strength of character, or trust in the Lord, and didn’t have peace inside, or a foundation, to make healthy relational decisions, or to be a steady source of love and protection and provision.
I know now I was drenched in guilt and shame, from my own wrongs and sins. I was full of bitterness and anger and unforgiveness toward my family – and struggling with the associated fear that came from it.
Also, deep down, I felt no one could or would ever really and genuinely love me, or at least not for very long before they turned on me or gave up on me or left me for someone else.
To make matters more complicated, in our case, we were not fit to be together (not a bad thing…just not a fit), and I knew it from the beginning. And though I never felt right about us, I was weak and feeble, and feeding on your attention, love, affection, and approval – to the point where I not only did not respectfully and lovingly turn away from a potential start to a relationship for us from the beginning – but I caused you a whole host of ongoing hurt and pain and fear and tension in the time after.
In other words, I was reeling in fear, insecurity, unforgiveness, and hurt…and in addition from the tension inside from knowing we’re not on the same page…yet I was desperately afraid and unable to let you go or turn away.
I was broken and wounded and angry. I was demanding, critical and untrusting, hurtful, abusive, rejecting, and awful in my treatment of you so often. I caused you much hurt and injury in my lashing out with words and emotions and cruelty – and in trying to change you, thinking somehow we could become a good fit.
And when I left Florida, I never, ever expected I would feel so isolated, alone, and detached. And there again I wrongfully pushed for you to be here, and wrongfully pushed for us to get married.I was also wrong and I am so sorry for sinning in a sexual way with you while we were together. This was further destructive toward you. The loving thing for me to do would have been to cherish you and protect you and value you, and honor the Lord in abstaining.
My treatment of you was shameful and it had nothing to do with you, and did not bear any reflection on you whatsoever. But it made clear what was in my heart.If He has not already, I pray the Lord will fully heal you from any and every hurt, from any effects of my sin against you, and that He will restore everything that was injured or lost. I pray He will work what I did that was evil for your good. I pray He will give you the grace to forgive me and be completely free from it all. I pray you will be filled with His grace and love and joy and peace that passes understanding. I pray you will be blessed in your heart and in your soul. I pray the Lord will make His face to shine upon you.I am sorry for the ways I hurt you, for my treatment of you, and for what you suffered in the process. If I could go back, I would treat you with love and respect and honor, and make very different choices.
I am so sorry and I pray for your forgiveness, though I know full well I do not deserve it.
Stephen

I wanted to respond SO badly .... I wanted to 'put up my dukes' and finally come to blows. I wanted to let him know that his email was still showing that nothing has changed. He took none of the blame ... pretended that he tried to end things, blah, blah, blah. But ... I did what I had intended all along - I deleted and left it. I was just now deleting all of my sent email and that is the end of Stephen. Forgiven .... but not ever forgotten.

33% done

2012-01-24T09:38:00.003-06:00

Well, I have made it into the second trimester. Gained 6 pounds so far (three in each boob, I swear). Spent the past two months walking around feeling like I was going to vomit at any given moment (but never happening) and needing to eat every two hours to avoid the vomit sensation (but it didn't help the 'I don't wanna gain that much wait' goal! Also been battling a blood pressure reading that sky rockets every time I go to the doctor's office, so I am doing my best to combat that as well.
Now, I am starting to feel the lovely pull in my jeans and the headaches have started ... who are those people that love pregnancy, cuz I would like to see how they felt!
Trying to figure out now when to tell boss-man ... I just don't see his reaction being an exceptionally excited one. It always all about what affects him and the bottom line. Trouble is: I really don't care!
So, let's hope the queasiness goes away, the announcement goes uneventful and I get some energy back to figure out where my life is going from here!
6 more months!

Update

2012-01-03T11:53:00.002-06:00

Remember how I was worried? Yep .... baby number three due July 18.

A third?

2011-11-15T14:48:00.003-06:00

Yes, it is going to be another one of 'those' posts. If I don't write about it, I'll drive myself mental.

I have consistently said that I am 50/50 on the whole 'third child' idea. I am starting to think I most like 90/10 .... 90 no, 10 yes.

And I was supposed to start yesterday. I know, still early, but, did you ever notice that every symptom you get before your period is also a symptom of pregnancy???

And, I am in an office all day and cannot go test anything.

Fuck me.

Changes

2011-10-06T08:44:00.004-05:00

I have a new perspective in life these days ... and it took a person I hadn't seen in almost twenty years to help me with that.
So, about a month ago, a guy I had known since high school let me know he was coming into town for his reunion and that he wanted to get together and catch up with me and another one if our friends.
I planned on it, but thought for sure, it would go forgotten.
Last week, he sent a message and said to still plan on it. That is when I started to feel weird - a married Mommy going out with two guys? How bad would that look? Although E was totally fine with it (but kept reminding me to cover my drink cuz you never know what they may slip in it!), I felt weird. SO, I invited a girlfriend - besides, it would give me a chance to go out with her too!
So, flash back to Friday night. I picked my girlfriend up and then headed out to pick up K.
The three of us went to eat and the reminiscing started. I remembered so much. I had forgotten so much.
After we ate we went to a bar. Wait, this was not a bar, it was a club. Do you know the last time I was at a club? I walked right past the guy taking cover (Cover? Cover? WTF is cover?). I Was all out of whack.
We had a great time. I am talking, A.Great.Time. We talked, dance, reminisced ...
Through the night I became aware of just how much I cared about K when we hung out. We had a weird relationship - one that I cannot even define. We were friends, for years. We hung out on Friday and Saturday nights with a group of friends. He was always the nice one of the bunch - the one one that would listen or console, which is why I always valued him being around. Toward the end of high school, he enlisted in the Navy. I was graduating and moving to Florida. I was also getting over a horrible breakup and he was one of the only people around me that listened to me and helped. It was then that our relationship turned to a more "dating" type. Even then though, we weren't "dating." He was never my "boyfriend," but I always knew that I cared a lot about him.
I moved. He went away and we wrote letters. Lots of letters (wow - wonder how it would have been with email?!). After about two years, the letters suddenly stopped. K and I both tried to figure out why they stopped, but neither of us knew.
I think I realized how much I wished those letters would have continued throughout these last fifteen years. K always knew how to make me feel good. Good about me.
We flirted. A lot. He made me realize that I need to hear those things, no matter how much I put on that I don't. For a few hours, last Friday night, I wasn't Mommy, I wasn't E's wife, I wasn't a 37 year old adult. I was back to being 18 and feeling care-free. I never did anything ... but it felt good to not worry ... just for a bit.
We said good-bye that night at 3:00 (do you know the last time I was out till 3:00? Yea, me either). As soon as I got back into the car with my girlfriend, I started to sob.
It was like my whole world changed in an instant. Realizations of things I don't have in my life, but need, desperately. Realizations of how I cared for this guy back then, more than I ever realized I had. I missed our friendship. I missed feeling like I mattered in life.
My girlfriend was awesome. Hit everything on the head like a sledgehammer. Thank GOD she was there (for many reasons).
I called K after I dropped my friend off ... I wanted to let him know everything. That maybe I should have told him, twenty years ago, that I cared. That he mattered. I was always so afraid I would "scare" him off. That he would think I wanted "more." But, maybe I did. Maybe I shouldn't live my life always being afraid of what someone else will think.
I do it now. I don't tell E how I am feeling - fearful of upsetting him or starting something bigger. I don't say what I need. I don't tell E that I need to feel sexy. I need to hear it from him. I am missing that in my life, and my night out showed me that I have gaping holes in my relationship because of it.
K and I talked a lot throughout the rest of the weekend. It was cathartic. I rediscovered an old friend, and through the process, I rediscovered the "girl" in me. The "woman" in me. Not the Mom. Not the spouse. Not the daughter, employee, cook, cleaning lady, sister, driver friend ... but the woman who needs to be treated like one. I have had friends in my life all these years, but it took one that I hadn't seen in twenty years upside down.
K left on Tuesday and I was sad. He lives across the country and more than likely, I probably won't see him again. Sure, there is Twitter, Facebook, texts ... but, I will miss my friend.
But, I thank God, that I was given an opportunity to reconnect - it changed my life in so many ways.
I think E has noticed this change. He sending the boys to Grandmas for the weekend. We are finally going out to celebrate our anniversary from last month.
Like K said, maybe through all of the chaos that I felt over the weekend, something good will come out of it at home.
So far, so good.

After K left I remembered I song that I have always loved, but it never quite hit home until now:
I'm Alright by JoDee Messina
Well it's been a long time glad to see your face
I knew we'd meet again another time another place
Can't believe it's been so many years
You'd better grab a chair and a couple of beers
Lookin' good in you three piece suit
You know, I always knew you'd take the business route
You were always the one to follow the light and you look like you're doing alright

Been singin' for my rent and singin' for my supper
I'm above the below and below the upper
I'm stuck in the middle where money gets tight
But I guess I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright

Well we had a lot of dreams when we were younger
They thought we were crazy but we had the hunger
We kept a lot of friends, skipped a lot of class
Been on top of the world and knocked on our ____
We lost touch, we lost in love
We lost our minds when things got tough, but
Beatin' time is a losin' fight and I guess I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright

Well I hate to see this evening end
God only knows when I'll see you again
Just send a fax or send me a letter or give me a call that would even be better
Give the kids a kiss for me and say hello to the family
And tell them all my future's lookin' bright
Well, I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright
I said I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright
I'm doin' alright

As time goes by ...

2011-09-29T16:03:00.004-05:00

I hate typing. I hate going back and correcting all of my awful typing mistakes. I cannot type and think about or do anything else at the same time.

Life has spun completely into the chaotic zone.

Hence, I have not blogged since July.

What has happened since? Oh, holy hell .... what hasn't happened?

Went to Florida in August to pick up the boys. Spent time, as usual, in the pool, drinking, eating and chilling with my parents, sisters and Baby N.

Took family pictures for the first time in three years for our Church directory. Wow.

The boys were ring bearers in my SIL's wedding. They were the cutest things there (not biased, at all).

Big J started FIRST grade. Holy crap - he is old. ... that must mean I am old!

little j started preschool. He loves homework (ha! I will remind him of that someday!).

My Dad came in for a surprise (and fast) visit. He went to see my sick Grandma, but spent a few hours playing with the boys and drinking with me .... ;)

College football started ... my Knights have already pissed me off, but I still love 'em.

Went to a wedding with E, drank a few extra vodka tonics, rough start the following morning, but I took care of business!

Big J lost his two front teeth - he sounds hysterical!!!!

little j is slowly getting rid of pull ups for nighttime. Doctors say its normal until he is 5. Oh God bless me!

The Rays are in the playoffs after a night of baseball chaos!

I haven't gained any of my summer weight-loss back. Let's keep it that way!

We planned a family vacation to St Augustine for December. My sisters, BIL's, parents, E, Baby N, the boys ... all of us, in an ocean-front home, for five days. Let's hope there is no drama.

I am going to hang out with two high school buddies on Friday night. I feel a bit weird going out, sans E, with two guys, but knowing they were like brothers throughout high school takes away most of the weirdness.

I hope I can overcome my loathing of typing on my keyboards and update this more often, so that I don't have to recap my kids' high school graduations!

Do you hear that? I do - it is called SILENCE!

2011-07-21T14:53:00.004-05:00

My family came to visit last Wednesday. I had four extra adults (my parents and my youngest sister and her husband) and one baby (my nephew) added to my already full house.

I was excited to entertain. I had BBQ pork (my root beer and BBQ sauce recipe) in the crock pot for the night they got there and drinks were flowing- as always.

Thursday I took them all on the train to the City. We hung out at Millennium Park, ate lunch, and enjoyed a beautiful Summer day. That night we were all too exhausted to do anything, so I fired up the grill for dinner and we chilled.

Friday was when I could feel the walls starting to close in a little bit. While I love my sister dearly, she has always been a perfectionist, and controlling (if a youngest sibling can possibly be that way). Well, ever since Baby N was born you could multiply all of these by 6 ... or 7 ... shit, try 10! Now, I know all about being a new mom, I know all about hormones; but you have to remember what kind of mom I was/am.

I didn't freak about sterilizing stuff. I didn't panic when we had no schedule. I didn't throw a hissy if someone held him the "wrong way."

My approach was, and has always been, if it worked for my Mom it is fine for me ... and I am going to follow what my "mommy gut" tells me.

J is not this way. And she let everyone know. Thankfully she was visiting old friends that night, and staying in a hotel the rest of the trip anyway!

That night, my middle sister arrived and we were going to go out to a nice dinner. Unfortunately E never got out of work until 10:15, so we ordered pizza and drank and drank and drank. (Its a sure sign of trouble when you know your liquor store man on a first name basis, he hugs and kisses you when you walk in the door, and he hands you a free bottle of wine "just because").

Saturday was our long awaited belated 60th birthday BBQ for my parents ... and a surprise. It went without a hitch, and my Mom and Dad were thrilled. I am pretty proud that I entertained, fed and hosted 35 people in my house. Granted, I had help, but I am still going to give myself a pat on the back :)

Sunday we went to Mass and enjoyed a lazy afternoon. We had reservations that evening at a modern steakhouse that E and I have been dying to share with my parents. After driving 30 minutes to get to said steakhouse, we arrive only to find its doors locked and a makeshift sign on the window - Closed due to Power Outage. WHAT?!?!?!?!??!

Scramble to find a new place. Head to Millrose in Barrington and service was pathetic. The food? Lackluster. For being a place that we have been to more than I can count, I can promise you I will never go back. Also, end the evening with a fight between sister #3 and me (why is it that when I stand up for myself I am being argumentative or controlling, but when she does, she is "hormonal"????)

We smoothed the fight over and on Monday morning, my parents, two sisters, my brother-in-law, nephew AND my two boys hopped into a limo and headed for Florida.

Yep, you heard right, my boys are on vacation. For ten days. I miss them ... but ... YAHOO .... it has been nice to just chill!

I have so much stuff I want to get done with them being gone, but all I have really done is catch up with my DVR, go to dinner with Eric, and sleep past 6:00 AM!

I head to Florida next Wednesday for five days and then we return for the rest of the Summer.

Until then ... I am going to continue to chill and enjoy the silence.

Still breathing

2011-07-12T13:51:00.002-05:00

Not dead ... not gone ... just haven't had the desire to sit down and write. I suck at typing (if you haven't been able to tell before, from all of my tehs .... ) so to get the stream of thought coming from my head onto the computer screen sometimes just takes too much effort.

I want to start back up again - it was always a great way of venting, without getting in trouble). I will soon.

For now, I am fine, still trying to lose my last few pounds (I fit into a skirt I wore right before my wedding - now that is more like it!), and enjoy the last half of Summer!

Lent turns into Easter ... with some bumps along the way.

2011-04-26T10:11:00.007-05:00

If you have gotten anything out of my blog thus far, you should probably note that I am a fairly religious person. While I make mistakes (my potty mouth, my easily triggered anger, my opinions that can be downright rude), I really do try to do the right thing.

I actually am trying to use Lent for what it was really for- a cleansing. And Easter - a renewal. I am trying to curb that potty mouth and that temper.

I was truly tested this past week - actually right at the very start of the Holy Triduum, Holy Thursday.

In March, I asked E if we could have Easter at our house this year and he agreed. Lately we have been going to my Grandma's and I knew he would want to stick around this year. He asked his mom and sister, about a month ago, and they agreed as well. I said that dinner would be around 2:00, since neither one of them attend church and I didn't want to have to rush through our real reason we celebrate on that day.

Earlier last week, both MIL and SIL called to see what they should bring and everything was set. I did my grocery shopping, had my menu set and knew that on Holy Thursday I would begin my Easter prep.

As E and the boys and I were sitting at dinner on Thursday evening, the phone rang with the MIL's number on the caller ID. E answered. FIL proceeded to tell him that he would not be coming on Easter, as he found out that he had a broken rib and the doctor told him not to go anywhere (????????). He also then told E that we probably should just cancel Sunday because SIL and her fiance weren't coming either (once again: ?????????).

E got off the phone and he was puzzled. I was pissed. This was typical of his family ... and cancel Eater Sunday - whatever!!!!!

E calls MIL who appears to be stupefied about SIL and irritated at FIL for saying anything, she had still been planning on coming.

E then called SIL and the family fight began.

SIL said that she and fiance were starting a home improvement project that very evening (floors and walls) and thought that if they had gotten on a roll and Sunday rolled around, they would rather cancel with us so they could finish. She figured she would just call on Saturday eve or Sunday morning and let us know.

E unleashed on her (I was able to hear his end of the conversation). He told her how completely class-less this was. How could she even imagine it was OK to call someone who had been planning a special meal, the night before/morning of, and cancel. He told her that I was already starting to prepare food and that this wasn't just some cookout or casual dinner - this was Easter Sunday and it was important to our family. She started in about how I never truly invited her, which meant that it wasn't that important, blah, blah, blah and he cut her off. He let her know that he was disappointed in the fact that she used to go to church and value things like that until her fiance came into the picture. He told her that he didn't want to explain to his kids, who were basically gong to be spending the next 4 days in church, that their Aunt was cancelling on Easter because she was doing home improvement with her fiance who "doesn't believe in that religious stuff." She said a few more things, he then told her that he didn't care (which upset her even more) and he hung up.
I was fuming. FUMING. She tried to throw me under the bus! She "didn't get an invitation??????" Since when did we do anything formal in this family?!?!
E told me to continue with my plans and we would be better off without them. He called his Mom and told her that we would have our Easter meal as a family and if it worked out, we would bring them some desserts that afternoon. So, I went on with my business.
I took Big J with me to Holy Thursday adoration. It was cathartic. When we got back I finished some more cooking and watched the end of the Blackhawks game.
On Good Friday, I continued my cooking and took both boys to the Passion service at church. It was moving and exactly what I needed to remind me why we were preparing meals and Easter baskets in the first place!
When we returned from church there was a message from SIL asking E to call her because "they both had said things they didn't mean." I thought to myself, yes, you said things you may not have meant, but E meant every word he said.
The boys and I met E for our Good Friday pizza and then went home to color Easter eggs. He tried calling SIL back, but had to leave a message.
Saturday morning, I took the boys to Easter Food Blessing at church, a Polish tradition that I can remember participating in since I could walk. The boys loved it. E was working on painting our garage that day, so I continued my Easter prep, took Big J to baseball practice, watched the Bulls blow Game 4, and started to look at my schedule for Sunday. I realized there was no way possible to make it down to see his parents .... by the time our ham was done in the oven, sliced and on the table, it would be 2:00 at best. We would never make it to their house before 4:00 .... and we had school/work the following day, and, a Blackhawks game that evening at 6:30. He agreed and called MIL. She said they were still going to try to make it. I wasn't going to hold my breath.
That evening, I met my girlfriends for dinner and then I went, all by myself, to the Easter Vigil. I loved every second of it. It was so peaceful, so refreshing. Watching six people choose to become Catholic and seeing the joy on their faces brought me to tears.It was an incredible way for me to start my Easter celebration. Thank God I planned on going .... I could not have asked for anything better.
When I returned home, E told me that SIL finally called back. She said she was sorry and she didn't realize that Easter was so important to us (?????). She said she would try to make it but would call in the morning to let us know. E said that he never apologized. :)
After that, I grabbed a glass of wine, got out the boys Easter baskets and enjoyed knowing Lent was over and Easter season had begun.
Sunday morning was spent watching the boys dive into candy and puzzles, attending church and coming home to get dinner prepared.
MIL called around noon to say that they definitely were not coming. SIL never called.
My girlfriend came and joined E, the boys and I for a wonderful Easter dinner: orange glazed ham, grilled Polish sausage, Polish wedding noodles, lemon green beans, citrus glazed carrots, Spring pea salad, Spring green jello salad, Tri-color pound cake, Lamb cake and Lemonade Fluff (oh yea, and some of our blessed Chardonnay!!!!!). Around 3:00 I was stuffed, exhausted and ready to chill.
My girlfriend left, E and I took the boys out back and played tag. By 6:00, both boys had passed out and E and I sat on the couch and watched the Hawks win their third game in a row to bring on a Game 7.
All in all, it was a very blessed Easter weekend. I still feel like I can continue my mission to become a better person in God's eyes .... I still feel the joy from that Easter Vigil. Which is why, this whole MIL/SIL/E thing really hasn't bothered me. What needs to happen will happen .... I know that our family will do what God wants ... and that is all that matters to me.

Happy Easter!

Stop!!!!!

2011-04-21T10:54:00.002-05:00

Starting to wonder if the world has started spinning faster than usual. I have consistently been feeling like my day has been shortened by an hour, at minimum.
Really .... what is going on? I used to be able to call a friend, respond to email, update a blog ... but lately, I am out of control. I am forgetful. I am forever adding things to my to-do list but never subtracting any!
I will be in the, driving the car, kneeling at church and suddenly remembering something I completely forgot to do.
I feel like I neglect my friends, my family, my job .... me.
Anyone else feel this way????

Peace.

2011-04-05T09:51:00.003-05:00

My parents came to visit this past weekend. I am always so nervous before they visit because I never know how E will behave. Past visits have been ruined with comments made, insults thrown, or just rude behavior on E's part. Many nights have been spent fighting in loud whispers, so my Mom and Dad wouldn't hear, with me usually ending up in tears. My Mom and E are like oil and water (yet, they are so much alike). They just love to pick on each other, but neither one feels like they do anything wrong to the other. E thinks she is opinionated (she is ... but she is my Mother). She thinks E is self-centered and rude (he is ... but his is my Husband). My Mom is a staunch Catholic. E loves to tell people why that is wrong. My Mom loves the Bucs and Rays. E thinks the only team on Earth is the Bears and loves to shove that down people's throats. My Mom likes to be my mom. E thinks they treat me like a child. In the end, as excited as I get to see my parents, I am also anxious as hell. This weekend was such a wonderful blessing, I can hardly explain how I felt. E hung out with us. My Mom never made a comment or remark. We discussed sports, life, politics and I never heard a complaint from E as a laid my head to rest each night. We watched basketball together, went out to dinner together .... we had fun. As I was driving them back to the airport on Monday morning my Mom told me that she really enjoyed the visit and that she and my Dad both noticed that E was more relaxed on this visit and he was a joy (a joy?!?!?!?!?) to be around. E said he felt the same way. Glory glory hallelujah! We are all going down to Florida in May to attend my nephew's Baptism ...and for the first time in years, I am not nervous to have E join us on this trip. Prayers work ... they just take time ... and I will continue to pray that things only get better from here!

Nevermind ....

2011-04-05T09:32:00.002-05:00

So, remember my cryptic post about a week ago? Never mind - false alarm. A little over a week ago I started noticing a lot of cramping - it was still about 10 until my period (I operate like clockwork, I might as well be on the Pill), so I knew it wasn't that. I also noticed that I was extremely exhausted, my boobs ached all the time, I woke up nauseous and I was bloating like never before. What would you think it was?? Yep, I even looked up and saw that my due date would have been December 9. Rather than being a rational (and smart) woman, and going to get an early test, I just kept things to myself and waited for my period to show or not show. So what did I do while I waited? Worried, planned, counted down, practiced how I would tell people, mourned the loss of alcohol for the next 9 months, planned my maternity leave (got excited that I would have all of Christmas at home ... but then got depressed when I thought I would spend the Winter months stuck inside with an infant), and worried about how things would work since I had new Tricare insurance but still wanted to keep my old doctor. Well, sitting in my office last Wednesday (still five days early for my expected period) evening I felt a really large cramp and noticed a bit of blood. Still in my "I am pregnant" mode, I thought, some bleeding is normal. Woke up the next morning and realized, I am not pregnant. I am assuming it was my period since it lasted for about five days. Part of me was relieved - I just got little j into underpants, we changed the baby room into a toy room, I am ten pounds away from my goal weight and I am starting to enjoy the fact that the boys are becoming more and more self-sufficient. The other part of me was sad - no little person to hold and love, little j won't become a big brother, no 12 week maternity leave (hey! no rolling of the eyes ... there should be some benefit to the mommy!) .... I wonder if I am ready for a third or if I am ready to say that I call it quits. E wants two more (he is cracked in the head) and I promise that will not happen. I believe that God has a plan for everyone. I don't believe in birth control, so it is up to me and Him to head down the path chosen for me. We shall see what happens from here ... but for now, it is me and E and the two boys ...

Lions and lambs ... oh my!

2011-03-29T14:01:00.004-05:00

Where to begin??? March came in like a lion ... and has yet to lose its roar! Little j turned the big "3" on the 14th. He was so excited. We took him to Red Robin for a birthday celebration and ice cream sundae. We came home and opened presents. Big J bought him a Dinosaur Train set - he loved it. He gave his big brother a huge hug. We bought him an adjustable basketball hoop - he went nuts. The boys played (in the living room since it was still butt-ass cold, but it was fun none-the-less) for hours that evening. March Madness started and our annual rite of what-seems-like 96 hours of straight basketball began. I love every stinkin second. I even got Big J involved and we made a family bracket. He and I were on opposing sides during the Villanova-George Mason game and watching him get so involved and excited was priceless. (And, for the record, I didn't care about Obama's picks this year either!) Little j's party was a few days later and we had a great time celebrating. The weather actually cooperated with us, so the kids played outside while the grown-ups watched basketball and ate and ate and ate. I made mini-chicken burritos, dinosaur chicken nuggets (it was a Dino themed party), and mini pizza pockets (a total hit, made from Phyllo shells). We also had some Skinnygirl Margaritas (that stuff is AWESOME - I totally recommend it!). The following week was Spring Break for Big J. I took Monday, Tuesday and Friday off .... E's Mom watched them on Wednesday and Thursday so I got to give him a real break from school and day care. Monday we took advantage of the only day that was nice and spent it shopping at the outdoor mall, eating lunch at California Pizza Kitchen and playing some baseball in the front yard. Tuesday it poured all day and we just hung out inside and did absolutely nothing. The boys loved every second of it! Friday I took them out to Noodles and Company for lunch and then we went to see Diary of the Wimpy Kid part 2. They both laughed their asses off. It was so nice to just "be at home" with them without worrying about phone calls, work email, bosses, etc, etc, etc. I love doing that (even though I want to beat their asses at the end of the day!) In between all of that we actually celebrated my birthday. After Little j's big day, I am always an after-thought. E and the boys took me to dinner at Claim Jumper - we sat at the bar and watched more basketball. I got some UCF scrubs from the boys and E is taking me to buy a large clock for our family room wall that I have been wanting for quite some time. E and I went out for a birthday dinner date on Saturday to Pete Millers ... more basketball (NCAA and NBA) and hockey ... with great food and lots of wine!!!!! It was sad to see the great week come to an end but thankfully my Mom and Dad are coming to town on Friday and I have that to look forward to! Really ready for March to leave like a lamb now .... any time. ;)

Really???

2011-03-28T19:48:00.002-05:00

Been M.I.A. lately ... lots going on and will update later. But, for now . . . Ever know about something that you should be happy knowing but are actually scared out of your ever-loving mind about? Yep, welcome to my life.

Number One or Number Two?

2011-03-01T14:50:00.002-06:00

Last week little j decided that he no longer wanted to wear diapers any more, he wanted to "go potty on the potty."

He made this decision at school and they said he just made the decision and started going.

When I potty trained Big J, I was doing it on my own, as E was deployed. We started backwards, going #2, and because of that, I taught him how to pee sitting down and tucking his little thingie down. With the exception of an occasional slip, or the kid really needing to pee, my bathroom stayed clean and dry.

Fast forward a few years. Big J is now a big boy and stands up to pee. Cool. I get that. I am forever cleaning up dribbles here and there, but nothing out of this world. Crap, I still have to clean up after my husband and he is 36 years old!!!!!

little j decided that he will have to pee standing up; just like his brother. The little dude's thingie barely fits over the side of the toilet, and he refuses to hold on, so basically, while he thinks he is peeing in the potty, he is actually peeing on my walls, floors, cabinets, rugs, etc, etc, etc .....

When my little dude decides he has to finally take care of Number 2, his little thingie just "stands" there ready to shoot ... and it does ... well.

So, for the last two weeks, I have been in potty hell ...while I was overjoyed at returning a box of 144 diapers to Costco yesterday, I am overwhelmed at all of my cleanup and constant need for standing in pools of pee.

We moved on to "underwears" (as little j likes to say) this week, using Pull-ups and diapers at night until we run out. He stays dry at school, no accidents ... but then again, they have these tiny little pottys at school - they are just the right height. As soon as he got home last night, he peed and his pants and underwear and socks (and my carpet and floor) were soaked.

I have tried to show him how to sit and tuck. Big J has shown him. Daddy has shown him.

Nope, my little j wants to become Big J, Jr .... there will be no sitting and tucking if he has his way!

Tuesday, Tuesday

2011-03-01T09:10:00.003-06:00

Why I hate Tuesdays:

I am in the office. All.Day.Long.

I take phone call after phone call, and client after client, while the two dingbats that I work with pick their noses and shine their shoes.

Getting ready to get out of the house is a whirlwind. E somehow feels that because he has to drop the boys off at day care, that he must have everything laid out in assembly line fashion for him so that the morning runs smoothly (because he does not want to be late for work).

So, while E sleeps in bed (um, one would think, that if you didn't want to be late, one would get the eff out of bed earlier and help!) I shower, change, grab my work stuff, get the boys up, change the boys, get the boys their breakfast and vitamins, make E's lunch, set out E's breakfast (as I do this, I consistently call up to E to wake up or get out of bed) and try to remember something for my own lunch.

I lay out the boys' shoes, coats, backpacks and then finally head out the door to catch the train.

By the time I am on the train, I am irritated and tired.

By the time I get to the office, I am depressed.

By the time I am done for the day, I need to drink.

I hate Tuesdays.

By the way, who remembers to get me breakfast or lunch some days ... oh yea, that's my job too!

My special day

2011-02-15T09:44:00.005-06:00

So, yesterday was Valentine's Day.

As you may recall ... I said that I really didn't care to "celebrate."

Well, I had other reasons to celebrate ... I became an AUNT!

Little N was born in the early hours of Valentine's Day to my youngest sister. I am so excited I could just burst! Isn't he the cutest??? The boys were pretty psyched to finally see pics of "Baby Cousin" that we had been praying for for 9 months!

I also volunteered to help out on Big J's class for his Valentine's Party. It was so much fun watching all of the Kindergartners pass out their treats and play games ... and I know Big J was happy that I was there for him.

We spent the afternoon working from home ... sorry boss, I was to excited about a new nephew and my kids' Valentine's days that I just couldn't focus ... life happens ya know!

I went to Cold Stone and bought E and the boys their own desserts for the evening (it was rather fitting since the temps have gone up so much that it felt like Spring was just around the corner!). Then, Big J and I went to little j's Valentine's Day party at preschool.

They sang some songs (he was so cute, clapping along) and then ate treats (boy did they eat treats!).

I made a special Valentine's Dinner - heart shaped Monte Cristo paninis, french fries and steamed broccoli ... too bad the boys were pretty stuffed from eating crap all day! They each got a little gift from me: more candy and a Tome and Jerry DVD. E bought them little candy heart boxes full of ... more chocolate!

Oh yea - I also got a beautiful bouquet of flowers from E .... a lovely surprise!

So ... all in all, we didn't spend too much money on the holiday, but I think we all liked it. And in the end, my best Valentine was my new nephew ;)

Where did all my estrogen go?

2011-01-25T16:00:00.005-06:00

Valentine's Day is coming.

I can tell you I am under-whelmed.

Should I be like most women and tell my husband that he better do something for me, or else? Or, should I just tell him what I am really thinking this year .... I don't care.

Or, am I just trying to be all "modern and nonchalant" and once V-Day comes, and I have no flowers, cards or treats to speak of, will I be sad and upset and secretly wish my husband was not who he really is and instead be all romantic and crap and get me something "just because?"

Am I even female any more? Or does this prove that I am truly goofy and a bigger "girl" than most?

Sometimes I drive myself nuts.

Just sayin.

Sickies ....

2011-01-25T15:54:00.003-06:00

On the train an hour earlier than usual.

Day care called, Big J has a fever and we needed to come get him. He had a runny nose yesterday and complained about a headache this AM, so I am sure it is his sinuses.

Praise God E was able to work from home and go get him at noon.

I am headed home early to pick up little j (just in case he is fighting something off - I would rather have him at home).

Of course, we leave for Florida on Friday morning.

Always something. Never sick on a day when I am already headed home, or on a weekend when I can curl up with them. :(

We will put Taco Tuesday on hold for today an I will be warming up leftovers for this evenings supper .... hopefully the kiddos will be healthy tomorrow morning!

Short ... but not so sweet

2011-01-25T11:32:00.003-06:00

My boss has sunk to a new level .... really. He has.

The Blizzard that hit a few weeks ago? The one where the City and State pretty much told anyone who wasn't essential to their work (ie, doctors, police, firmen) that they shouldn't be on the roads. Period. My boss? Made people come in ... and stay until 5:00.

A co-worker had an episode last week at work. 911 was called. He had been working from home (um ... but I cannot????). When he found out, before anything got done and before the stretcher left the office, he was updating HR systems to reflect her docked sick time.

I have been working on a HUGE account for over a year. Trying to get this $ in to no avail. It finally came in on Wednesday, but the client forgot to bring something. In my boss' horribly untactful way of dealing with people, he pissed the client off and let him walk out of the office with a massive check in his pocket. And THEN had the audacity to say to me, "heh heh, oh well."

Heh Heh .... eff you dude. Really. You. are. a. DOUCHEBAG.

Blah, blah, blah ....

2011-01-21T08:00:00.003-06:00

It's been a long week. Even with a day off on Monday, I feel like I have been working non-stop. I went from feeling exceptionally organized to out of control again, and I don't really know why.
I have been following my "do it now so you don't have to do it later" mantra .... but there have been a few nights where all I have felt like doing is sitting on the couch, flipping channels, and eating ...
There is another thing: eating. I cannot stop. I have no willpower what so ever. It would be one thing if I craved healthy shit, but I have been craving carbs like there is no tomorrow. I know a lot has to do with the weather, but I need to snap out of it or I am going to destroy the last year of hard work and weight loss in one big POOF! Chips, cookies, candy ... they literally call my name from the kitchen every afternoon and evening. I start the day off so well and by 3:00 BOOM!!!! I am eating like I starving animal.
It.Must.Stop.
I did start a new workout this week. I had tried this Bootcamp workout on OnDemand a few weeks ago and loved it. I decided to buy it from Amazon. It's Jay Johnson's Boot camp Fitness. It is straight up boot camp. No ifs, ands or butts about it. I missed Spin every day this week, but have been doing this in its place. I can hardly squat down to pee (TMI?). I recommend it BIG time if you need a new kick in the ass. I am actually going to see what other workouts he has on DVD and get a few. Its a nice change of pace from Jackie Warner and Jillian Michael's.
It's Friday, and I am happy. I worked EARLY this morning, so I can end early this afternoon. Big J has swim lessons tonight (in this frigid cold I am wondering how much I really feel like taking the entire family swimming, but the kids love it). Tomorrow is wrap up the laundry and hang out day and on Sunday E is going to the NFC Championship game.
It's really weird, and I really cannot figure out why, but I don't care. I don't care that the Bears could be going to the Superbowl. I don't care that this is like the dream matchup and people are dying to go. I don't care. But, that isn't me. If anyone knows me, I am a sports fanatic. This type of stuff should dominate my thoughts. Maybe it is a tell tale sign that the winter blues have kicked in yet again. Maybe by Sunday I can be excited. Maybe.

And so ... I cried

2011-01-18T10:36:00.002-06:00

We had a day off yesterday. Big J, little j and I.

I rarely get the government holidays off, so it was nice to look forward to that, especially as Sunday night came to a close (Especially a Sunday that was spent in the bathroom, puking my guts out from drinking the previous night ... I shall digress).

We took our time getting dressed in the morning ... wandered around in our PJ's for a bit. I put dinner in the crock pot - pot roast (it turned out fabulously!) so I wouldn't have much more to do throughout the day.

We went to Wildberry for breakfast. I had a Spanish omelette, Big J and S'mores pancakes and little j had Fruity Pebbles pancakes (not the healthiest - but they actually ate!). It was an enjoyable meal and I didn't have to yell at them too much!

After breakfast, we drove over to see Daddy at his office, since, with Big J's school schedule, we really don't get to do that too often. The kids were excited; I think E was too.

We headed to Target and each of the boys carried a $5 bill that my Grandma had sent them for Christmas. We bought the game Operation. They were psyched.

We got home, ate some fruit (who were these kids??) and laughed our asses off while playing the game.

little j took a nap. I shoveled the snow and did my Boot camp DVD.

When little j woke up, the three of us went sledding before the snow turned to sleet/rain.

We, again, laughed our asses off! little j ended up in the weeds a few times and even he, the kid that cries at everything, laughed!

We went home, had some hot chocolate, the boys played Lego's and blocks and I finished off the pot roast.

Before dinner they set the table, picked up some toys and waited for Dad to come home. We ate dinner together. BOTH boys ate everything.

After dinner, Big J requested to wash the dishes, and he actually did a good job. little j wanted to help too, so he wiped the table and floor from dinner.

I think I was walking around in la-la land.

After the boys were tucked in, and I watched my DVR'ed Bachelor and Being Erica, I went to check on them before I called it a day.

I held each of them for a bit, remembering what they were like when they were small .... really small. And, with each boy, I cried.

We had a good day. For the first time, in a very long time, I wasn't frazzled with them, overwhelmed with them, tired of them. I had a good day with them and that made me happy.

And so ....

I cried.

Holiday recap

2011-01-11T09:33:00.003-06:00

Where did my vacation go? Where did Christmas go? Shit, where the hell did November go?

Remember when you were a kid and vacations were endless? Christmas took forever to get here and it never seemed to leave?

Not any more!

We enjoyed our holiday - the quick flash of time that it was. ;)

I worked until the 22nd and then had the rest of the year off (yahoo Mountain Dew!)

I was planning on my aunt bringing my Grandma to our house for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day - so I had a lot to plan for ... but I also wanted to enjoy some time off with the boys.

We baked a lot of cookies ... a LOT ... I made:

1. Chocolate Peanut Butter sandwiches ... YUM!
2. Oreo Cookie Balls .... sinful
3. Cranberry-Pistachio drops
4. Salted Chocolate dipped Shortbread
5. Chocolate-Cherry Biscotti
6. Decorated Sugar cookies
7. Chocolate Chunk cookies
8. Saltine Cracker toffee
9. Caramel wrapped pretzel truffles

I am still surprised I didn't gain ten pounds over the holidays!

E was off the week before Christmas so the four of us grabbed some lunches, enjoyed some time at Caribou Coffee sitting by the fire with hot chocolate (or in my case, the Dark Chocolate Spicy Mocha ... I was addicted and probably spent $50 in a few weeks drinking these in place of breakfasts and lunches!). It was enjoyable to just be a family for a while, rather than employees of other people!

Christmas Eve was a blur. It happened that my aunt screwed me over on my visit with Grandma (another post for another day) and I would have to wait until Christmas night to see her, so, it would just be the four of us. We went to 3:00 Children's Mass .... it was so cute to see the kids in the Christmas play ,.... and watching Santa walk up the aisle with a gift for baby Jesus (yep, I sobbed .... like a baby). It was great to see the boys dressed up so much ... they looked so cute.

We went home and I prepared Christmas Eve Dinner:

Crab and Shrimp Bisque
Holiday Overnight Salad
Apple and Cranberry Stuffed Pork Loin Roast
Baked Corn
Mashed Potatoes and Gravy
Sweet and Sour Green beans
Red Velvet Cake

It was fabulous dinner (even though little j never touched a morsel) and E and I shared a few Champagne cocktails!

After dinner we played some Wii, set out cookies and milk for Santa, read the Polar Express and then the boys got into their PJ's and went to bed ... I wish every night was that easy to get them to go to bed.

E and I had wrapped all of the Santa presents the night before, so we actually sat down on the couch and watched It's a Wonderful Life and enjoyed a relaxing Christmas Eve ... and watched it snow out the window (this is the ONE and ONLY time you will hear me say how beautiful the snow was!). After we were sure the boys were sound asleep, we played Santa .... I wrapped all of the gifts from Santa in red Santa wrapping (the one thing that I remember from Santa as a child was that his wrapping paper was eerily similar to what my Mom's presents were wrapped in!). We moved flowers away from the front of the fireplace and took a few bites of cookies, drank milk and then hit the hay!

Christmas morning was so cool. The boys woke up and we had Big J run to tell us if Santa thought they were good this year. He ran downstairs and came back up yelling, "I thought we were bad this year! I can only imagine what it would look like if we were good!' ;)

We spent the next few hours unwrapping and playing. I got some new pajamas and underwear (Big J thought that was hysterical), an infinity scarf, Glenn Beck's Broke on audio, wind chimes for the back yard, a cute cardigan, a dress from the boys and a few little things. We enjoyed an overnight egg casserole and overnight french toast that I had made (the french toast has become our family tradition).

After presents (and me throwing ham in the oven - see one of my previous posts), we cleaned up and headed down to my sister in laws to celebrate Christmas with E's family.

It was enjoyable, the ham came out very good (thank God - I practically nailed it to two pans and duct taped foil around it so it would survive the car ride down!).

There, I got a Kindle (a surprise!), a Coach shoulder bag (another surprise) and some odds and ends.

We headed back North to pick up my Grandma.

The visit with Grandma was low key and relaxed and I enjoyed every second of it. She napped with the boys on Sunday while I ran to Target to get more Rubbermaids to store the plethora of toys the boys had received from everyone. We enjoyed a repeat of my Christmas Eve meal and I "returned" her to my Aunt that night.

It was so nice to know I still had one more week off from work.

E went back that Monday. So, it was me and the boys.

Monday: we ran a few errands, returned a few unneeded Christmas presents, grocery shopped for the coming week and Mommy let them get McDonald's (I let them only once every few months).

Tuesday: Pajama Day. We stayed in our pj's all day. The boys watched TV, played with toys, built a fort, decorated the Gingerbread train my Grandma gave them for Christmas, and Mommy got to veg a bit too!

Wednesday: Kohl's Children museum (which I will not be renewing a membership for because I would like to strangle all the hoity toity moms and spoiled rotten brats that you have to deal with while you are there), and brunch with the boys while the cleaning lady was at the house.

Thursday: Babysitter for boys while Mommy went to the doctor and lunch out with Daddy near his office.

Friday: UCF game day and New Years Eve!!!
What a day. All three boys fell asleep right before kickoff, so my friends and I (through Facebook and texts and the Internet) all watched the Knights defeat Georgia in the Liberty Bowl "together." So, my game day spread (including homemade cheese balls, shrimp dip, chips and salsa and LIQUOR) was mine all mine!!!! (What did I say about not gaining ten pounds?!)

After game day, we bathed the boys, changed into party clothes and threw some sausage on the grill ()it was 60 degrees outside) for our big New Years Eve party (once again, it was just the four of us).
We grilled out, played Wii, had a dance marathon and watched Dick Clark's NYE so we could celebrate at 11:00 for the boys ... low key, but fun.

New Years Day was spent taking down Christmas decor and enjoying the fact that I still had three more days of vacation.

Going back to work on that Tuesday sucked ... it still sucks. But, looking back on my vacation, I really enjoyed spending so much time with my family and the boys .... it was a blessing.

A clean slate

2010-12-21T10:12:00.003-06:00

I went to Confession on Saturday. I haven't been in about a year.

While some people despise the Sacrament, I actually enjoy it. I feel like it is my cleansing diet. I feel refreshed. My soul feels clear.

My problem though? My anger and stress and overwhelmedness doesn't help me create an atmosphere to keep my soul refreshed.

I feel that if I had more time to myself, more help at home, less work to do, less feeling like I am being pulled by six limbs (when I only have four!) I would actually be able to keep that cleansed feeling.

So ... I continue to work on things.

I continue to try and keep my potty mouth clean (so not easy to do) and I feel like I am losing that battle.

I continue to try and relax and breathe deep when I have to ask the boys to do something for the 915th time.

I continue to try and lay off of the horn when I am driving behind some a-hole who appears to not know the difference between the brake pedal and the gas pedal.

I continue to try and maintain my patience when running errands and dealing with customer service reps who don't know the definition of "customer service."

I continue trying ... and I think that is all I can do ... and all God asks .... I hope.

Get a clue people!

2010-12-14T15:09:00.002-06:00

So, I have another beef with my husband's side of the family (seems like a pattern lately, right?).

Every year his grandmother hosts a Christmas party on the Saturday before Christmas. Most years, with the exceptions of the ones that I am down in Florida, we try and make it.

The past few years his aunt has been hosting them because grandma is no longer able to handle everything on her own.

There is usually a gift exchange among the children (we don't participate in the adult exchange, these people are nuts - another story for another day) and the standard buffet of food.

Well, I have been bugging E for a few weeks to call someone to find out if this party was going on this year (we had heard nothing) and, if so, was there going to be a gift exchange and would I have to bring a dish. My life is too crazy right now to be told 2 days in advance about this sort of stuff.

Anyway ... my husband tells me last night that, yes, the party is being held this coming Saturday.

Here is the kicker: I am to bring a 7 layer salad and home baked cookies.

Why am I irritated?

Well, first, he had to call his mom to find out about the party. I have never been sent an email, invite ... nothing.

Second, who the eff tells people specifically what to bring to a party? ... Um, yes, Sally, please bring the Mustard and Maple Glazed chicken with roasted carrots on the side ... seriously? Tell me you need me to bring a salad and let me choose a recipe that fits into the time I have to prepare it!

Third, home baked cookies? Up yours. I am struggling to find time in my schedule to make cookies for my family, let alone, other peoples'. With only four days notice, you aren't getting any cookies. I am going to be a scrooge.

Fourth, if you wanted all of this shit, call people ahead of time! If E had never called his mom I can guarantee, just like last year, I would have received an email two days before the party telling me what to bring.

Seriously folks, can we please gain some etiquette and class ... soon ... please?

Am I the crazy one???

2010-12-07T12:53:00.003-06:00

My SIL said that she really wanted to host Christmas this year. OK. I hosted Thanksgiving. Pulled out the china, prepared two, yes two, turkeys, because I thought people would eat. I only asked my SIL to bring sweet potatoes ... that's it.
Forward to this morning. I got an email from SIL. It read:

"I am making meatballs for an appetizer. Can you bring the ham. We will keep it simple."

W.T.F. ???????
Really?
I am driving 45 minutes, with my two boys, to your house because you wanted to host Christmas dinner and I am bringing the effing main dish?!?!?!
Holy hell.
Next year I am flying to Florida .... I do not care how much it costs!!!!!!

Like I lost a family member

2010-12-03T10:50:00.002-06:00

Rest in peace Ronnie.

Thanksgiving has left the building

2010-11-30T14:57:00.002-06:00

Back at work already after a week off for Thanksgiving.

When did kids start getting the entire week off? I remember being at school until Wednesday ... I am telling you they get more days off than one could hope for!

We spent most of the week dealing with the norovirus ... or a more common term, the stomach flu. I had it at the beginning of the week, Big J had it for Thanksgiving, and E got it this past weekend.

So, most of my vacation was spent doing laundry along with cooking.

But, all in all, it was a nice holiday. Good food at least! ;)

Now ... onto preparing for Christmas!!!!

Our trip around the world

2010-11-15T11:24:00.004-06:00

I used to belong to a Supper Club. I loved this activity. Every six weeks some girlfriends and I would rotate houses and host a dinner, cooked by us, from various regions or cuisines. It was always great company, and it got my cooking "bug" out of my system. (Cooking for 3 boys, each of whom, including the big one, can have various degrees of pickiness every night at dinner). About a year ago, due to many reasons, our Supper Club ended.
After a while I started to miss being adventurous in the kitchen. When I tried, I always had looks at the table as if to say, "really Mom, you want us to eat this?"
We also deal with dine a ditch syndrome at our house. I spend one hour cooking and preparing, the boys spend 10 minutes picking at food, shoving the forced stuff in their faces and then quickly leaving the table. It was really getting annoying.
So, I came up with a plan.
I made a bunch of slips of paper with names of countries, states, regions, etc on them. I placed these all in a pretty vase and every Sunday I have the two boys select a card each.
That week we cook from the cards, and Big J has to learn three things about the place, which we discuss at that dinner.
This has been a blast so far. We have all loved certain things ... and hated certain things. But, we have been learning and trying ... and I have been cooking!!!!
Give it a try in your home ... it is bound to start some conversations and challenge everyone to expand their culinary horizons!!!

Here are some of the evenings and menus we have had thus far:

New York: Turkey pastrami sandwiches and Manhattan Clam Chowder
New England: Corn Chowder and crab cakes and Fluffernutters for dessert
California: California Chicken burgers with guacamole and chips
Texas: Brisket, Texas Roadhouse green beans and french fries
Hawaii: Kalua Pulled Pork, Hawaiian coleslaw and pineapple pie
Soul Food: Baked "fried" chicken, greens, sweet potato fries
Thailand: Shrimp Curry, lemongrass soup
Japan: Chicken Stir Fry, California sushi rolls
Poland: European Chicken Noodle Soup, Cheese pierogis
American Indian: Cherokee Pepper Pot; Navajo Bread
Brazil: Fejoda
Chile: Picadillo and beef empandadas
Mexico: Chicken enchiladas
Jamaica: Jerk Chicken sandwiches with black beans

Checking in

2010-11-12T15:11:00.000-06:00

I am not dead ... just busy.

Very. Very. Busy.

Cross that off

2010-10-08T07:32:00.003-05:00

When do you actually finish a to-do list?

I mean, are we ever actually done? Is it sad that I actually put things like "sleep-in" or "paint nails" as tasks that I have to accomplish?

Is it even more sad that I have had "complete photo album" on my rotating list since 2003????

Am I a really bad mom since, also on the rotating list, is "finish baby books"? And when I mean finish, I mean, actually enter in when Big J started walking and little j was born???

Will I ever become a person who can sit down at the end of a long day and watch TV with the knowledge that the only stuff left on my to-do list is frivolous stuff?

Is it weird that I actually enjoy putting items on my list just so I can cross them off and feel like I did something that day?!??!?!

I think I will add "drink" on my list today .... I know that since it is the weekend, I will accomplish at least one task. And that is sssoooo much more fun than "clean the grout." Isn't it????

National Walk to School Day

2010-10-06T09:04:00.003-05:00

Big J walked the entire mile and a half to school .. and was so excited when his principal and teachers met him on the way!!

I think it's a pretty cool day to "celebrate" ... beats National Doughnut Day!!!!

This isn't life?

2010-10-05T15:13:00.004-05:00

During my junior year of high school the subject focused around social justice issues; death penalty, abortion, etc.

We were all required to watch the movie "The Silent Scream."

This movie changed my life and is the reason why I am pro-life.

You be the judge:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkD0PcIsM3U

The things they say ...

2010-10-05T14:48:00.003-05:00

So, I took Big J to 5:00 Mass this week. It was the start of Respect Life month.

During the homily they had a speaker from the Respect Life office and she was talking about examples of pro-choice decisions society makes on a daily basis.

Big J asked what she was talking about and the conversation went something like this:

J: Why do you look like you are going to cry Mommy?"

Me: "Because people make dumb decisions and hurt poor babies and sick people."

J: "Isn't that why you don't like Obama ... cuz he hurts babies."

Me: "Yep."

J: "What is that called again?"

Me: "Abortion."

J: "What's an abortion?'

Oh dear ......

Me: "Well, it is when a lady decides she doesn't want to be pregnant any more, so she decides to kill the baby."

J: "How do they do that?"

Oh God ...

Me: "They stick something inside the Mommy to kill the baby."

J: "Does it hurt the Mom?"

Me: "Yes, it does."

J: "Does it hurt the baby?"

Me: "Yes, very much."

... seconds go by ...

Big J looks at me, puts his head on my arm and says: "I am sure glad you were happy to be pregnant."

Me: "Me too bud."

Of course I won't cheat!

2010-10-05T13:17:00.006-05:00

I am getting excited ... Sunday is Halloween. I am not that into Halloween - we don't decorate our house like Christmas, I don't wear orange and black all month long, and I certainly don't go broke buying costumes and stuff for the boys.

So, what am I so giddy about? I get to go pillaging through the boys trick or treat bags for

C-A-N-D-Y

Of course, it won't be for a lot ... I will only waste my calories on stuff that I truly enjoy. So, for your reading pleasure, my favorites are as follows:

1. Butterfinger
2. Baby Ruth
3. Mounds (no one ever gives these out!)
4. Milk Duds
5. Snickers
6. Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
7. Twizzlers

And the stuff I won't waste one calorie on? The ones that should have never been made are:
1. Peanut Butter Kisses (gag)
2. Mary Janes
3. Raisins (why? really ... why?)

4. Bit-O-Honey

5. Circus peanuts

6. single wrapped peppermints (do people just take handfuls from their neighborhood Italian place?)

7. Three Musketeers ... I just never liked them!

So ... what do you want to find in your kiddos' bags this year?!

Amen sister!

2010-09-28T12:33:00.003-05:00

OK, this is exactly how I feel.

http://consumerist.com/2010/09/why-i-cant-make-mom-friends.html

I detest those Moms who think that everything they do or say to/with/for their children is the absolute. I have been around some of them ad it is excruciating.

You know the ones:
"Wow, I never give my children pop." (Never say never missy .... one day your child will be at a party and BAM! he is addicted to the shit).

"My children never watch TV, excerpt educational shows." (Well la-ti-freakin-da ... TV let me take showers, listen to conference calls, make dinner. I love TV. God bless the inventor. May your child never know the joy of laughing their ass off while watching You Gabba Gabba or The Backyardigans... mine do!)

"We teach our son how to speak Chinese." (That is great for you, you stinkin Commie ... GOD BLESS AMERICA! My kids learn the English language first and foremost!)

Seriously ladies ... get your heads out of your asses and realize that there is more than one way of being a good mom.

Have you ever ...

2010-09-07T20:48:00.001-05:00

wanted to wring your husband's neck ???

Yeah ... thought so.

26 hours squeezed into 24 hour days

2010-08-31T10:14:00.005-05:00

The whirlwind tour of school started last week

Wednesday was Big J's walk-through. We met his teacher, saw where he would put his backpack, looked around his room.

He enjoyed being there, he even asked if we could stay for a bit so he could play with some toys. We had paperwork to fill out anyway ... so we stayed. It was kind of cool when I overheard him saying to another little boy, "Hi, my name is "Big J', what's your name?" I was pleased that some of our teachings about manners and etiquette had paid off!

That evening we made Big J's favorite dinner: shrimp, and enjoyed some family time. We prepared his backpack, got his clothes laid out and by 8:00 he was in bed and snoring! ;)

I set my alarm on Thursday morning, even though I had taken the day off of work, to make sure I was up and ready to go for Big J. He beat me to the punch. Right after my alarm had gone off, there he was, dressed, teeth brushed and ready to go! I wondered if this would continue after the first day?!

I made him some pancakes, let him watch a Scooby-Doo and then little j, E, Big J and I all headed across the street to wait for the bus. Big J did great. little j, not so much.... he so badly wanted to go with his brother on the bus. I had to walk away and sit on the front step and watch Big J leave from afar since his brother was acting so badly. Once he stepped on to the bus ... that is when my tears started. I really didn't think I would cry ... I didn't feel it ... but, apparently, I needed to!

I spent the next few hours getting laundry done, getting the oil on my car changed (way, way, way overdue) and working out with little j counting everything down for me. Around 11:00 I started to clean up and prepare for the bus to drop Big J off at 11:51.

As we were walking out to wait for the bus, we noticed that there was a message on the machine. Apparently the note I wrote was misplaced and the school decided to send him to day care rather than home. Crap!!!!! Just what I needed on the very first day. So I left E at home, just in case they sent him home, and I high-tailed my ass over to day care, where a blotchy faced kid just got dropped off :( He was so excited to see me!!!!

The four of us went to Rainforest Cafe to celebrate the first day. He told us about recess and his school day and then we just had fun. We came home and he and I spent time painting a bird feeder he had gotten for his birthday and then we worked on Lego's .... I actually loved being a stay-at-home mommy; it felt incredible.

Friday was a different story altogether. I had to get to work early (so I could be back for the bus to drop off), so E took Big J to the bus. Big J cried hysterically, the same way he has been at day care for the last month or so. Great. Just what we need. E said he just kind of placed him on the bus and left ... what else could he do?

So, I waited for Big J after school and when the bus dropped him off ... little j did his happy dance and we all went inside to eat lunch. While we were waiting for the bus, day care called and wanted to make sure Big J was in the right place.

I called back. I got more info than I needed or wanted.

Apparently Big J and his friend, Alex (one of the boys that came to his birthday party that I could have done without) were arguing/playing/fighting on the bus and Big J somehow managed to give Alex a bloody nose. Great ... just what I need now! The last thing we need to deal with is getting our bus rights revoked; then I am in a real world of crap trying to figure out the logistics of that mess!!!!

I gave Big J an ear full. It turns out, they were playing, and nothing was meant badly. But my issue is the fact that for over a year now, I have been trying to tell Big J that we do not put our hands on our friends while we are playing. His buddy AJ is big into the wrestling thing and we have gone through hundreds of requests from day care to separate the two of them because they cannot tone it down. (Another side note - AJ's mom? Worthless. Could care less. Thanks for the help lady.) Here we go again.

So ... all weekend we talked about how to play, how not to play. We hoped and prayed Monday would go better.

Waiting for the bus? Another tearful and hysteria filled wait. It really gets my day started on a great foot, let me tell you!!!!! Once again, I helped Big J on the bus, dropped little j off at day care and then headed off to work. I promised the boys that if I got done in time, I would pick them up early and we could head to the pool (its the last week it is open).

Well, I got there on time, but Big J told me to come back and pick him up later since he was headed outside to play with his friends?!?!?!? On that note, when we got home, I told him that I wouldn't listen to the tears before school anymore... since he is obviously fine and hanging out with his mom isn't really that big of a deal.

Turns out, he didn't cry this morning.

Go figure. Let's see what happens tomorrow when I drop him off!!!!

Oh yea, remember how he got himself dressed on his own that first day? Hasn't happened since! And the bus ride after school on Monday? Joshua told Alex he had to sit next to someone else for a few days. :) At least we are 1 for 2!!!!

So ... we made it through the first week of school. It was crazy and hectic ... and I want my old routine back. I am not one of those moms who sings the praises of the start of the school year since, quite frankly, this has added a whole new can of crap to my day. To my stay at home moms, kids going to school means more time for them. For me, it just means more chaos.

You know my plate? The one that has been full for a while now? Well, that plate is starting to spill onto the carpet.

But, just like everything else, I will survive somehow!!!!

Restart?

2010-08-24T12:30:00.002-05:00

There is a shift happening; some sort of cosmic alignment of the stars. There has to be. My world feels like the Earth tilted a little bit extra on its axis. I am out of sorts ... completely.

Big J turned 5 on Sunday. He starts Kindergarten on Thursday. My baby is a boy. When the hell did that happen?

We went to get his pictures taken last Friday afternoon. When I was sitting in front of the computer screen looking at the proofs, I kept thinking to myself, "Something is wrong. What looks so wrong with him?" I even wondered if he was "cute" anymore (and immediately felt like a bad Mom) ... and that is when it hit me. He isn't cute anymore. He lost all hints of being a baby. There are no more wrinkles of skin on his hands. There is no more chubbiness in his cheeks. His face has narrowed. He is a young man. He looks handsome.

He has also become a little punk too! He has this attitude about him. He is King of the pout. King of the Last Word. King of the "HMPFs!" He loves to talk back, loves to shake his head like a diva (are boys supposed to do that?????). It is so stinking annoying. I miss my sweet boy. Every conversation with him involves me saying, "J that isn't funny, knock it off." I miss my sweet innocent boy ... where did he go???

His big boy 5th birthday party was on Saturday. He invited two of his friends from day care ... want to talk about wimpy? The two boys, one was actually a first grader, just stood on the patio while Big J, little j and a few friends of the family played games. They kept saying that they were hot and wanted to sit inside with the air conditioning. I finally relented after about 30 minutes because I just couldn't take the whining any more! My house was destroyed and they were only there for two hours! I guess we have hit the time in life where parties are separated, one for family, and one for friends (and from now on, that one from friends is OUTSIDE of my home).

Big J got Lego set after Lego set for presents ... no more cars, trucks, trains or dinosaurs. Now it is Lego Pirate forts or rescue ships. The kid can actually sit for hours trying to piece these puzzles (meant for children ages 7-10) together.

Where oh where has my baby gone?????

And now, tomorrow, I am going to "Meet the Teacher" at school. Meet the Teacher?????? Holy Crap .... KINDERGARTEN! KINDERGARTEN! KINDERGARTEN!!!!!!

I am just a bit freaked out .... I feel like everything is changing all at once and I am trying to figure out just how to handle it all. I have spent five years getting to know my son. Five years learning how to handle work and day care, trying to always show him that he is my priority, not work. And now, suddenly, in the blink of an eye, my son has changed. My life has changed. My world ... it's changed.

I feel like its back to square one .... no one told me this. No one prepared me for this in any book or child birth class. No one told me that you would mourn the little dude that once toddled down the hall yelling for you. No one told me that you would want to smack your lovely 5 year old upside the head and then cradle him in your arms all at the same time. No one told me that I would cry my eyes out, not because he is going into Kindergarten, but because he is different and I have to learn who he is all over again.

Big J is all gown up ... and I have NO clue how to be a Mom to him .... Guess I better start learning!

Keep talking Mr President

2010-08-17T12:39:00.001-05:00

It fits! .... almost

2010-08-03T10:36:00.002-05:00

There are certain clothes I have kept over the years on my roller coaster ride of weight gain and weight loss. I kept cute little t's, skirts and pants. I donated jeans and trendy stuff (while a pair of jeans may slide on, the wash and cut, more than likely, will have long disappeared into our memory banks!). Although, I did keep my favorite jeans, just as a guide to see "where I am at."
So, throughout this surge to finish my weight loss goal, I have been trying my clothes on periodically. At first, these skirts wouldn't go on over my hips. Then, I got them over the hips. Then, I was able to s-q-u-e-e-z-e the zippers shut.
Well, yesterday I threw on one of my favorite skirts; the white linen skirt I wore to my wedding shower. It zipped ... and I wasn't afraid that it would pop open!
So... a few more pounds and this sucker is like a brand new purchase! :)
Finally, some success!

The things people wear

2010-08-02T09:15:00.003-05:00

I have come home a few times in my life, looked in the mirror and thought, "What the hell was I thinking?" But, mostly, I try and look in the mirror before I leave the house, so those moments don't have to happen.

Why don't other people look in mirrors?

Shirts 2 times to small, pants that show every bump and bulge, skirts so short they would make a hooker cringe.

But the things I really don't understand are the ones that do permanent stuff to look cool, but then dress like total dorks.

Um, so, those tattoos you have on your ankle and arm of symbols look rad .... but the pantyhose with granny sandals on your feet????? Lady ..... you look like a royal dork!!!!!

I wonder about people sometimes .....

I was "this" close ....

2010-07-27T08:45:00.001-05:00

So ... I got my second quarter results at work last night. We have 3 goals. One of these goals is completely unattainable for anyone in my office, so I am not banking on it (no one else is either).

Last quarter I was 2 of 3.

This quarter, 1 of 3.

WHAT?!?!?!?!

I blew one goal out of the water at 164%.

The other goal I missed by .8%. Seriously?!?!?!That sucks.

Ugh.

Just in case you care ....

2010-07-20T10:58:00.004-05:00

My favorite breakfast lately has been: Yoplait Vanilla yogurt with Grape Nuts Trail Mix, blueberries and raspberries.

I actually wake up thinking about this.

I feel bad when I am out and I cannot eat this.

It isn't easy to have this all the time ... one of my top 3 cereals is this Trail Mix, yet, I cannot find it anywhere but CVS pharmacy. It runs about $5 a box. So when it is on sale, I buy like 5 at a time (And guess what? They are on sale this week - two for $5! Woo Hoo)!

I wonder how long this obsession will last ... probably until blueberry prices skyrocket again, or until CVS stops carrying Grape Nuts!

Oh, sometimes it is just the little things ...

It is all freaking me out

2010-07-16T07:30:00.003-05:00

Little j woke up last night at 1:00. I sat with him for about a half hour until I thought he was asleep. I quietly tiptoed out the door, not shutting it for fear I would wake him up. That bit me in the ass.
About an hour later he was in our bed, stretching and kicking all the while. I just laid there and watched the clock. As I watched the clock, thoughts raced through my brain. My anxiety started to kick in. I began to focus on my Mommy job .... on Big J starting kindergarten in two weeks.

Two weeks?!?!?!

I have a child old enough to go to school?!?!?!

Holy crap!

Then I began to think of all the things I didn't know about the first day.

What do I do?
Where do I go?
DO I drop him off?
Do I walk him in?
DO I have him bring all of his supplies on that first day or should I wait until the second day?
What do I do if he cries?
What do I do if I cry?
DO I go back in to pick him up?
Should I let the bus take him home?
Where the hell does the bus pick him up or drop him off?

These thoughts kept randomly popping through my head making my heart pound louder each time. I am repeating my first day anxiety all over again ... and I am not going to school.

Needless to say, I never fell back to sleep ... I hit the gym at 5:40 and I vow to myself to get some of my questions answered this week, hoping that will help my insomnia.
Here's to being scared of the first day of kindergarten! Jeesh ....

Physical Therapy Update

2010-07-16T07:27:00.004-05:00

If any of you remember my blog post a few months back (http://isithappyhouryet.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-therapy.html )about my issues "down there." I am happy to say, that I am done with my therapy.

I was in physical therapy for nearly 6 months. I did my "homework" nearly every night, which helped speed up the process. This homework included using various shaped dilators to stretch the muscles and help condition your brain and your muscles to work together again.

I often was asked, "ooh, did you get excited?" Nope. This was medical therapy .... there was no "excitement" to be had. In fact, there were many nights I just wanted to go to sleep .... but I did what I was told.

My therapist said that she was really happy with the way I was progressing - I guess not many people heed her advice about homework and just cannot seem to wonder why they aren't getting better.

Many visits included her massaging scar tissue, not just my apparent C-section scar, but scar tissue that I didn't know I had - in my pelvis, abs and thighs. Let me tell you, this shit hurt. Like hell. But, like any other massage, once it was over ..... it was amazing how good I felt!

Another part of therapy was contracting and relaxing my vaginal muscles. Now, I had no problem with the contracting part, it was the relaxing that gave me trouble; most people are just the opposite. At times, my therapist would connect me to a machine that would show me graphically (think about the machine you are connected to when you are in labor that showed you each contraction and how powerful they were). She would give me a number to strive for and every week; I got better each time.

I also underwent some electrical therapy. Nope, not comfortable in the least bit, but it stimulated my muscles to help them operate properly. It was incredible the things she was able to do as therapy.

Around April, we went from weekly therapy to every other week. I was to continue doing my homework, but still abstain from sex for the time being. We were progressing at a great pace.

Then, in May I was given the green light to have sex. I was hesitant and a bit nervous. But, I knew that I had the tools necessary to enjoy this. I also knew that half of my battle was mental; I would remember the pain from a previous experience, tense up and then try and have sex, only to have pain again.

So, I did my relaxation techniques before intercourse, and sex was not so painful any more. Obviously, it was a bit clinical at this point, but, hey, you have to start some where! We kept trying, some times were better than others.

By June, I was released from therapy. She was amazed at how I had healed. I was amazed at how I healed.

I continue my therapy at home. I haven't used the manual stimulation since May, but I have often used my relaxation techniques. These help on my stressful days, days that I just cannot seem to get comfortable.

It is amazing to look back and see how far I came .... and how weirded out by all of this I was. Now, I cannot imagine not getting help. And my therapist said that after I started she noticed that more doctors were starting to send her patients. It was as if doctors were finally paying attention to their patients. Not just brushing off their complaints, but really digging in and getting to a root cause. Hopefully this can continue, I can only imagine how many women suffered or are still suffering.

As I said before ladies, don't ignore your body. If one doctor cannot help you, find another and another, until you get an answer. Life is too short to live in pain!

As American as Apple Pie, Baseball and ... Kleenex?

2010-07-15T09:20:00.006-05:00

I couldn't sleepa few nights ago. I fell asleep well, but around 1:00 I was up and that was the beginning of my tossing and turning.

So, instead of getting more and more frustrated, I went and watched my DVR. I had recorded a WGN Cubs special ... 60 years of Cubs moments. When it was done I was wiping my tears away.

Yes, I cried. I cried when I saw them replay of the clinching game in 1984. I cried when they showed Mark Grace grabbing the 3rd out at first for another clinching game. I cried when they showed Kerry Wood getting his 20th strike out. I remember all those moments like they happened yesterday.

Some moments were shared with my Dad. Other moments, with my Grandpa. But, each and every moment was special to me.

I cry at thing like that. I find myself tearing up when they show a video montage of highlights from a sports season ... like when the Blackhawks won the Cup. As they put on this awesome music, to a collage of videos from the past season, I found myself wiping the tears away.

I cry when the first few notes of the Star Spangled Banner start at every, and I mean, every, sporting event I attend and view. There is just something about watching your flag being honored by people, who are free enough to spend their Sunday watching a favorite football team, or a July afternoon watching their favorite baseball team. And fly-overs. Ugh ... don't even get me started on what happens when there is a flyover.

My family has always been a passionate family when it comes to our sports. There have been family feuds because of sports. My husband and my parents are still on rocky ground because he cannot fathom liking the Bucs instead of the Bears (shhhhhh ... I like the Bucs more still, but cannot say a word!!!!!).

We left my sister's 8th grade graduation early because the Bulls were playing the Lakers in the Finals. When we moved to Florida, before we opened any boxes or moved any furniture around, we had the couch set up, the TV plugged in, and the cable guy out because the final game of the Bulls/Suns series was on the night we moved in.

When the Bulls won all their Championships, I cried. I was so happy, so excited; it was awesome. I always think of those lonely people sitting in their homes, the ones who do nothing but watch "their" team, season after season, finally being able to celebrate something (yes, those are the kinds of things I think about).

Can you imagine how I will be when the Cubs finally win the whole thing (and they will, curses be damned!)? I will cry for a week! I will cry for my Grandpa watching down from Heaven, who will probably be drinking a Heavenly beer with me. I will cry for my Grandma, who hopefully will still be around, who knows the stats of every player on their roster, including their shoe sizes and waistlines. I will cry for those little old guys who used to sit at the Cubs games before they became "hip" and are now watching from wheelchairs.

God bless America for giving us a Country where our pastimes can give us respite from our day to day lives!

What my family has also been passionate about is this Country. It has been instilled in us since day one that we can love all of these things because we live in the United States. To this day, the 4th of July is my favorite holiday; not Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Years. I love the fact that we can fly our flags, decorate the house in red, white and blue ... and no one says a thing about even being too tacky.

I am a sucker for fireworks. I will sit out in the hot sun all day to hold the perfect spot for the viewing. I will go to as many firework shows as I possibly can ... it never gets old for me. Let's celebrate what this great Country was founded on. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. So, yes, I cry during these displays ... especially the ones that are synchronized with patriotic music ... I am mush.

I cry at parades. I cry when the Vets walk by and my children stand and salute the flag ... what a proud moment for any Mom and any American! I cry when the Little League teams are walking by and throwing candy out into the crowd. They live for this ... and I think it is awesome. I cry when I see the crowd, wearing their versions of red, white and blue, waving tiny flags and doing what we should be doing every day of our life - loving this great Country.

So ... I will let it out America. I will let those tears flow. I will enjoy those little (and big) moments in my life. I will relish those victories. I will look back at the baseball games I've attended and remember that they are the American way. I will enjoy seeing my kids learn that the hot dog and cotton candy at the ballpark is something we are supposed to do! And, yes, I will enjoy wiping my tears away with a tissue at those moments; knowing I am doing what I am free to do.

Safety First?

2010-07-14T15:34:00.004-05:00

OK, I admit it ... I am a bad mom. Why am I a bad mom? Well, for starters I do not believe in helmets. You know, helmets? Those things that you see toddlers wearing that look straight out of a Roswell museum while they are riding in circles on their Big Wheels in their driveways?
I rode my bike everywhere as a kid. Every day. When I was small we rode up and down our driveway and around the block. To the neighbors house. Anywhere that Mom said, "yes."
As a teen I rode to friends' houses, babysitting jobs, to town with friends, and probably some places that I should not have ridden, as well.
We raced our bikes. We crashed our bikes. With every crash, yes, there was an injury of some sort. Some injuries were worse than others, I admit. But 100% of my injuries occurred below my chin. I have scars on my shoulders, elbows, hands and legs to prove my bike-riding experiences. Never once did I don a helmet, or knee pad or elbow pad. Never once did my Mom say, "You want to ride on the driveway? Better put your safety gear on!" What she did say was, "Please get out of my hair and go ride your bike with your friends."
We learned lessons about bike safety from the mistakes that we made. For instance, when my sister had her jacket wrapped around her waist and then went on a bike ride, we learned that the arms can get wrapped around a tire and cause you to fall (and ruin your jacket). Hence, he didn't ride with jackets tied around our waists.
We also saw a friend wear her sandals on her bike and slip off, causing the skin on her toes to virtually disappear (just writing this makes my skin crawl). So, we learned to always wear closed toe shoes when we rode.
I look back on my wipe-outs (yes, there were many memorable ones) and all of them destroyed my hands. I always fell on my hands .... only a fool would let their head hit the ground. Instead, they instinctively threw their hands out to stop their fall. I always remember a line from the movie, Karate Kid. Mr Miyagi is coming to fix the sink in Daniel's apartment and Daniel is practicing his karate with the shiner he received the night before from Johnny. Mr Miyagi comments on the eye and Daniel responds, "Oh yea, I fell off my bike." Mr Miyagi shrugs and says, "Ha. Lucky no hurt hand."
Wow ... dead on Mr Miyagi!!!!
I totally get the people who wear helmets when they are riding in the street, or mountain biking. I totally get having kids wear helmets when they are doing so as well. But, what I do not get are the people that put these things on for their children to ride at a snails pace, in circles, in their flippin driveways! Really????? I wonder what they will do when their kids go out for football? Wrap them in foam? Or wait, if their child takes up running, will they have to wear knee pads, elbow pads, hand guards and a mouth guard? How about when they start kissing girls? Will they have to wear a condom when they leave the house in case they get premature hard-ons????
Seriously? Could we please let our children be children?? Kids have to hurt themselves to learn how to not hurt themselves. If you pad the corners of your coffee table, do you really think that once they are 3 and they run into the un-padded coffee table, they should know better? Nope, they will think all coffee table corners are soft. And all outlets have covers, toilets have locks, no doorknobs turn, falling off of a bike doesn't hurt, etc, etc, etc.
Kids need scars. Kids need to know how to fall so as to not hurt themselves!
Teach your children why they shouldn't run near a coffee table, or stick a key into the outlet, or how to put their hands out in front of them when they are riding in the driveway and their bike falls over.
I just don't get it. Really, I don't. And, I am sure some people think I am a bad mom. OK. Fine. Think I am a bad Mom. But, I think you worry about your kids a bit too much sometimes; to the point of making them all weak and inept. So there.
I will continue to be a bad Mom ..... I will get my son a helmet when he truly needs one ... when the training wheels are gone and his paths are bumpy and far. But for now, you will know my house. It is the one where the kids are in the driveway with jackets on, tennis shoes tied and their hair blowing in the wind while they are riding around on their Big Wheels!

The music of life

2010-07-14T09:36:00.003-05:00

Listening to Bret Michaels sing with Jimmy Buffet on I-Tunes .... Funny, before this Bret Michaels phenomena, I was buying his solo albums (do they still call them albums?) all along.
I watched him on Celebrity Apprentice and gained a whole new respect for him. After watching him with the hookers on the Rock of Love shows, he needed to!
It was weird when he had his brain hemorrhage. My sister called to tell me and I felt sad. I guess when you are passionate about music, like I am, it stays with you. Music is a part of you. And growing up with Bret Michaels, his posters on my wall, tapes and CD's constantly on my radio, I feel like he was part of that. Not like I am a weird fan, stalker type ... but, you have a connection to people like that.
He was a part of of my childhood, my dating life (how many times did I make out to Every Rose has Its Thorn????), and even my wedding and my sisters' weddings (at least one Poison song had to be played at them!).
Funny how certain songs, artists, albums, etc can instantly put you in a good mood, no matter what. And, as I have said before, can take you back to times that you will never forget.

Remember the nights we sat

and talked about all our dreams

Well little did we know then

They were more distant than they seemed

Well I knew it

You knew it too

the things we'd go through

We knew the things we had to do

To make it baby

What I am

2010-07-13T08:35:00.008-05:00

"I'm not aware of too many things

I know what I know if you know what I mean

What I am is what I am

Are you are is what you are or what?

What I am is what I am"

Wow ... its been a while ... and here we are, mid-July, and life continues to drive forward at the speed of light.

I have been many things in the past few weeks ... and here is my recap:

I am happy:

Happy that I have two healthy children who, despite making me want to pull my hair out one strand by one strand, give me joy from the inside out.
Happy that I am still employed.
Happy that the Hawks won the Stanley Cup! It was so cool to experience the hype and fun! And fun to watch Big J and little j enjoy it with me!
Happy that my baby sister is pregnant (no one knows yet .... so SSSSHHHHH!!!!!)!
Happy that my relationship with E is better than it has been in a while (while his hunger for sex ... sorry ... this is my blog .... drives me nuts!). Who would have thunk?

I am anxious:
Anxious about Big J starting kindergarten next month. Our whole world changes. You wouldn't think it does, but .... No more vacation whenever it works for me .... we are now on "school time." No more keeping the boys home when I have a short day, no more long weekends at Grandma's ...... Vacations, visits, trips will now be with the rest of the world: Spring Break, Summer, and Christmas! And ... my little dude ... he is going to school! My little buddy who was my partner in crime while E was away will be gone at school! My baby is all grown up ... and I totally don't feel old enough to have a kid in school.
Anxious that my results at work could stop any time due to this boob in Office that ruins the economy every day that he wakes up. I cannot go back to that again ... really, I cannot.
Anxious about E's Army fate. We are waiting on a medical board to determine how he will be retired. My "stay at home mom" future all rides on what this Board decides.

I am sad:
Sad because a man, who was like an Uncle to my sisters and I, died this past Saturday. He was a funny man, who was a great friend to my family and will be missed terribly.

I am excited:
Excited that I have lost about 25 pounds and I am nearing my goal. I want to lose about 1o more!
Excited that my middle sister is coming to visit in one month!
Excited that I get to go to Tampa in a few weeks for a quick visit and to drop Big J off for his vacation with Grandma and Grandpa.

I am disappointed:
Disappointed that I have yet to get my personal business any where near getting off the ground. My own fault, completely.
Dispappointed that the Cubs suck this year.
Disappointed that we still cannot seem to get our financial situation where we want/need it.

I am determined:
Determined to start writing in this blog again. Really.
Determined to get a bit more involved for myself ... find a team, group ... something.
Determined to let my family know how much they mean to me every day.

"I yam what I yam

And that's all what I yam.

I'm Popeye the sailor man"

Woo Hoo!!!

2010-06-10T08:14:00.003-05:00

Blacks win the Stanley Cup! Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear husband ...

2010-06-04T15:11:00.002-05:00

Ever wanted to tell your husband where he can put his opinion?

Yeah ... I want to often .... as in ... right now....

As in ... "hey honey ... shove it."

Where have you been??

2010-06-03T10:01:00.002-05:00

Where the hell has time gone?

I have so many thoughts ... so little time to write them!

For now, I will write about what I am proud of today.

I have lost a total of 20 pounds with only 10 more to go until I hit my goal!

Sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life - 24/7

2010-05-20T07:32:00.002-05:00

Been way too long since I wrote anything.

My problem? Every time I sit down to write, something pops up: leaks in the basement (which found their way into our electrical box), yard work (can I just say that trying to remove 15 years worth of mulch lends to many stuffed outdoor bags, and a very sore back the next morning?), children not sleeping (playing Supernanny for one week can wear any sane person down) ....

You name it, I am doing it, have done it or will be doing it within the next 24 hours!

Life happens. Life has been happening.

I am hoping it will continue to happen .... but maybe at a more peaceful pace???

:)

I love my kids .... I love my house (but, have you ever seen the movie Money Pit? That is our home, seriously!) .... my job has even gotten a bit better.

Life is happening ... and it aint that bad.

Holy pain, Batman!

2010-05-04T14:57:00.003-05:00

OMG ...

I have a bladder infection. Not just any old bladder infection, but a raging, nasty, horrible infection that is making me feel like my bladder is going to explode and disappear from this earth.

I started feeling the familiar feelings of bladder infection of the past on Friday. I was determined to not take antibiotics, as I always end up with a yeast infection and I so do not want to go down that road again.

So, I researched some homeopathic and health food sites and found this product: D-Mannose. This came with many reviews, most on the positive end of things.

I bought some ... not cheap ... but i figured it would be worth it if I could avoid antibiotics and yeast infection creams!

Well, I tried it, and as of yesterday at 3:00, I gave in.

I am seeing the doctor tomorrow morning at 8:15.

I can honestly tell you, I wish I would have called on Friday.

Being natural is great ... but bladder infections, yep, I will never again mess around.

This pain is the worst I have ever had (and I have had many over the years).

Seriously folks, they only way I would feel better is if I could spend the next 24 hours just sitting in the bathroom. Then and only then, would I feel a sense of relief.

But, since I cannot do that .... I will try and send my thoughts elsewhere while my bladder screams at me to rip it out from where it is hiding!!!!!!

An extra 2 feet for luck?

2010-04-20T11:23:00.002-05:00

I bought Big J some new gym shoes last week. He seems to go through gym shoes monthly ... they must drag their toes on the cement when they have outside time at school.
Anyway ... I brought the shoes home and he wanted to play ASAP in them (he thought they were going to make him run super fast).
I put on the shoes, double knotted them (I could have quadruple knotted them) and sent him on his way.
Next thing I know, he is yelling for help and sitting on his bike in the middle of the sidewalk.
When I walked over to him, I noticed that his shoelace had wrapped itself around his bike pedal.
The next day I went to Target and bought new, appropriate length, shoelaces.
Now, I wouldn't think anything if this was the first time; but, I have had this issue in the past.
I buy these children's shoes, for little feet and we get these shoelaces that could tie up combat boots!!!
WTF?
Do they really think we need shoelaces that long? What do they propose we do with all that excess???
Am I alone out there????

Speaking of pet peeves ...

2010-04-13T11:32:00.006-05:00

My earlier post got me to thinking about the rest of my pet peeves (and the girl who was shuffling her feet the whole length of the train this morning helped too!).

I know I have posted this before, but it is time to revisit!

Seriously people, pick up your effing feet. if your shoes are too big, buy a smaller size. If you cannot walk in flip flops (and I love, love, love flip flops), don't wear them!!!! Walking involves lifting your feet, heel then toe .... not keeping your feet flat and shuffling forward!

I cannot stand having friends or family that talk a big game. You know the type, "oh, we should get together! We live so close... blah, blah, blah." Look, if you are serious, let's talk. If you are just saying it to be "nice," don't say it! I actually try and make plans with people. I hate those that consistently cancel, decline or ignore me!!

Stay at home moms who love to rub it in your face that you actually have to leave the house to work. The moms that ask if you want to make plans for lunch, when they know you are working. Moms that make comments about "working mothers," as if we have the plague. I am working to hopefully get ahead in our bills and savings plans, so that someday I can be home for my kiddos. This is my life. I don't judge you; do not judge me.

When driving along the highway, please do a few things. 1. Make sure you have a car that has working brake lights. When you have to stop and I cannot see that you are stopping ... well, it gets a bit tricky. 2. The left lane is for FAST drivers. The right lane is for SLOW drivers. Do NOT get them confused. 3. If you are going to tailgate me, I will slam on my brakes. get off my ass. If I am driving at speed limit there is probably a good reason for that, you should do the same!

When I am running errands, I usually have my two boys in tow. After a busy grocery shopping trip I have to unload groceries, buckle to kids in car seats, usually console one of the kids because they couldn't get a toy/treat, and, most of the time, open up a snack that I promised them inside the store as a bribe to keep them quiet. Why, in God's great world, do people find it necessary to sit in their car, blinker on, and wait for us to back out? Why, do they do this when there are more than enough spaces just a few feet over? Will I go to Purgatory for too long because I purposely take a longer time to get the car going for these people?

I was at Potbelly for lunch on Sunday with the boys. They went to sit at the high-top table while I ordered the sandwiches. We have a high-top for our kitchen table, so they, for the most part, know how to handle themselves in the higher chairs. As I turned to check on them, the lady that was sitting near them took it upon herself to pick Little j up and hold him. When I bolted over there, she said, "they should not be sitting here, he could fall." I about flipped my lid. Do NOT, under any circumstances, ever touch my children unless they were in dire trouble. I will kick ass ... seriously, I will.

Of course, I have a myriad of pet peeves I could talk about, but then, I would sound awful. So ... I will leave it at that for now.

What are your pet peeves?

Pet Peeve

2010-04-13T07:44:00.002-05:00

OK folks, when you join a pool for anything: Superbowl, a baby's birth date, March Madness, etc, and it costs cash to join, please, please, please .... do not make the person running the pool hunt you down.

Your lack of ownership just makes you look like an ass. Period.

Now, back to chasing down my $10 ...

Will I get caught?

2010-04-12T14:25:00.001-05:00

So ... It is the Cubs' home opener ... and a beautiful day ....

I called it quits early and got home just in time to see the first pitch (and 5 run 3rd inning).

Hope I don't get caught!

Go Cubs!

Time to finish what I started

2010-04-06T16:45:00.003-05:00

So, last year at this time I started a massive weight loss attempt. I lost 25 pounds. I haven't gained anything back, thank God, but I also hadn't lost anything either.
So, about 3 weeks ago, I started really kicking things into high gear. I hit a bit of a snag when I got sick ... basically two weeks went by without ever hitting the gym.
I started back at Spin yesterday and felt awesome.
So, here we are, a few weeks later and I have lost 5 pounds!
WooHoo!
Only 20 more to go!!!!!!!!!

Battle of the Sexes ... no surprise here!

2010-03-30T10:27:00.003-05:00

OK, so I read this article this morning, about who is harder to raise, boys vs girls. After tallying it up ... it appears I am doomed. boys are innately insane!!!!! ;)
I love my boys ... they keep me active (I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why I am not a size 2 since I spend my time with them all hyped up and running every where!) ... and they keep me on my toes.
My boys will also drive me to become a stressed out alcoholic!!!!!!!!

Battle of the Sexes
By Paula Spencer
I often say that I spend more time and energy on my one boy than on my three girls. Other mothers of boys are quick to say the same. Forget that old poem about snips and snails and puppy dog tails, says Sharon O'Donnell, a mom of three boys and the author of House of Testosterone. "Somehow it's been changed to boys being made of 'fights, farts, and video games,' and sometimes I'm not sure how much more I can take!"
Not so fast, say moms of girls, who point out that they have to contend with fussier fashion sense, more prickly social navigations, and a far greater capacity to hold a grudge. And as a daughter grows, a parent's concerns range from body image to math bias.
Stereotyping, or large kernels of truth? "I think parents use 'which is harder?' as an expression of whatever our frustration is at the moment," says family therapist Michael Gurian, author of Nurture the Nature. "Boys and girls are each harder in different ways."
Every child is an individual, of course. His or her innate personality helps shape how life unfolds. Environment (including us, the nurturers) plays a role, too: "There are differences in how we handle boys and girls right from birth," says David Stein, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Virginia State University in Petersburg. "We tend to talk more softly to girls and throw boys in the air."
But it's also true that each gender's brain, and growth, unfolds at a different rate, influencing behavior. Leonard Sax, M.D., author of Boys Adrift, believes parents raise girls and boys differently because girls and boys are so different from birth -- their brains aren't wired the same way.
So, can we finally answer the great parenting debate over which sex is more challenging to raise? Much depends on what you're looking at, and when:
DisciplineWho's harder? BoysWhy don't boys seem to listen? Turns out their hearing is not as good as girls' right from birth, and this difference only gets greater as kids get older. Girls' hearing is more sensitive in the frequency range critical to speech discrimination, and the verbal centers in their brains develop more quickly. That means a girl is likely to respond better to discipline strategies such as praise or warnings like "Don't do that" or "Use your words." "Boys tend to be more tactile -- they may need to be picked up and plunked in a time-out chair," Gurian says. They're also less verbal and more impulsive, he adds, which is especially evident in the toddler and preschool years.
These developmental differences contribute to the mislabeling of normal behavior as problematic, a growing number of observers say. Five boys for every one girl are diagnosed with a "disorder" (including conduct disorder, bipolar disorder, hyperactivity, attention deficit disorder, sensory integration disorder, and oppositional defiant disorder), says Stein, also the author of Unraveling the ADD/ADHD Fiasco. Some kids -- most often boys -- may simply fall on the more robust end of normal. They need more opportunities to expend energy and aggression, as well as firmer limits.
Physical safetyWho's harder? Boys"Much after-dinner wrestling here," reports Michelle Mayr, the Davis, California, mom of four boys, ages 5 to 12. "I'm constantly fighting to keep my house a home rather than an indoor sports center. Their stuffed animals' primary function is to be added to the pile of pillows everyone is launching into from the coffee table." In general, boys are more rambunctious and aggressive, experts say. Taking risks lights up the pleasure centers of their brains. Many parents find they have to keep a closer eye on what a son is "getting into," or use more bandages.
But letting kids explore -- at the cost of a few scrapes and cuts -- builds character, self-confidence, resilience, and self-reliance, says Wendy Mogel, Ph.D., author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. Boys, being natural risk takers, may need encouragement to slow down a little, but maybe girls need to be encouraged to take more risks. Look for opportunities for your daughter to jump off a wall, swim in the deep end, or try the bigger slide.
CommunicationWho's harder? First boys, then girlsFrom birth, a girl baby tends to be more interested in looking at colors and textures, like those on the human face, while a boy baby is drawn more to movement, like a whirling mobile, says Dr. Sax. (These differences play out in the way kids draw: Girls tend to use a rainbow of hues to draw nouns, while boys lean toward blue, black, and silver for their more verblike pictures of vehicles crashing and wars.) In a nutshell, girls are rigged to be people-oriented, boys to be action-oriented. Because girls study faces so intently, they're better at reading nonverbal signals, such as expression and tone of voice. Boys not only learn to talk later than girls and use more limited vocabularies, they also have more trouble connecting feelings with words.
"While most girls share their feelings and details of events, my three sons honestly don't see that as important. I spend my days asking, 'What happened then?' or 'What did he say after you said that?'" O'Donnell says.
Important note: Because boys hold eye contact for shorter periods than girls, parents may worry about autism, since this can be a red flag. "It's a relief for moms to know that this is normal and comes from the way the brains are set up," Gurian says.
As girls get to be 8 or so, things can get harder: The flip side of being so adept at communicating is that girls exert a lot of energy on it. There can be a great deal of drama around who's mad at whom, who said what and why, and more. Start when your daughter's a toddler to establish an open communication, so she learns she can come to you for advice.
Self-esteemWho's harder? GirlsDeveloping a healthy self-image is critical to all kids. But as the more compliant and people-oriented gender, girls tend to grow up less confident and more insecure than boys, researchers say. Famed gender researcher and psychologist Carol Gilligan, Ph.D., calls this "the tyranny of nice and kind" -- unwittingly raising girls to be people pleasers.
"This cultural pressure to put others' needs first, ignore one's own gut feelings, and avoid asking for what one wants has traditionally harmed girls," says Jenn Berman, a California family therapist who wrote The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids. "Despite the fact that she enjoys the positive attention and accolades that people pleasing brings, the more a girl pushes her own needs and desires underground to please others, the more likely her own self-esteem will suffer."
"I see a natural nurturing instinct in my daughter and her friends," says Tracy Lyn Moland, a parenting consultant in Calgary, Alberta, who has a girl, 11, and a boy, 8. "I find myself saying, 'I can take care of that -- you get yourself ready,' when she's trying to mother her brother."
Make no mistake, helpfulness and nurturing are virtues for everybody. But this tendency in girls makes it smart to help her explore and strengthen her inner nature and encourage her to try new things.
Body image is a big part of self-esteem, and though there's certainly body-image dysfunction in boys and men, it remains mostly a female issue. The natural rounding out of the body that happens in puberty clashes with the unnatural slimness girls see in the culture around them.
Be aware of the messages you convey about your own body, diet, and exercise. "It's painfully obvious that girls' negative body image can come directly from seeing their moms look critically in the mirror and complain," says Berman. "Teach your daughter to listen to her body's signals of hunger and satiety. Girls who listen to their bodies tend to listen to their instincts in other areas." Sports are a great way for girls to build confidence and a healthy appreciation for their bodies.
SchoolWho's harder? Mostly boysBoys and modern education are not an idyllic match. An indoor-based day and an early emphasis on academics and visual-auditory (as opposed to hands-on) learning ask a lot of a group that arrives at school less mature. In their early years, most boys lag behind girls in developing attentiveness, self-control, and language and fine motor skills.
The relatively recent acceleration of the pre-K and kindergarten curricula has occurred without awareness that the brain develops at different sequences in girls and boys, Dr. Sax says. Music, clay work, finger painting, and physical exercise -- early-ed activities that once helped lively kids acclimate to school -- are vanishing. Few teachers are trained in handling the problems that result.
One area where girls do less well in school concerns spatial learning, such as geometry. Girls may use different parts of their brains to process space perceptions. The key is for parents to present both boys and girls with plenty of no-pressure opportunities to try out the areas that are challenging.
The bottom line? On balance, the general consensus seems to be that boys are more of a handful early on, and girls more challenging beginning in the preteen years. Which means that, as the mom of daughters who are 12, 9, and 7, I have the next ten years cut out for me!
Parenting contributing editor Paula Spencer is the coauthor, with Jill Stamm, M.D., of Bright From the Start: The Simple, Science-Backed Way to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, From Birth to Three.

While I am on the subject ...

2010-03-23T13:41:00.003-05:00

A girlfriend of mine just sent me this article:

http://www.illinoisfamily.org/news/contentview.asp?c=34804

If they want to tell me that health care is a right (which, um, isn't in the Bill of Rights, I might add ... and, we have the right to life, which, according to Obamacare, babies won't have), well, then, why am I not allowed to carry a gun, when the right to bear arms is in the Bill of Rights??????

Effed up ... seriously ... these people are all effed up.

Sorting out my thoughts

2010-03-23T11:12:00.002-05:00

I spent the weekend immersed in NCAA basketball. It was one of the most incredible tourneys that I can even remember. Buzzer beaters, upsets .... it was what I love through and through.

I also spent most of the weekend sick ... and with my boys. We had fun but I was exhausted and worn out through most of it. I did get to go out for a birthday dinner with E on Saturday night, so that was enjoyable (even though i couldn't breathe!).

What sucks the most though, is that my weekend ended on a sour note. This health acre bill being passed and Stupak being a complete and total sellout has me completely depressed.

People who actually believe Obama will stay true to his word and allow the Executive Order regarding abortion to stay, well, for lack of better words, they are ignorant.

Obama has stood by nothing that he has ever promised.

Plain a d simple, in the not to distant future, my tax dollars will be paying for babies to be murdered.

There are no other words. There are no ways to soften the blow.

I am disappointed in my government.

I am disappointed in all those who see this as positive.

Most of all, I am disappointed that in the land of the free ... my voice is no longer heard, my choices are no longer valid, and I am truly, no longer free.

I still can hardly organize my thoughts and feelings on this whole thing. Once I do, maybe I can say how I feel more intelligently.

What time is it?

2010-03-18T07:12:00.002-05:00

March Madness!!!

I love, love, love this time of year.

I agonize over my brackets.

I make sure I schedule work around the games (although I screwed myself this year with two doctor appointments today and tomorrow, both at 3:00).

I plan meals around games.

I become basketball obsessed.... and I don't feel guilty.

And ... oh yea ... this hype about Obama picking his brackets?! WTF? I could care less!!!!! Leave sports to us ... keep your politics out of it

Selfish Acts

2010-03-16T10:26:00.002-05:00

So, I was talking with my sister yesterday and she told me about a "friend" of hers ... I am appalled.

Apparently, this couple wanted to get pregnant and couldn't. They spent over $30,000 on fertility treatments and are now deeply in debt.

They finally got pregnant and announced to all. They were due in April.

Well, they had a series of tests done and found out that they had a 75% chance of giving birth to a baby with special needs.

Instead of asking for God's grace to help with this miracle that God blessed them with, they drove down to Miami and had an abortion at 6 months.

They are now trying to get pregnant again.

Some people will never learn. I pray for the soul of that poor gift from up above .... they are an angel in Heaven.

Oh crap ....

2010-03-11T08:32:00.004-06:00

OOPS ....

So, E had to go on another Army trip this week. He left on Tuesday. He called me that night and told me that he was pulled over for speeding and got a ticket (his 2nd since December).

Luckily it wasn't too bad, and he is going to do whatever he has to in order for it to not go on his record.

Yesterday I was driving down 290 and there was a cop literally every two miles. People were pulled over all over the place. It went on for at least 20 miles.

This morning I had to get the kids out of the house at 6:30 so I could be at a police station no later than 7:15.

I drop them off and head to the expressway.

I merge on, attempt to head to the left lane (and get around a slow moving delivery truck) and HELLO! Red and blue lights are immediately in my rear view mirror.

SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

So, I got my license and insurance card out and I was prepared for the worst.

Sheriff, "Where are you going?"

Me, "I am headed to a police station for roll call."

Sheriff, "Are you an officer?"

Me, "No, I handle their retirement plan."

Sheriff, "Slow down and be careful, you have a nice vehicle and I would hate to see you wreck it."

Are you freaking serious?

Thank you Jesus, thank you!!!!!!!!!

Little blessings ... they can make your day (and slow your heart down from the massive attack you start to have when you get pulled over).

Words

2010-03-09T14:26:00.003-06:00

I had my annual review yesterday.

Let's refresh our minds with what happened at my mid-year review: I sucked ass. I was told that if I didn't shape up I would be fired. I was told that my peers have all complained about me (by the way, at my annual sales meeting I talked with my peers, they all laughed out loud when I told them this). I was given no raise, no compliments ... nothing.

So, when I walked into my office, on a whim, yesterday, and was pulled aside by my boss, I tensed up, immediately.

My stomach hurt, my jaw was clenched; I was prepared.

Well, I got compliments. I was told that I was actually doing a good job.

I got a 1.91% raise ... hey, it ain't much, but it is a raise that I have not gotten in over 3 years!!!

I actually walked out of my office yesterday with a smile on my face. It is amazing what it feels like when someone actually recognizes your hard work; when someone gives you words of encouragement

I still hate my job .... but, it doesn't hurt so bad right now!

REALLY ready for happy hour ....

2010-03-04T07:34:00.003-06:00

It has been a wild and exhausting last few weeks.

I made it through my Annual Sales meeting in Las Vegas last week. Even though it was only Monday through Thursday, I felt as though I was out there for weeks! It was good to get home and see the boys ... and get away from work people; I had had enough.

I tried to get tickets to go see my parents in late March .. .and then I forgot that I am in the land of the working, not the land of the spring-breakers. There wasn't a ticket top be found :( So ... we will be going mid-April. Not what I wanted, but we are going.

What makes these past few weeks so difficult is little j. After he started crawling out of his crib my nights suck ass. I might as well have an infant at home. I feel like calling one of the four friends/family that had babies last week and tell them that they can drop the kiddos off over here for a night - I am up anyway.

I play this game every stinkin single night. He crawls out of bed, stands at the gate and moans and then starts calling for Mommy. It works one of two ways:

1. I go in, pick him up, put him back in bed and then 15 minutes later we repeat. This goes on for about an hour to two hours.

2. I stand at the gate in the beginning tell him that it is bed time and I won't be coming back, he then proceeds to cry, moan, yell and scream at the gate for about an hour to two hours, when he them finally is exhausted and gives up.

Last night I ignored him. He cried. He screamed. He yelled for Mommy, Dada, Big J ... anyone who might come. After one hour I heard Big J crying in his room and I had had enough. I went to see Big J who was crying because he had to pee but didn't want to walk past little j and get him excited (good thinking from a 4 1/2 year old at 3:00 am!). I proceeded to help him to the bathroom, explain that he should never not pee, and get him tucked back in.

Then I had to settle little j down and get him in bed. He pointed to the door and told me to go. I got back into bed and 15 minutes later ... "Mommy!" I don't remember if he stopped or if I was too tired to care, but next thing I know my alarm was going off this morning for work.

Seriously all, I am exhausted. I am frustrated. I want to tell him, politely, "shut the hell up!" But, I am Mommy ... and at this point, I am ready for happy hour.

Lent has begun ...

2010-02-18T10:23:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday. As a Catholic, I went to church and started my Lent off by receiving ashes on my forehead.
I do this every Ash Wednesday. And, every Ash Wednesday I listen to the bumble heads who haven't yet learned how to stop making asses of themselves
"Wow, I am glad I am not religious so I don't have to put that shit on my head."
"Oh, you are one of those Asher people."
"You have dirt on your head, hee hee."
"You guys sure look dumb with that smudge on your head."

Those are just a few of the comments I have heard throughout the years.

Let's start off by stating, we live in an era where the media covers everything that goes on in this Country and this world. We hear about groundhogs, polar clubs jumping into frozen lakes, the start of Ramadan, etc. By now, unless you are oblivious, most everyone knows what Ash Wednesday is and what it symbolizes for Catholics and Christians.

It isn't shit or a smudge on my forehead, it is a cross of ashes symbolizing my mortality and belief that through God I can turn away from sin.

Why is it that people feel the need to laugh at or scoff anything religious? Are they afraid? Confused? Pissed off? I am more than happy to answer any questions someone would ask of me.

But, seriously. If I walked around and saw a Muslim and said, "Ha Ha, you are one of those towel head guys." Do you think I would get in trouble?

This isn't a sports team that I am rooting for. It is my faith. Laugh at someone who wears buckeyes around their neck or paint themselves in team colors, but laugh at someone who is practicing their faith? Seriously, grow the eff up.

So .... my Lent begins and I am reminded that even mainstream Christianity isn't mainstream. Blessed are those that are persecuted, I guess, right?!

I started my Lent off well ... had our traditional meal of Plotski (not even a real word ... my Mom used to make it for us ... basically crepes spread with jelly and rolled up). I make it every Ash Wednesday, and the kids seemed to enjoy it.

I have given up pop, snacking between meals and swearing ... I think the hardest of the bunch will actually be swearing ... I hate that I have a potty mouth.

Hopefully I can fix that in the next 40 days.

I will also say a few extra prayers for those that just "don't get it" in this world. There are a lot of them ... and they need all the help they can get.

I am breaking up with you ....

2010-02-16T10:29:00.004-06:00

As I stood in the middle of my closet, staring at the clothes, and saying to myself, "I have nothing to wear," I realized that it is time to end this winter.

I feel this way every February. I look in my closet and suddenly realize that everything I own sucks. The color, the style, the fit. It all sucks. I suddenly find myself wearing the same 3 outfits on a steady rotation.

I notice that all of my boots have scuffs and scratches and they look like hell. My shirts have all developed these little holes on the waist line and make me look like I belong in a trash can (where the hell do these things come from??). But, I am not about to go and buy anything ... because even the new stuff (only to be found on tightly stuffed clearance racks) is sad looking at this point too.

Everything I wear seems to be black, brown or some version of grey. Suddenly my pants feel like I have gained 30 pounds (I haven't gained a pound though). What the hell?

Everywhere I go I see new stuff out there. Pretty T-shirts. Cute skirts. Sandals (yes, sandals!). Why the hell would I buy any of this stuff if we are going to walk around in the cold, slush and snow for another two months? Why do you people do this to me?

I am tired of soup and casseroles. I want salads. I want to grill. I want to walk outside and put my ugly coat away!!!!

I want to change the clocks so that maybe my son will sleep past the hour of 6:00 am! I want to have daylight extend past the dinner hour so I can feel free to get stuff done and enjoy my children without the aid of the TV!

Go away Winter I don't want you around any more. We need to take a break. I am tired of your grey skies, your dirty roadways, your ugly clothes. I don't want to see you anymore. Send someone else in your place ... namely ... SPRING.

Let's listen for the ding

2010-02-11T13:26:00.003-06:00

I miss my Mom.

I miss my Dad.

I miss my sisters.

I think it is time for a trip home - I need some attention. Some time to sit on the couch with a glass of wine and chill ... while someone else watches my children!

I need to walk around barefoot for a while ... shit, even their cold fronts sound downright balmy to me at this moment!

I need a Mommy shopping trip and a Daddy martini and hug.

Could I throw my tantrum right about now? Should I shed a few tears and see if I can get my way? I feel like a 3 year old right about now, but don't we all have one of those in us sometimes?

Time to book a trip ....

Never let them go diaper-less

2010-02-09T07:45:00.004-06:00

I took the boys to swim lessons yesterday evening (E is on an Army trip until Wednesday ... lots of responsibility for me with the boys .again, like old times... but, OH what a break that is!).
I offered to make leftovers (chili dogs from Superbowl Sunday) or we could stop at McDonald's (a rarity in our house). McDonald's won.
So .... I get the kids set up at the kitchen table with their Happy Meals, I reheat some leftover Chicken Marsala for myself and I kindly inform them that right after dinner we will have bath time.
They ate, I ate, everyone was happy. Big J was done first and went to watch some TV. I started getting a few chores done and let little j finish. Suddenly little j shows up in front of me with the wipes box, "boof."
Mommy, "Did you mess your diaper?"
little j, "boof. No."
Mommy, "hee hee, did you 'boof'?"
little j, "no."
The smell was overwhelming.
So .... I tell Big J that it was bath time. He runs upstairs to take his clothes off and put them into the hamper.
I take little j to his room, take off his clothes and clean up his diaper. I told little j to go to the bathroom it was time for a bath. I didn't put on his diaper ... no need, right?
I start to run the water and turn to go get Big J. Little j was standing - naked - on the step stool at the sink. He turns and looks at me and heads into the bathtub.
Out of the corner of my eye I notice something that just doesn't seem right.
I look down and see something on the step stool, bathroom rug, bathroom tile and on the side of the tub.
Dude .... the kid took a dump while standing on the stool and then proceeded to drop it all over the floor as he booked towards the tub!
GROSS!!!!
So ... I scramble ... my naked 4 1/2 year old runs to the bathroom and says, "How can I help (dude - who the fuck IS this kid????)?" I instruct him to go to the basement door and grab a Target bag.
I then get wipes and scoop up the ickiness.
Big J holds the bag while I clean up and little j just sits in the tub, poopy and happy.
In the end, butts were cleaned, rugs were washed and boys were put to bed.
But seriously, to my dear sweet husband, these incidents just reinforce that we do NOT need a dog in our house for quite some time!!!!!

Watching my boys

2010-02-08T11:51:00.003-06:00

I just turned on my nanny-cam and sat here and watched Big J do exercises with his class. Little j is doing an art project.

While I think it is awesome that they are getting this social network and stimulation, it makes me crave staying home with them even more.

I have been pouring my heart into work lately. It was New Year's goal of mine ... not complain as much and just try, harder.

Well, I have been. I have been working my ass off and have even reached my goal. Unfortunately I know this pace is going to die down, especially with the market starting to dive again.

The part that irks me the most, and always has, my jag-bag of a boss. Think he has said one encouraging remark since the start of the year? Think he has given me even a half-assed pat on the back? Nope. Nothing. Nada. Sip. Zilch. Zero.

Asshole.

Seriously.

So ... I will keep working hard. But, every time things like this happen I get an even longer list of reasons to hate my job, and my company. And I get 1000 more reasons to want to tell them to stuff it.

I love my life. I love my kids. I wish I could love my job ... ain't gonna happen.

The scents of our lives ...

2010-02-04T13:50:00.004-06:00

So, my last post got me thinking about this post.

We have five senses, right? So, what else can bring memories back into the front part if our brain? How about smells and scents?

What can take me back to good times? Bad times? Younger Days? Better days?

Aramis cologne. This smell makes me think of my Daddy. Over the years we have tried to buy him new and updated colognes. But he always goes back to his old stand-by, Aramis. And you know what? That makes me happy. It is just "my Dad." Before I left for college I sprinkled a teddy bear of mine with his cologne ... on bad days I just smelled it and always felt better.

Onions and celery, sauteing in butter. Weird? Probably. But every time I make a soup or stuffing and start with that combination and it starts to fill the room with its aroma, I think of my Mom. I especially think of her and when she would make our Thanksgiving dinner. The house would always smell like this for what seemed like days! It makes me feel so cozy and comforted.

Baby powder. Even though baby books instructed me to not use baby powder on my kids, I did. And whenever I smell it, I think of them as little infants, all clean after baths and snugly. Peaceful. Precious and tiny.

Chlorine. Well, really, its the smell of your skin about an hour after you have been in a chlorinated pool. Brian, the high school boyfriend, was a life guard. He always smelled like chlorine. The smell makes me think of easy times, fun times, times with no kids, bills or jobs!

Charcoal grill. Lit of course. AAhhhh ... the smell of a summer evening, sun starting to hit the horizon, the evening just starting. I think of times where my Dad would start to throw burgers on the grill for dinner. I think of days where my boys are running around the backyard as we start to grill a late dinner. I love the smell of that grill the feelings it stirs up!

Michael Kors perfume. I love, love, love this stuff. I like a lot of perfumes. But, I specifically bought this perfume for my wedding day. Whenever I wear it I remember walking down the aisle, cutting cake, toasts, first dances and first kisses.

Eternity for women. My girlfriend in high school wore this every day. Her car smelled like this. Her room smelled like this. To this day, whenever I smell Eternity I think of the good times we used to have back in the day.

Polo cologne for men. I banned E from wearing this cologne after we got together. My horrible, nasty ex used to wear Polo. He bathed in Polo. Drank Polo. Shit - he probably peed Polo. That is one smell that can bring up the dry heaves immediately.

Pickles. For some reason, every time I smell pickles, I remember scratch and sniff stickers. I remember sitting on our front stoop with my best friend flipping through our sticker books. I remember the nasty smelling ones - skunk, garbage, licorice and I remember the good ones - pickles, popcorn, pizza!

Root beer floats. My Grandpa made these for us every time we went to visit him. They always had Neapolitan ice cream and when they were out of vanilla ice cream, he would use strawberry. After he made our floats he would always take us out into the back porch and let us sit on the glider and drink them.

Coconut, specifically tanning oil with coconut. Remember those days? Laying around with your girlfriends, boomboxes blasting. Magazines spread out and our skin caked with tanning oil so we could catch some rays. Geesh - I miss that. I really do!

And, do you know what I noticed? When E left for deployment I went looking for something to hold into that smelled like him. You know what? He doesn't have "a scent." He rarely wears cologne and he switches soaps and shaving creams all the time. There wasn't one thing that I could pinpoint that made me think of him! I think I will have to work on that!

So ... what smells take you back? Coffee? Popcorn? Old Spice cologne?

Songs of My Life

2010-02-02T07:46:00.009-06:00

I was reading the blog of a friend recently and she was posting about a song that was stuck in her head (thanks a lot ... that song followed me around for days!).

After reading this blog (and finally shaking the song out of my brain), I started to think about my life and the music that accompanies it.

I remember a paper I wrote back in high school. It was for an Advanced Creative Writing class that I absolutely adored ... a class that even made me consider Writing as a career ... I have no idea why I didn't pursue that thought. Every once in a while I enjoy looking at some of those papers (yes, I saved each and every one ... most were written about my heartbreak, but some were pretty inspired!).

Anyway, the paper that I remember, was about how certain senses can take you back to memories you didn't even think you remembered. Like the smell of a certain cologne can remind you of your your 8th grade crush or the scent of Jean Nate brings you back to your Grandma's house.

My paper was concentrated on the sense of sound. How certain songs can almost be like pictures floating in front of your eyes when you hear their distinct melodies. Some memories can be sad, some can make you giggle ... some can get you just as fired up now as they did back then!

Here are some of the songs that take me back ....

Celebration by Kool and the Gang. Now, I am sure this song has been played at most weddings or proms you have attended, I know it has for me. But, the one memory that comes up every time I hear this song is a Father/Daughter dance I attended with my Dad during my Freshman year of high school. It was Spring, 1989. I remember noticing how cool my Dad actually was. He had rhythm. He had this distinct dance move where he shakes his hips and bobs his head side to side, all smooth and stylish. I never really had noticed my dad like that until that point in my life. It makes me smile just thinking about it.

Come on Eileen by Dexi's Midnight Runners. This song always take me back to my little yellow bedroom at our last house in Indiana. I remember my sisters and I dancing to that song over and over, running in circles faster and faster as the melody sped up. Good times.

Another One Bites the Dust by Queen. My Mom. Forest Green Chevy Nova. Turned up ... loud. Too cool.

Ice Ice baby by Vanilla Ice. My sisters and I could rap (and, frightfully, still can) each and every word. Ha!

Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton. This song was the Prom theme at my boyfriend's Senior Prom. It was also "our song." Every single time I hear it I can remember him.

***This is where my post will escape to my high school sweetheart memories .... I often wonder if I am psycho for remembering all of this stuff, or if everyone remembers this stuff. These songs remind me of "that" guy, the one who broke my heart into a million pieces. ***

More Than Words Can Say by Alias. I can almost remember the notes Brian (that was his name) used to send me. They were long ass love letters, all gushy and sweet. He once wrote out the words to this song for me. (and all the girls can go ... "aaaawwwwww")

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For by U2. On a night out with friends, this song came on the radio, Brian leaned over and whispered, "I already found what I am looking for."

Days Gone By by Slaughter. Not a well known song. I had just bought this CD when Brian dumped me out of the clear blue sky. This track? I would put it on repeat and sob my eyes out until I had nothing left and then I would do it all over again.

***OK ... no more Brian songs ..... but I did have other boyfriends ... really, I did!!!!***

November Rain by Guns and Roses. So, the guy I met right after the big break up, thought this was "our" song ... on the first night I met him ... and I was totally annihilated. Um ... after one date, I decided I would rather stay heartbroken!

Dream on by Aerosmith. My girlfriend had a crush on a boy (he was pretty hot I must say) in high school who loved Aerosmith. One night, she and I sat in my room and hit play and pause all night long until we learned the words to this song .... ha ha ha. Too bad we didn't have Google.

Killing Me Softly by The Fugees. My middle sister came to visit me in college. She listened to this song incessantly. The visit was a blast. On the way home we listened to this song: To Really Love a Woman by Bryan Adams.

3AM by Matchbox 20. I moved out into my own totally cute apartment. Free from all boys. Free to do anything I chose to do. I listened to this song cranked way up.

Angel by Sarah McLaughlin. I met E when this song was out. I always thought about him when it came on the radio ... even before I realized I liked him.

Best Friend by TimMcGraw. Our wedding song. Also, my ring tone for E. He was/is my best friend ... most of the time ;)

You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban. I dance with my Dad to this song at my wedding. I seriously cannot listen to more than 15 seconds (and that is pushing it) without tearing up and soon sobbing like a baby. If you aren't married, and you plan on getting married, and you really love you Dad, double check the length of the song you will dance with him to ... this one killed me!

Soak up the Sun by Sheryl Crow. The song playing when Big J was born. He was my sun and I soaked it up.

List of Demands by Saul Williams. Unfortunately they didn't have the radio on when little j was born. But March Madness was in full swing when I brought him home from the hospital. There was Nike commercial that they played every other second and this was its song. Little j slept in the pack and play downstairs next to the TV those first two weeks and will probably have some experience with this song someday and not really know why ... he will just think, "where the hell have I heard this before????" :)

I have so many songs I could list. Lists that could go on and on ... especially for an audiophile like me. Maybe some day I will revisit this post and add some more "songs of my life."

What are your songs?

10 Things That Make Me Happy

2010-01-27T12:43:00.004-06:00

My cousin's wife, Libby (http://thespringersdailygrind.blogspot.com/) "tagged" me in her blog, so, what the heck, I will use it as today's inspiration!

...10 Things that Make me Happy.

While I am sure some people will get all deep and poignant ... I am going to list those, as well as a few of the little things that get me through the days sometimes!

1. My little guys. They are insane. They are nuts. They make me want to run out of the house screaming, "HELP ME!" But, they are boys given to me by the good Lord in Heaven and I love them with every ounce of me.

2. My family. Even though my parents have been going through some emotional changes lately, we still get along great. I could not ask for a better mom or dad. My sisters are my friends for life and that, no matter what argument we might have, will never change.

3. My husband. He drives me insane. We have had our ups and downs. But in the end, he is another gift given to me and I cherish him.

4. My TV shows. House, 24, The Forgotten (my new favorite from this year) and My Boys. I cannot miss them and I am sad when each episode is done. Like they say, it is the little things.

5. Spin. I love, love, love, my Spin class. I hate getting UP for the class, but when I am there (and my fave instructor is teaching) I love the exhilarating feeling I get. I could cycle for hours ... sometimes. :)

6. Diet Dr Pepper. I have stated this before, I know. And yes, I know the NutraSweet sucks. But, seriously, I look forward to having a cold can of pop. It makes me feel happy. Period. Cancer be damned. LOL!

7. Summer. Do I have to say anything more??????

8. Reading. Magazines, chic lit, biographies. I love reading and wish I could do more of it; with 2 kids and a full time job, it only happens every once in a while.

9. Loud music. People are sometimes shocked to hear the things that I listen to. Sometimes, it is: the louder, the better. For some odd reason, sometimes, it calms me down. It is the only music that I can listen to when I work out - dance music and hip hop just make me want to bounce. Loud music wants me to rip the gym apart and then piece it back together again. (and, oh yea, is it bad that Big J loves loud music too?!?!?!)

10. God. Without Him it all is meaningless.

OK ... I guess I can tag a couple ....

http://www.misguidedmommy.com/

http://interrupteddaydream.blogspot.com/

Way to go CBS!

2010-01-26T13:02:00.002-06:00

I just read an article on MSN about women's groups protesting the airing of this commercial during the Superbowl:

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/Womens-groups-urge-CBS-to-drop-Tebow-Super-Bowl-ad-012510?GT1=39002

Are you effing kidding me?

As a conservative (except for my filthy mouth), pro-life, pro-family person, I am appalled that I have to watch every pro-choice commercial, emergency "contraception" ads, and liberal propaganda, but at the first chance these these people get, they cry foul.

They say they want freedom for all of this crap ... then give me the same freedom to hear my messages .... get over yourselves. If you want to protest, then protest. Good for you. You just bring more attention to the message.

I support anti-abortion rallies. I support the graphic pictures on the billboards, it can be any worse than an episode of Nip/Tuck. .... I do not support you censoring my beliefs.

Way to go Tim Tebow and Mom ... way to go CBS. You should be proud.

Did you just roll out of bed???

2010-01-21T08:36:00.003-06:00

Had to get to a police station, for work, this AM by 6:00.

After hitting my snooze for a few times, I realized I had to jump out of bed, splash water on my face and get moving.

I got to the station by 6:30.

Noticed that I forgot to put mascara and lipstick on. I look like death. I feel greasy from no shower ..... time to go home and go back to bed!

Ever have one of those mornings?

Lullaby and Goodnight

2010-01-20T10:03:00.003-06:00

What is a girl to do?

My 4 year old has decided that going to bed is no longer easy for him. He is no longer tired. He no longer needs more than 8 hours of sleep. Ugh.

E hasn't been helping at all for the past few months. While he was overseas and at Ft Bragg, Big J was a prince when it came to going to bed. We had this great routine. Teeth, potty, book, nightlight, sound machine, prayers and then "goodnight." If he couldn't sleep, he was allowed to go read a book near his nightlight, but no getting out of bed and wandering around to find Mommy or tell her "just one more thing."

Well, E has decided that laying with Big J is a good thing. the issue? E doesn't just lay there. He sleeps. There are some nights that I will go to check on him and Big J will be awake while Daddy is sleeping. WTF?

Big J is a great negotiator. he loves to see if Daddy can "stay with him," or read "one more book."
I have talked with E about this situation ... I know Big J won't be 4 too much longer and some day he won't want us to stay. But if we ever want sanity around here, or time to get chores done or, gasp, "Mommy/Daddy time," our children to need to go to bed at decent hours.

So, last night, little j went down at 7:30. Fine. Big J was in bed at 8:00. He came down at 8:30 while we were watching our DVR'ed episode of 24. We told him to go up. He peed at 9:00. We heard him walking around at 9:30. When we were going to bed at 10:00 he was still wide awake. Ugh.

So ... starting today. No caffeine after 4:00. None. i don't care who is drinking pop he wants to try. I don't care how much chocolate is on display for dessert. No caffeine for you! Also, on weekends, especially Sunday when we know we have to get up for work/school the next day, no nap.

Wish me luck on this one. I need some ALONE time. I need some "I get to watch whatever I want on my TV" time. My children need to sleep better and become the good kids I know, not the cranky ones that have been around lately!

Please keep your hands inside the ride ...

2010-01-19T12:39:00.003-06:00

My life is a roller coaster. This statement, I know, is nothing that should surprise me, or anyone else for that matter. I have highs and lows, good days and bad. Some days I want to get off quicker than imaginable; and some days, I hope the ride slows to a halt so that I can enjoy it just a bit longer.

Having my baby sister in town this past weekend was awesome, yet, at the same time, it sucked.

Why was it awesome? We chat, eat, shop, laugh til we pee .... we play Wii Fit until 2:00 am. She loves my boys and wants them to grow up right. She gives me a break. She understands why I have cut "friends" out of my life, why I hate my job and why I talk like I have ingested 6 or 7 espressos.

Why did it suck? My husband cannot seem to grasp how to be a social creature, especially with family. My sister likes to voice her opinions, no matter what the repercussions. My sister and my husband fight like cats and dogs. My sister and my husband make me cry (note: apologies always come later and the fights always get resolved). My sister had to go home.

So, I am getting back on my aforementioned roller coaster of a life .... it is a Tuesday in the office, and quite frankly, we could zoom ahead on this ride any time.

My therapy

2010-01-12T10:20:00.007-06:00

A few posts back I mentioned that I have been undergoing physical therapy ... My second session was this past Friday and to be completely honest, it is like going to "psycho-therapy," and here is why ....

**** some of this may be TMI for some folks ... but if I can help one person .... well ... then, so be it ****

I delivered little j on March 14, 2008 by a scheduled C-section. I had no complications during birth, nothing that my doctor declared out of the ordinary at all. In fact, everything I felt was the exact same feelings I had when I gave birth to Big J.

While I was in the hospital recovering, every time a nurse came into check on me, they would declare, "Oh my, you are really bruised!" They would then proceed to push on my stomach and send me into the land that makes you want to scream, "give me drugs NOW!"

I wasn't able to see the bruising, since hospital mirrors are conveniently placed to only show you from the chest and up. Upon my return home I was able to finally see myself in the mirror and I was absolutely horrified. My stomach and pelvic area looked as if I had taken my car and run it head-on into a brick wall. I was completely black, blue and yellow. My parents, who were staying with me, saw it and were just as horrified. Obviously the bruising didn't help in my recovery, but I used ice packs and "did my time."

When I returned to the doctor 6 weeks later she didn't understand why I would have bruised but said that everything seemed fine and I was healing normally.

Life returned to "normal." I went back to work, E was still away on deployment and I soon started working out. I remember feeling like my abs just didn't feel "quite right," but, I had just had major surgery and knew that it could take a long time for things to get better.

E returned in March of 2009; one year after little j was born. It was hard getting back into a routine with him at home, relationship-wise. But we tried. One thing I did quickly notice was that sex was no longer fun for me. Actually, sex had become downright painful.

I attributed a lot of this pain to stress, and not having had sex in roughly 14 months! So, I prodded on. 95% of the time, I would "walk away" from sex with infections, bleeding and pain - horrible, excruciating pain. For lack of any better description, I walked away feeling like I had intercourse with pieces of broken glass. There were times even using a tampon caused me grief.

I went to the doctor. They found nothing wrong. Hormone levels were fine. They treated me for yet, another, yeast infection (oral antibiotics this time) and I was sent home.

The pain and infections continued. I was stupefied. E was frustrated. Our relationship was suffering more than it already had been.

I started doing research on the Internet. The only problem with researching sexual/intimate problems is that you can come up with some awful search results! I finally came to an awesome website www.yeastinfectionadvisor.com . I thought maybe I had made a breakthrough.

Basically, from what I read, a "typical" yeast infection that we have all heard about is really just a symptom of a bigger problem inside our bodies. Yeast can be destroying our entire immune system if we don't get it under control. So, I spent a few hundred $$, ordered some good probiotics, herbal treatments, vitamins, etc and really believed in my heart of hearts I was finally going to fix my problems.

I followed all the directions, and since I was away for Christmas, I didn't have to worry about being around E either. After 3 weeks of treatment ... it came time to have sex. The broken glass feeling was gone, no more infection ... but the pain? The pain was still there. Once again, for lack of a better description, it was as if I had shrunk 10 times!

While I was happy that it appeared I solved the infection end of it, I was still baffled by the pain. So, I set up another appointment with my gyno.

I went to my doctor and this time, E came with me. We talked first, about my issues, feelings, etc. I told her about my natural health treatments. E told her about my complaints. She examined me and said that everything looked healthy. She said that she thought she knew what was going on.

She diagnosed me with dyspareunia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyspareunia and vaginismus http://www.vaginismus.com/

While I had no clue what it was .... I was happy to finally get an answer and know that I could maybe start working my way to a solution. She told me that the first line of treatment was physical therapy (AYFKM????) and if that doesn't work ... there is surgery.

Bring on the physical therapy!

I did ask her how I may have "contracted" this - she said it could be from any number of reasons ... childbirth (even C-sections), stress, or constant yeast infections.

My first PT appointment was right before Christmas. I was a bit hesitant about the entire process,but, if I was going to get relief, I was on board! The therapist asked me a lot of questions, I gave a huge history and then she showed me a bit of the techniques I would be going through. None of it was as invasive as I thought. She noticed that all of my tension was held on the left side of my body and said that I am not the worst case she has ever seen. She gave me "homework" and sent me on my way.

My second appointment was this past Friday and this was by far, one of the most eye opening doctor visits I have had in a while. Since all of the PT appointments are scheduled for one hour, we have time to chat while we are going through the therapy. Part of my therapy is her massaging my C-section scar and the ab muscles around the area.

As she was massaging the right side of my body I was doing fine. When she moved to the left side, I experienced pain. Pain like I felt immediately after giving birth. The same pain that I felt every time one of the nurses came in to "check" on me during recovery.

We started talking about the bruising that I had experienced. While I was laying back, I remembered a moment, right after the delivery that I told her about.

Right after delivery, as I was sitting in recovery, a nurse brought little j into the room and asked if I wanted to give him his first feeding. I said of course (of course)! The nurse then went to raise my bed a bit so I could hold the baby. Rather than raising the bed, the nurse hit a button and my bed crashed down to the flat position with a jolt. Because I was still under the heavy influence of drugs, I felt nothing. She asked if I was OK, E (who was in the room) asked if I was OK ... and yes, at that point, I was OK. Guess I wasn't "OK."

My therapist said that I probably experienced major trauma to my ab muscles, possibly tearing them, and never realized it. She said that I was lucky that I didn't have even further internal damage. She believes that I could have had a muscle tear - it healed on its own and massive amounts of scar tissue formed, causing all of the muscles to tighten over time. She said that everything "down there" is connected.

She explained it to me like this. Make a fist. Now release, completely. That is how we should operate. Now make a fist. Just release a tiny bit. That is how my muscles operate.

I finished my therapy and went home with more homework. All weekend long I felt like I was kicked in the stomach. I am obviously going to have to go through a lot of treatment to get this fixed. Hopefully, this therapy can fix it. I wonder ... would I need an MRI to check out my muscles, see if there are any major rips or tears that need surgery? Can simple massaging and PT fix a problem that happened 2 years ago?

Now, I realize that I have been in pain for a while. My abs have always been tender since delivery. More so than with Big J. I can not tighten my belly to save my life. I just thought it was due to a 2nd surgery or what have you. I have been working out like a fiend for months and my abs will NOT get tighter or flatter. I can hardly do a plank (a move I used to be able to do with ease).

I am being optimistic. I am hoping this therapy will finally send me to a good place. That sex will no longer feel like hell. That maybe I can finally start a good relationship with my husband again. That maybe I can finally use a tampon again without struggle. Maybe I will finally be able to get my body into pre-baby shape again.

Ladies, don't ignore your body. You are not crazy. Pain isn't in your head. Don't feel embarrassed to talk to your friends, family members, doctors. This all may be a lot of personal info to give out ... but I can tell you, I thought I was alone on this one. Glad I found out I am not!

Another weekend come and gone

2010-01-11T13:48:00.003-06:00

It is Monday - again. Am I a broken record with that question? I could just report evey Monday post and it would say the same thing: "Weekend went by too quickly. Is it Monday already? Blah, blah, blah."

The weekend did go by too quickly and .... is it really Monday already?

Thursday I took Big J sledding after our 9 inches of snow ... he had an absolute blast (yes, I had to cut out early and play hookie from work for that one). He loved it. It was fun to get out there and giggle with him.

Went to pizza Friday night, Italian Saturday night (sorry ... I work fulltime and cook all week? Fridays and Saturdays are my nights off).

We took the boys to the library on Sunday ... it was cold out and this was free! They have 17 new books to choose from for the next few weks. It was fun to watch Big J realize that whatever he picked out, I said, "Sure!" to his question of taking it home.

Other than that ... I feel like all I did was LAUNDRY all freaking wekeend. I swear ... how do large families do it? I switched loads and folded all weekend long. I seriously think the washer was on more than our lights were on!!!!

Oh well, now on to working ... and getting ready for my sister to visit on Friday! Woo Hoo!!!!

Weather Watch .... ugh

2010-01-06T19:54:00.002-06:00

Sitting here trying to figure out my day tomorrow ... supposed to be at a client by 6:00am. We are supposed to get socked with a Winter storm. Up to a foot of snow.

Oh dear God ... Christmas is over ... in my mind, Winter should be over as well!

2009 recap ... 2010 preview

2010-01-05T12:41:00.004-06:00

Seriously, where does the time fly to? Is there a place in the great big blue sky of ours that sucks up your vacations and weekends and spits our weekdays back out at us? Last time I blinked it was Thanksgiving. Now, it is January 5 and I have no clue how I ended up here and where the month of December has gone!

Christmas was a beautiful holiday - it always is, no matter where we are or who we are with.

The few days prior to Christmas I spent time getting things done. I worked that Monday - E had to go to attend a funeral of his Uncle - so I had the boys in school. I kept them in school that Tuesday as well, and I took a day for myself. I spent most of the morning at physical therapy (will explain that in a later post), ran to Target, DSW (got a cute pair of black boots), and met a girlfriend for lunch, that included a nice glass of wine. I was planning on getting all of my wrapping finished that afternoon, but the snow needed to be shoveled and E was still gone.

Damn snow.

The boys and I spent our first day of vacation at home. We chilled on the couch,baked and decorated Christmas cookies, wrapped Christmas presents and then spent the evening (and into the night) at my Uncle's house (lots of wine ... and some Prohibition era Whiskey was ingested by yours truly!). I am always so glad to have he and his wife so close to me ... it gives me a flavor of being with my Dad, without being with my Dad.

Christmas Eve was a short day - we went to 3:00 Children's Mass. It was nice - not powerful Midnight Mass nice .... but when they had Santa come down the aisle and silently lay presents in front of the manger I shed a few tears!

That night, E, the boys and I enjoyed a quiet evening at home. We watched some Christmas movies, I made some roasted turkey and potato soup, a few martinis for myself ... it was enjoyable. I did miss my family ... but I always do, so I didn't let it stop my nice time. I stayed up late, drank some more adult beverages and wrapped all of Santa's toys.

Our tree looked like it exploded at that point.

Christmas morning was awesome. Actually, that was the word of the day, "awesome." Everything that Big J opened was "awesome" and "just what I asked Santa for!" ... it was too cool. Little j just wanted to play with stuff ... thankfully, since Big J had just a few more gifts to open than he did!

After all was said and done our living room looked like a Toys R Us and puked all over the floor! No one was let down this Christmas.

Oh yea - I got my Wii fit! I haven't had a chance to use it yet ... but it is on my radar!

E's parents and sister came up for dinner that afternoon. We exchanged more presents and enjoyed the evening.

That Saturday I took Big J to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert. Hands down - best concert I have ever attended. He loved it (slept through about an hour of it - but loved it just the same). Before the concert we went out to lunch at Harry Carrey's ... he got a cheeseburger bigger than his head ... it was sweet to be out with my big dude, just he and I.

We got to talk to Grandma and Grandpa and Aunties from Florida that night via webcam for Christmas. Big J showed off all of his new toys and little j kept looking behind the laptop to see how everyone got there! It was priceless!

The next day was "let's get organized day." All new toys were added to toy bins or new bins were created. Some old toys were added to the donation pile as well. I couldn't take the chaos any longer ... I needed to see my floor once again!

The next few days were spent hanging out, going to kids' play places, breakfasts, lunches, dinners .... while it is stressful to be a stay-at-home-Mommy ... I loved it. I loved devoting my time and energy to my little guys.

I did have the opportunity to escape one evening to meet up with a "friend" from high school. I use the term "friend" loosely to describe N. I don't really think I ever even spoke to her in high school. As a matter of fact, I would be hard pressed to figure out if we even shared a class! Well, through this Facebook thing, we have been chatting back and forth and decided that it was time to chat over adult libations.

She was visiting her folks and we met one evening for a couple beers. It was a BLAST. I wish she lived closer to me so we could do this as a regular thing ... but I have a feeling we will be meeting up quite a bit in the future, even in spite of our distance.

It often makes me wonder. Why wasn't I friends with her in high school? Did we have this much in common and not realize it? Or, did we grow and mature and become who we are now over time? It certainly makes for good conversation.

Anyway .... New Years crept up on us. We took the boys over to friends' house. They played in their basement with their kids while the "big people" sat upstairs and chatted and drank. We celebrated a "midnight" around 10:00 for the kids and then headed home. Big J stayed up with E and I until the "ball dropped" ... I crashed after ... he and Daddy stayed up until 1:00?!?!?!??!

How does a 4 year old do that??

The rest of our vacation was nice. I spent a lot of quality time with Big J and little j and going back to work sucked. But, I did it and I am looking forward to my next time off with the boys.

So ... as I reflect on the past year ... there were highlights and low lights:

E finally made it home last March.
Little j is walking, talking and terrorizing his Mommy ;)
Big J has become a little boy, full of attitude and passion.
I lost 30 pounds (woohoo!); only 30 more to go!
I read books throughout the year - like I wanted to.
I named my business, started my website and got a plan in place.
I created deeper bonds with some, broke some with others and continue to learn about myself through them all.

Things I want to accomplish this year (call them resolutions if you will):

Lose 30 more pounds.
Get my pictures either in scrapbooks or in plain old photo albums ... just as long as they are displayed somehow.
Clean up my potty mouth. I talk like a trucker. Not good.
Deepen friendships; make more time for them.
Deepen the relationship with my husband. Sometimes I feel more like his roommate than his wife - I want more than that.
Enjoy the time with my children more ... work is not that important. They are.
Pray a rosary at least once a week.
Strengthen the relationship with my parents ... seems that they are a bit guarded lately and I don't like it.
Visit my grandmothers more often ... who knows how much longer they will be around.
Curb the complaints ... life aint that bad.
Get my company up and running ... get a few steady clients.

There you have it .... let's see if I can stick to it!

That is NOT the potty ...

2009-12-21T09:45:00.003-06:00

I was going to bed on Friday night, just finished brushing my teeth, when I heard the moan of Big J coming from his room. He had gone to bed quite late and pretty much passed out when his head hit the pillow. I thought maybe he had to pee so I ran down the hall.
In the silhouette of the nightlight, I saw him standing in the middle of the room, naked from the waist down, holding his little "package" and wailing. I flipped on the light, thinking he wet the bed.
Nope, no such luck. Instead, in his stooper, he must have had to pee, thought he ran to the bathroom, and proceeded to pee all over the front of his dresser.
There was pee everywhere .... spalshed on the wall, on his Crayola glow board, pictures of Mommy and Big J, and a long trail on the carpet. Lovely.
I asked him what he did ... no response. He was still sound asleep.
I cleaned him up, cleaned the pee off of the picture frames, dresser drawers, books and toys and put Big J back into bed, where he didn't even flinch.
Seriously ... girls don't do this shit. What is up with that?!?!??!?!

It's beginning to feel like Christmas

2009-12-17T21:16:00.005-06:00

As I sit here drinking a glass of port, listening to Johnny Mathis sing "Silver Bells," and wrap the umpteenth present of the evening ... I thought, "it is actually starting to feel like Christmas."

Was it the port? No, I am sure it helped ... a lot, but it wasn't that. Was it the wrapping and bows and ribbons? Nope. Definitely "Christmasy," but it wasn't the topper. It was Johnny's way of singing about the bells ringing and children playing and blah, blah, blah, that suddenly made it all about Christmas.

There are something that I cannot do without at Christmas .. some new, and some old.

It is not Christmas until I hear the Salsoul Orchestra Christmas album (OK, did I totally just age myself by saying "album?"), never heard of it? OMG! Total classic, and it makes me think of my Mom cleaning the house every time I listen to it (as does Neil Diamond, but I digress). Other "musts" in the music department include, Johnny Mathis, Harry Simeone Chorale, Manheim Steamroller, and Trans-Siberian Orchestra (this is our family mainstay, the boys love it and I am taking Big J to their concert on the 26th).

It isn't Christmas until I watch Charlie Brown (now, I must watch it on DVD, as TV destroys it every year by adding more and more commercials and cutting parts of the beloved show), White Christmas (sing it with me now, "snow, snow, snow!), A Christmas Carol with Alastir Sim (my fave), It's a Wonderful Life (another I have to have on DVD ... no commercials; and it makes me cry every time, still), A Pocketful of Miracles (another must see if you haven't, Glen Ford and Bette Davis, a small spin on My Fair Lady. It was one of my Dad's favorites and now I am addicted), Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (thank God I have children now!) and A Holiday Affair.

It isn't Christmas until I eat a cut-out sugar cookie slathered with homemade frosting and dingo dots (that is what we call 'em and I am sticking to it!), my Mom's cherry cheesecake, spice drops - red and green, egg nog (not the real stuff, but the lite version you buy in the refrigerated section at the store), and my latest favorite, from Starbucks, a venti non-fat peppermint white chocolate mocha (OMG - so effing good!).

It isn't Christmas until I sit on my couch with quiet Christmas music playing, the lights are out and all I see are the lights from the Christmas tree. I am 35 years old and the magic never wears away from that.

Now that I am Mommy, it isn't Christmas until I have wrapped the last present and remembered the "last little something" to throw in their stockings.

And truly, it isn't Christmas until I go to Mass ... it doesn't have to be Midnight or daybreak, just Mass on Christmas ... it is one of the most beautiful things a person can experience. Really ... try it.

What makes your Christmas? Anything I missed?

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-17T09:34:00.002-06:00

From me to you .... stamped and addressed with care (LOL!)!!!

A Christmas Faux Pas ...

2009-12-16T20:33:00.002-06:00

OK, so there are things you do and things you don't do.

You may take a chip from a bowl, dip it in salsa and eat the said chip.

You may not take a chip from a bowl, dip it in salsa, eat said chip and then dip said chip in salsa again.

Christmas gives us rules to follow as well.

You may, upon having a conversation with someone, let that someone know what you might want for Christmas.

You may drop hints to other pople, let family spread the word for you, or, what most people do, just be surprised when you see what you get from a sender.

You may not send you cousin's wife a random post on Facebook, when you have never posted on her Facebook before, stating "hey lisa, i saw that j has my name for christmas, and if you havent gotten anything yet, i would liek the movie the hangover, if not that totally fine. And also if for saturday you could bring some kind of dip, my mom says thank you!"

WTF? Are you serious? Really? Do we have any class?

Honestly people, I wanted to reach thru the cable lines, find the spoiled little brat and tell her, "Look, sweetie, you don't do that. You just don't do something so ridiculously crass and rude. Haven't you ever heard of the reason for giving gifts at Christmas? And, even though I am a very loving person, if I had not already bought your gift (which I had, by the way) the last thing I would get you would be the stinkin movie you asked for."

I am all about buying a gift that someone wants, likes, loves or obsesses over. That is my main intent when shopping. But, I am not about having someone tell me where to go, how much to spend, and what color to wrap it in.

I am not even involved in this gift exchane. Why, might you ask?

About 6 or 7 years ago, I was participating. An aunt of E's sent me an email that went something like this, "You have my name. I want a Hamilton Beach mixer. It costs $14.99 at Walmart. You can give me the rest of the gift in cash."

She did not get the mixer from me that year ... she a got a personalized scrapbook basket (since I knew she was an avid scrapbooker) AND a mixer from someone else. Her name was drawn twice. Do you know who got NOTHING that year, as the rest of the family opened presents? You guessed it! ME!

After, she promised she would take the mixer back and send me the cash so I could get a gift ... I am still waiting!!!!!!!!

So, bah humbug to these spoiled people at this time of year. You can call me, email me, do what ever you want, but I will buy what I want to buy and that will be good enough for you.

Look in the encyclopedia under "real spirit of Christmas" and see if you find "spoiled rotten wishes" in the explanation.

Go ahead, I dare you!

Remember when ...

2009-12-15T09:14:00.002-06:00

... You counted down the days till Christmas break with your friends, exchanged little Secret Santa gifts with them, and vacation seemed to be endless?

... Bills were guys in your class, not envelopes in your mailbox?

... The gifts under the tree seemed to triple every day, and most had your name on them?

... Christmas cards showed up in bulk at your house with a small note of well-wishes?

... you could look forward to a Saturday becuase you could sleep in, or a day all to yourself, all dressed in PJ's and watching Christmas movies?

... You could eat whatever you wanted at a Christmas party without the fear that for three days after you wouldn't be able to button your pants?

... People said Merry Christmas, and smiled during the holiday season, even though they were busy or broke?

... You could stay up til 2:00 chatting it up on the phone, get up at 5:30 for school, drink a Diet Coke for breakfast and last until that night?

... Grown-ups actually acted like grown-ups?

My wish list

2009-12-08T09:08:00.012-06:00

The question today, that I saw on this blog:

What do you really want for Christmas?

That is a great question. I could tell you the superficial stuff: Wii Fit, Michael Kors perfume, a UCF hoodie, fun jewelry, a Blackberry or Smartphone, new pots and pans, picture frames and art for our walls, etc, etc, etc ...

But, what do I really want for Christmas? Well, I want friendship. Yes, I have friends. Old friends and new friends. Good friends, and yes, even some bad friends. But, I have noticed a shift, a paradigm of some sorts.

I notice this happen every few years. The natural ebb and flow of human relationships. I have seen many of my close friendships strengthen and I have also watched many close friends move throughout the country (or stay behind when I was the one moving).

This year has brought some exciting relationships to the table .... my blogger friends, Facebook friends that I have reconnected with, and some friends that I have made on Facebook that never really were friends, but suddenly, like pen pals, they have become important in so many ways.

I think this is what saddens me the most. These friends that I feel this deep connection with, a sense that if we were in the same vicinity, we would really be close.

Of the friends that I have near to me (physically, that is), I don't have any friends that are like me. You know, working moms, with kids that drive them nuts, husbands that they want to kick in the ass, a strong penchant for wine, cheese and crackers .... and an amazing ability to laugh until they cry.

Am I asking too much? Do you think Santa could throw this in his sack and put it under my tree this year? I have been a good girl ... for the most part ... ;)

So, on my wish list ... I want friends. Some relationships that will grow to bigger and better things over time!

Hello .... remember me? Pay attention to ME!

2009-12-07T14:31:00.002-06:00

I have LOTS to blog about ... but only so much time. Lots to catch up with ... but, for now ...

I love my husband, really, I DO love him.

But, I am not in awe of everything he does, and I don't think he is the most wonderful man that has ever stepped onto this earth. He is a great guy, really! I just don't view him the way some girls view their husbands. Why is this bothering me right now? It seems like everywhere I go, people are writing about or talking about how WONDERFUL and PERFECT their husbands are.

Backrubs, little gifts, helping them in every way .... honestly, I do not get these things.

(Yes, some of this may be put on ... I mean, seriously, after being married for 10 years with 3 kids, can a couple TRULY NEVER FIGHT!?!??!?!?!?)

Over the years my husband as dealt with a lot of issues. Rather than dealing with these issues head on, he would rather spend his time blaming me for his problems. This game ebbs and flows. My counselor has told me that it will probably stay like this forever ... it is who he is.

Most days, I can handle it. He has his sweet moments ... and those are awesome. But, sometimes he has his nasty moments and those are the days I question EVERYTHING about us, our lives and my involvent in the whole thing.

When I read about these grteat husbands, there are times, honestly, I get jealous. I wish I had a husband that rubbed my feet when I was pregnant and exhausted. I wish I had a husband who stopped on the way home from work and picked me up my favorite ice cream, just because. I wish I had a husband that ranted and raved about how great I am on Facebook for all to see.

I don't.

I have a husband who says thank you for dinners I cook, and a husband who takes care of the house and our boys. But, for the most part, his "awe" of me is unspoken. I have a husband who lives his life around one person, himself.

I have learned to compensate for this in small ways ... I have learned to just not yearn for things too often. But, its times like the holidays when everyone's lives get all cutesy and cheesy that I do really long for attention; full-on, devoted attention.

Maybe someday, by some God-sent miracle, I will have that. Until then, I will try and please me, myself and I when I am not getting it from my significant other.

Sweet Escape ....

2009-11-17T15:40:00.001-06:00

OMG ... I leave for Florida in less than 24 hours! For 2 weeks ... and if one more person asks me why I have so much vacation time - I think I will burn them at the stake.

I have vacation time because I have worked my ass off for this company for 10 freaking years. I have not job-hopped and have been rewarded with vacation time. It is one of the only perks with this place!!! SO ...

back off people ... I am vacation!!!!

Snot ... it's time to go!

2009-11-12T09:14:00.004-06:00

Still waiting on my nose to stop running and my head to clear up. I know take Vitamin B12, D, C and zinc supplements, as well as Omega 3 and Probiotics that would kick any bacteria's ass.

Let's see if this can all get me healthy ... I am tired of being tired. And my nose feels like someone took a nail file to it (and I use the lotion kleenex!).

On another note ... the boys are healthy. I have them both on Omega 3's and probiotics as well. So far ... so good!!!

Can I feel better, please?

2009-11-04T11:16:00.003-06:00

So, I am sick, again. I have been sick pretty much consistently since September 1. I was in the awful office, again, yesterday (weird, maybe its a pattern with that place ... maybe I am allergic... would that be a reason to quit? Could I get worker's comp??? LOL!)

As I sat in my cubicle I felt the sniffles come on. Then, the sneezing. I thought it was last week's lingering illness, but this one started to hit me with all of its might.

By the time I got on the train, my nose was running nonstop and I couldn't stop sneezing. I was with the boys at Taco Tuesday and the body aches kicked in.

I took a nighttime cold medicine, and slept. And slept. I turned the alarm off at 5:30 ... Spin was NOT in my agenda today. Little j woke up at 6:45 and I had to get up. I felt like I was walking around in a cloud of dust. I was exhausted.

I took both boys to school at 8:00 and came back and crashed on the couch for about an hour. Luckily, I didn't have to be at work until 11:00 today. I still feel like crap.

More than likely, its the flu. But, I cannot go get any more antibiotics ... seriously, I think that is what has hurting my body more than help it. SO, I will kick this sucker naturally ... vitamins, supplements, water and sleep (when the kids let me).

I thought long and hard about this flu thing. I have never gotten a flu shot. My kids have never gotten a flu shot. I hate shots ... and I have heard of so many people getting sick right after the shot that I would rather take my chances getting sick on my own.

I also am very wishy washy on what I believe as far as modern medicine and holistic medicine. I see the good aspects of both.

We went to a chiropractor a few years back, when I was preggo with Big J. E loved him ... everything the guy said was like this brilliant hypothesis. I met him and felt like I was drinking the kool aid.

He took a history of me ... and then told me why I have issues. How dare my mother have a C-section, it lead to my weight gain. My mother didn't breast feed ... lead to my ear infections ... blah, blah, blah.

After I had Big J and came back and told him that I had an emergency C-Section, he was appalled. Then I told him that I was bottle feeding! Ha! He didn't believe in vaccines and was one of the ones that gets a waiver signed for his children to not get them. He also claimed that no one in his family gets sick, ever. I say .. hogwash.

But ... even though I found him to be a quack, there were some things that he made me think about. We put so much stuff into our bodies these days. Chemicals from food, pollution, etc ... maybe we need to start taking care of our insides a little better and then we wouldn't need so many vaccines.

Now, I am not one to go on believing that my kids will get autism from a vaccine ... I have my Mommy fears, but I just don't beleive that it is the case. Some of these vaccines are important. An outbreak of measles or mumps could be much more deadly than a flu outbreak. I just don't believe in shooting my babies up with stuff that we just don't know about, or, quite frankly, don't really need!!!!

My girlfriend sent me this letter from her pediatrician that solidified my decision:

SWINE FLU UPDATE
The news media and the Center for Disease Control (CDC) continue to whip the public into a frenzy about H1N1 influenza. Unfortunately we have precious little data available to help us make rational decisions about what we should do. Meanwhile on the news we see lines of people, blocks long, queuing up at clinics for many hours to get the H1N1 vaccine. Most of them are turned away when the supply runs out. Why don’t we just calm down and ponder some facts.

The flu season has ended in the southern hemisphere and we know that the cases of H1N1 there have been relatively mild.

Here in Lake County, only hospitalized patients are being tested for the H1N1 virus. There is no readily available test to specifically diagnose H1N1. Therefore people with influenza like symptoms are assumed to have H1N1, not confirmed by laboratory testing. We can test for influenza A and B in the office, but this test doesn’t specifically identify H1N1. Therefore we don’t really know how many cases there are. The number of cases quoted in the media is probably being greatly overestimated. Running sensational news about H1N1 generates more viewers and readers. This news also satisfies the pharmaceutical industry that is among the media’s largest advertisers. Think about all those “Ask Your Doctor About [DRUG NAME]” ads that run during the news programs.

The deaths that are being reported are mostly a result of bacterial pneumonia, not directly a result of influenza. As always, cases of bacterial pneumonia should be treated swiftly and aggressively.

We in the medical community do not have access to the medical histories of the patients who have become very ill or have died after contracting H1N1. Therefore we are currently unable to identify those individuals who are at the highest risk. We are told that pregnant women and young children are more susceptible to complications, but we know that most pregnant women and children who catch the flu recover without incident.

The H1N1 vaccine was rushed into production and released without the usual clinical testing required of most drugs. Presently the vaccine has been in use for only two weeks. Since it is being administered in schools, public health clinics, and drug stores, there is no vaccine adverse event reporting system to which doctors who administer vaccines are required to report. If adverse events occur, it will take longer for us to hear about them.

Because the government has declared a “public health emergency”, the pharmaceutical companies that manufacture the vaccines have been granted immunity from product liability lawsuits resulting from this vaccine. Then what pressure do they now face to produce a safe product? We know the sales of the H1N1 vaccine alone are expected to top $1.5 billion, in addition to the $1 billion already booked for the seasonal flu vaccine. These vaccines are part of a wider and rapidly growing $20 billion global vaccine market. When that much money is involved there can be political meddling involved in creating medical mandates for the vaccine.

There are two versions of the H1N1 vaccine. The nasal spray contains live viruses that a person will harbor in their nasal passages for weeks after inoculation. These viruses can be passed on to others they contact. The injectable form of the vaccine comes in multiple dose vials and is preserved with thimerosal, which contains mercury, a known neurotoxin.

Some doctors are recommending Tamiflu, an anti-viral drug to be given within 40 hours of the onset of influenza symptoms to lessen the severity or duration of symptoms. Since 99.9% of flu sufferers make an uneventful recovery anyway, the wisdom of using Tamiflu is questionable. A few years after its approval by the FDA, 25 people under the age of 21 were reported to have died while using Tamiflu. Around 600 reports came in about abnormal behavior, hallucinations, and convulsions in people between the ages of 10 and 19 who were taking this oral neuraminidase inhibitor. (Most of these took place in Japan, where these medicines are much more widely used.) In two separate instances, a 12-year-old and a 13-year-old jumped out of a second-floor window after taking Tamiflu; others fell from windows or balconies or ran into traffic.

I am not opposed to all vaccines. During my lifetime I have witnessed vaccines conquer deadly and debilitating diseases such as smallpox, polio, tetanus, and HIB infant meningitis. Just because some is good, doesn’t mean that a lot is better. I question whether immunizations should be promoted for all illnesses regardless of their severity. We do not have adequate information about the long-term effects of mass immunizing against the less serious diseases such as chicken pox, HPV virus, and influenza.
The natural way that healthy people achieve immunity is by being exposed to viruses or bacteria in their environment. The pathogen enters the nose or the mouth. The body then fights the infection by mounting an antibody response. The antibody response is memorized and upon future exposure to that that pathogen, the antibodies respond quickly to prevent a repeat infection. Injecting viral proteins with a needle into the body for the purpose of creating an antibody response is not nature’s original method of creating immunity. We know that vaccine induced antibodies tend to “wear off”; whereas community acquired infections can create lifelong immunity. I predict that those individuals, who get an annual flu shot, have much poorer immunity to new strains of influenza such as H1N1, than those who opt out of annual vaccination.
At the present time I am planning not to carry influenza vaccines in my office. They will be widely available in our community at local drug stores, schools, and county clinics. Those with chronic health problems or suppressed immunity are more at risk for suffering complications from influenza. For these people immunizing may offer a measure of protection. For healthy people, remember the following immunity boosting advice:

Use the neti pot with warm salt-water solution regularly after all public contacts. The neti pot irrigates the nasal passages and removes some of the bacteria and viruses breathed in during the day. This will reduce the viral load with which your immune system has to cope.

Maintain adequate vitamin D levels. Most of us are deficient in vitamin D during the winter due to the lack of sunlight exposure on our skin.

Eat a diet adequate in protein. Avoid sugar, starchy carbohydrates, and omega-6 polyunsaturated vegetable oils from soybeans, corn, and safflower. Eat plenty of fruits and vegetables.

Supplement with a high quality ultra-refined fish oil.

Get adequate sleep. We require more sleep in the winter when the nights are longer.

Get some moderate regular exercise.

Take a probiotic to help maintain a favorable internal microbial balance.

Wash your hands before eating.

What should you do if despite of your excellent health habits, you still feel yourself becoming ill? Here are some suggestions for natural remedies:

Before the discovery of antibiotics, doctors used colloidal silver extensively as an antimicrobial agent. It is still useful, and unlike antibiotics it treats viruses too, without encouraging the growth of resistant microorganisms. Try 1 teaspoon of a 10 ppm solution, three times daily at onset of symptoms.

Echinacea, an herbal remedy.

Oscillococcinum, a homeopathic remedy - take every 4 hours at onset of symptoms.

High doses of vitamin C, starting at 3 grams daily.

Suck on zinc lozenges

Go to bed earlier and get some extra sleep.

You can use your neti pot up to 4 times daily if you feel yourself becoming ill.

Oil of oregano 4 drops, held under the tongue for a few minutes, followed by a glass of water. Repeat several times throughout the day.

For further information about this subject, visit these links:
http://www.virginiahopkinstestkits.com/virusfighters.html a nice list of flu remedies from Virginia Hopkins, the assistant to the late John Lee, M.D.
http://elvovemd.com/december-2004-newsletter.htm#news2 a newsletter article I wrote about strengthening the immune system.
http://swineflu.mercola.com/sites/swineflu/home.aspx an in-depth analysis of swine flu by Dr. Joseph Mercola, a well-known local natural health physician.

I am definitely going to try some of these ideas, and, some, of have already been doing. Maybe, just maybe, I can have an illness free week someday soon!

Attention shoppers ...

2009-11-03T13:52:00.004-06:00

To the lady that got all pissy with me the other day while in line Target:
A big EFF YOU! When I have been in line for 15 minutes behind a gazillion people and a new register opens up and they say next customer, you bet your big fat sweet butt that I am moving, since I was the next customer in line. I do not feel that I owe you any apologies for stepping in front of your over-flowing cart that just showed up and tried to butt in front of me and my 3 items. So, your nasty look and your heavy breathing did not make me feel bad. Really, it just made me a bit more thankful that I have manners and would have let you step in front of me if the roles were reversed! Get over it lady .....

To the managers at Dominicks:
I have been shopping at your store for almost ten years now. I tell people that I like your store way better than Jewel, but I do not think I can say that any longer. Is there a reason that you refuse to get your freezers replaced? For 5 weeks straight you have had at least 50% of your freezers cleaned out because they are on the fritz, causing me to have to go to Jewel to finish my shopping. Not so much fun when you have a 4 year old and toddler in tow!!! So, my dear Dominicks managers, get your store fixed before I become a Jewel girl!

To the hiring managers that really do not think:
If I offend someone, sorry (well, no, not sorry ... this is my blog and I will tell you what I think ...period) ... I do not want some gay dude helping me pick out women's underwear, women's skirts ... or anything that touches my body. Are there not enough men's stores to find jobs at? Seriously ... go away. Leave me alone. Let the nice lady help me find lady stuff ...... And, if they aren't gay, why would a dude want to work at Victoria's Secret or The Limited, anyway??

To the men who make the bras:
I know you are men, I know there is not one woman out there who designs these suckers. I went to Victoria's Secret the other day (where I encountered one of the first dudes that was working in a "lady" store) and got measured .... holy boobs batman!!!!! Yeah, VS doesn't make bras that fit my boobs. Ever try and find a freaking 34 DDD (yes, 34 DDD) in a store and not look like you put on your 95 year old grandmother's bra? Ugh. Seriously ladies ... can some creative designer please make a bra that fits and looks good? Is that really to much to ask????

To the marketing world in general:
Honestly, I know we all want to make as much money as we can, but do we really need to have Christmas decorations displayed before we even go trick or treating? I seriously start to feel completely overwhelmed in your stores when I feel like I am two months behind on everything I do. Please RISE UP and become the first store that actually keeps up with the calendar! I bet there would be a few people who would be happy about that!

Happy Halloween!

2009-11-02T11:55:00.006-06:00

We took the little guys trick or treating on Saturday.

It is amazing to me the joy that simple acts can bring to your life. It is amazing to me how watching my two guys can bring back a flood of memories from my past.

Remembering the friends I walked with, the Dads that took us ... the weeks that it seemed went by before the last few candy bars were eaten.

Now, I watch as my kids go door to door. As their Dad holds their hands and leads them up stoops and around other kids. I watch as they eat the vegetable soup I cooked all morning, the same way my Mom wouldn't let us leave the house without eating a bowl full of her creation every year.

Little j took right to the whole thing ... walking up to the doors, carrying his own bucket and holding it out to get the goodies. Big J was the voice of the operation, loud "trick or treats" and lots of "thank yous."

We lasted for about and hour and a half before Big J's hands were freezing and little j had so much snot running into his mouth that he probably was no longer hungry for dinner!

We stopped at 2 friends' houses to say hello before heading back to our place for a family Halloween "party." Meatballs, buffalo chicken dip (OMG - my FAVORITE), hot dogs ... and huge spread to show the kids that Mommy really does love them and wants them to remember these things when they take their kids out for Halloween some day!

My little guys waiting to go check out their loot!

Big J - my Cowboy!

Our family: me- the sorority girl, E - the construction worker, Big J - the cowboy and little j - the farmer

Mommy and her Cowboy

Just stuff

2009-10-27T13:03:00.003-05:00

Wow ... has it really been that long since I wrote anything???? Life hasn't been that boring, I haven't been "non-opinionated," basically, I just haven't had the time!

So, random thoughts (in no particular order)

My boss is a dickhead.

I am sick of these grey, rainy days. Seriously, I can maybe count on my one hand the amount of times the sun has been out in the past month!

How much snot can truly come out of a 19-month old's head? He isn't that big, so shouldn't the snot run dry at some point?

Why did I put my son in a good white T-shirt 2 hours before we took Great-Grandma to an Italian restaurant?

Why is it that when you are woken up at 2:00 am you could actually get out of bed and do stuff because you feel refreshed; but, when your alarm goes off at 5:30 to go workout or get to work you feel like you haven't slept in weeks?

Does little j really need to call out from his crib every time he cannot find his pacifier (I know ... get rid of it all together, but that is a battle I am not ready for yet!)? I put an extra one right by his head every night ... and every time I go in there to help him, it is still sitting where I left it!

I thought wives did the nagging and husbands did the complaining about it. Why, in my house, is it the opposite? Seriously dear husband, leave me alone before I explode!

Halloween is on Saturday. The boys' school party is tomorrow. time to put the finishing touches on their costumes. And time to get my mouth tied shut. Here is a mathematics problem for you:
Me + Halloween Candy - Willpower = BIG FAT THIGHS, BUTT, TUMMY + guilt!

Big J ate his vegetables 2 days in a row without being asked. Yahoo Mountain Dew!!!! Can this become a streak?

Thanks to my sister, I have a few pages created on my website already. I have been at a stall with working on it, but I feel good that it actually exists!

I love my Monday and Wednesday Spin classes. I haven't made it to a Friday class in over a month. Do I really think that my weight will continue to disappear if I don't make it to the gym? Let's fix that math problem again:

Me + Halloween Candy - Willpower - gym = big fat thighs, butt, tummy + guilt

I need a girl's night out. Any takers? ;)

We have all been sick in our house. Big J had a massive fever on Saturday and looked like death. Little j had the fever on Friday but never looked that bad. Both boys are better. Me? I feel like shit. But, I have to work and take care of the kids and house so ... no rest for me.

I went to the ND game this past Saturday with my Uncles ... had a great time, but froze my ass off. Wish my Dad could have been there as well ...

Did I mention that my boss is a dickhead? Let's reformulate that problem again:

Me + Candy - Willpower - gym + obnoxious boss = one big, fat, guilt-filled BITCH!!!

The fog rolls in ...

2009-10-15T09:23:00.002-05:00

I am sure we have all heard descriptions in our novels about fog rolling in. We have all pictured the scene in our heads hundreds, if not thousands (depending on how much you read!), of times.

You know, there is a field, cemetery, house, street, etc and as the person looks out into the distance they can see the fog, thick as pea soup, creeping ever closer to where they are. In your head you can just see this mass of blackness rolling towards this person and you can imagine the air getting thick and damp.

Well, the fog is rolling in and it is thick, damp and depressing.

Every year, I try and get myself psyched for the end of Summer, Fall and start of (cough, cough) Winter.

Every year I think about the good things that come with this time of year, pumpkin patches, football, batches of chili, Halloween, Thanksgiving, hot chocolate after a cool evening spent running around in the yard.

Those things are all so picturesque and nice, but they don't stop the dread and blahness that encompasses me.

Every year, it seems our Summers abruptly end and we get Fall like a slap on the back. Lately, though, we have skipped right over the Fall season and headed straight for Winter.

We have hit 18 days significantly below normal temperatures. It is gray and rainy most of the time. It has been too cold and damp to let the boys play outside. There is no outlook for things to even reach normal in the near future.

So, again, I try and think about the positives. Those positives quickly escape my head as dread and sadness creeps in. You see, I have been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression or winter blues, is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter or, less frequently, in the summer,[1] spring or fall, repeatedly, year after year. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), SAD is not a unique mood disorder, but is "a specifier of major depression".[2]

The US National Library of Medicine notes that "some people experience a serious mood change when the seasons change. They may sleep too much, have little energy, and crave sweets and starchy foods. They may also feel depressed. Though symptoms can be severe, they usually clear up."[3] The condition in the summer is often referred to as Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder, and can also include heightened anxiety.[4]

There are many different treatments for classic (winter-based) seasonal affective disorder, including light therapy with bright lights, anti-depression medication, cognitive-behavioral therapy, ionized-air administration,[5] and carefully timed supplementation of the hormone melatonin.[6]

Symptoms of SAD may consist of: difficulty waking up in the morning, tendency to oversleep as well as to overeat, and especially a craving for carbohydrates, which leads to weight gain. Other symptoms include a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating on completing tasks, and withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities. All of this leads to the depression, pessimism, and lack of pleasure which characterize a person suffering from this disorder.

Just like that fog rolling in in the novels we read, I have felt this ickiness creeping into my head over the past few days.

I am tired, cranky and sad most of the time. I have no desire to get anything done. I have a sudden urge to eat and eat and eat, all while telling myself how I should stop and it won't make me feel any better.

I am irritated with my husband (why is it that HE gets to sleep in while I have to take care of the boys after getting only 4 hours sleep due to Little j screaming from midnight till 1:30?). I am irritated with work (more so than usual, can that even be?). My zest for waking up in the morning to go to Spin has completely disappeared and my snooze button has become my best friend.

I am sad. I am bummed. I am lonely.

I drive on, as I always do .... but seriously, this stuff ... this SAD ... it exists. It isn't bullshit. It isn't an excuse to complain or sleep. It feels awful. It sucks. It feels like I am completely out of control of my own emotions.

Hopefully, things will get brighter here and there, and Winter will come and go .... and soon I will be back to flip flops, baseball and mowing the lawn.

Think before you speak

2009-10-13T14:33:00.004-05:00

I was sitting with a client at my desk this afternoon. I leaned over to get a form out of a drawer and this is what she says, "oh my, I could fit 4 of my legs in one of yours."

W.T.F?????

Are you kidding me?

First off, you have diarrhea of the mouth, you dumb broad. Second, eff you. Third, do you really think I don't know this?

As I have stated in my previous pots, I have been "blessed" with legs that have been passed though generations of people on my Dad's side of the family. They are short and big ... great if you are a football playing dude ... pathetic if you are a girl trying to look lady-like in skirts.

I have spent my entire life listening to comments about my calves, thighs, legs, etc. There have been a few times where these comments were flattering, but, mostly, they have sucked.

Just yesterday, as I was getting ready to go Downtown for my all day meeting (YUCK!), I was perplexed as to what to wear, as I was feeling especially plumped out. I have been to Spin sporadically in the past few weeks due to flu's, colds, sleepless nights with children, and freakin all day meetings. Thankfully I put on a skirt that I thought wouldn't fit and it zipped right up ... must have been more mental than anything, but, still ......

Do some people really not get that they should keep their mouths closed? Do people really think that what they say doesn't matter? If I told everyone exactly what I thought ... geesh, let's not even GO there!

I am getting back on the Spin wagon tomorrow (NOT because of this woman ... I was planning on doing so anyway ... it was simply "good" timing). I don't have to come into the office AGAIN, as previously planned (YEAH!), so I have NO excuse.

E has been talking about trying for a 3rd at the end of the year .... I told him that the only way that I will do so is if I lose HALF of what I wanted to, and that would be 15 pounds.

So ... here we go again!

Oh yea ... remember my goal for last week? No? It was to choose a web host site ... I did, and I am currently constructing my website. New goal this week? Finish 2 pages of the site!!!!

Counting sheep ...

2009-10-08T15:10:00.003-05:00

Spent the morning talking/lecturing Big J on his sleep issues lately. A four year old needs more sleep than he is getting.
Once Summer hit, I pushed his bed time from 8 to 9 ... it gave us time to play outside, eat a late meal, and quite frankly, it wasn't dark at 8:00 for him to even be ready to sleep.
Lately, a 9:00 bedtime ends up being 9:45, with ME being more exhausted than he! I have tried starting our routine (which has not changed in two years) at 8:45, 8:30, shoot, even 8:15 ... nothing has seemed to help. He whines that he isn't tired, has to go tell Daddy "one more thing," and shuffles around the bathroom before getting his teeth brushed. It is always one more glass of water, one more hug or one more time to go pee.
He also cannot seem to let us leave his room without starting to cry and asking us to "stay with him." It pulls at your heart strings, but for his sake, and ours, he has to get to bed and start giving us Mommy and Daddy time again.
He also has been whining about taking his naps, both at school and at home. I understand that some kids give up their naos around his age, but, when your child is a nasty, cranky ball of tears by 4:30 ... he still needs a nap.
so, this kid, who no longer naps and who is probably finally falling asleep around 10:00 is finding is way into our bed on an almost nightly basis. I have tried saying no, having him stay for only a few minutes ... but he always end up remaining in the bed until morning. This wouldn't be that big of a deal, but when I am waking up to go work out at 5:30 or get up for work at 5:45 ... he decides it is time for him to be awak too. This means my 4 year old is getting, on average, 7 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period.
Not good for him or me.

Anyone have any good advice? Suggestions? Ways for me to keep from having a mental breakdown because now my husband feels that it is time to have a 3rd .... SHIT! I cannot get my first and second to sleep thought the night and you want me to add a THIRD?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?! Sweetie ... you best start dreaming!!!!!